I am done. I know this IVF didn’t work. I have nothing. I feel nothing. I feel exactly the same as the last two times. And we all know how those worked out.
I am dreading tomorrow. My 3rd failed IVF. My 3rd BFN from IVF.
My intuition is always right. I keep wondering — am I doing something wrong? I follow all the instructions, every single one. Why can’t this work for me?
My boobs aren’t even the bit sore anymore. And all the veins that I saw (or may have seen) are gone. Hope is slipping away…
Last night at the grocery store, I found a bottle of non-alcoholic sparkling wine. Yeah. It tasted as gross as it sounds. I dumped the whole thing down the drain after a glass. I would rather go without!
I got an e-mail today. The last e-mail I wanted to get.
I have a friend from college…we lost touch and got back in touch…many times. I realize she is a friend that needs me when things are rough and forgets about me when things are good. Which isn’t a great kind of friend. But I have known her for almost 20 years and I just deal with it. She was one year behind me in college. I just re-read the post, and it was even before my first IVF. WOW. Seems like a million years ago. I even say, “Hopefully I only have to do it two times”. Guess I was wrong. How wrong I was.
Well, guess what she wrote me today…after not hearing from her in a few months:
I have some news to share that I’ve been wanting to tell you, but I didn’t know the right way to tell you ~ I’m pregnant! About a month into my second trimester now. I contemplated calling or telling you in person and I have wanted to tell you for a while now, but I know how hard trying to have a baby has been on you and I didn’t want to make you feel like you had to react a certain way or be positive right away for me. The last time I broached the subject with you, you were very upset about the whole pregnancy thing (understandable) so I didn’t think it was a very good time to bring this up. I can only imagine what you are going through and the emotional roller coaster you are on so I thought that an email would be the best way. Please forgive me if I chose wrong, but I was really only trying to protect your feelings.
Guess what. You DID hurt my feelings. And IT ISN’T FAIR that your gay husband with fertility problems knocked you up when you travel so much for work….and it only took him 3 months (or less) if I count all the time you have been out of the vicinity. And you SMOKE A PACK A DAY. And you DRINK A BOTTLE OF WINE A NIGHT. And you are 20 POUNDS UNDERWEIGHT. How can you even say you imagine what I am going through? You cannot fucking imagine ANYTHING I go through on a daily basis. I know you are trying to cushion the blow, but it didn’t help.
And I realize now, that the last time I talked to her she was already pregnant. She probably wanted to tell me, but after my diatribe about shots and pills and procedures, and how naive she is about stress and anxiety and “just relax and it will happen”…she chickened out. So she didn’t tell me then, and thought it would be best to e-mail me after her 2nd trimester started. So lucky me, I got the e-mail today.
And this just makes me feel even stronger that IT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN FOR ME.
And I am having horrible thoughts. Like…don’t get too cocky, bitch. Lots can happen in the next 6 months. I know. I know. That is the most horrible thing to say. But I am SO tired of this shit. She fucking blinks an eye and gets pregnant, just by deciding it is “the right time”. And now they are looking for a multi-million dollar house in the hills for her baby-to-be and any siblings she may have (she always wanted four kids).
And here I am. Stuck with a fucking 12 year old bitch-brat-spoiled-whore-to-be step-daughter (again, I apologize, but I will fill you in on the last two days with PT on the next post) and a clueless husband who has no idea what I am going through. Why?
With my luck, PT will get pregnant and I will be stuck in a custody battle with X on who should get to raise the grandchild. That is, if X doesn’t die of cancer first. Then I guess I would get to raise the baby.
I apologize for my bluntness and how evil I am. But I had to vent. I had to get it out. I am in a BLACK MOOD.
I am so boring and predictable. Today I feel like shit again. Another girl on one of my IVF boards just got a BFP. That is something like SIX in the last couple of months. I feel like THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET that is not pregnant. Logical huh? And I hate how I can’t be happy for other people, I just get bitter and depressed and sad for myself. How did I ever become so selfish.
What happened to being PUPO (Pregnant until Proven Otherwise)? These embryos haven’t even been in for two days yet.
I just can’t see it happening for me.
I have been MIA, I know. I just don’t have the energy to keep up the blogging pace that I had been keeping up for the past few months. Things are very quiet on the IF front, taking a complete break (and a seeming hiatus from sex for that matter!!!). It is kind of bumming me out. I know I ovulated yesterday but I just didn’t have the energy to make a move over the last few days. So, even if there was a .00001 chance of conceiving naturally, not so much this month.
I am still waiting to hear from my IVF clinic. I e-mailed them on Friday and they got back to me right away, apologizing for the delay. I am supposed to hear this week. I hope they get their act together and write up the final report, explaining what the next steps should be.
A good friend of mine that I met about a year and a half ago in the IF internet world just lost her triplets. I AM SO FUCKING SAD. I just can’t believe it. She has been TTC for as long as I have, had 7 (or so) failed IUIs, a failed IVF and she was 6 months pregnant with triplets from her 2nd IVF. Everything was going so well. But about 10 days ago she said she was having early contractions and she went to the ER. They stopped the contractions and put her on bed rest. I heard from her one more time and things seemed to have calmed down, she was feeling confident that all was good. And then this morning I got an e-mail that all three were lost. She gave birth to one on the 13th and the other two on the 14th. She was able to hold and kiss each of them before they died. It is just so heartbreaking. I wonder — is it even worth going through all this? I don’t even know what to say to her, what can one say?
I am leaving for NYC on Wednesday and won’t be back until Saturday. So probably no posts until then.
First of all, Jenna and Pamela Jean have nominated me for the Blogger Flame of Fortitude Award (Click on Jenna’s link to read about the award). In turn, I would like to nominate the following bloggers, for perservering in the face of so many obstacles, keeping a sense of humor, and having room in their hearts despite so much personal angst, to offer support and love to their fellow bloggers. Missed Conceptions, Cece, Chris, Lub, Serenity, Lara, SarahS-P, Yodasmistress. There are many more that I read and love. If you haven’t stopped by their blogs lately, please do so, and say hello!
Okay – about me. Today I had an acupuncture appointment at 7:30am. I couldn’t relax. It was the first time that I was in acupuncture and my head was spinning, my mind couldn’t stop. I was so nervous about what the clinic would say at my follie report!
I had my follie check at 10:30am. Dr. P was not in the office, so I got to meet Dr. S. He is so wonderful! I actually wish Dr. S was my main doctor instead of Dr. P. They are both great, but I like Dr. S’s personality better – he seems much more warm and he has a twinkle in his eye. He checked me out with the dildo cam and saw that my lining is 13mm. I think that is good. My blood work came back at 852 (E2), up from 180 on Thursday.
But the follie count was not as high as I hoped. I have 4 on one side and 3 on the other, with two more lagging a little behind that may or may not catch up. The biggest one was almost 18mm and then there were several at 15mm and one at 11mm and one at 10mm.
He said they hope for 8-14 follies so I am right on on target. That is funny because I already feel like a failure. I only have 8, maybe. Dr. S was very positive; he had no issues with how things look. He said that my lining is excellent. I am just worried! I worry they will only get 7 or 8 eggs, and only 4 will fertilize and two will make it to day three. I know – I am jumping ahead here. But I am such a gloom and doom girl, I can’t help it. I wanted LOTS of eggs, LOTS of embies, LOTS to freeze. But it doesn’t look like it is going to happen this time. I wonder if ones body always responds the same way? If 8 is my number, will 8 always be my number?
The ER date is now probably Thursday or Friday. I have to say, I feel a little disappointed! I had to tell my friend M and I almost started crying. Knowing that TW isn’t in it emotionally, I was looking forward to spending the day with M. I hope that TW doesn’t disappoint me. The other stressor is that PT is with us this week, so we are going to have to figure out the logistics of the day — how I get to the clinic, how TW gets his “stuff” into the cup, dropping PT off at school. I asked the clinic to try and put us as late as possible. 10am would be perfect.
I have another appointment in the morning at 8:45am to check things again. I will keep you posted! I keep telling myself that this first IVF cycle is a trial run, but obviously I have not convinced myself of that yet.
We ended up staying, we blew off the mountain trip. TW has been helping the contractors and decided it would be a good idea to try out the jack-hammer. Yeah, well… he hurt his back and didn’t want to drive 6+ hours yesterday. It was pouring rain too, and on a Friday night the traffic would be horrific. I was secretly relieved but didn’t say anything (I hate doing short trips with long drives).
I saw the sperm analysis results: 5 million per mL and only 1.1 mL. Only 24% motile. That means he only squirted out 1.32 million motile sperm. No wonder I wasn’t getting pregnant! I kept asking the nurse whether they got enough, and she assured me. They froze it for a back-up. I convinced TW that he should still plan on doing it again the day of retrieval if he is around, and he agreed. At least we have a back-up ready to go.
We made a final decision that we are going to do the 4 cycle package. That gives me 24 months to get pregnant and would include 4 fresh cycles if needed, and all the frozen cycles possible.
Oh – I mentioned to the nurse that I was going to acupuncture and she asked me who I see. I told her about K, and she said, ‘OH! K comes here and does acupuncture on the day of transfer if you would rather not go to her office for it.’ I wonder why K didn’t mention this? She did tell me to plan for two sessions on the day of transfer, but didn’t tell me she would do it at the IVF clinic. I will check in with her about that on Monday morning when I go next time.
I had an acupuncture session on Thursday after work (still love it) and asked K if she was a doula. She smiled and said she was going to get her training done soon because it would work well with her on-call gig at the hospital. However, she doesn’t want to advertise that she is a doula, she will just do it for her established acupuncture patients. Something to think about — I am not sure if I want a doula, but since I already know (and love) K, it sounds more attractive!
Please let this work! I feel like I have placed all my eggs (and hopes) in one basket, but it is the only basket that was left, so I had to take it. I am at the point where I cannot imagine that it won’t work. Which on the one hand is amazingly optimistic of me (Ms. Doom & Gloom), but on the other hand, I am setting myself up for a BIG disappointment.
I am feeling VERY anxious. Part of it is that the remodel has made our life really chaotic. TW has been working all week and I feel really overwhelmed….packing and boxing and moving crap. Today he has the day off (and the rest of the weekend too!) so I have half a mind telling him – “I’m done! Have fun doing the rest!”. I am going to work today so we shall see how much he gets done. He better not sit in front of the computer today, or there will be HELL TO PAY. This weekend my friend M has offered to come over and help pack stuff up, so that will be fun to have some girl company.
So — One phrase that Dr. P said to me when we had our IVF consult is really bugging me. I told him I start spotting early and that his 12 day progesterone protocol doesn’t seem like enough for me. I told him I have a Luteal Phase Defect. This has hit home today because I started spotting at 10DPO. My temps are still high, so supposedly it really shouldn’t be that much of an issue if spotting starts at 10 or 11DPO. However, I just keep worrying that nothing will be able to implant if I start shedding my lining so soon. Dr. P. said, “We don’t know if Luteal Phase Defects exist”. I don’t understand that at all. There are so many other doctors that say it does exist and they treat it with progesterone. I need to check with him — do some of his patients have IVF success with short luteal phases? I didn’t ask that question specifically.
I don’t know if we will be able to cycle so quickly. My pathogen test results have just started to trickle in. Two out of five so far, and they need them all before we can do the lupron challenge. If I am spotting today, I will probably get my period on Sunday. I don’t think all my ducks will be in a row in time! I was SO excited to get started. I guess there is always next month.
Well ladies, we will be disconnecting the computer today and the internet has not moved to the cottage yet, so not sure if I will have internet this weekend. Have a great weekend, and I will try to check in soon!
*******
Okay, I just had to add this. A friend of mine from work who moved offices a while back just stopped by to say hello. She knows about my IF woes (not in all the glorious detail but knows that I have been trying for a while), and so I told her that we finally decided to try IVF. She said, “Well good luck with that…did I tell you our good news?” UGH. I don’t even need to tell you what she said, right?
6 years ago today, the twin towers fell. My thoughts are with the families and friends that suffered first hand through the tragedy. What a horrible, horrible day that was.
I remember waking up to the morning show on my clock radio at about 7am Pacific Time. They were talking about the big airport being closed, and I assumed that there was a plane crash. I woke up TW (we weren’t married yet, but living in sin) and we turned on the TV. There was the image of ONE of the twin towers and you could seem some smoke drifting up into the sky. I kept staring at the screen, thinking – WHERE IS THE OTHER TOWER? I thought I was seeing things….the TV was silent, no one was speaking. Then the 2nd plane crashed into the remaining tower (I think — or maybe I have seen so many films of the incident, maybe I am remembering incorrectly, I cannot recall if I actually saw the 2nd plane hit the tower…) in any event I distinctly remember watching the 2nd tower go down. I was awestruck. I remember starting to cry, imagining all the people inside and the horror they must be living through. I had to go to work. Only 1/2 of the people showed up and we were sent home early. I was fixated to the TV news and radio for weeks on end, watching as much as I could on the events. I couldn’t stop thinking about all those poor people, their families and friends. I couldn’t believe something so horrific could happen in our country. That people hated us so much that they would do this. I was also obsessed with the plane that crashed in PA and the heroes that succeeded in saving the White House. To this day, the images of that day bring tears to my eyes.
I remember even back then, thinking of babies and whether I wanted to bring one into this world, where walking down the street, going to work, just having a day, could end in such a horrible tragedy – brought on by fellow human beings. I realize that accidents happen every day, and that natural disasters can also cause this type of destruction, but this was not an accident. It was a well-thought-out plan to kill innocent people. It just brought me to my knees.
I am the type of person that gets obsessed. I get so obsessed that I almost feel paralized. I feel like I can’t DO anything to help. I am so worried about the world and the health of the planet. The planet that we live on, we are destroying a little more each day. The wildlife that we are pushing out of their habitats, killing for fur, destroying their homes. The stray animals that wander the streets, injured and dying of starvation. The dogs and are abused by their owners. The babies that are abandonned or beaten. The people that are murdered for their material goods. The people that are murdered for their religion or sexual orientation. So much is going on in the world every day that we don’t hear about. The news only captures a tiny fraction.
What will this world bring to our kids, and their future kids? Will it get better, or will it get worse? On the one hand I fear for my future baby. On the other hand, I feel that my baby, and his or her generation (and future generations) will be the answer. It will be up to them to take action and make change. To make a better world. It can happen. It will happen.
I don’t know what happened to the “I am so excited” emotion that I had earlier today. Now I am just in a slump. AF is here with a vengeance. I had the worst cramps today, driving home from the dog park, I felt like I was going to pass out. I took two advil (Advil is okay, I’m not pregnant!) and now I feel a little better. Probably the 1/2 bottle of champagne (champagne is okay, I am not pregnant!) is helping too. TW is out of town and I got $30 of sushi (Sushi is okay, I am not pregnant!) and a bottle of champagne for my dinner. What the hell, may as well live a little. I watched a movie which was pretty funny (“The Ex” with Amanda Peet, Zach Braff and Jason Bateman), but there was a lot of tiny baby stuff, which sucked for me tonight. Today at work, P had to call me to his desk to show me something. When I got there, he just wanted to show me picture, after picture, after picture of his “adorable” nephew. He is obviously chomping at the bit for his own. Just wait, he will tell me next week that his wife is having a baby. At the dog park tonight, there was this adorable girl with a tight t-shirt over her 6 month belly. I was fixated on it. I am surrounded by happy fertile people. I am scared that the closest I will feel to motherhood is my dog. I love my dog. But I want a baby. How am I supposed to choose the right doctor? What if I choose the wrong one? What if it doesn’t matter because I won’t get pregnant anyway? I am convinced I have horrible endo now, because my cramps are so bad. Maybe I have some horrible disease or condition that won’t let me get pregnant. Maybe TW’s sperm are dying and by the time we go to IVF, he won’t have any left. What if we run out of money anyway, and we won’t be able to afford IVF let alone the house. We will have a half demolished house that will be repo’d by the bank, and we will be living out of my BMW sedan (because TW won’t let me by an SUV). We will have to give away the dog, and let PT go to her mom full time. We will eat cold canned beans with a plastic spoon (we will share one spoon because we won’t be able to afford two).
Anyway, as you can see – I am GLOOM AND DOOM. Just call me GD for short. My head hurts. My heart hurts. Good night.
Baby Step 