Puppies and the long weekend

I know I probably shouldn’t post more than once per day, but oh well. I don’t even know if anyone is reading this blog for Christ’s Sake! Anyway, just wanted to let you know (if you are even out there) that I will be heading out to the boonies for the weekend to visit with my brother and SIL who are out here from the East Coast. They have a ranch (well it is my brother’s FIL’s ranch). Did I mention this? Anyway, I am looking forward to seeing them but at the same time they invited a million people I don’t know, so I know I won’t have any quality time with the brudah. They also invited me to the weekend when they are having the big BBQ with all their friends with small kids (or babies on the way). JOY. So, I will be back on Sunday night and won’t be posting until then. I am sure that I will have some good stories as my SIL is a passive aggressive BEE-ATCH most of the time.

On another note, my BFF J2 is adopting a puppy from the rescue organization where I volunteer. I am so excited for her…this is her very first fur baby. She just got married this summer so they decided to take the plunge and get a doggie to make the family complete (for now)…here are some pictures of the fur baby (her name is Peanut!) for your viewing pleasure. Isn’t she adorable! I am so happy for J2! (P.S. The girl holding the puppy in the last picture is not me…she is the daughter of the lady who is fostering the litter. Oh how I wish I was that skinny!)

 

Apologies and another vent

I am sorry if I offended any preggo ladies and also ladies that are overweight. I know that the weight issue is a difficult one. I have struggled with my weight my whole life, and have a horrible body image. I have read on a lot of the IVF clinic sites that a BMI of under 25 is ideal for IVF, and I am just on the edge…24.5….so I guess I am on the high end of normal. I would love to have a BMI of 20 or 21. If I weighed 116 pounds my BMI would be 21.9 -but that would mean I would have to lose 15 pounds. I weighed 121 on my wedding day and felt great. I am now 131 pounds. Even if I lost 10 pounds I would be really happy, but it is just SO hard. I work out and try to watch what I eat but my metabolism isn’t what it used to be.

My mom has always put pressure on me about my weight. I am only 5 foot 1 or so, so even 5 pounds looks like a lot on me. I remember when I was 12 years old my mom stocked the freezer up with Lean Cuisine for me….and she used to always say, “I don’t know why you are so chubby, it doesn’t look like you eat that much!” I remember when I was little, when my uncle would be at our house – he would poke my tummy during meals and say, “If you keep eating like this you will get fat!” Ugh. Good times! Needless to say I have always been hyper sensitive about eating and my weight. I remember visiting my parents in France (they live there 9 months out of the year) a couple of years ago, and we were looking over the menu at a restaurant for lunch. My mom said, ‘Oh look Babystep! They have a ‘Fitness Plate’!” I was so pissed! I was like, “Yeah, what is your point?” — it was a plate with cottage cheese and tomato or something equally vile. I was in France for Christ’s sake, I wanted steak tartare and fries and lots of wine! Watch out if you are eating a meal with me and you make a comment on my clean plate or that my serving is huge — I go into outer orbit. TW learned that the hard way!

To make things more difficult I am a complete foodie and can eat most men under the table.

Anyway, I didn’t mean to say that people who are overweight don’t deserve to get pregnant and have babies, that was not my intention at all. I have just been really trying to watch it over the last 4 years thinking that it would help if I was in good shape, and obviously it hasn’t done anything for me.

I am 5DPO and I HATE the two week wait. I start going completely mental. I am super sensitive. Last night we had a softball game (playoffs) — I am on a co-ed team. It is a pretty big league and people bring their kids to watch, etc. I was surrounded by cute families — dad’s throwing balls to their toddlers, little babies in strollers and sitting on their parents’ laps. I watch the secret exchanges between a mom and a baby and I just YEARN. I wonder if I will ever feel that connection with a baby of my own. It makes me feel really empty and sad. I was also watching this young dad, all dressed up in soccer clothes and his toddler of about two wearing a matching soccer outfit. They were kicking the ball back and forth to one another and it was just the cutest thing. I think it would be amazing if TW had a son. They would rough house and play baseball — things that TW does with PT but it would be completely different with a little boy. Of course if I have a little girl I would be ecstatic too – I really just want a healthy child.

I sat next to a guy, about my age, who has been with his girlfriend (she is 41 and has a 20 year old son from a prior relationship) for about 4 years. He was telling me that he has told her at the 5 year mark he will make the decision on whether to get married or not. I asked him if he had any kids and he doesn’t. He said he would like to. And I thought — WATCH them get pregnant without even trying. And I felt sad for myself. Of course then the conversation turned to me, and he told me that PT has grown so much in the last three years (since I started playing softball). We talked about her for a bit, and he said, “Don’t you want any kids of your own“? I HATE THAT QUESTION. It implies that I don’t want kids of my own, that I have made a conscious decision NOT to have kids. Of course I don’t go into any gory details with people I am not close to, so my standard answer is, “We are thinking about it”.

C and P (the two people that work for me at my office) are on the softball team. C is 25 years old and engaged to the boy she has been going out with since they were 15. Her standard response to the baby question is, “GAWD no, not now! We are waiting AT LEAST 10 years.” I haven’t said anything but I want to tell her not to wait that long, that she doesn’t know how fertile she will be in 10 years, that she shouldn’t take her fertility for granted. But I don’t say anything, it really isn’t my place (plus she doesn’t know that I am going through IF hell). P is 29 years old and got married 2 years ago to his college sweet heart. They have a house and in this area that is no small feat. So they are house poor and waiting to have kids until they feel more financially stable. Again, I hope they don’t end up suffering like me and TW. If I could do it all over I would have started trying when I was first married at 32. At least we would have figured out that we had IF issues earlier on and maybe we would even have a baby by now. It is just not worth waiting until the time is “right” –you can always make an excuse to wait. That is what we did, and now we are paying the price. Of course I am not advocating young couples with no money planning to have kids when they can barely afford to feed themselves, but in P’s situation I am sure they could manage. Now — I wonder if I will be happy for them when they make their big announcement, sometime in the future? It is so sad that I always feel jealousy and bitterness first, and then just a little bit of happiness and excitement seep into my emotions. I wish it was the other way around.

I am just so bloody tired of this whole mess.

Vent.

 WARNING – PITY PARTY FOR ONE

I cannot be happy for pregnant people anymore (with a couple of rare exceptions, Kona & Brinko & Kelley — you are three of them!). And I find myself just glaring/staring at the bellies as I pass them by.

I am healthy. I am not overweight. I work out 4-5 times per week. I don’t eat crap. I get acupuncture twice a month. I don’t smoke. I take my daily vitamins. I don’t do drugs. I only drink wine (and I have basically quit as of late). I get enough sleep. I have a good job, we have a nice house. I am well educated.  I have a MS degree in counseling psychology. I am good with our money. WHY CAN’T THIS HAPPEN FOR ME??!?!?!

The other day I went to a large meeting of administrators on the college campus. It was in an auditorium. I ended up sitting next to a woman I worked with several years ago. She is grossly overweight, she is bi-sexual and not in a relationship (she lives with her mother). She drinks a lot and smokes cigarettes. She does not take care of herself AT ALL. What was the first thing out of her mouth? “Guess what – I am pregnant!”. I almost fell over.

At Starbucks this morning there was a woman sitting outside. She must have been about 100 pounds overweight and she was smoking. She had the cutest little baby with her.

Then don’t get me started on people like Nicole Ritchie and Anna Nicole Smith (may she rest in peace). Talk about two women who didn’t/don’t take care of themselves AT ALL.

I honestly feel like I am cursed. I don’t understand how I am trying to do everything right, and this one thing, this one thing that comes so naturally to everyone, will not happen for me.

I am 4DPO. I hate the 2WW.

I did a very bad thing…

Please don’t judge. Here is what happened, I have to make a confession, and I don’t go to church. So this blog will be my church.

Last night was back-to-school night for PT. PT is with her mom this week, and TW was out of town on business. He told me (not asked me, mind you) that I would have to go alone. I told him I would go but he would have to remind me, because when PT isn’t with us, it is hard for me to remember. It always irritates me when I go to school stuff alone – especially considering that PT’s mom doesn’t even go. I have been to FOUR parent/teachers conferences by myself!!! And it irks me to no end. All I want is my own child, I want to be a responsible mother to MY OWN CHILD. Why do I have to be the only responsible mother to someone else’s child? Don’t get me wrong, I do love PT, but I know the love I feel for her is not the same as if she was my bio child…. PT has a mother and I want her to be the responsible one!!! Isn’t that her job? But I digress.

Meanwhile my neighbor (we have the best neighbors in the world) call me up two nights ago to ask if I could pick up their 13 year old son at their house at 5:15pm and take him to trumpet lessons, and then take him home after. No problem. (Although the mood I am in makes it really hard for me to keep caring for other people’s kids!). All day at work yesterday I was fixated on it; I was worried I would totally forget (which really isn’t like me!). I completely forgot about back-to-school night instead.

So I left work a little early, and drove home to get the neighbor boy — and at about 5pm I remember back-to-school night. But TW never reminded me. When TW asks me to remind him of stuff I ALWAYS remind him. I remind him of everything, always. I don’t know what he would do without me, seriously. So I make the decision — I will go to back-to-school night and bear with all the parents saying, “How nice of you to come — where are PT’s parents??” IF TW reminds me. If he doesn’t remind me, I am going to lie and say I forgot b/c he didn’t remind me.

So I talked to TW several times during the evening, and I was waiting, waiting, waiting for him to say, “OH!! Don’t forget back-to-school night!” But he never did. So I went to the dog park right when back-to-school night started. I got home at about 8:30pm and TW called at 9:30pm and said, “Did you go to back-to-school night?”. I said I forgot. And he said he forgot about it too. So there.

I feel guilty (kind of) but also justified.

Dear Jamba Juice:

Dear Jamba Juice:

As a loyal customer that frequents your store two or three times per week, I wanted to let you know that there is a glaring gap in the products that you offer. I would like to make a suggestion for an addition to your “Free Boosts”.

The Fertility Boost would be a boon to your business! The ingredients could include:

Pineapple Juice
Grapefruit Juice
Follic Acid
Iron
Mucinex
Red Raspberry Leaf
Vitex
Green Tea

Please contact me at your earliest convenience so that we can put our heads together to create the recipe. With the number of IF couples out there, the fact that you have not created a product like this already is quite surprising.

Sincerely,

BabyStep
 

Kids by the Dozen

I was watching this show last night called “Kids by the Dozen” on TLC. It is a show that documents a different family each time…the families have at least 12 kids. Last night there was a family in Minnesota that had SIXTEEN children. The oldest was 27 and the youngest was about 3. Of course the mom stays at home to take care of the kids, but she has lots of help (the teenage kids). The family seemed a little too enmeshed with one another, it was a little weird. Since they have so many mouths to feed, the father has to work several jobs, many of which take him away from home for long periods of time. So basically the mother is raising these kids on her own. Some of the older children have moved away to college and beyond but there are still plenty that have stuck around.

I couldn’t help but SEETHE. What are these people thinking? This woman is ALWAYS pregnant. I felt like she has usurped the fertility that I should have. Save some for other people, woman! Maybe there is only room for a certain number of souls, and since she had 16 kids, 11 or 12 people (like me) won’t be able to have them.

It just grossed me out. I don’t see the point. They were religious people (I couldn’t tell if they were Mormon or what) but they were obviously struggling for money and the mom was SO tired and stressed out. I don’t see how this life that they chose is good for any of them. Get some condoms or keep it in your pants, dad!

That is my vent for the day. I get irritated enough when I see a family with four little kids, but sixteen is just ludicrous.

The Z clinic e-mailed me to remind me of my phone consult next week, but they haven’t received my medical records yet (grrrr…I paid $60 bucks to my clinic for the request!), so if they don’t get them soon, I will have to reschedule.

To.p Ch.ef

Does anyone else watch To.p Ch.ef? I am completely and utterly obsessed. I Tivo it every Wednesday night and have watched each episode multiple times. And even though I have them all saved on Tivo, I still will watch it when they have the marathons on the weekends. TW thinks I am a whack job. I am also a Foo.d Netwo.rk freak. It is on all the time.

Tip to all moms and future moms: Foo.d Netwo.rk is the perfect foil for kids. I have been watching it with PT since she was 4 years old. If she wants to watch TV, that is what goes on. It is totally safe (no sex, swearing, drugs or violence) and we get to learn something together. It also has inspired her to want to learn to cook, and we go into the kitchen together to try making something we saw on Rach.ael Ra.y or Bar.efoot Co.ntessa. PT has even announced she wants to be a chef when she grows up. Well, she actually said a “Chef on TV” so we talked about focusing on the chef part, and if she ends up on TV, then that would be a bonus. Cooking has been a great way for me and PT to bond. Her mom doesn’t cook.

I am a foodie. I real, true foodie. I love to cook, and I LOVE to eat. (my horrible kitchen was the impetus for our impending remodel). I read cook books and Bon Appetit magazine for fun … but I never use a recipe. I read them to get ideas but when I am actually cooking, you will never see a book open, nor a measuring cup in my presence. That being said, I don’t bake – it is too much of a science for me, not creative enough. I will cook a gourmet 5 course dinner but dessert will be ice-cream, berries, and store bought pound cake, or something like that. Or, the chocolate ganache cake a Tr.ader Jo.e’s is really great. The two exceptions is that I make a killer creme brulee (no recipe required), and I can make a great berry pie, but I use frozen pie crust.

Both of my parents are fantastic cooks. I have learned a lot through osmosis. My mom actually had a catering business and I grew up helping her with that, so I basically have cooking in my blood. Sometimes I fantasize about opening a restaurant. But then I watch something like To.p Ch.ef and I realize I don’t have the guts, stamina or attention span. So instead, I just enjoy cooking for those I love. It is soothing for me, something that really brings me down if I am having a rough day. Even after a horrific, long day at work, I can come home and cook, enjoying every minute.

I can’t wait until I have my new kitchen. It will have a 42 inch fridge, a 6 burner dual-fuel range, and an extra 30 inch oven with warming drawer, a microwave that can flip back and forth between convection and microwave, and a wine cooler/beverage under the counter. I dream about my kitchen. I can’t wait!

My future kitchen is something that I have been using to distract myself, I am planning everything now. We should get permits in a couple of weeks. I can picture it: a baby in a high-chair playing with plastic measuring spoons, banging on the tray table. I am steaming veggies for organic baby food and singing softly under my breath. Fo.od Ne.twork is on the flat screen TV, muted so that I can enjoy the happy gibberish sounds of my little one.

I am so irritated.

I walked to the Starbucks and bagel shop today, to pick up a snack for TW before he left on his trip. At the Starbucks was a young-ish couple (not THAT young) with FOUR kids, under the age of 3. A 3 year old, a 2 year old, and then twin tiny babies. It is like these people can’t stop procreating if they tried. I was in line waiting my turn, and I was just STARING at them, completely fixated like a zombie (thinking evil thoughts, I should add). I don’t know how long I was zoned out, but the guy behind me tapped me on the shoulder pretty hard, and I realized that the cashier was saying, “Ma’am? Ma’am?” (which also bugged me — when did I become “Ma’am” and not “Miss”? My FSH is only 5.6!) Anyway, after I got my latte (grande decaf, 2%, 2 pump vanilla latte — yes, call me high maintenance) I walked over to the bagel shop and there was another couple with four kids!!! One was about 5, then a 3 year old, a 2 year old and a tiny baby in a bassinet on top of the table. WTF. Someone is taunting me.

Oh — and to make me in an even better mood, I ordered a salt bagel with hummus, cucumber, tomato and onion for TW. I was watching the girl make it, and the tomato slice she put on the sandwhich was completely green, with the stem end. I couldn’t take it. I said, “EXCUSE ME? Could I please get a better piece of tomato on my sandwich?” She pulled the tomato out, held it up, and said, “You don’t want this one?” I swear I wanted to grab that tomato and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine! I said, “Would YOU eat that tomato??”. She looked at me with a really evil glare, and threw the tomato out. She put another one in that wasn’t much better, but I didn’t have the energy to say anything. Ugh. I hope the rest of my day turns out better.

I WISH timing was everything!

 Take a look at my chart (sorry the picture is blurry, but if you click on it you will see a clearer version):

I used OPKs again (finally), twice per day, and I caught the surge! We had sex three times (twice right before O, and once the day of), and my temps shot up right when they were supposed to (thank you K!). If only TW had super sperm…but I am still trying to stay positive. Now…on to 2ww hell!

Timing is Everything…

Unless there is Male Factor. We could have the best timing for the rest of my life, and chances are that sperm will not meet egg. I am reading a book now, that my friend K recommended (who got her first BFP a couple of weeks ago after IVF#2): “How to Get Pregnant” by Sherman J. Silber. He is the founder of one of the first fertility clinics in the country. It is an excellent book packed with good information. The only thing that is bugging me is that he keeps saying that married couples in their early to mid-20s can save a lot of heartache by freezing embryos for later use. Who the hell thinks of doing this when they first get married?!?!? AND, I didn’t even get married until I was 32 years old!

I have read this stat before, and it always shocks me: in the “normal” ejaculate of a healthy man, there are 200 million sperm injected into the vagina. Of that 200 million, only 100 thousand make it anywhere close to the fallopian tubes. WTF? Why were we designed this way? So when I think of the numbers and think of TW’s pitiful 3.5 million healthy sperm, it is really disheartening. Yes, IVF will probably be our only hope.

Reading the description of the arduous journey the sperm have to make, it is unbelievable to me that anyone gets pregnant at all. Ever. I spent so many years avoiding pregnancy, and for what?

Then the thing that really kills me is that crack whore anorexic chicks can get pregnant by accident….and then they end up dumping their newborns in the trash like a used hypodermic needle. I live next to a Fire Station, and they are a “Safe Surrender” site. They have this sign on their door:

This sign indicates that women in distress who cannot care for their newborns can drop the baby off – no questions asked. It is so sad to me that a program like this had to be developed at all, but there was a rash of incidents where babies were found in dumpsters, on front doors steps, abandoned in bathrooms…stories like this and this happen all over the place, including where I live. The county decided it was time. I want to take that sign and put it on MY door. I will be a good mom, I promise.