Status

I have been MIA. It seems like EVERYONE is getting pregnant around me, in blog-land, every where I turn IRL too. I keep having these morbid images of lying on my death bed — ALL ALONE. Of course, this is not the reason to have a baby, right? To make sure you don’t die alone? I don’t know why I keep thinking about these horrible things. I am thinking about going to the doctor to see if I should go on some anti-depressants temporarily. To get out of this funk. I just bumped into my co-worker that has been TTC. She said they are still trying, and nothing is happening. I asked how long she has been trying, and she said 1 year. I almost laughed out loud. It sounds like no time at all.

I talked to the doctor the other day and he gave me and TW these vitamins that are supposed to be really good – they better be, for the price. $104 per box. One box lasts 4 weeks. So that is $208 per month ON VITAMINS. These better be some fucking magical vitamins with super powers. The doctor also wants to do a water u/s on me to make sure my fibroids haven’t grown during my IVF treatments. Apparently quickly rising estrogen can cause growth in fibroids. I have some fibroids but no one has ever been too concerned. They are not inside my uterus, but outside. I hate water ultrasounds. I had one before and it hurt like a mother fucker…although I think the nurse who was squeezing the water was completely inept. My appointment for the water u/s is next Wednesday. Watch them say something like I don’t have a uterus after all. Nothing would surprise me.

Oh — my mom, in her way, sent me flowers after my BFN. The card said, “I love you anyway”. What the fuck? We spoke on the phone a few days later and she started doing the same old thing — listing all her friends who have grandkids, and who used fertility treatments, etc. Then she said, “And Sue’s daughter just went through her FOURTH IVF…”. I cut her off because I didn’t want to hear it. And then she said, “NO…I am telling you it DIDN’T work!” So I said, “And how is this news supposed to help me?” And her response was, “Because now you know you aren’t the only WIERDO who can’t have a baby!” Gee mom, thanks.

TW’s sister has disowned us for not agreeing to let their whore daughter live with us for free, in our brand new house, for two years. I am pleased with the outcome. No more holidays with the in-laws. An added bonus! This is the only happy news that I have gotten in a while.

11dp1dt

My boobs aren’t even the bit sore anymore. And all the veins that I saw (or may have seen) are gone. Hope is slipping away…

Last night at the grocery store, I found a bottle of non-alcoholic sparkling wine. Yeah. It tasted as gross as it sounds. I dumped the whole thing down the drain after a glass. I would rather go without!

Gonal-Zilla

I am pushing all time bitchiness. I feel so ANGRY and IMPATIENT. I threw an F bomb at PT yesterday for the first time. TW was so shocked he didn’t even say anything (I expected him to throw me out of the house). My emotions are on a hair-trigger. I can feel fine one second and then go into outer orbit the next.

I have set some precedents that I am loathing now. Like picking up after TW and PT and never asking for help with dishes, wash, etc. In an ideal world, they would offer. But they don’t. And after a while I feel like throwing the dining table through the window (and with my anger the way it is, I bet I have the sheer force to do it!).

As I was leaving for work yesterday, TW was making PT French Toast for breakfast. This is always a big production because TW ends up using every dish, bowl, plate, whisk, spoon, fork, knife in the house. He piles everything up in the sink (isn’t it amazing that his body becomes paralized when standing in the zone between the sink and the dishwasher?) and walks away, saying he will “take care of it later”. Later = Never. And I cannot stand seeing dirty dishes in the sink, so I always end up cleaning up. Not to mention the syrup and butter all over the counter, egg remnants, etc. He also has been having this complete malfunction when he makes his coffee in the morning. I would say 4 times a week, he lets the coffee overflow the mug and floods the counter. He makes his coffee in an individual mug with a Melita cone. And he pours way too much water in the cone and walks away. Then I hear him say, “SHIT!” and I walk into the kitchen to see him mopping up the counter with a WHITE dish towel. And he does a half-assed job.

Anyway, as I left for work I said, “Those dishes better not be in the sink when I get home. And the laundry better be put away”. (This is the laundry that I lovingly did 5 days ago…still sitting in the baskets all folded and ready to be put away). He replied, “I have nothing going on today, I promise that it will be done. And I will ask PT to put her clothes away and clean her room”.

So guess what happens when I get home. I walk in the door, and not only are the breakfast dishes, plus the bowl and fry pan in the sink, crusting over (because he never rinses). There is also a cutting board covered in sandwich remnants from when TW made PT her lunch. AND the laundry baskets were still full and still sitting in exactly the same place. AND there were piles of dirty clothes all over the bathroom and PT’s room. In the bathroom, someone left the cap off the toothpaste and it is so hot that it oozed all over the counter. The dog had brought a stick inside and chewed it into a million pieces all over the carpet.

And guess what PT and TW were doing? Sprawled on the bed, reading. I BLEW MY TOP. I yelled, “I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING SLAVE!” and didn’t stop yelling for about 10 minutes. I am surprised that the guys at the fire house didn’t come by to make sure I wasn’t killing someone. The poor dog ran out the dog door and cowered for about 1/2 an hour (poor baby, wish he could understand that it had nothing to do with him!)

I went to the sink and did all the dishes, then I started another load of laundry. Then I hooked the dog into his harness and left the house.

The bottom line is that I live with a couple of big fucking slobs.

They came after me as I was coming back from my walk. When I came inside they had cleaned up. But it took me to turn into Gonal-Zilla for them to make a move. I know, you are all going to say you would never tolerate such nonsense. And truthfully I usually tolerate it pretty well, even though I shouldn’t. I just don’t know how to break them of this — because they are so used to me taking care of everything, I guess I am enabling it.  In any event, the total break-down did the trick. The house is spotless now. Too bad they can’t get off their asses without me yelling and screaming.

 

 

Why?

I got an e-mail today. The last e-mail I wanted to get.

I have a friend from college…we lost touch and got back in touch…many times. I realize she is a friend that needs me when things are rough and forgets about me when things are good. Which isn’t a great kind of friend. But I have known her for almost 20 years and I just deal with it.  She was one year behind me in college. I just re-read the post, and it was even before my first IVF. WOW. Seems like a million years ago. I even say, “Hopefully I only have to do it two times”. Guess I was wrong. How wrong I was.

Well, guess what she wrote me today…after not hearing from her in a few months:

I have some news to share that I’ve been wanting to tell you, but I didn’t know the right way to tell you ~ I’m pregnant! About a month into my second trimester now. I contemplated calling or telling you in person and I have wanted to tell you for a while now, but I know how hard trying to have a baby has been on you and I didn’t want to make you feel like you had to react a certain way or be positive right away for me. The last time I broached the subject with you, you were very upset about the whole pregnancy thing (understandable) so I didn’t think it was a very good time to bring this up. I can only imagine what you are going through and the emotional roller coaster you are on so I thought that an email would be the best way. Please forgive me if I chose wrong, but I was really only trying to protect your feelings.

Guess what. You DID hurt my feelings. And IT ISN’T FAIR that your gay husband with fertility problems knocked you up when you travel so much for work….and it only took him 3 months (or less) if I count all the time you have been out of the vicinity. And you SMOKE A PACK A DAY. And you DRINK A BOTTLE OF WINE A NIGHT. And you are 20 POUNDS UNDERWEIGHT. How can you even say you imagine what I am going through? You cannot fucking imagine ANYTHING I go through on a daily basis. I know you are trying to cushion the blow, but it didn’t help.

And I realize now, that the last time I talked to her she was already pregnant. She probably wanted to tell me, but after my diatribe about shots and pills and procedures, and how naive she is about stress and anxiety and “just relax and it will happen”…she chickened out. So she didn’t tell me then, and thought it would be best to e-mail me after her 2nd trimester started. So lucky me, I got the e-mail today.

And this just makes me feel even stronger that IT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN FOR ME.

And I am having horrible thoughts. Like…don’t get too cocky, bitch. Lots can happen in the next 6 months. I know. I know. That is the most horrible thing to say. But I am SO tired of this shit. She fucking blinks an eye and gets pregnant, just by deciding it is “the right time”. And now they are looking for a multi-million dollar house in the hills for her baby-to-be and any siblings she may have (she always wanted four kids).

And here I am. Stuck with a fucking 12 year old bitch-brat-spoiled-whore-to-be step-daughter (again, I apologize, but I will fill you in on the last two days with PT on the next post) and a clueless husband who has no idea what I am going through. Why?

With my luck, PT will get pregnant and I will be stuck in a custody battle with X on who should get to raise the grandchild. That is, if X doesn’t die of cancer first. Then I guess I would get to raise the baby.

I apologize for my bluntness and how evil I am. But I had to vent. I had to get it out. I am in a BLACK MOOD.

Oh No.

Anyone see the movie “Stepmom“? It is such a good movie. Susan Sarandon plays a mom extraordinaire who is divorced from a pretty good guy played by Ed Harris. Ed Harris gets engaged to Julia Roberts. There are two kids, a 13 year old girl and a 7 year old boy (or something like that) that are in a shared custody arrangement. Susan Sarandon gets cancer and the family has to come together, despite the differences between the two powerful women in the story. I have watched this movie probably a dozen times. And at the end I always bawl. I think being a stepmom and watching it brings up different feelings than it would for others, but still, I highly recommend.

A little history: TW and PT’s mom (I will call her X) never got married. He was in the Marines, and as Marines do, frequented the local watering hole when he was stationed here or there. X was a frequent lurker at the watering hole, hoping to catch a Marine or two. They got together whenever TW was in town, and at one point she moved to AZ when he was stationed there. The truth of the matter is that they didn’t really get along all that well, but they liked having sex. Clearly they had unprotected sex because PT was the result of this on-again, off-again relationship. X announced she was pregnant. TW said she needed to decide what to do, and he would be on board. X decided to keep the baby and TW left the Marines (he had done his required term). They moved in together and TW supported her through her pregnancy. He wanted to see if marriage should be an option for them. When the baby was born, X sounds like she had post-partum depression, because the story goes that she didn’t get out of bed. TW was in grad school and working, he would feed everyone breakfast and get back early evening. X would still be in bed, the baby would be screaming in a filthy diaper, the house would be a wreck. TW would clean up, cook dinner, feed everyone, and the whole thing would start again the next day. Finally he started taking the baby to his mom’s during the day so that she would get some TLC since X seemed to be unable to parent.

Things got even worse. TW and X started fighting like cats and dogs. TW ended up moving out and there was a horrific court battle over custody. As is the case many times, the courts sided with X and she got much more custody than TW. Over the years TW started getting more and more custody and currently it is split 50/50. Some highlights of X’s behavior:

• Called Child Protective Services on TW when PT was 2 years old and launched a huge child abuse investigation which was thrown out due to lack of evidence. But not until after they interviewed TW’s co-workers, the teachers, family members, etc. Totally humiliating and horrible. X said that PT came home with a cigarette burn on her arm (TW doesn’t smoke) and that her vagina was always sore and red when she got back from a visit with him. The doctors concluded that the sore vagina was due to long soaks in cheap bubble bath at X’s house. The “cigarette burn” was actually a burn from X’s kitchen. X even called TW towards the end of the saga to apologize, saying she had no idea it would get so out of control. She admitted that she lied.
• X put TW in jail for the weekend. It was TW’s official weekend for custody, and he was on his way to pick PT up on Friday after work. He called X when he was on the way, and said he was 20 minutes out. X said that he should just turn around because she was taking PT to Texas for the weekend. TW said “It is MY weekend” and that he was coming to get her. So TW got to X’s house and the cops were waiting for him. He had a copy of the court order in his car (he always had to have it on him because of X’s antics) and showed the cops. X had a copy of a letter she wrote to her attorney asking permission to take PT to Texas. The letter was just a letter asking permission. The judge hadn’t even seen it, there was no court order or response. X was hysterical saying that TW was trying to kidnap her daughter. They cuffed TW and threw him in the back of the car. They said that the judge would clear it up if it really was his weekend. They carted him off to jail, and since it was Friday at 5pm, he had to wait until Monday morning to speak to the judge to get released.
• She called CPS on me. When TW and I first moved in together, PT was in kindergarten. I arrived home from work and there was a note on the door, saying that CPS had come by for a home check. We were to call within 24 hours. We called, and they said there had been an anonymous complaint and that an investigation was launched. We went through about a month of interviews and visits and they threw the case out. One day the CPS social worker stopped by unannounced and it was like a Norman Rockwell scene: hot chocolate and board games in front of the fire, Grandfather was over for the day, dog sleeping on the hearth. They even said that when they visited X’s house, they were more concerned about the child’s wellbeing because of the filth and bad neighborhood that they lived in. I know it was an anonymous “tip” but who else would have called CPS?
• There was a court assessment for changing custody. Luckily X was too stupid to realize you cannot tell a 5 year old to lie because they will usually fuck it up. In the court document it is recorded that PT said to the court assessor, “My mommy made me promise that I would tell you that I don’t like my dad and that I don’t want to live with him anymore”. Ha!
• We asked X if we could take PT a few hours early on a Friday so we could take her to Disneyland for her birthday. X said it would be fine so we bought a non-refundable package travel deal. Then two weeks before we were supposed to go, I sent an e-mail reminding her and she said that she never gave us permission. She said that she was throwing a big birthday party for PT and the invitations were already out. Mind you, we were picking up PT a couple of hours early on a FRIDAY. (We were going to take PT out of 1st grade for the day). X claimed that the party was at 9am on a school day. But in any event, we didn’t have formal permission so we had to lose the money, AND PT lost out on going to Disneyland.
• More minor incidents include X keeping PT out of school whenever she gets wind that TW is going to chaperon a field trip. This has happened multiple times. TW ran a couple of girl scout meetings and PT didn’t show up on those days. She never brings her to team practice for sports, never checks her homework, says horrible things about me and TW to PT on a frequent basis (for example she told PT that her dad didn’t want her, and that he tried to force her to have an abortion).

The last two or three years, things have calmed down quite a bit. X got a real job (prior jobs were day-care aide, changing poopie diapers) as a 2nd grade teacher. She started allowing PT to participate in after school activities and TW and X have even been amicable enough that they call each other for help if one or the other is busy and need transportation for PT. Which has been HUGE. I have even met X for lunch a couple of times. I thought it would soften her up a bit, and I think it did. And we actually had a pretty nice time. I realized that if circumstances were different, we may have even had a friendship.

X has breast cancer. I found out yesterday. I feel so awful and guilty because I used to have horrible, horrible thoughts about the woman. Like wishing she would disappear. Wishing she would meet some guy and run away forever. Wanting to plant drugs in her house so she would go to jail. (I don’t know if I can even type the next one…) Hoping that she would die in a plane crash. My life would be SO much easier if she didn’t exist. That is how I felt daily when I first got engaged to TW. To the point that I wished I had known what a bitch she was because I would have rethought the whole marriage/stepmom thing.

But as I say, things have really gotten better.

I saw X this morning at an event for the girls. TW told me last night that she has cancer (she told him), but being a GUY, he really didn’t know what to say to her. So I talked to her about what was going on, what her prognosis is, what her treatment plan is. She puts on a pretty good public face. She just found out on Wednesday. I was tearing up and then she started too. I gave her a big hug. I told her that if she needed ANYTHING, I would be there for her. Her family is far away, and she isn’t seeing anyone. Her only friends are work friends. She doesn’t have a good support network.

I just feel awful. I hope she makes it out alright. I know that women survive breast cancer all the time now, but it is so SCARY. And I worry about PT if her mom gets really sick. They are so attached to each other, a bond that I have always been really jealous of. And one that I know I won’t be able to replicate if something happens to X. I wonder what our lives will be like, if X dies and PT lives with us full time. I wonder if I will be able to handle it. I wish I could look into the future right now.

Mother’s Day

First off, thank you to KE and Blue Haired Woman for tagging me. I promise to get going on that ASAP, when I have a moment (hard to do long posts at work!)…

Mother’s Day was tough. What is the deal with random people saying, “Happy Mother’s Day” to me when I am walking around, minding my own business, without any kids with me?? It would be one thing if PT was with me, but of course she was with her mom on Mother’s Day. So — what is the deal? I want to tell people to mind their own business but I know they are just trying to be nice. It is amazing how these simple little comments can be so loaded for me now.

Even TW didn’t say “Happy Mother’s Day” to me, which really pissed me off. True, PT wasn’t here, but still. Have I not been an active participant in raising his child since she was FOUR YEARS OLD? So, the only people that said “Happy Mother’s Day” to me were strangers. And my Sister-in-Law sent me an e-card. Which was nice. Then my mom ruined it. We were having brunch and I told her that SIL sent me an e-card. And you know what my mom said? She said, “That is really strange”. WTF? No. It is really strange that no one acknowledges step-mothers on Mother’s Day. Not only that, it is even stranger that it is considered weird to acknowledge a step-mother on Mother’s Day. We were at a buffet brunch and right after that exchange my mom and dad left to get more food. I burst into tears and said, “I want to be a mom, I just can’t. It isn’t fair”. TW was supportive but at the same time I wanted to punch him in the eye for not acknowledging that I am a 1/2 time mom to his stupid kid.

God, the only thing that is keeping me going right now is the remodel. I am focusing on it a lot. Things are going to move quickly — the hard wood is going down and once it is stained (which should happen next week), everything is going to move, move, move. Like sinks and fixtures are going in, granite and stone floors, YAY. I am VERY excited. The only thing that sucks is that we built an extra room for a nursery and I have no idea if it will be used for that purpose or not. It is a cute little room with a big window and a nice sized closet. I guess I can put a treadmill and a TV/DVD in it, and maybe one of those big exercise balls and some free-weights. If I can’t get pregnant, I am going to get HOT. Instead of a MILF I will be an IFILF (Infertile-I’d-Like-To-Fuck).  Okay, I will think of that as a back-up plan in case things don’t work out. Ugh. So hard to stay positive.

Money is stressing me out right now. We are so far over budget I am wondering if a miracle happens, and I do get pregnant, how we will even afford a kid! TW is supposed to get a raise in December, and I should be getting one too. And once we move back into the big house, we can rent the cottage out. So that should all help. But it is still a little stressful.

Deep breaths.

Kill me now…

I have this “friend”. She is from my college days and lives near me. We only see each other a couple of times per year. She drops off the face of the earth for a while and then I contact her and we have dinner, and then no contact for months…I am always (almost always) the one to make contact…but she e-mailed me out of the blue yesterday — because, yes, she wants something. She and her husband are going to France for a wedding and they would like to stay with my parents for a few days. Whatever. She asked me how I was doing (she knows I am TTC) and so I briefly wrote back that we are still trying and not having any luck. And this is what she wrote back…mind you…she has NO clue about any of this stuff. She and her husband have been married less than two years and are not TTC. Although, for some reason they have already researched IVF clinics, and it is mostly her husband that is doing the research. He has been married before, and he didn’t have any kids, so I am assuming that he already knows that he has a sperm problem. Why else would a guy be researching IVF clinics before even trying on their own? It sounds a little fishy to me.

Anyway, here is her e-mail:

“I am so sorry you are down about getting pregnant. This probably isn’t going to be much help, but in the celebrity magazines I keep reading how certain celebs try 2, 3 sometimes 4 times before it happens –and even some give up and then presto, it happens on it’s own. Stress is such a big factor.  Also, I hope your place has a good track record cuz’ M keeps telling me about this place he found in the Peninsula that ‘guarantees’ you will get pregnant. Let me know if you want the info. I’m sure you’ve already read every book on the planet, but I read somewhere it also depends what you eat that day/week -something about changing the chemistry in the uterus. Seems to me they are implanting you with fertilized embryos, so I would think it’s some slight chemical imbalance down there that needs to be worked out. What do they tell you?”

THANKS for the advice Dr. C! Yes, it must be some slight chemical imbalance “down there” that needs to be worked out. I never thought of that, and neither did my doctors!!! I should probably eat something different on the day of my embryo transfer. OMG could she add anything else annoying into this e-mail? At least she didn’t say, “Just adopt!” I wrote her a RANT back, she probably will never speak to me again, but I just wasn’t in the mood for her blathering!

On another note, my friend that blew me off on Sunday wrote me an e-mail. I didn’t make any contact. She apologized about backing out and explained how exhausted she was because she worked two nights until 8pm and for about 5 hours on Saturday, and she was feeling overwhelmed and not enthused about coming to the event that she promised to come to and help with. I haven’t responded, I am leaving her hanging for a bit longer. I know that is a petty way to behave, but I feel petty right now. I will forgive her, but I have to be in the right mood to talk to her. My thing is that I was WAY more tired and she was, I had to be. I had worked until 10pm for the whole week, all day Saturday and by the time she flaked on me, I had already worked 6 hours on Sunday, and I had to work on Monday too. So hearing that she was too tired didn’t help her case. I know I am being harsh, but I just don’t have the energy to deal right now. I will probably contact her in a couple of days. Thanks for all your support on this one!!

Ass Tea

I switched from my herb pills to the tea this morning. Boy. Does. That. Stuff. Taste. Like. Ass. You know why your dog tries to lick your face after he licks his butt? To get the taste out of his mouth. Well, I was almost ready to lick my dog’s butt to get the taste of the tea out of my mouth.

Sorry to be so gross, but truly, this is just plain torture. I e-mailed my acupuncturist and she just said I had to grin and bear it. I asked her if I could PLEASE put something in it (like 5 scoops of ice cream, maybe?) to hide the taste and she said that the taste is part of the treatment. I don’t understand that at all. I ended up cheating because when I was almost done, the bottom several gulps were very concentrated. I just couldn’t do it. So I took some orange juice and diluted it so I could get the rest down. I have to take this tea from today through the first day of my period. I have never wanted my period to come early before….but please get here quick!

Last night TW and I had dinner with my parents. We went to one of my fave restaurants and the evening was quite pleasant. But then my mom started talking about babies. She has this habit of spewing out announcements of all her friends who have new grandkids, or grandkids on the way. Then she tells me how old these women are who are having babies, and always focuses on the women over 40. She detailed three or four of these oh-so-touching stories and then I just cut her off. I know she has the best of intentions, and it used to be that these stories of 40+ year old women getting pregnant would give me hope. But now it just hurts me. And I feel so alone and abnormal. So I told her. I told her I cannot talk about these things with her anymore. I know that she wants a grand baby almost as much as I want a baby myself. But I am done talking about it with her, because I always end up crying. You know what her response was? She said, “But I didn’t even mention this person or that person or this person!” Like keeping her stories to four out of a possible seven was really helping me out. And by answering that way, she managed to throw in three more names of people that got pregnant over 40.

She is coming to stay with me for two nights next week, in our teeny, tiny cottage with one bathroom. She is going to sleep on the bottom bunk of PT’s bed. FUN! I hope I don’t end up killing her after two days. I already sent her an e-mail that babies are a forbidden topic. I hope she doesn’t have 3 glasses of her cream sherry and forgets. Because I will lose it on her if she does! I am going to take advantage of her staying with us though. She will cook dinner for us and take PT to and from school. My mom no longer drives but the school is only 3 blocks away. I hope she doesn’t get lost!! TW is out of town all week, so my mom said she wanted to come and stay. I think she wants to take care of us (or at least that is the pretense). The truth is that she and my dad are driving each other nuts, so she needs a little break. I hope we get along!

In a funk

I have been in a funk since I heard “the news”. I got a letter from my IVF clinic and here is the gist of it:

Dear Babystep:

We are saddened that your IVF cycle did not result in a successful outcome again. Blah, Blah, Blah. La, La, La.

Despite your better response to stimulation this time, the rate of cell division and quality of the embryos were poorer than expected. Blah, Blah.

Most likely this points to a problem with egg quality, La, La, La.

You are still a candidate for IVF and can start as soon as your next menstrual period. The probability for success remains at 20-25%. Blah dee blah blah blah.

Sincerely,

Dr. P and Dr. S

My period ended a couple of days ago. When I get my next period I will go in for the lupron challenge test. Two down, two to go.

Back in a dark hole

I am so boring and predictable. Today I feel like shit again. Another girl on one of my IVF boards just got a BFP. That is something like SIX in the last couple of months. I feel like THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET that is not pregnant. Logical huh? And I hate how I can’t be happy for other people, I just get bitter and depressed and sad for myself. How did I ever become so selfish.

What happened to being PUPO (Pregnant until Proven Otherwise)? These embryos haven’t even been in for two days yet.

I just can’t see it happening for me.