Apologies and another vent

I am sorry if I offended any preggo ladies and also ladies that are overweight. I know that the weight issue is a difficult one. I have struggled with my weight my whole life, and have a horrible body image. I have read on a lot of the IVF clinic sites that a BMI of under 25 is ideal for IVF, and I am just on the edge…24.5….so I guess I am on the high end of normal. I would love to have a BMI of 20 or 21. If I weighed 116 pounds my BMI would be 21.9 -but that would mean I would have to lose 15 pounds. I weighed 121 on my wedding day and felt great. I am now 131 pounds. Even if I lost 10 pounds I would be really happy, but it is just SO hard. I work out and try to watch what I eat but my metabolism isn’t what it used to be.

My mom has always put pressure on me about my weight. I am only 5 foot 1 or so, so even 5 pounds looks like a lot on me. I remember when I was 12 years old my mom stocked the freezer up with Lean Cuisine for me….and she used to always say, “I don’t know why you are so chubby, it doesn’t look like you eat that much!” I remember when I was little, when my uncle would be at our house – he would poke my tummy during meals and say, “If you keep eating like this you will get fat!” Ugh. Good times! Needless to say I have always been hyper sensitive about eating and my weight. I remember visiting my parents in France (they live there 9 months out of the year) a couple of years ago, and we were looking over the menu at a restaurant for lunch. My mom said, ‘Oh look Babystep! They have a ‘Fitness Plate’!” I was so pissed! I was like, “Yeah, what is your point?” — it was a plate with cottage cheese and tomato or something equally vile. I was in France for Christ’s sake, I wanted steak tartare and fries and lots of wine! Watch out if you are eating a meal with me and you make a comment on my clean plate or that my serving is huge — I go into outer orbit. TW learned that the hard way!

To make things more difficult I am a complete foodie and can eat most men under the table.

Anyway, I didn’t mean to say that people who are overweight don’t deserve to get pregnant and have babies, that was not my intention at all. I have just been really trying to watch it over the last 4 years thinking that it would help if I was in good shape, and obviously it hasn’t done anything for me.

I am 5DPO and I HATE the two week wait. I start going completely mental. I am super sensitive. Last night we had a softball game (playoffs) — I am on a co-ed team. It is a pretty big league and people bring their kids to watch, etc. I was surrounded by cute families — dad’s throwing balls to their toddlers, little babies in strollers and sitting on their parents’ laps. I watch the secret exchanges between a mom and a baby and I just YEARN. I wonder if I will ever feel that connection with a baby of my own. It makes me feel really empty and sad. I was also watching this young dad, all dressed up in soccer clothes and his toddler of about two wearing a matching soccer outfit. They were kicking the ball back and forth to one another and it was just the cutest thing. I think it would be amazing if TW had a son. They would rough house and play baseball — things that TW does with PT but it would be completely different with a little boy. Of course if I have a little girl I would be ecstatic too – I really just want a healthy child.

I sat next to a guy, about my age, who has been with his girlfriend (she is 41 and has a 20 year old son from a prior relationship) for about 4 years. He was telling me that he has told her at the 5 year mark he will make the decision on whether to get married or not. I asked him if he had any kids and he doesn’t. He said he would like to. And I thought — WATCH them get pregnant without even trying. And I felt sad for myself. Of course then the conversation turned to me, and he told me that PT has grown so much in the last three years (since I started playing softball). We talked about her for a bit, and he said, “Don’t you want any kids of your own“? I HATE THAT QUESTION. It implies that I don’t want kids of my own, that I have made a conscious decision NOT to have kids. Of course I don’t go into any gory details with people I am not close to, so my standard answer is, “We are thinking about it”.

C and P (the two people that work for me at my office) are on the softball team. C is 25 years old and engaged to the boy she has been going out with since they were 15. Her standard response to the baby question is, “GAWD no, not now! We are waiting AT LEAST 10 years.” I haven’t said anything but I want to tell her not to wait that long, that she doesn’t know how fertile she will be in 10 years, that she shouldn’t take her fertility for granted. But I don’t say anything, it really isn’t my place (plus she doesn’t know that I am going through IF hell). P is 29 years old and got married 2 years ago to his college sweet heart. They have a house and in this area that is no small feat. So they are house poor and waiting to have kids until they feel more financially stable. Again, I hope they don’t end up suffering like me and TW. If I could do it all over I would have started trying when I was first married at 32. At least we would have figured out that we had IF issues earlier on and maybe we would even have a baby by now. It is just not worth waiting until the time is “right” –you can always make an excuse to wait. That is what we did, and now we are paying the price. Of course I am not advocating young couples with no money planning to have kids when they can barely afford to feed themselves, but in P’s situation I am sure they could manage. Now — I wonder if I will be happy for them when they make their big announcement, sometime in the future? It is so sad that I always feel jealousy and bitterness first, and then just a little bit of happiness and excitement seep into my emotions. I wish it was the other way around.

I am just so bloody tired of this whole mess.

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4 Responses to “Apologies and another vent”

  1. kona Says:

    Well, I do know how you feel because I felt those feelings, too. I never wished ill toward anyone else and their unexpected/unplanned pregnancies, etc. but it really sucks to be doing everything you can to TTC and nothing happens, or even worse, you get pregnant and things go terribly wrong. I remember going completely mental while watching the HPT blind me with whiteness in the 2WW. So many times that happened. I was at times a psycho about BDing on the days near O day.

    It’s just that you want a family so bad, and it’s hard not to go a little batty. I was mentally ready for kids 6 years ago, but DH was not. What can you do? We can’t go back in time. Not everyone is financially/emotionally ready for kids at 25. Heck- I was still in college and unmarried at 25. It seems unfair that when we reach our 30s and feel ready for kids, there are all these physical barriers. And I can also relate to the sensitivity about weight. I am not a model, nor do I have my “dream body.” I try and stay active and eat right, but I am a little heavier than I should be also (and also not very tall, so the weight shows fast). Oh well! I have had all kinds of rude comments and such heaped upon me over the years about my weight…as if it’s anyone’s business!!! ;-( I know when you were venting about other women- you just meant that it’s unfair that so many people seem to get pregnant effortlessly, and even in many cases with seeming neglect. Two people that I come into close contact with had unexpected pregnancies last year, and though they were pleased (and I was happy for them), it also really sucked…because of my losses and struggles, and all the time and effort I was making into being healthy and starting a family. So, anyway- you are not alone. I think it’s normal to feel some of these feelings that you feel. I’m glad you can be honest about them. I hope it will only make your eventual pregnancy even more special and appreciated when the time comes. 😉

  2. babystep Says:

    Thank you Kona, you are such a good friend 🙂

  3. Pamela Jeanne Says:

    Hey just found you through two different blog post comments today. Wanted to drop by and say hello. On the subject of pregnant women, the ones who make me ultra crazy are the women who obviously don’t take care of themselves marching around with a belly out to here. (I’ll leave it to the reader’s imagination as to what not taking care of themselves entails).

    When I think of how hard I tried to stay healthy, fit and in prime condition to conceive through years of trying with no success it about makes me want to utter a primal scream when I see the opposite occur. Will add you to my blogroll so I can follow your story…

  4. babystep Says:

    Hi Pamela Jeanne –
    Thanks for stopping by. I am relatively new to the blogosphere! I will add you to my blogroll too, and I am looking forward to seeing your blog. See you around!
    Babystep

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