Archive for the ‘Despair’ Category


July 8, 2008

I am done. I know this IVF didn’t work. I have nothing. I feel nothing. I feel exactly the same as the last two times. And we all know how those worked out.

I am dreading tomorrow. My 3rd failed IVF. My 3rd BFN from IVF.

My intuition is always right. I keep wondering — am I doing something wrong? I follow all the instructions, every single one. Why can’t this work for me?



June 3, 2008

I got an e-mail today. The last e-mail I wanted to get.

I have a friend from college…we lost touch and got back in touch…many times. I realize she is a friend that needs me when things are rough and forgets about me when things are good. Which isn’t a great kind of friend. But I have known her for almost 20 years and I just deal with it.  She was one year behind me in college. I just re-read the post, and it was even before my first IVF. WOW. Seems like a million years ago. I even say, “Hopefully I only have to do it two times”. Guess I was wrong. How wrong I was.

Well, guess what she wrote me today…after not hearing from her in a few months:

I have some news to share that I’ve been wanting to tell you, but I didn’t know the right way to tell you ~ I’m pregnant! About a month into my second trimester now. I contemplated calling or telling you in person and I have wanted to tell you for a while now, but I know how hard trying to have a baby has been on you and I didn’t want to make you feel like you had to react a certain way or be positive right away for me. The last time I broached the subject with you, you were very upset about the whole pregnancy thing (understandable) so I didn’t think it was a very good time to bring this up. I can only imagine what you are going through and the emotional roller coaster you are on so I thought that an email would be the best way. Please forgive me if I chose wrong, but I was really only trying to protect your feelings.

Guess what. You DID hurt my feelings. And IT ISN’T FAIR that your gay husband with fertility problems knocked you up when you travel so much for work….and it only took him 3 months (or less) if I count all the time you have been out of the vicinity. And you SMOKE A PACK A DAY. And you DRINK A BOTTLE OF WINE A NIGHT. And you are 20 POUNDS UNDERWEIGHT. How can you even say you imagine what I am going through? You cannot fucking imagine ANYTHING I go through on a daily basis. I know you are trying to cushion the blow, but it didn’t help.

And I realize now, that the last time I talked to her she was already pregnant. She probably wanted to tell me, but after my diatribe about shots and pills and procedures, and how naive she is about stress and anxiety and “just relax and it will happen”…she chickened out. So she didn’t tell me then, and thought it would be best to e-mail me after her 2nd trimester started. So lucky me, I got the e-mail today.

And this just makes me feel even stronger that IT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN FOR ME.

And I am having horrible thoughts. Like…don’t get too cocky, bitch. Lots can happen in the next 6 months. I know. I know. That is the most horrible thing to say. But I am SO tired of this shit. She fucking blinks an eye and gets pregnant, just by deciding it is “the right time”. And now they are looking for a multi-million dollar house in the hills for her baby-to-be and any siblings she may have (she always wanted four kids).

And here I am. Stuck with a fucking 12 year old bitch-brat-spoiled-whore-to-be step-daughter (again, I apologize, but I will fill you in on the last two days with PT on the next post) and a clueless husband who has no idea what I am going through. Why?

With my luck, PT will get pregnant and I will be stuck in a custody battle with X on who should get to raise the grandchild. That is, if X doesn’t die of cancer first. Then I guess I would get to raise the baby.

I apologize for my bluntness and how evil I am. But I had to vent. I had to get it out. I am in a BLACK MOOD.

Waiting for Daisy

April 14, 2008

I have been so bad at posting lately. I just haven’t been inspired to write.

I read the book Waiting for Daisy this weekend. I don’t know what I expected. It was a quick read and very well written. And I found myself wanting to yell “Yes! I know exactly how you felt!” — the arguments with her husband, the obsession, the sacrifices, the will to do anything, anything to reach the goal. And losing sight of the ultimate goal — becoming a mother — by focusing so solely on becoming pregnant. She had several passages on her reactions to comments such as, “Everything happens for a reason” and “God doesn’t give us what we cannot handle” and “Why don’t you just adopt” — and I could have written those sections of her book myself. I thought her story was so similar to mine it was almost eerie. Then I thought how many other women out there have the same story, and THAT is just a tragedy.

And then she got pregnant – the “natural” way, with her husbands sperm, and her egg, by having sex. I think there may have been clomid involved, but still. She had a miscarriage. It was a molar pregnancy, which is attributed to sperm problems. They tried IVF and her response was even worse than mine, and they were given horrible chances for ever conceiving naturally. But she did, twice more. She miscarried both times and they tried a donor egg, an egg from a close friend that she met on-line after writing her book “School Girls”. The IVF with the donor egg didn’t work. There was some indication that the clinic mishandled the procedure but it is unclear whether it would have worked anyway. They were thinking about their next steps, when she discovered she was pregnant – again the “old fashioned way”. This pregnancy was normal. The book ends after she finds out her CVS results were normal (her other miscarriages were due to chromosomal abnormalities). The epilogue skips to two weeks after her baby, Daisy, was born.

I was feeling very close to Peggy while I read her book, and having met her probably only helped that feeling. But then, when she started getting pregnant on her own, I felt that connection snap. I felt like, ‘OH – we really aren’t the same after all’. And each time she got pregnant, I felt worse for myself. I was hoping that this book would give me some hope that my story will have a happy ending too. I know that my story has NOTHING to do with her story, and my own hope shouldn’t hinge on someone else’s memoir. But it did, and it does. We were not in the same boat. I am on my own journey, one where pregnancy has not ever been part of a chapter. I have NEVER been pregnant and each month that goes by without a positive pregnancy test, hope gets a hairline fracture that only grows with time. I don’t know how many women are out there with a story like mine but I am beginning to think I am the ONLY ONE.

It is funny. I used to root for my friends IRL and on-line when they were trying. And I would cheer for every one of them when they got pregnant. But now when I hear that women with prior miscarriages are TTC, I shrug my shoulders. Because everyone I know and have read about that have had a miscarriage end up having a baby eventually. And the stat is something like 90% of all couples where the woman is over 38 will get pregnant within two years. But most people that age don’t wait two years, they rush to the RE within 6 months or a year. I just don’t feel like my IF and their IF are the same – at all. Because I have no idea whether my eggs and my husband’s sperm can do it. I have zero evidence that it can happen. And each day that goes by, hope slips away a little bit more. And I am beginning to believe that all this money I have spent, am spending, will spend would be better spent on the house, or (gasp) on the future adoption that we may or may not go through with.

If I never get pregnant, I really don’t think it was “God’s Will” or “Not meant to be” or my fault because I couldn’t de-stress, or I smoked when I was in college, or I drink too much wine before I ovulate, or that it is evidence that I really don’t want it that bad. It is just bad luck. We all don’t get everything we want, do we? To me, it is beginning to feel like the lottery. I won the bad luck lottery.

Back in a dark hole

March 8, 2008

I am so boring and predictable. Today I feel like shit again. Another girl on one of my IVF boards just got a BFP. That is something like SIX in the last couple of months. I feel like THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET that is not pregnant. Logical huh? And I hate how I can’t be happy for other people, I just get bitter and depressed and sad for myself. How did I ever become so selfish.

What happened to being PUPO (Pregnant until Proven Otherwise)? These embryos haven’t even been in for two days yet.

I just can’t see it happening for me.

Checking in

December 17, 2007

I have been MIA, I know. I just don’t have the energy to keep up the blogging pace that I had been keeping up for the past few months. Things are very quiet on the IF front, taking a complete break (and a seeming hiatus from sex for that matter!!!). It is kind of bumming me out. I know I ovulated yesterday but I just didn’t have the energy to make a move over the last few days. So, even if there was a .00001 chance of conceiving naturally, not so much this month.

I am still waiting to hear from my IVF clinic. I e-mailed them on Friday and they got back to me right away, apologizing for the delay. I am supposed to hear this week. I hope they get their act together and write up the final report, explaining what the next steps should be.

A good friend of mine that I met about a year and a half ago in the IF internet world just lost her triplets. I AM SO FUCKING SAD. I just can’t believe it. She has been TTC for as long as I have, had 7 (or so) failed IUIs, a failed IVF and she was 6 months pregnant with triplets from her 2nd IVF. Everything was going so well. But about 10 days ago she said she was having early contractions and she went to the ER. They stopped the contractions and put her on bed rest. I heard from her one more time and things seemed to have calmed down, she was feeling confident that all was good. And then this morning I got an e-mail that all three were lost. She gave birth to one on the 13th and the other two on the 14th. She was able to hold and kiss each of them before they died. It is just so heartbreaking. I wonder — is it even worth going through all this? I don’t even know what to say to her, what can one say?

I am leaving for NYC on Wednesday and won’t be back until Saturday. So probably no posts until then.

Hope and Despair…vacillating endlessly

November 27, 2007

At the end of 9dp3dt

Gawd. I literally am hopeful for five minutes then doubtful the next. I have visions of calling my parents with good news, which get overpowered by images of burying myself under the blankets for days on end in tears. I picture myself telling my brother the good news over Christmas, he toasting me with champagne while I sip a non-alcoholic beverage. Then I envision partying (aka drowning my sorrows) with my friend M when we go up to the mountains for a few days after Christmas. I am imagining the “congratulations” phone call from the IVF clinic. Then I picture myself trying to hold myself together on Friday afternoon when they tell me my beta was undetectable. I have plans on Friday night. I feel like I should cancel them just in case I get bad news…I won’t be any shape to see anyone. Or should I leave the plans in place in case I am over the moon with joy! I have never felt so much like a someone with multiple personality disorder. Call me Sybil.

I keep checking my bo.obs – they are sore, but they look just the same…and I know that progesterone supplements make my sore.

I have had a headache for two days. Symptom of pregnancy? Or just symptom of stress?

Today I had this weird half nauseous/half hungry feeling for hours. Like I felt really hungry, and my tummy was growling, but my mouth was salivating too much and I felt kind of sick. And I felt starving all day.

I got up to pee twice two nights in a row. Once at around midnight, the next time at around 4am. Then I had to pee when I actually got up at 6am. I am peeing about every hour during the day, and my bladder feels like it is going to burst each time! But am I drinking more water than usual? I don’t know!

I have had a few weird crampy feelings in my stomach and some twinges in my ovaries off and on. Are these in my head?

I spotted a tiny bit yesterday, but it stopped. Is this a sign of implantation? (Could that be right? at 8dp3dt?) Or is it my yeast infection or irritation from the suppositories?

What I don’t have: sensitivity to smells, being over heated, being super tired, dark nip.ples, veins in my chest.

I know that some women don’t get symptoms until 4-6 weeks. I know that these “symptoms” I do have could just be completely in my head. It is probably too early. I am over analyzing every little thing.

One thing I do know. I am NOT going to POAS.

What a complete mind fuck. This is the most torture I have ever put myself through. Voluntarily. $26,000 worth of voluntary. Sometimes I think: WHAT WAS I THINKING.

What am I going to do if I get a negative beta?

What am I going to do if I get a positive one!

The Luteal Phase Defect Myth? (UPDATED)

September 28, 2007

I am feeling VERY anxious. Part of it is that the remodel has made our life really chaotic. TW has been working all week and I feel really overwhelmed….packing and boxing and moving crap. Today he has the day off (and the rest of the weekend too!) so I have half a mind telling him – “I’m done! Have fun doing the rest!”. I am going to work today so we shall see how much he gets done. He better not sit in front of the computer today, or there will be HELL TO PAY. This weekend my friend M has offered to come over and help pack stuff up, so that will be fun to have some girl company.

So — One phrase that Dr. P said to me when we had our IVF consult is really bugging me. I told him I start spotting early and that his 12 day progesterone protocol doesn’t seem like enough for me. I told him I have a Luteal Phase Defect. This has hit home today because I started spotting at 10DPO. My temps are still high, so supposedly it really shouldn’t be that much of an issue if spotting starts at 10 or 11DPO. However, I just keep worrying that nothing will be able to implant if I start shedding my lining so soon. Dr. P. said, “We don’t know if Luteal Phase Defects exist”. I don’t understand that at all. There are so many other doctors that say it does exist and they treat it with progesterone. I need to check with him — do some of his patients have IVF success with short luteal phases? I didn’t ask that question specifically.

I don’t know if we will be able to cycle so quickly. My pathogen test results have just started to trickle in. Two out of five so far, and they need them all before we can do the lupron challenge. If I am spotting today, I will probably get my period on Sunday. I don’t think all my ducks will be in a row in time! I was SO excited to get started. I guess there is always next month.

Well ladies, we will be disconnecting the computer today and the internet has not moved to the cottage yet, so not sure if I will have internet this weekend. Have a great weekend, and I will try to check in soon!


Okay, I just had to add this. A friend of mine from work who moved offices a while back just stopped by to say hello. She knows about my IF woes (not in all the glorious detail but knows that I have been trying for a while), and so I told her that we finally decided to try IVF. She said, “Well good luck with that…did I tell you our good news?” UGH. I don’t even need to tell you what she said, right?

To Blurt or not to Blurt

September 24, 2007

I am in a weird state of being. I have been keeping IF a secret for so long that I now find myself wanting to blurt it out to random people. I haven’t done it, but I have a hard time keeping it to myself. I caught a ride home with a professor the other day, and wanted to blurt it out to him. There is this girl I see at the dog park, and I have to bite my tongue because I feel the urge to tell her…I barely know her. I just find that it is on the tip of my tongue all the time, like I don’t have the control to keep it in.

Today I did end up telling someone that I don’t know all that well. She is the founder of the puppy rescue organization that I volunteer with. She sent me a bunch of e-mails asking me to follow-up on this and that, and I wrote her back and then picked up the phone to call her. At first I was just going to tell her about moving and my remodel project and working full time, and let her know that I need a couple of weeks to get my stuff in order before I could focus on puppies again. I did say all that, and then I ended up saying, “And….I am going to be doing In vitro next month”. She said, “YOU ARE?” and I thought she was going to launch into a lecture about how I am young, how I should relax, blah, blah, blah. But you know what she said? She said SHE DID IT. She did it 17 years ago. You know, I think this is why I wanted to tell her. I had a feeling that she was an IFer like me. She doesn’t have kids ….I don’t know why but I just knew.

She and I had a great talk. She told me that she and her husband tried from the time she was 33 until she was 38 – the final attempt was one IVF cycle. They tried everything known to the medical world. It did not end up happily. She got her period after IVF and literally wanted to crawl into a hole and die. She said she was so obsessed with babies for 5 years that she was paralyzed. She couldn’t handle seeing babies or pregnant ladies, she would see someone pregnant that she thought was a loser and would automatically feel self loathing – that all these horrible people could get pregnant without trying and that she was cursed… she was bitter when her friends got pregnant (all of this sounds familiar!!) and she could not imagine living her life without a child of her own.

But then something happened. She let it all go. She accepted the fact that it was not in the grand plan for her. That she was here for another purpose. She said it took some time, she focused her energies on other things at first, to keep her mind off of the pain. But with time, her focus took a real purpose, it was no longer just to pass the time or keep herself occupied. And she started this rescue organization and has made a difference in the lives of hundreds of puppies and the families who adopt them. And she focused her time on her nieces and nephews, she has helped to raise some of her family’s devilish teenagers when they needed to leave home to regroup, she has traveled the world. She has done all sorts of things that she feels she would not have been able to do if she had had her baby. By the time she was 40 she no longer yearned. Her life was fulfilling and happy. And now, at 55 years old, she actually thanks God that he didn’t put it in her plan. She is sure she would have been a great mother if things had gone that way, but she feels that her life was meant to be this way. And she feels truly, honestly blessed.

It was so great to hear that it is possible. That if things don’t work out, I won’t always feel this sense of longing, of emptiness, of something huge missing from my life. She told me if I ever want to talk, she will be here. And even though I don’t know her all that well, I felt so close to her.

So, maybe my blurting had a purpose after all.

Quick Post

September 7, 2007

I don’t know what happened to the “I am so excited” emotion that I had earlier today. Now I am just in a slump. AF is here with a vengeance. I had the worst cramps today, driving home from the dog park, I felt like I was going to pass out. I took two advil (Advil is okay, I’m not pregnant!) and now I feel a little better. Probably the 1/2 bottle of champagne (champagne is okay, I am not pregnant!) is helping too. TW is out of town and I got $30 of sushi (Sushi is okay, I am not pregnant!) and a bottle of champagne for my dinner. What the hell, may as well live a little. I watched a movie which was pretty funny (“The Ex” with Amanda Peet, Zach Braff and Jason Bateman), but there was a lot of tiny baby stuff, which sucked for me tonight. Today at work, P had to call me to his desk to show me something. When I got there, he just wanted to show me picture, after picture, after picture of his “adorable” nephew. He is obviously chomping at the bit for his own. Just wait, he will tell me next week that his wife is having a baby. At the dog park tonight, there was this adorable girl with a tight t-shirt over her 6 month belly. I was fixated on it. I am surrounded by happy fertile people. I am scared that the closest I will feel to motherhood is my dog. I love my dog. But I want a baby. How am I supposed to choose the right doctor? What if I choose the wrong one? What if it doesn’t matter because I won’t get pregnant anyway? I am convinced I have horrible endo now, because my cramps are so bad. Maybe I have some horrible disease or condition that won’t let me get pregnant. Maybe TW’s sperm are dying and by the time we go to IVF, he won’t have any left. What if we run out of money anyway, and we won’t be able to afford IVF let alone the house. We will have a half demolished house that will be repo’d by the bank, and we will be living out of my BMW sedan (because TW won’t let me by an SUV). We will have to give away the dog, and let PT go to her mom full time. We will eat cold canned beans with a plastic spoon (we will share one spoon because we won’t be able to afford two).

Anyway, as you can see – I am GLOOM AND DOOM. Just call me GD for short. My head hurts. My heart hurts. Good night.

Out Damn Spot!

September 5, 2007

Okay, after my la, la, la look at my pretty chart, I started really spotting (I was still hoping that the spotting from yesterday was just a fluke). WTF. I am 11DPO and already spotting. And I am not stupid enough (after 15 cycles) to think OH! It is implantation spotting! Yeah, I did that for maybe 10 cycles but I have finally learned better. So much for worshipping my acupuncturist and vitamin B6. So – I fell off the wagon (or is it I am back on the wagon? I always forget if you are ON the wagon when you drink? Or OFF the wagon? Please enlighten me!). I had a couple of glasses of wine…why not?

I must be completely PMSing too. I am in the WORST mood. I tried to make some veggies for TW and he said the swiss chard was bitter and wouldn’t eat it. I tried to force feed him like a goose. Not really, but I was mad. So much for thinking he is such a great guy, he didn’t impregnate me AGAIN. Come on, throw me a bone!

I know better, but I couldn’t help but think up until this morning — maybe, maybe, maybe? My temps are high, I didn’t have any spotting, I had acupuncture, I exercised moderately, I didn’t drink alcohol, I didn’t have any caffeine, I ate healthy, I slept enough, we had sex at the perfect times, I wore Cleo’s necklace the whole time and even saw her image in the ceiling of K’s office, thinking it was “a sign”….maybe it is possible? How ironic/wonderful would it be to get a BFP the week of my first IVF consult? Against all odds?

But I guess these kind of surprise happy endings are not for me. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.