Triphasic Temp Chart?

As you know, I started spotting yesterday. Also, my temps are doing the drop, drop, drop that they do at this time of the month. HOWEVER, stupid Ovusoft told me this morning that I have a triphasic temperature chart. If you look at their definition, it says a triphasic pattern could mean that you are pregnant. But then it says that many pregnancies do not start off with a triphasic pattern. It also says that sometimes people who aren’t pregnant have triphasic temperatures. Why even bother using this as an indicator of pregnancy then? As far as I am concerned, it just puts false hopes in the minds of TTCers.

So even though my pattern is the same freaking pattern as the last 15 cycles (with never a BFP), now I have this tiny eensy bit of hope that my spotting was mystical implantaion spotting. AAAAACK!!! Here is my chart:

So, the internet works in the cottage! I guess the cable company never turned it off. TW wants me to just shut off the cable in the big house and not say anything. But that means that I won’t have my beloved DVR because we don’t have digital cable in the cottage. But it will save us $100 a month…maybe I’ll see if I can live without the DVR. Doubtful!!

We still have so much to do. It looks like a tornado struck the big house – literally. The walls are ripped off, and inside there are just piles and piles of crap. I want to plant myself in there until we are done. TW has other plans!!! I am trying not to stress. Everything will get done, right?

On the IVF front, I am still waiting for all my test results. I got my hepatitis results (negative) and HIV results (negative). Still have two more test results to come in…but I did call the clinic and they said I could do my lupron challenge before all the test results come in. SO — no delays!! That’s good news!!!

Just for fun – here is a picture of our lovely house. I will spare you an image of the interior.

The Luteal Phase Defect Myth? (UPDATED)

I am feeling VERY anxious. Part of it is that the remodel has made our life really chaotic. TW has been working all week and I feel really overwhelmed….packing and boxing and moving crap. Today he has the day off (and the rest of the weekend too!) so I have half a mind telling him – “I’m done! Have fun doing the rest!”. I am going to work today so we shall see how much he gets done. He better not sit in front of the computer today, or there will be HELL TO PAY. This weekend my friend M has offered to come over and help pack stuff up, so that will be fun to have some girl company.

So — One phrase that Dr. P said to me when we had our IVF consult is really bugging me. I told him I start spotting early and that his 12 day progesterone protocol doesn’t seem like enough for me. I told him I have a Luteal Phase Defect. This has hit home today because I started spotting at 10DPO. My temps are still high, so supposedly it really shouldn’t be that much of an issue if spotting starts at 10 or 11DPO. However, I just keep worrying that nothing will be able to implant if I start shedding my lining so soon. Dr. P. said, “We don’t know if Luteal Phase Defects exist”. I don’t understand that at all. There are so many other doctors that say it does exist and they treat it with progesterone. I need to check with him — do some of his patients have IVF success with short luteal phases? I didn’t ask that question specifically.

I don’t know if we will be able to cycle so quickly. My pathogen test results have just started to trickle in. Two out of five so far, and they need them all before we can do the lupron challenge. If I am spotting today, I will probably get my period on Sunday. I don’t think all my ducks will be in a row in time! I was SO excited to get started. I guess there is always next month.

Well ladies, we will be disconnecting the computer today and the internet has not moved to the cottage yet, so not sure if I will have internet this weekend. Have a great weekend, and I will try to check in soon!

*******

Okay, I just had to add this. A friend of mine from work who moved offices a while back just stopped by to say hello. She knows about my IF woes (not in all the glorious detail but knows that I have been trying for a while), and so I told her that we finally decided to try IVF. She said, “Well good luck with that…did I tell you our good news?” UGH. I don’t even need to tell you what she said, right?

A Day In The Life.

P.S. I am sitting at my home office, and construction is going on all around me. Jack-hammers and chain saws in my ears. There is a bright green porta-potty in my front yard. No sentiments, they are just tearing the place down around me. *whimper*. Not really. We have been waiting for this moment for TWO YEARS. I can’t believe it is finally happening!

Yesterday I took Sutter to the dog park. It amazes me how often there are opportunities to talk about IF, and the question is — should I say something or not? The characters in the story will be identified by the dog’s names. I have been going to this dog park 4-5 times a week for the last 6 months, so I have made some friends…we haven’t done anything outside of hanging out at the dog park, but I am always happy to see them when I am there (plus Sutter loves the dogs!)

First, I was talking to Marlo’s mom about random things. Mostly about our puppies and what freaks they are at 8 months. Sutter and Marlo have been in puppy school since they were 10 weeks old. I think they are in love with each other.  So I have gotten to know Marlo’s mom and dad pretty well over the last few months. I mentioned that TW was out of town, and so I was going to pick up sushi to take home with me (TW isn’t a sushi fan like I am). Marlo’s mom said, “I love sushi!” and then immediately, “but I can’t eat it right now”. OMG. Is she pregnant??? The expression on her face after she blurted it out was one of a little surprise…like she shouldn’t have said it. I glanced at her tummy – flat as ever. Maybe she just found out? I was burning to say something but kept it to myself. I am still dying to ask her, but don’t know if I should. The moment has passed. She has been married just over a year….that’s it. I of course assume that they decided to start trying and got pregnant the first month. According to my RE at the IVF clinic, that is how it happens for 1 out of every 4 couples!!!

Later, I was talking to Marlo’s mom and Maddie’s mom. They have both met PT several times. Maddie’s mom commented on how tall PT is. This question, although very innocent, always gets to me. Because PT is taller than I am, and she is only 11 years old. I am 5 foot 2 on a good day. PT’s mother is almost 6 feet tall! People always comment on PT’s height, and then I have to tell them, well, her MOTHER is tall. And then inevitably the next set of questions is: OH! How long were TW and X married? And “Isn’t it hard being a step-mom?” And “Isn’t it hard on PT to go back and forth between houses?” BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. I should tape record my answers and play them back. It is always the exact same thing. *SIGH*.

Marlo and Maddie’s moms know that PT is my step-daughter so it wasn’t that big a deal when Maddie’s mom commented on PT’s height. I told her that X is super tall and then she asked me all sorts of questions – do I get along with X, does TW get along with X, etc. And then. The. Next. Inevitable. Question.

“Don’t you want kids of your own?????”

Fuck. I HATE this. I usually just say, “We are talking about it”, or something like that. Maddie’s mom is a single 34 year old, looking for a husband (or boyfriend for that matter)…so I am sure she has her own struggles. For all I know she looks at my life – house in a nice town, step-daughter, dog, cute husband, etc. – and is envious of me! Everything is relative, right? In any event, I answered the question with: “We are working on it but it isn’t happening”. She hesitated and said, “OH! Well….sorry…..” I told her not to worry about it. WHY do people think asking if I want kids is an appropriate question if they don’t want the real answer? I felt like I should elaborate, so I said, “You know, we have been married 5 years and we wanted to wait a little while, but now I am getting old and things aren’t happening as quickly as we would like”. Then Maddie’s mom and Marlo’s mom both asked me how old I was, and said I look so young, and blah, blah, blah. At that moment two guys came and sat at our table so we changed the subject abruptly. Maddie’s mom was occupied talking to the men, and Marlo’s mom leaned over to me and said, “There is this great book…do you mind talking about this?” and I told her it was fine. So she said, “There is this great book called Taking Charge of Your Fertility…”. OMG. I almost started laughing out loud!!! I told her I have it, that I have practically memorized it, and that I am addicted to taking my BBT. She looked a little embarrassed and was quiet. I then leaned over to her and said, “We have tried everything, we are going to do IVF”. Something about the conversation seemed to tell me she isn’t pregnant yet. Maybe she is trying and isn’t eating sushi just to be precautious…maybe she is just in her 2ww. Do people buy the TCOYF book if they have JUST started? My gut tells me it is usually after a few months of trying without luck.

Later, Jake’s mom and and dad showed up at the dog park. They are in their early 40s. I was chatting with them, small talk, and then mentioned that my house was about to be demo’d for a remodel. Jake’s dad asked me what we were doing to the house, and I told him we were making a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house into a 4 bedroom 3 bathroom. Guess what he said: “You only have one kid, right”? I said, “Yes”. And he said, “What, are you planning to have two or three more kids?” WHY?!?!? Why does everyone always go straight to these questions? So I said, “Actually we are planning to have 10 more kids and then we are going to call Extreme Home Makeover.”

Mind you, these three interactions were all within my one hour stint at the dog park last night. I want to put a stamp on my forehead that says, “Please don’t ask me about kids unless you want the gory details”.

To Blurt or not to Blurt

I am in a weird state of being. I have been keeping IF a secret for so long that I now find myself wanting to blurt it out to random people. I haven’t done it, but I have a hard time keeping it to myself. I caught a ride home with a professor the other day, and wanted to blurt it out to him. There is this girl I see at the dog park, and I have to bite my tongue because I feel the urge to tell her…I barely know her. I just find that it is on the tip of my tongue all the time, like I don’t have the control to keep it in.

Today I did end up telling someone that I don’t know all that well. She is the founder of the puppy rescue organization that I volunteer with. She sent me a bunch of e-mails asking me to follow-up on this and that, and I wrote her back and then picked up the phone to call her. At first I was just going to tell her about moving and my remodel project and working full time, and let her know that I need a couple of weeks to get my stuff in order before I could focus on puppies again. I did say all that, and then I ended up saying, “And….I am going to be doing In vitro next month”. She said, “YOU ARE?” and I thought she was going to launch into a lecture about how I am young, how I should relax, blah, blah, blah. But you know what she said? She said SHE DID IT. She did it 17 years ago. You know, I think this is why I wanted to tell her. I had a feeling that she was an IFer like me. She doesn’t have kids ….I don’t know why but I just knew.

She and I had a great talk. She told me that she and her husband tried from the time she was 33 until she was 38 – the final attempt was one IVF cycle. They tried everything known to the medical world. It did not end up happily. She got her period after IVF and literally wanted to crawl into a hole and die. She said she was so obsessed with babies for 5 years that she was paralyzed. She couldn’t handle seeing babies or pregnant ladies, she would see someone pregnant that she thought was a loser and would automatically feel self loathing – that all these horrible people could get pregnant without trying and that she was cursed… she was bitter when her friends got pregnant (all of this sounds familiar!!) and she could not imagine living her life without a child of her own.

But then something happened. She let it all go. She accepted the fact that it was not in the grand plan for her. That she was here for another purpose. She said it took some time, she focused her energies on other things at first, to keep her mind off of the pain. But with time, her focus took a real purpose, it was no longer just to pass the time or keep herself occupied. And she started this rescue organization and has made a difference in the lives of hundreds of puppies and the families who adopt them. And she focused her time on her nieces and nephews, she has helped to raise some of her family’s devilish teenagers when they needed to leave home to regroup, she has traveled the world. She has done all sorts of things that she feels she would not have been able to do if she had had her baby. By the time she was 40 she no longer yearned. Her life was fulfilling and happy. And now, at 55 years old, she actually thanks God that he didn’t put it in her plan. She is sure she would have been a great mother if things had gone that way, but she feels that her life was meant to be this way. And she feels truly, honestly blessed.

It was so great to hear that it is possible. That if things don’t work out, I won’t always feel this sense of longing, of emptiness, of something huge missing from my life. She told me if I ever want to talk, she will be here. And even though I don’t know her all that well, I felt so close to her.

So, maybe my blurting had a purpose after all.

My mom has the best of intentions but…

Talking to my mom is always trying. I think she has the best of intentions, but sometimes I am not so sure. She can be manipulative and passive aggressive. She has a Master’s degree in psychotherapy, but I have always thought that she would be the WORST therapist ever. She is a horrible listener and she is extremely self-involved. Perhaps when she was seeing clients (she retired from the field 25 years ago) it was a different story than when she dealt with her own daughter. I have always felt that I am not good enough. I have always felt a strong sense that there is something coming between our relationship. Ironically she had two miscarriages before she had me, and she will say things like, “no one has ever wanted anything as much as I wanted you”….but I feel like once I was here, she immediately started taking me for granted. I hope that I don’t behave the same way when I am blessed to have a baby.

In any event, I spoke with her today on the phone. My parents live in France for 9 months out of the year, and I speak with them once a week on the phone. Usually my father answers saying, “Allo?” and then when he hears it is me, he says hi and passes it on to my mom. My mom is always in competition with the world….who is the most fashionable, who is the best cook, who is the best hostess, who has the most friends – WHO HAS THE MOST GRANDCHILDREN…it gets VERY tiring – probably most of all because she does not see this at all. She thinks she is humble, gracious, generous.

Anyway, we spoke today for a few minutes and she launched into the following points:

“I hear more and more people say that they are having trouble having babies. It is like an epidemic!”

“Maybe it is because you were on the pill for so long”

“S’s daughter went through her 5th IVF treatment and she is still not pregnant!”

“P’s cousin also tried 3 IUIs and 4 IVFs and now they are going to adopt!”

“But there are so many women that easily get pregnant after they are in their mid 40s! Like M’s wife -she is 46! And D and J – she is 45!”

My response to this is that it is extremely rare, that it probably happens 1 in 1000 times…her response:

“No! What about B! And M! And K? They are all over 40!”

At that point, I lost my temper. And I said, “WHAT IS YOUR POINT?”

My mother couldn’t respond. She had nothing to say (for once). Then she fumbled and said, “I am trying to make the point that women get pregnant all the time, and it will happen to you too. Just relax, it will happen, I promise.”

We hung up. I am sure she is thinking I am being a brat. But I just couldn’t handle this conversation one more time. And her point was lost on me. Especially after I sent my parents an e-mail after our meeting with the N Clinic. I could not let this go. So I wrote her an e-mail:

You are probably thinking I went off the handle today, and I am sorry if you do feel that way. I want you to know that I am feeling hyper sensitive about fertility and babies and no matter if someone has the best of intentions it is very easy to get me going. Hearing that all sorts of people are getting pregnant after they are 40 years old isn’t making me feel any better. Hearing that so many people have all sorts of problems getting pregnant isn’t making me feel better. Hearing that I need to relax and it “will happen” isn’t making me feel better. Hearing that people tried IVF 5 times with no luck is not helping.

What I need now, is just someone to say they understand how I feel. That they are here for me no matter what happens. That they hope for the best for me. That maybe it will work! That I will be a good mom. That people had good results with IVF. That people can be happy without children.

I know that you are removed from this kind of emotion now — you are over 70, retired, don’t have a care in the world !! But I do also know that way back when, you did have the same desire that I have, and that you probably remember what it felt like to want something so bad, and not know whether it is in the cards or not. Do you remember what it felt like when you heard, “Just relax!” when you were trying to get pregnant? Relaxing is not going to help me. I am over 38 years old and the sperm I have to work with are TOO relaxed. If we were more relaxed, we would be in a coma.

I want you to LISTEN. That is the thing I need the most. I need someone to just listen to me. Sometimes it will be redundant, sometimes it will be boring, sometimes it may be irritating. But that is what I need. I need a good listener who can be there for me when I need to vent, when I am feeling like everyone in the world is fertile except for me, that I am cursed, that I don’t deserve to be a mom. To listen to my crazy thoughts.

Can you do that?

I am sure that this e-mail will just manage to make her angry, or convince her that I am a drama queen (she already thinks so). But I had to get it off my chest.

I feel better already.

N is the one for me!

TW and I went to the N Clinic for a consult yesterday. WOW. Dr. P was quite a guy…I don’t think he cracked a smile first hour. But it didn’t matter. He was a little dry, but he was wonderful. He knew his stuff. And there was no ‘hard sell’ going on at all. It was just factual and informative. We were there for almost 2 hours. With Dr. Z I got more of a salesman feeling which really turned me off.

I heard a bunch of stuff I hadn’t heard before, and I was floored. After 16 months of temping and OPKs and HPTs and reading and researching, I thought I knew it all! Dr. P. pointed the finger at both TW and me. I thought he (like everyone else) would say — “it is obviously male factor so IVF is the answer for you”. At one point I felt my face get all hot and thought I would burst into tears, but I kept it at bay…I was so certain that Dr. P. was going to tell me that our only hope is IVF with donor eggs. I realize that this could be a possibility (donor eggs), but I am not ready for that discussion yet!!

Things I learned:

• 25% of “Healthy and young” couples who are TTC will conceive in the first month. 50% will conceive within the first 3 months. 60% will conceive within the first 6 months….etc. After 5 years of no birth control, if conception hasn’t been achieved, the chances of spontaneous conception are something like .001% per cycle. Yeah. A thousand to one odds. Hmmph. What a waste of time holding my breath during each 2WW! Dr. P. was pretty surprised that we waited so long to look into IVF. Since TW has a child already, he immediately responded with, “Most likely it is lack of egg quality”. OMG I almost keeled over.
• Women who have regular periods (never a skipped month), and cycles anywhere from 21 through 35 days long are definitely ovulating each month. No need for any testing.
• He said that IUI was a total waste for us and was surprised any doctor would have tried it!!!
• He said that despite my low FSH, my estrodial (50 on day 3) invalided the FSH number because high estrodial lowers FSH! I had NEVER heard this before.
• He was not concerned about TW’s sperm counts as much as my own reproductive health. Another SHOCKER. (You should have seen the smug look on TW’s face)
• He said it doesn’t matter if you are ‘actively’ trying or not — having sex once a week will guarantee pregnancy if both parties are healthy.

In addition:

• I asked him about Dr. Z’s immunity protocol and he said that the National Association of Fertility Specialists (or something like that) does not recommend this type of treatment, and until they do, the N Clinic won’t do it unless there are multiple miscarriages.
• He does not recommend bedrest after transfer. He said it was completely unnecessary but he leaves it up to the woman to decide how she feels (I will think on that one – may use it as an excuse for a few days vacation!).
• He only uses 12 days of progesterone suppositories, no PIO injections. He doesn’t think that LPD exists!!!
• His protocol is all subcutaneous injections anywhere on the body!! Tiny little needles! Hallelujah!! I probably won’t need a back-up person to help me out if TW is out of town!
• Their egg retrieval is non-surgical – no general anesthetic. Just local.
• TW can give his sample for assessment (they do an assessment prior to the procedure to see how they need to process the sperm) and at the time he drops it off, he can tell them to freeze it. This is such a load off – he doesn’t have to be in town on the day of the retrieval!
• They do a lupron assay prior to the cycle…this may be common but Dr. Z didn’t mention it. So, if I don’t pass the test, we cancel the cycle until the next month. If you fail the test three times, you are no longer a candidate with your own eggs (PLEASE don’t let this be me!)

So much of the protocol seems so much easier (and less stressful). I have to say though, all the talk about my egg quality really got me worked up. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The last 16 months (ever since we started treatment) everyone has said it MUST be the low sperm count/quality that is blocking a pregnancy. No one has ever said anything about the possibility of MY eggs being the culprit!

Well, I showed Dr. P! The 2nd part of the initial meeting is a physical exam. He did an antral follicle count and a “mock embryo transfer”. I think Dr. P assumed he was going to see two shriveled up ovaries like dried out prunes. But when he did the antral follicle count, he found 7 follicles on each side. He said that he looks for anything from 5-6 on each side, but no more than 8 on each side (he doesn’t like too many). He totally changed his demeanor when he saw my ovaries and said, “It couldn’t get much better than that!” PHEW. I personally still think it is all TW’s fault. Tee Hee. Well, maybe we both have some issues.

The mock transfer is where they measure the uterus and see how difficult it is to put the catheter in. I was totally normal.

So — we are going to do this! I am chock full of hope. Wonder how long it will last.

I’m BAAACK

I am back and work has started back up with a vengeance. I am realizing that maybe blogging during work won’t happen as much as I thought it could….I started this during the summer when things were very calm. Orientation is starting this week and the kids are back! I almost hit 5 of them on my way to the office because none of them look both ways before crossing the street on their bikes — didn’t they learn anything in kindergarten??

So, the weekend was okay — a little too much driving for such a short trip. And I ate like crap the WHOLE weekend. I had a burger and fries on the way up (we didn’t leave until 8pm on Friday night!), then on Saturday we were at an air show and I ate a hotdog and a slice of pizza, then that night we had burgers and fries again, the next morning I had eggs, corned beef hash, potatoes and a biscuit and then Chinese food that night. OMG, kill me now. I am back on track now, thank goodness. I swam twice this week already and had my yogurt, fruit and salad for lunch both Monday and Tuesday.

Over the weekend we hung out with two of TW’s friends. One guy has three kids – his mom confided in me about 5 years ago that he and his wife were having fertility issues – which I thought was odd since I had never met the mom before. But later that year, they announced that they were having twins. The couple themselves never told us that they had fertility treatments, but I can only assume. They now have twin 4 year olds and a two year old. I am DYING to ask them if they had “help”, but I don’t really feel comfortable, and of course TW won’t ask either.

The other friend is in the military and his wife is as well. She is on a ship for the next year, and he told us that when she returns that they are going into baby making mode. They have been married for 10 years (they were super young when they got married, now they are in their early 30s). He sounded so confident that it would just happen right away. I do hope it does, but at the same time….who knows? There are so many instances, almost every day, that my IF is on the tip of my tongue but I hold myself back from saying anything. I am debating whether I should tell more people at work…especially the two that report to me. They are both young (she is 25 and he is 28) and bright eyed and bushy tailed. He has been married for 2 years and they plan to start TTC in about 3 years. She is getting married in two weeks and doesn’t think she wants to TTC for TEN YEARS. Is it inappropriate for me to tell them what is going on? I am tempted because work is going to start getting SUPER busy and if I have to take time off for appointments, if I don’t feel well from all the meds, etc. wouldn’t it be better if they had an explanation than if they just thought I was having some sort of mental breakdown?

Had another acupuncture treatment on Monday morning. She is working on my lower back as well as “pregnancy support”. She wants me to start coming more often now that IVF is definitely in store. I really like the treatments. I went at 7:30am so I basically thought of it as one more hour of rest before work! I read the protocol for the N clinic and it is so much less complex than Dr. Z. I almost wonder if it is involved enough! For example, Dr. Z requires PIO for a while after transfer, The N Clinic only does progesterone suppositories for 12 days. I am going to ask if I can do them for longer….or I will just ask my OB. I am so curious about how the two clinics have such completely different protocols and they both claim to work magic.

Dr. Z had one of his success stories e-mail me so that I could ask questions, etc. She e-mailed me yesterday and said she has a 21 month old from her first cycle and is now 5.5 months pregnant from her 2nd cycle. We e-mailed back and forth a couple of times, and then I just got annoyed. In each of her four e-mails, she mentioned she was pregnant. Okay, I understand that she must have also gone through a lot to get pregnant, but I am just so intolerant. The first e-mail she told me she was pregnant, which was fine. The second e-mail she had to tell me she had “pregnancy brain”. The third e-mail she told me she falls asleep at 9pm because she is pregnant. The fourth e-mail she mentioned pregnancy brain again. Yes, I get it!!! You are pregnant!!!! I know that this person is supposed to instill hope in me, but I am done with her.

I do think I am having an emotional crisis. I just burst into tears b/c TW left to go to breakfast on his bike, and I am so convinced he will come back late for our appointment with the N Clinic. I told him like 50 times that he better not be late. He was ready to chop my head off.

Ugh – we are having some events for the new students at work tomorrow and Friday, and both days we planned on having a nice lunch outside under the oak trees (like we always do). Guess what: 60% chance of rain. It is the same plan every year and it NEVER rains. We never even think about a rain plan. I have 200 people coming to lunch! I have no idea what the hell we are going to do.

Our house is still exactly how it was last week. We should be packing, boxing crap up, getting rid of stuff…Salvation Army was supposed to come yesterday to pick up some furniture and they never showed up! They didn’t even call. I guess this is what we will be doing this weekend. SO much to do.

Yes, feeling a little stressed.

Going to be MIA…

I will be out of commission today…I have a crazy day today. Going to work as usual, but shutting my door for back-to-back consults with Dr. Z’s staff – first the financial coordinator, then the clinical coordinator. At noon we have a lunch for C, who is getting married next month. I am leaving at 2pm to pick up PT from school then heading out for the weekend, back on Sunday night. Won’t have a computer until I get back, so no posting or checking your blogs. I will miss you!

Yesterday I had my 3rd acupuncture treatment. I fell sleep. Aaaaah. I love it. When she got me up, I had a circle imprint on my face where I was resting on the massage table “donut”. This never happened before though: when she put the needles in, there was one tender spot, the needle stung like crazy and really stuck in there. She tried a couple of different spots but all of them sucked. So she just left that one out. Hope it wasn’t too important! When I first got there she asked me how I was doing and I burst into tears…been doing a lot of that lately. Anyway, I told her how overwhelmed I was feeling and she said that Dr. Z was probably a difficult place to start with my research b/c his protocol is so complicated. She said that the N Clinic has a very different feel, and that I should really keep my mind open. Not all clinics are like Dr. Z. That made me feel better. I am meeting with the N Clinic (and TW is coming with me) next Thursday. I can’t wait!

Have a great weekend everyone.

Stress.

I am so stressed out right now. I have to remind myself to keep breathing. I can’t sit still, I can’t concentrate on work. I have my financial and clinical consultant with Dr. Z’s office tomorrow morning at 10am. I hope I don’t lose it on the phone!

TW just called me and said we have the permits for the remodel!!! That was exciting news. I was excited for about 30 seconds. Then I just stressed out some more. We have SO MUCH TO DO. We need to go through all our shit, we need to pack, we need to store things, we need to move. I want to start this weekend but TW is dragging me out of town for a quick trip, and I really don’t want to go. How are we going to get everything done?!?!?!

My work is starting to pick up – it isn’t summer anymore. I am not ready. I still have summer on the brain.

I wonder if I am strong enough to handle IVF and a remodel at the same time.

Rough Start to the Day…

First of all, Happy Conception Day everyone! Remember to stay home from work today and procreate.

Ack. What a rough day already. I went to Starbucks as usual, and who should drive up, but X and PT. To MY Starbucks. First of all, I have to comment that I offered to pick up PT from X’s work in the morning (X is a 2nd grade teacher now) and drive PT to school so that she wouldn’t have to get to school too early. This would mean I would drive 10 miles to pick up PT and, and then 10 miles back to her school. You can drop the kids off as early as 8am but 8:15am the playground opens. If they get there before 8am, there is no adult supervision and I don’t like the idea. I was thinking that X must have to be at work at about the same time that PT needs to be at school, so this offer was to ensure that PT doesn’t get to school too early. Anyway, X said it was not a problem, she had plenty of time to get PT to school and then get to work on time. But today I saw them at the Starbucks one block from PTs school – it was only 7:25am. Meaning, PT is being dropped off at 7:30am. I know that X just didn’t want me to have any extra time with PT. She is so freaking selfish — it would allow PT to sleep in a little, it would be more convenient for X (her work is 1/2 way between PTs school and their house). And I was offering to be late to my work every day that I did this. Whatever. I was just trying to help.

Anyway, you should have seen the scene X made. I was pretty mortified. They did say good morning but it was very curt, like we were just distant acquaintances. PT smiled at me and said hi, but her mom had her in a death grip. Both of X’s arms were around PT’s shoulders, and she was squeezing and hugging and kissing her. Then she forced PT to turn so her back was facing me. I was standing in line a little behind them. There were other mom’s from PT’s school there. It really sucked. X always puts on this kind of show in front of other people. The other mom’s were looking at my with pity in their eyes…I was completely embarrassed. When X got her coffee, they marched out without saying goodbye.

I have been fucking raising this girl since she was 4 years old. And to be treated like I am a stranger really stinks. I called TW when I got in the car, and I was just bawling. I am sure that I am also being hyper sensitive with all my TTC issues, it is just really hard to be a step-mom when I am obsessed with TTC. This sucks, sucks, sucks.

On another note, I got a huge binder from Dr. Z’s office along with a packet of financial information. IVF IS EXPENSIVE, PEOPLE! They have some financial plans, but there are so many things that are extra, like ICSI and all the meds. I was flipping through the binder and reading the description of all the meds, and the needles and the instructions for taking each thing, and my heart started racing, and I started to cry! What is wrong with me?!?! It scares the shit out of me. I am so overwhelmed. Did others feel this way right before they started their first IVF cycle? I haven’t even picked a clinic yet and I am paralized with fear.

Please go over and say hi to Amy — she got great news yesterday! She saw Dr. Z as well, and her first IVF cycle stuck! Makes me lean towards Dr. Z, but I need to consult with the N Clinic before making a decision.