Hope and Despair…vacillating endlessly

At the end of 9dp3dt

Gawd. I literally am hopeful for five minutes then doubtful the next. I have visions of calling my parents with good news, which get overpowered by images of burying myself under the blankets for days on end in tears. I picture myself telling my brother the good news over Christmas, he toasting me with champagne while I sip a non-alcoholic beverage. Then I envision partying (aka drowning my sorrows) with my friend M when we go up to the mountains for a few days after Christmas. I am imagining the “congratulations” phone call from the IVF clinic. Then I picture myself trying to hold myself together on Friday afternoon when they tell me my beta was undetectable. I have plans on Friday night. I feel like I should cancel them just in case I get bad news…I won’t be any shape to see anyone. Or should I leave the plans in place in case I am over the moon with joy! I have never felt so much like a someone with multiple personality disorder. Call me Sybil.

I keep checking my bo.obs – they are sore, but they look just the same…and I know that progesterone supplements make my boo.bs sore.

I have had a headache for two days. Symptom of pregnancy? Or just symptom of stress?

Today I had this weird half nauseous/half hungry feeling for hours. Like I felt really hungry, and my tummy was growling, but my mouth was salivating too much and I felt kind of sick. And I felt starving all day.

I got up to pee twice two nights in a row. Once at around midnight, the next time at around 4am. Then I had to pee when I actually got up at 6am. I am peeing about every hour during the day, and my bladder feels like it is going to burst each time! But am I drinking more water than usual? I don’t know!

I have had a few weird crampy feelings in my stomach and some twinges in my ovaries off and on. Are these in my head?

I spotted a tiny bit yesterday, but it stopped. Is this a sign of implantation? (Could that be right? at 8dp3dt?) Or is it my yeast infection or irritation from the suppositories?

What I don’t have: sensitivity to smells, being over heated, being super tired, dark nip.ples, veins in my chest.

I know that some women don’t get symptoms until 4-6 weeks. I know that these “symptoms” I do have could just be completely in my head. It is probably too early. I am over analyzing every little thing.

One thing I do know. I am NOT going to POAS.

What a complete mind fuck. This is the most torture I have ever put myself through. Voluntarily. $26,000 worth of voluntary. Sometimes I think: WHAT WAS I THINKING.

What am I going to do if I get a negative beta?

What am I going to do if I get a positive one!


12 Responses to “Hope and Despair…vacillating endlessly”

  1. Malky B. Says:

    Progesterone can give you headaches as well but here’s hoping it’s a pregnancy headache. Hang in there.

  2. bleu Says:

    I know what a mindf%#k it can all be. I am thinking of you and sending so many positive thoughts your way.

  3. kona Says:

    You are on the roller coaster ride called Two Week Wait. It’s scarier than The Edge. ;-0 I would keep the Friday plans…and hope you will be in mood to celebrate!!! (if not, you can suddenly come down with a bug and stay home).
    I hope your symptoms are a good sign! But some women have next to no symptoms till they are 6-7 weeks pregnant, which is normal, too! Sending more baby dust to you & the little ones!!! πŸ™‚

  4. Erin Says:

    Wow – the 2ww is such a mofo. When is your beta? I’ll be thinking of you until then!!

  5. Yodasmistress Says:

    Hey I used the word(s) “mind fuck” in my blog last night too. Great minds think alike you know!

    I can’t wait for your beta darlin’! You are in my thoughts daily!

  6. Pamela Jeanne Says:

    The 2ww is the worst form of torture I’ve ever experienced. You’ve summed it up here. So sorry you’re in the midst of it. Thinking of you…

  7. missedconceptions Says:

    The good news is that it is almost over. The 2WW is the absolute worst. Awful, awful, awful.

    Why aren’t you going to POAS? I would be peeing on sticks like a crazy women. Can you pee on a stick and then FedEx it to me so I can see it? You don’t have to look at it; the suspense is just killing me.

  8. Chris Says:

    The waiting is absolutely the worst part of IVF, particularly the massive mood and hope swings. Just hang in there, you are almost there.

  9. Trace Says:

    Yup!! I noticed myself doing pretty much the same thing. I ALWAYS envision myself telling my friends and family and doing everything my friends are able to do.

    You’re almost there!!!

  10. giantspeedbump Says:

    It’s still sounding promising…just two more days!

  11. lub Says:

    I am keeping my fingers crossed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  12. sandrar Says:

    Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. πŸ™‚ Cheers! Sandra. R.

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