Dig Dig Dig Dig Diggity Dog (and a couple of other things)

The dog has a thing for marrow bones but they are so rich I only give him one every couple of weeks. Any more and he farts all night, cloying clouds of green gas that hang around my head and threaten to asphyxiate me in my sleep. Four days ago I gave him a marrow bone and he seemed super excited. The next thing I knew, he was lying on the bed without a bone. Hmmmm? WTF did he do with the bone? Usually he goes to town on the bone, chewing and gnawing it until every last morsel of delicious marrow and gristle is just a distant memory (until he starts farting). This time it was like the bone had never existed. I wandered around the house looking for it to no avail. But then hours later, he was out in the yard and I heard a very strange shuffling sound. I went to investigate, and he was delicately pawing at the gravel on the side of the house. He was digging with his nose as well, until he found what he was looking for. The bone, now marinated in dirt, rock, and 100 degree heat. He promptly brought it inside and dropped it on the carpet. JOY! I took it away from him and picked all the pebbles off, and then I washed the dirt off. I gave the bone back to him and sure enough — a few minutes later he was lounging on the couch sans bone.

I promptly forgot about the putrid bone until this morning. Sitting at the table with my morning cup of decaf and my laptop, I looked to my left and saw what looked like a giant dirt clod or *GASP* a big poop. I yelled, “WHAT IS THAT??”. It was very dark brown all over, and there was a trail of dirt leading to the dog door. PT said, “IT’S THE BONE!!!”. I took a closer look and sure enough, it was the bone. This time it was coated in a 1/2 inch thick layer of mud. There were bugs on it, and pebbles and it smelled like FISH. Dogs are so disgusting. He must have thought it was too clean and decided to let it rot for a few days before it was a true puppy delicacy. This time I wouldn’t touch the damn thing with a ten foot pole. The dog ended up sampling it this morning, and he is STILL munching on it two hours later. Forgive me for washing your bone, dear dog! I am sorry I got rid of so many of the germs and bacteria and dirt and grime that you had to incubate it for three more days before it was edible again!

Yesterday I took my mom for a manicure/pedicure and lunch — I gave her a gift certificate for mother’s day and yesterday was the day we went. I always feel bad when I spend any time with my mom. I take deep breaths before I see her, but after about 20 minutes she is SO annoying I catch myself giving her the evil eye when she isn’t watching. My friend is married to an Iranian guy, and he translates that from Farsi as “Giving someone the left-left” because both eyes are looking left at the person. So I was giving my mom the “left-left”. But here is an example of an interaction with my mom. We were walking down the street to the nail salon and she said, “So, SIL finally e-mailed me back….OH! Polish Deli! Huh!! A Polish Deli!…Oh…where are we going? Here? Here?” and she walks into a random hair salon. I had to follow her in and drag her out. She reads every sign she sees out loud, even when she is in the middle of a sentence. She also has to comment any time she sees an East Indian (she is Indian too), and she says, “Indians are everywhere!”…then she starts counting the number of BMWs that she sees, and any time she sees a police car she exclaims, “OH! The police!” like they are hunting her down. She would be much more pleasant if we removed her vocal chords. Then at the nail place, I was watching her read a trashy magazine. She “reads” it backwards — she starts at the back and turns the pages towards the front. And it is like she cannot move her eyeballs independently — she moves her whole head in dramatic jerky movements like a bird. Up, down, up, down, left, right, up. Flip page, repeat.

This morning TW and I were both on our laptops, and the nerd that I am, I always IM him when I see that he is logged in. Here is an excerpt to give you an idea of our maturity.

Me: POO POO
TW: STINKY
Me: STINKY POO POO BUTT
TW: I love the dog

Lately TW has this thing about saying, “I love the dog”. It is like his mantra or something. He will burst into this phrase at any given moment. Lately he has called me at work just to say, “I love the dog”. And sometimes I get an e-mail from him that only says, “I love the dog” or a voicemail that says, “I love the dog”. I think he was bumped on the head recently.

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21 Responses to “Dig Dig Dig Dig Diggity Dog (and a couple of other things)”

  1. Amanda Says:

    OMG with the bone. Bleh! I think it’s a dog thing, though. Mr. W’s dog will roll in anything vile she comes across, and buries her head in his work boots when he takes them off after work. My dog eats anything she can dig up…including the huge grub I caught her licking in the living room the other day. Barf! But they both draw the line with palmetto bugs (huge roaches). What gives?

  2. DC Says:

    Thank you so much for your comment on my blog. I’ve added you to my blogroll; hope you don’t mind. πŸ™‚

    LOL at your dog story!! My dog (who we affectionately refer to as “the mutt”) has had a pig’s ear (yes, I know this is more than disgusting) that he’s been carrying around for – literally – four years. He goes and gets it every night at around 9 p.m. and drops it at the top of the stairs (right where everyone is sure to trip on it). Occasionally, he will try to “bury” it by digging in the carpet. Hysterical.

    Also, I think the whole “I cannot contain my inner dialogue and must spew out every thought racing through my mind” is a mom thing. Let’s just hope we can continue to control our inner dialogues well into old age. πŸ˜‰

  3. Amanda Says:

    LOL…ew…our pug has the worst gas after eating bones, too. Oh, and she buries things, including food, in the couches and chairs, and forgets about them. Those smell really great sometimes too. LOL.

  4. Rebecca Says:

    lol you crack me up πŸ™‚ I’m more concerned about the whole ‘I love the dog’ dialogue than the dog itself!!!

  5. Jessica Says:

    Dogs definitely do some very disgusting things, even to things they’re putting in their mouths: YUCK!

  6. Alicia Says:

    ha ha what a cute puppy! and I love that TW is always saying I love the dog!! so cute.

    Here from NaComLeavMo

  7. giantspeedbump Says:

    Wait….is that…the BONE in the background?? Hahaha…I love dogs. Mine wandered away at the cottage recently and returned with what appeared to be a deer leg…complete with hoof. She is the grossest animal on the planet but I love her to pieces.

  8. Duck Says:

    NaComLeavMo

    Ha, my dog loves those bones too, my mom also makes me crazy (she calls EVERY DAY) and I only answer the phone once a week – I always feel like a bad daughter – it’s so depressing…

  9. Kim Says:

    What a cute puppy! My dog thinks the smellier the better too! My kids have a book called Walter the Farting Dog. It is about a smelly dog that farts a lot. In the end the dog’s farting saves the family from robbers – the dog farts and knocks them out! It is so funny!

  10. Heidi Says:

    I love the bone story. Dogs are so awesome in their weirdness.

    I also love the iming with DH…too cute πŸ™‚

  11. shawna Says:

    ok, you are a great writer. That was funny. I had tears in my eyes from your dog story and the mom story.

  12. docgrumbles Says:

    Funny, I think my husband’s mantra is “I hate the cat.”

  13. Kona Says:

    That is a super cute pic of your doggy!!! πŸ˜‰ I am glad I am not the only one who has mom issues. I love my mom, but I feel bad that I get irritated by her sometimes. I hope DD and I have a better relationship. I hope I don’t drive her too nuts! ;-0

  14. Jamie Says:

    That is so funny!! What is it about dogs and stink?!?! They like to eat it, roll in it, smell like it. Cute dog, though. I bet it is hard to resist those eyes and deny him his mud-caked, bug infested, smelly marrow bone!!

  15. Freyja Says:

    I swear to freaking God this is the funniest blog post you’ve ever written!!! (Of course I am atheist…) Anyway, my mom is just as verbally irritating except that she’s boarderline too… and she can’t speak Hindi or whatever other cool language your mom knows.

    (Every Indian person I know speaks like 2 to 4 languages – and yet the sterotype is that Indian folks are “techies” – so what, you all are good at EVERYthing? I’m totally jealous!!!)

  16. Kenna Says:

    Darling dog, nasty bone…

    Oh, and that’s the kind of conversation my husband and I have over IM as well. We find it hilarious…

  17. Hope Says:

    Dogs are crazy!!! It is so funny to watch them and their silly ways.

    When my husband is home and we both get on the computer and he logs in…I type to him and he thinks that is the funniest thing. I do love when he is at work and logs in…I always tell him I am naked so he will blush – one day someone else is going to be in his office and I will be the one to blush! (btw – I am not naked) πŸ™‚

  18. Shawna Says:

    I love the dialogue between y’all. While my DH and I don’t IM, we have equally immature conversations. Some of my favorites include jerkface and poopoohead.

  19. M Says:

    You are too funny!!!

    Ick on the dog bone! Animals are some strange creatures!!

    Love the convo with your bsband, too! Sounds like some mine and I have had on IM! It’s true love when you can have a random conversation like that for no reason!

  20. Becky Says:

    Okay, you’ve won me over as a reader, dude. I’m here from NCLM and I’m digging you.

  21. Shelley Oliver Says:

    I have been reading your blog from the beginning for the whole day and this one really had me going with tears rolling down my face! I needed a good fat laugh after my BFN (11dp3dt).

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