Archive for the ‘Random Babbling’ Category

8dp1dt

July 3, 2008

Gosh, I really don’t have much to report. The house is coming along, lots of little details to take care of. The contractor says he thinks we will be done on August 15th. That is SIX WEEKS from now! OMG. TW is a total nightmare project manager. I told him yesterday that I am ripping the landscaping project out of his dirty hands immediately. I keep telling him that the first words out of his mouth should be our measily budget. We have a gorgeous set of landscape plans, and the estimate was for $125,000. That is not happening right now. So I keep telling him that when he talks to landscapers, he should show them the plans, tell them our budget and say we are going to do this in phases. The ultimate goal is to end up with our landscaping looking just like the plans. But for now, we will live with what we can afford…focusing on the front yard for ‘curb appeal’. For some reason TW refuses to do this. Instead, he shows the plans to the landscapers and doesn’t say a peep. So they think we have deep pockets and come back with these exorbitant estimates. Our street address is deceiving. Yes, there are lots of wealthy people on our block, but we don’t fit that description!!! I am sure that these landscapers assume that we can just write a huge check without batting an eye. Anyway, I am very frustrated because if the house is going to be done in 6 weeks, we really need to get a move on. Oh…and yesterday TW said he picked pavers for our driveway. I did a calculation, and if we used those pavers, we would have a $60,000 driveway. OMG. He needs to take elementary school math again.

Oh — my contractor saw me get pulled over! I am so mortified. The next time I saw him, he greeted me with, “Hey Fugitive”. Then he start laughing hysterically. I know he is never going to let me live this one down. I also saw one of the kids who bags my groceries ride his bike by – he looked right at me. Note to self: Don’t get pulled over in the neighborhood!

Ugh. I am 8dp1dt. Shouldn’t I feel SOMETHING? Anything? I called my clinic b/c the progesterone is driving me nuts. I feel like I have the worst yeast infection I have ever had (except this happens each cycle, so I know it is the suppositories). The clinic said my only other option is PIO IM injections. I politely declined. I will deal with the bajingo bullets thank you very much.

PT is going to her mom’s for three whole weeks tomorrow. Is it horrible that I look forward to this time of year? Three whole weeks without PT is heaven. I know that TW hates it, but I love the break. I am not even going to feel guilty.

Yesterday I went to acupunture…I love it. I wish I was a bajillionaire so I could go every day. She was so cute…I told her that TW is convinced I am pregnant. When she asked me why, I said, ‘Probably because I am such a bitch all the time’. And you know what she said? She said she cannot imagine me being a bitch – ever. I guess she doesn’t know me all that well! But it gave me the warm fuzzies. And then I told her how wrong she is.

We have no plans for the 4th. Just how I like it. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday weekend! 6 more days until beta!

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6dp1dt

July 1, 2008

I got my first moving violation today. PT was with me in the car. When I said “moving violation” she got all concerned like it was a SUPER serious thing, like I was going to go to jail. Amazingly, I wasn’t chatting on my cell phone for the first time ever (the new law goes into effect today). But I did roll through a stop sign. We were on our way to pick up Sutter Puppy from the vet. He spent the night — SO SAD. I tried to use it as an excuse, when the cop asked me why I went through the stop sign, I said I was very concerned for my dog, and we were on our way to get him from the vet. I thought he would give me a warning but unfortunately I got a ticket. On-line traffic school – HERE I COME!

Yesterday TW and I were on our way to play ball with the dog. The dog started licking his chops and making this really funny face…I just knew he was going to barf. Then his stomach started doing that ‘pumping’ thing that dogs do. I yelled, “PULL OVER” but TW is so slow on the uptake, he didn’t pull over and the dog barfed all over the seat of the car. So we turned around and I cleaned up the mess…and we tried one more time. You know dogs…they barf and then they act like nothing happened — and it is even a bigger bonus if they get to eat it (GROSS, I KNOW). Anyway, I cleaned up and we tried one more time. De ja vue. The dog did the exact same thing, and I yelled “PULL OVER!” again – TW failed to respond and the dog barfed all over the carpet in the car. WHAT IS WRONG WITH TW??? We got into a huge argument about it. He said that we couldn’t pull over because it is the bike lane and we can’t park there. We weren’t parking there, we were going to let our sick dog out of the car to barf outside. Anyway, there is no arguing with TW. We took him to the vet and the puppy ended up staying the night. $500 later he is home with a bottle of “Pepcid”. WOO HOO!

I am not even going to comment on symptoms…who knows if I have them or not. TW keeps telling me to stay positive for “the babies”. He is SO convinced that I am pregnant it is actually quite sweet. I wish his confidence would rub off on me. Two ladies on my IVF board heard today that their cycles failed. It really sucks donkey balls. We need some good news, people!

5dp1dt

June 30, 2008

The 2WW is interminable, isn’t it? ALL I can think about is…what is happening down there. Is this or that a sign? Are the progesterone suppositories playing tricks on me (YES THEY ARE!). I am only 5 days post transfer and since mine was a one day transfer I am two days behind. I probably shouldn’t feel anything yet, and if I do, it is all in my head. My boobs are so sore it is crazy, but I always get this way after I start my supplements, and both times I had sore boobs during IVFs I got a BFN. So know it is nothing to get excited about.

I watched two movies this weekend: Juno and Knocked Up. Hmmm, notice a theme?

I joined Facebook. I didn’t think I would ever do Facebook or MySpace, but my friend J asked me to join so we could play scrabble on line. FUN! And I found all sorts of people from college and highschool and other eras of my life. I could surf around FB all day. There are some silly things which I find just amusing but it is really cool to see what people are up to. Of course, inevitably I have found MANY people from highschool have pictures of their kids on their profiles and it stings a little. Everyone is ahead of me.

Yesterday our new next door neighbor had a wine tasting party. We were happy and flattered to be invited so I went and got a nice potted plant to bring and I had been looking forward to it for days. It was supposed to start at 4pm and I hate being the first people there, so I thought we would go about 15 minutes late. Well…that was a bad idea because they were actually starting right at 4pm. The neighbor actually called us to see if we had forgotten! How embarrassing. So I sent TW running over there and I just had to throw some shoes on and put on some lipstick. When I walked over, I said I got “stuck in traffic” which got a huge laugh since we literally live next door. But when I was walking up the driveway, I saw this car with a sign on the side that said, “Wines at Home” or something like that. OH GOD. TW was going to kill me. It was not just a friendly wine tasting…it was a wine SELLING/BUYING party.

This always really pisses me off. I find it completely sneaky and deceitful. The invitation we got (phone message) said that the neighbors wanted to get to know us better and introduce us to some of their friends. He said that their friend is an artisan wine buyer and that we would get to taste some unusual wines. I love that kind of shit (although I knew I wouldn’t be partaking this time around), and thought TW would enjoy it too (even though he isn’t as much of a wine lover as I am). So we happily accepted the invitation.

It turned out to be just like a Tupperware or Avon or Pampered Chef party, except the products were wine, wine glasses, wine accessories and gifts. There were 6 wines to try (while I was sipping water) and there was high pressure to buy. Like, “If you purchase a case today, you will get free shipping!” or “If you join our wine club, you will get an extra bottle the first month!”. And she wanted us all to sign up to do a wine tasting party in our own homes. The “host” came to the house for $60, and brought the wine and glasses, while our neighbor provided the appetizers and invited the people. The wine chick was so loud and obnoxious, told horrible jokes, and was in our face. And poor TW is pretty reserved. And for some reason she was picking on him and he was just shrinking in his chair. And she kept coming up to him with food and trying to make him eat it while tasting the wine, calling him out, asking him questions — he had daggers in his eyes every time I looked at him. She was really aggressive. TW only liked (and when I say “like” it is pretty generous) one of the wines. The woman did manage to sell a few bottles to other people, but the whole experience was extremely annoying and disappointing. TW and I had a good laugh when we dumped all of her marketing material in the recycling bin once we got home. If you are going to hold one of these events — be honest. We felt completely duped. Here I was thinking that the neighbors wanted to get to know us, but it wasn’t like that at all. That sucks.

Just For Kicks

June 27, 2008

This is hilarious. It is so painful to listen to, it is utterly unbelievable. You must listen, and listen to the whole thing because it gets better and better. It is this guy leaving two messages on the answering machine of a girl he met, trying to ask her out…it spirals out of control. The guy is a complete a-hole!

Distractions

June 23, 2008

First off, I want to give a huge shout-out to Calliope for making my new header for me. Doesn’t it ROCK? I love it!!

I am SO distracted and anxious/nervous/excited. Tomorrow cannot get here soon enough. I am sitting here at work, but not doing much of anything — besides surfing the internet. I am completely addicted to this site. If you click on it, wait a moment for an ad to cycle through and then it will bring you to the live camera that is focused on a mamma lion and her 4 babies in a zoo in Norway. They have the lights on a timer so it does get dark over there at about 11am my time, so I only get to see them for a few hours in the morning. Sometimes mamma is nursing or grooming them, other times the babies are romping around. I saw the camera pan out the other day, and there is a door to the outside, so sometimes none of them are in front of the camera. The mamma is gorgeous and the babies are so cute I want to eat them. You should check it out!

This morning I talked to my mom. Ugh. It is so trying just talking to her on the phone. She talks on and on and on without even taking a breath. Then all of a sudden she starts saying, ‘HELLO? HELLO?’ because she thinks I have hung up or the connection was lost. But she talks so incessantly there is no way for me to get a word in edgewise, and that is why I am silent. I have stopped even saying, “Yeah” or “Uh-Huh” to prove that I am listening, since it really doesn’t matter.  Of course she did her “Remember so-and-so? Her daughter just went through two IVFs and they failed. But her other daughter had an abortion last month. Isn’t that ironic?” — WHY does she tell me these things? In the middle of my sentence she always interrupts and starts her own story — but I try to keep talking. It never works and I have to shut up. Then she says, “What were you saying?” and interrupts me again when I try one more time. She is a horrible listener; I think it is because she is always thinking of the next thing she wants to say instead of paying attention to what I am saying. Then my dad picked up the other extension and I could hear the TV in the background, super loud. My mom started complaining to my dad about the TV being too loud, and my dad told her it wasn’t that loud. Then my dad told me to speak up because he couldn’t hear me, and when I told him I was practically yelling, he got pissy. Then my mom asked my dad what he was watching and they had their own conversation while I was just listening to them bicker. Then my dad hung up saying he couldn’t hear anything. Next, my mom started telling me about her social life. She said, “Our social life has picked up right where it left off. EVERYONE wants to invite us to lunch or dinner. I guess we are doing something right. We are the most popular couple in the village!” Blah, Blah, Blah. Then she told me about this party they went to on Friday night. “We met so many really nice people. But so-and-so was SO loud and obnoxious. And his wife was SO wrinkled, she looked like a little prune. And she was at least 20 years younger then me; I am SO lucky to have such great skin. Everyone tells me how beautiful I am, and how young I look!” Blah, Blah, Blah. This is a typical conversation. Ahhh. The joys of phone conversations with my mom. 

Yesterday I went bra shopping for everyday bras. What a nightmare that was. Not pretty. But I did end up getting four new bras, two ivory and two black. They are the kind that “look great under a t-shirt”. All I wear is v-neck t-shirts in the summer. I have to admit, they DO look great under a t-shirt! MUCH better than my old, tired bras. I got the kind with no seams, no tags. And they have shape to the cup, almost like a little bit of padding. Totally comfy and they make my boobs look extra full and perky. How exciting! BUT the only issue is that they won’t fit in my undie drawer because of the poof in the cups. I didn’t want to smash them down. How do you store these things? I ended up hanging them up in the closet on hangers — is that totally weird? I also have no idea how to wash them…anyone know? Does the poof get smashed if you wash them? I assume I need to handwash them in WooL.ite and hang them up to dry…HELP!

UGH. So hyper and restless today. It felt very weird not to have any shots this morning! First time since May 30th that I had zero shots to do. I hope I get some sleep tonight- the clinic gives me a diazapam to help with that, then I can take another one an hour before ER. My friend is picking me up at 8:30am to take me to my appointment. I will post tomorrow evening when I “come to” after my sedation wears off enough. Wish me luck!!!

5 questions

June 9, 2008

Seriously? tagged me to answer these 5 questions, but so did a couple of other people a while ago – SORRY I took so long to answer! I think most of my blogging friends have been tagged on this one already.

What were you doing 10 years ago: I was gearing up to graduate with my MS in Counseling Psychology. After three grueling years going to school at night and working full time, it was quite an exciting time! I was struggling though because I realized I didn’t want to be a therapist and was trying to figure out what to do with my life. I was dealing with all sorts of questions from family and friends…WHY would you go to graduate school and still not know what you want to do with your life? I found a job at a private university in student services. It was the perfect field for me — and still is. I was also in a very long and trying relationship. We ended up breaking up in 1999, after 7.5 years of me waiting for him to pop the question. Yup. I think so often about how I wasted my “child bearing years” with an a-hole that never had the intent to make a commitment. But I do often wonder if I had been TTC back then — would I have been successful? Were my eggs in better shape back then? I will never know. However, thinking of having a child with that a-hole makes me shiver. Probably wouldn’t have been a good situation.

5 things on my ‘to do’ list today:
1. Work out (that is on my ‘to do’ every day, but I am not very successful at getting it done!)
2. Don’t eat like a pig (ditto)
3. Get some real work done instead of blogging and posting and commenting!
4. Call the guy from Closet Factory to get on the schedule for installing the stuff for our walk-in closets
5. Cook the chicken breasts that have been thawing in the fridge before they go bad and we can’t eat them

5 Snacks that I enjoy: I honestly don’t snack that much. Truly. But, I really do enjoy the summer fruits like peaches, nectarines, berries, cherries, mangos. Ack, I sound so healthy! If I need to choose a more junky snack: Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream Chips, any veggie dipped in “home-made” (not the bottled kind) Hidden Valley Ranch dressing (the powder you mix with buttermilk and mayo), I could eat a whole bucket full of pistachios or macadamia nuts, and who doesn’t love an old fashioned chocolate milk shake!

Things I would do if I were a billionaire: This is a tough one. I would love to save the world, but I know that a billion dollars wouldn’t make a dent. I would probably donate a ton to research into alternative fuel sources, and donate a bunch to my favorite environmental and animal charities (NRDC, HSUS, ASPCA, to name a few). I guess I would have to donate a bunch to the charity my mom started about 15 years ago…it really isn’t my thing, but it is in the family, so….I would definitely pay off my mortgage and spend a ton on landscaping. I would also spend a bunch more on ART if needed. Right now we will be tapped out after 2 more IVFs. Save a bunch for retirement, PT’s college. Maybe send myself to culinary school. And fat camp?

Places I have lived: I was born in Connecticut but my parents moved to California when I was two, and have been here ever since. I went to college in Los Angeles. My mom took me and my brother to India for a year when I was 10. That is about it.

Now, since this meme is so old, I am going to have a hard time tagging people….therefore, if you read this post and feel like doing the meme, consider yourself tagged!!!

To sum it up in 6 words…

June 8, 2008

Photobucket

Michelle from “Years in the Making” tagged me for a meme, thanks, Michelle! I apologize to the others that tagged me for that very long meme — I haven’t done it yet, and I am SO sorry. I just don’t feel like I have the energy, but I still have it on my radar. Blame it on the Lup.ron. This meme seemed a little less daunting to me.

This meme was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith & Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure. Apparently Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in six words. His words were, “For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn.” The book is a compilation of similar 6 word stories. This meme challenges us to do the same:
Instructions:
1. Write your own six word memoir.
2. Post it to your blog including a visual illustration if you would like.
3. Link to the person who tagged you
4. Tag 5 more bloggers
5. Don’t forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.
Here is mine:
“A baby Will Be The Icing”
I have been trying to focus on TODAY, on what I have, on what I should appreciate now instead of spending so much time yearning and crying and pleading for something I haven’t yet been able to attain. Sometimes I forget to pay attention to the fact that I have so many things to be thankful for.
Now, I tag: Pepper, Heather, Seriously?, Betty M, Giant Speed Bump.

Going Mental

June 2, 2008

The eating orgy is over. I ate out on the 27th, the 29th, the 30th and the 31st. Thank God it is over. And it ended with a bang, because I now have food poisoning (I think). I feel like I am going into labor every hour or so – my stomach clenches up and I am doubled over in pain, and then it subsides. TW got something too – he power vomited on Saturday night, then he came down with the chills and body aches, but he is better now. I think I am starting to get better now too (I hope), but the amount of time I have spent on the toilet over the last few days is unreal. I put a sign on the back of the toilet that says, “Property of Babystep’s Ass”. My cornhole has to be cleaned out by now. Maybe I will lose a couple of pounds.

So, I know you are all waiting with bated breath…what did Babystep get for her birthday? TW gave me a $200 gift certificate to Ma.cy’s. Geh. I guess it is better than $50 but I sure wasted a lot of hot air trying to explain what kind of gift he should give me. I told him I was going to use it to buy a rug or something for the new house — he told me I should buy some new bras. Obviously the new bras would be more for him than for me…so forget it!

On Friday night I was invited to a “French Dinner” that was hosted by a family from PT’s school. They donated this dinner for the annual silent auction, and my friend “A” invited me. She sent me an e-mail saying that she bid on the dinner and she was inviting her favorite moms to join her. It tickled me that I was one of her favorite “moms”….I think I am one of the only (if not the only) step-mom that is involved with the school. Anyway, I told her I would love to go. Well….a few days ago my friend “P” mentioned that “A” wanted each of us to pitch in $100 towards the dinner. WTF? It wasn’t like a bunch of us went in together and decided to bid on the item at the auction. “A” did it herself and then invited us … then she wants us to pay $100? I was waiting for “A” to ask me herself, and I was planning to tell her that I would have never agreed to come if I had to pay $100. “A” never came to me herself, but everyone else kept telling me that if I don’t pay, I would be on “A”‘s shit list forever. TW convinced me to pay. So I handed her a check on Friday before dinner, but I was SO ANNOYED. Dinner was good, but was it worth $100? I think not. Do you think what “A” did was unreasonable? I would NEVER do that.

I think I am losing my mind — or it is just proof just how bored I am with IVF. The first two times I was SO anal about the meds, I was completely obsessive compulsive. Well, on Friday night I completely forgot my lup.ron. I woke up at 3am in a start and got up to give myself the shot with one eyeball opened. Then my schedule was all fucked up. I started taking it 10 hours apart instead of 12…so the next afternoon I took it at 1pm, then that evening at 11pm, then the next morning at 9am, then that night at 8pm…and now I am back on track. But guess what — today I flew out the door to go to work, and I was almost there, and I realized I had forgotten my Lu.pron! What the fuck is wrong with me! So I turned around and went all the way back home. Lu.pron is expensive enough without burning a quarter tank of gas for a forgotten shot. What is wrong with me!!!

I am trying to keep my mom away from X. For some reason, my mom thinks she is being really helpful, but she just likes to meddle. My mom has met X one time for literally 30 seconds. But now she is obsessed with trying to help her, do something for her (and mind you, my mom no longer drives, so I am not sure what she thinks she can do). She wanted to call her to see how she was feeling, or send her an e-mail. In my next post, I will post some e-mails that my mom has sent to me (and others) and you will understand why I won’t let her send X an e-mail. My mom has zero filter, and has no idea how awful her words come across sometimes. And she is passive aggressive and manipulative. It would be HORRIBLE if my mom got in touch with X.  My mom has some big fantasy that we are all going to end up great friends, and she thinks she can be the catalyst. I.MUST.STOP.HER. I shiver at the thought of my mom having a conversation with X.

Okay, now I am shivering at the thought of not getting to the toilet in 15 seconds or less. Gotta run.

 

Bad Wife – Good Step-Mom

May 29, 2008

First of all – I have to say that I agree with a lot of you – the NaComLeavMo concept is awesome and I love the comments. However, it is a shitload of work. I keep wanting to post and then I think — oh, I will check out some more blogs and make some comments. Then next thing I know, hours have gone by, and I haven’t posted, let alone read the comments that others are making on my own blog!

Reason number one that I am a bad wife (you be the judge):There is nothing in our fridge. I usually do all the grocery shopping, and I do it often. I have to drive right by our fave store on my way home from work, so I pop in to buy this or that. But for some reason over the past week, I haven’t shopped. And we have run out of everything. One would think that TW would catch a clue and maybe head to the store himself, so now it is kind of a test. How long will it take him to go to the store? Yesterday morning he wanted to make some sort of scramble. We had two eggs. And the only other thing he could find that would “go” with the eggs was baby carrots. So he made a baby carrot scramble. I thought it was pretty funny. Poor guy. I don’t think that a carrot scramble will be the new rage on the local breakfast menus.

Reason number two that I am a bad wife (you be the judge):I asked TW what he was going to get me for my birthday (which is tomorrow, by the way).  He responded, “I asked PT and she thought that a $50 gift certificate to Nordstrom would be the perfect gift”. I almost choked, then I started to cry (literally), then I tried to stab him in the eye with my half eaten corn on the cob. Nothing says, “I don’t like you very much” than a gift certificate to Nordstrom. Okay, nothing against Nordstrom, I actually do shop there quite a bit. But it is SO unimaginative. And, $50 would buy me one pant leg, maybe, if it is on sale. I know that PT thinks that $50 would buy her a car, but still. Why would he take a 12 year old’s advice? It turned into a big “to do” with tears on my end and anger on his. I came across as a crazy, greedy, bitch. And TW was like a deer in the headlights. Should I be such an ingrate? I mean — we are going through a hell of a remodel and bleeding money like stuck piggy banks. But truly, if he feels like he cannot afford to buy anything more than $50 for my birthday, I think we should just forgo the presents. I told him he could buy me a nice card. He could give me a foot rub or a back rub. He could cook me dinner AND do all the dishes. He could do some research and figure out a place we can hike with the dog, and take a picnic. There are lots of free or almost free things he could do. $50 would even buy me a mani/pedi/eyebrow job at my favorite salon. He just has to use his pea sized brain to figure it out. The figuring out is what counts…don’t you think? But I still do feel like a bad wife since he really wasn’t expecting such a violent reaction from such an innocent conversation. But he should know by now: I.LOVE.MY.BIRTHDAY. LOVE.LOVE.LOVE. So a $50 GC just doesn’t cut it.

Why I am a good step-mom – reason 1: I took X to the hospital yesterday. I drove 30 minutes, picked her and PT up, took X to the hospital, dropped PT off at school. I took the day off work to do it so I could be ready to pick X up when she needed a ride. I had to get her prescription, sit with her while she got her discharge instructions, get her into the car, get her into her apartment, set her up on the couch. I went to Trader Joe’s to get her some soup because she couldn’t eat solid food until after the general wore off completely. She thought someone was bringing food over but no one showed up. I also had to stay with her for 4 hours in case she had any trouble. At one point during the discharge instructions, the nurse put her hand on my arm and said, ‘You are such a good friend’. And X said, ‘Yes, she is’. It just felt so odd to hear her say that. This was a very emotional day for me, lots of mixed feelings bubbling up. I can’t hate her, but she has been so awful to us. And now she has cancer, and she has no one to turn to, except for the woman that her ex married. It is very strange.

Why I am a good step-mom – reason 2: I sat through an hour and a half of GRUELING music at the elementary school. It is so hard for me to even go there – because I look around at all the parents feeling like a fish out of water. I am the only woman that hasn’t pushed one of the kids out of my birth canal. I cannot even pretend to enjoy these fucking concerts. I look at my watch every 5 minutes and I physically cringe when someone misses a note. Everyone else thinks it is just adorable. And they clap and cheer and holler and take movies and pictures. Would I feel the same if one of my bio kids was up on the stage?? PT was in the very back row so we could barely see her. She wouldn’t have even known if we had left. I had to listen to the fucking songs that she practices every day. The dog howls so loud that he drowns out the viola that she is playing completely off tune. You know that corn cob I wanted to stab TW with? I wish I had had it so I could have poked my own ears out. So, I was watching this damn concert…and I noticed that every single kid at PT’s school is unattractive. Seriously. There are maybe 2 or 3 cute kids. Out of hundreds. What is the deal with that? How can there be so many ugly kids in one school? You would think that the law of averages would dictate that there would be 50% better than average and 50% below average. But truly, these kids are almost all below average. Someone hit them with an ugly stick. The girls have unibrows and mustaches. And the boys look like girls. Maybe it is the water. Okay – maybe I am not such a great step-mom after all. I was trying to prove I was a good step-mom because I sat through the concert, so give me a couple of points for that. 

I start Lu.pron shots tomorrow. I cannot believe I am starting IVF cycle #3. I am SO bored with the whole thing. Oh, the other day when I went to the clinic for some reason or other…I noticed that outside the clinic smells like dirty vagina. I know that is completely and totally disgusting to say. I think it is some sort of vile flower that grows on the trees. Have you ever entered the stall in the ladies room after an old lady has used it…and there is that ….. SMELL? It smells just like that. I truly hope my hootchie never smells like that. I will give TW the corn cob to kill me if it does. I just thought of the perfect birthday present for me. TW has his appointment tomorrow to whack off and deliver the goods to the clinic. How about he does it without complaining, and he gets to the lab on time, for once. That would make my day.

 

 

Dig Dig Dig Dig Diggity Dog (and a couple of other things)

May 25, 2008

The dog has a thing for marrow bones but they are so rich I only give him one every couple of weeks. Any more and he farts all night, cloying clouds of green gas that hang around my head and threaten to asphyxiate me in my sleep. Four days ago I gave him a marrow bone and he seemed super excited. The next thing I knew, he was lying on the bed without a bone. Hmmmm? WTF did he do with the bone? Usually he goes to town on the bone, chewing and gnawing it until every last morsel of delicious marrow and gristle is just a distant memory (until he starts farting). This time it was like the bone had never existed. I wandered around the house looking for it to no avail. But then hours later, he was out in the yard and I heard a very strange shuffling sound. I went to investigate, and he was delicately pawing at the gravel on the side of the house. He was digging with his nose as well, until he found what he was looking for. The bone, now marinated in dirt, rock, and 100 degree heat. He promptly brought it inside and dropped it on the carpet. JOY! I took it away from him and picked all the pebbles off, and then I washed the dirt off. I gave the bone back to him and sure enough — a few minutes later he was lounging on the couch sans bone.

I promptly forgot about the putrid bone until this morning. Sitting at the table with my morning cup of decaf and my laptop, I looked to my left and saw what looked like a giant dirt clod or *GASP* a big poop. I yelled, “WHAT IS THAT??”. It was very dark brown all over, and there was a trail of dirt leading to the dog door. PT said, “IT’S THE BONE!!!”. I took a closer look and sure enough, it was the bone. This time it was coated in a 1/2 inch thick layer of mud. There were bugs on it, and pebbles and it smelled like FISH. Dogs are so disgusting. He must have thought it was too clean and decided to let it rot for a few days before it was a true puppy delicacy. This time I wouldn’t touch the damn thing with a ten foot pole. The dog ended up sampling it this morning, and he is STILL munching on it two hours later. Forgive me for washing your bone, dear dog! I am sorry I got rid of so many of the germs and bacteria and dirt and grime that you had to incubate it for three more days before it was edible again!

Yesterday I took my mom for a manicure/pedicure and lunch — I gave her a gift certificate for mother’s day and yesterday was the day we went. I always feel bad when I spend any time with my mom. I take deep breaths before I see her, but after about 20 minutes she is SO annoying I catch myself giving her the evil eye when she isn’t watching. My friend is married to an Iranian guy, and he translates that from Farsi as “Giving someone the left-left” because both eyes are looking left at the person. So I was giving my mom the “left-left”. But here is an example of an interaction with my mom. We were walking down the street to the nail salon and she said, “So, SIL finally e-mailed me back….OH! Polish Deli! Huh!! A Polish Deli!…Oh…where are we going? Here? Here?” and she walks into a random hair salon. I had to follow her in and drag her out. She reads every sign she sees out loud, even when she is in the middle of a sentence. She also has to comment any time she sees an East Indian (she is Indian too), and she says, “Indians are everywhere!”…then she starts counting the number of BMWs that she sees, and any time she sees a police car she exclaims, “OH! The police!” like they are hunting her down. She would be much more pleasant if we removed her vocal chords. Then at the nail place, I was watching her read a trashy magazine. She “reads” it backwards — she starts at the back and turns the pages towards the front. And it is like she cannot move her eyeballs independently — she moves her whole head in dramatic jerky movements like a bird. Up, down, up, down, left, right, up. Flip page, repeat.

This morning TW and I were both on our laptops, and the nerd that I am, I always IM him when I see that he is logged in. Here is an excerpt to give you an idea of our maturity.

Me: POO POO
TW: STINKY
Me: STINKY POO POO BUTT
TW: I love the dog

Lately TW has this thing about saying, “I love the dog”. It is like his mantra or something. He will burst into this phrase at any given moment. Lately he has called me at work just to say, “I love the dog”. And sometimes I get an e-mail from him that only says, “I love the dog” or a voicemail that says, “I love the dog”. I think he was bumped on the head recently.