The Three Hour Wait (14dp1dt)

I am sad I posted such a negative post yesterday. Now I am not feeling negative, I am not feeling positive, I am just ANXIOUS and on PINS AND NEEDLES!  I just want to know, either way, so I can go on with my life. They took my blood at 8:30 (Pacific time) this morning and I should get a call by Noon-1pm. I will post immediately when I find out!

I had a HUGE distraction the last two days. TW’s sister e-mailed him basically telling us that her daughter (almost 18, stripper type dangly belly-ring, tattoo “whore stamp”, tons of make-up, HUGE boobs that she shows off every minute of every day, smokes pot, gets drunk, hangs out with gangsters) is MOVING IN WITH US for two years. WTF? She didn’t ask us, she just TOLD us. Oh – and she didn’t tell ME, she only told TW. I went so ballistic, I am surprised that China didn’t think there was another earthquake! TW is so non-confrontational, he didn’t know what to do. I was so scared he was going to cave. SIL even had the gall to tell him that if he didn’t agree to it, HE was ruining their relationship forever. She tried to convince us that the daughter “is a good girl”, evidenced by the fact that she always comes home by her 1am curfew. I am sorry but a 1am curfew would not work with our lifestyle! And do I want to share my brand new house the minute we move in? I THINK NOT. There are so many things wrong with this scenario that I don’t even know where to start, or how to end.

Supposedly (SIL is a big liar) they are in financial trouble and they want TW’s niece to move in with us to go to junior college by our house. So that they don’t have to support her. WTF!!! If this was truly the case, and they had half a brain, they would have called a family meeting to plead their case. And we would have had time to think about it, and they would have understood whether we said “yes” or “no”. But this is not how it played out. They just did it via e-mail. The e-mail basically had a move-in date, the date of her JC orientation, and the first day of class. We were totally blind sided. Then SIL had the nerve to say, “OH! I thought this was already all worked out!” when TW said it was the first he heard of it. In any event, TW stood his ground. And SIL tried to manipulate him and guilt him and play every trick in the book. TW called his dad, and luckily his dad was totally on my side and told TW that he should not do it. And he didn’t cave (most likely because I told him I would hire a divorce lawyer if the little b**** moved in with us!). If she is so great, why doesn’t SIL want her around anymore? Anyway, I really didn’t need this stress during my 2WW. But it sure did take my mind off the impending beta! And if you ask me, ruining the relationship between us and SIL is an added bonus.

10dp1dt

I have never tested at home after IVF. I am SO tempted, but I am not going to do it. I just think it is a bad idea. I don’t trust those pee sticks as far as I can throw them. I have lasted this long…I can do it, right? Anyway, I gave away all my pee sticks to my acupuncturist, so I would have to go out and buy some. Which I am NOT going to do. TW is so convinced I am preggo, it is hard not to believe him. Yesterday we went next door to check out the progress on the house, and we went into the little room that will be the nursery (should we ever need one). It is going to be painted this really nice, warm, buttery yellow color called “Full Sun”. I figured that it is a pretty gender neutral color, and we can accent it with blue or pink, and if it ends up not being a nursery, it will still be a really nice color…ANYWAY, TW kept saying that the nursery will be nice, but that the “babies” will sleep with us in our room (he thinks I am going to have twins). I think that his enthusiasm is sweet and it is hard not to get caught up in it…but I also know that there is a very good chance that this IVF didn’t work. I am trying to just take it one day at a time. It is so hard. Of course, TW isn’t even going to be in town on the 9th – beta day. He wasn’t here for ER, ET and now he won’t be here on beta day. How convenient!

I keep staring at my chest. I lift up my shirt and stare in the mirror, looking for signs that my boobs are changing. I don’t even know if this would happen so early…I am being really silly. My chest seems more vein-y to me…but I could just be imagining it. I noticed two big veins on my chest, not on my boobs but on my chest area below my collar bone, running towards my boob. And there is also a little purple vein on my left boobie that hasn’t been there before. My boobs are SUPER sore, but I know that all of this could be part of the progesterone supplements. Ugh. I wish I didn’t even write about it b/c it sounds SO ridiculous when I reread this paragraph.

I just need to distract myself. Easier said than done! The good news is that the landscaper, after I spoke with him, agreed to do the whole front of the house, plus grading and drainage around the whole property — following our landscape plans — for the price we wanted!!! I am SO thrilled. We are going to do the backyard next year, but the front of the house is going to be GORGEOUS. He wants me to draw up a proposal detailing everything that will be included and we are all going to sign it on Monday. He started today with a huge Bob.Cat. If nothing else, I am going to be living in my DREAM house in less than 2 months.

I am watching the WORST movie right now, on TV. It is called “The Breed” – it is a Wes Craven flick. It is about a pack of genetically altered wild dogs that terrorize a group of college kids that come to this island getaway for the weekend. It is such a bad movie. The dogs are all German Shepherd looking, and some maybe Belgian Malinois. The scary part: My Sutter looks just like these crazy rabid dogs! I was at the park today and this lady was there with her little Sheltie. She took one look at my dog, and basically said he was scary looking and left. Hmmmph. I think my dog is beautiful. Maybe he does look a little satanic but I love him. You be the judge. The first one was the week I got him. The second one is how he looks now.

Three more days and a wake up, and I will have the answer. Fingers crossed.

IVF#3 Update (after some other stuff)

I just said goodbye to TW. He is off to a conference and will be back on Thursday. I feel awful because he said he was going to leave at 10am, and so that was what I was planning on. Well, he JUST left and it is 12:15pm. I started getting antsy for him to leave. But now that he is gone, I feel sad. I wish I could make up my mind! I think it is because I am a planner, and when someone says how something is going to go, I bank on it. It shouldn’t bother me that he left 2 hours after he said he would, but it bugged me because he said he was going to leave at 10am, and at noon he was still here. Because it wasn’t what he said was going to happen. I wish I was more flexible, I hate that about myself!

Part of the reason I wanted him to get the heck out of here was that I had to start calling my friends to tell them about the appointment times/days. TW is very sensitive about who knows that we are going through IVF (thus the anonymous blog). He wants as few people as possible to know. He knows that my parents and brother are in the loop and a couple of very close friends. But I am a TALKER and have told many more people than he is aware of. Anyway, my friend H is one of the people he really didn’t want in the know because she is dating a friend of his. But H is the one that is taking me for my ER appointment! So I told a little white lie, that J was taking me and picking me up for my ER appointment, and then dropping me off at H’s house, who works from home on Tuesday. I told him that H doesn’t have a clue what was happening, just that I was having a ‘medical procedure’ and that I needed adult supervision for the day. He was fine with this tall tale. I don’t even feel guilty. I have to do what I have to do…but you know what? I should have just told him the truth. Because damn it all, he isn’t around when I really need help with this, and I had to find back-up. Oh well.

I went to the library and got a bunch of books to keep me company while I am “out sick” on Tuesday – Friday. I am really looking forward to relaxing! I went into our storage container to find my DVDs (how dumb am I for storing DVDs instead of bringing them with me to our temporary home!) but couldn’t find them. But I do have some fun movies DVR’d and also there is always pay-per-view. I also have heard that Netflix has a pay-per-view feature but I haven’t tried it yet — anyone out there using it?

Oh — I got a comment on my blog the other day — from someone named “Philip”. He said that he and his wife went through 4 IVF cycles and are finally pregnant after 2.5 years of trying, and that he would be following my progress. He included a link to a website. I clicked on it, and apparently he and his wife “Theresa” have started an IVF consultation business. They will do a free 15 minute phone consult, and then they charge $100 an hour after that. So, I think that his little comment was just an ad so that me and my readers would log on to their site and call them up. I don’t know what they could tell me that I don’t already get from: 1) my RE, 2) my acupuncturist, 3) my blogging friends and 4) Dr. Google. I mean, what makes them more expert than any of us? I am about to go into my 3rd cycle, I had 2 IUIs, and I have been trying for almost SIX years. I think I could open up a business like that as well (although I haven’t had my baby yet, so I guess no one would want to talk to me!). I just don’t know how I feel about this…it seems a little sketchy to me. What do you guys think? (And Philip, if you are back and actually reading, I welcome your comments too). Here is the website in case you are curious: http://www.ivftruth.com/ Now I feel like I am advertising their site — I am not endorsing it either way, but I am wondering what other people think.

Okay – here is the update:

Right: 23, 21, 20, 19, 17, 17 (and some smaller)
Left: 21, 19, 18, 15 (and some smaller)

E2: 3876

The doctor said that my ovaries looked “beautiful” and that the E2 was a “healthy increase” over two days ago. He also said that the E2 matched the size and number of follicles perfectly. I trigger tonight at 9:45pm and go in for ER on Tuesday at 9:15am. Whoopie! When the doctor was looking at me with the dildo cam, the nurse was busy so he had me write my own numbers down. He turned the light off and then said, “It may be a little hard to see while you are writing”. My response was, “I may have poor eggs but my eyesight is perfect!”. He thought that was very funny but then said, “Your eggs aren’t that bad”. Hmmmph.

Please let this be it for me. P.L.E.A.S.E.

Follie Report (IVF#3) and other stuff…

So, I managed to go two whole days without killing anyone or screaming anymore. Amazing. Last night I gave myself three shots of Go.nal-F. Because I had three pens with 75 units in each, and I needed to administer 225 units. So I figured I would use myself as a pin cushion so I don’t waste any of the amazingly precious magic liquid. Ouchie-Mamma.

Sutter is up to his old tricks, burying his bones. He dug one up and brought it in the house, but then he ignored it for two days. Then he buried it again. But last night in the middle of the night I heard a critter in the backyard (probably a raccoon) digging up the bone. And alas, this morning when Sutter wanted his special heat and pebble, dirt and sand, marinated marrow bone, it was gone. Poor puppy (but Yay, me!)

Anyway, this morning I was puttering (I am so good at puttering it should be on my resume…I could wake up two hours before I need to be at work and then have to rush to get ready because I putter so much!) and then sat down to my laptop at the kitchen table. PT was eating two eg.go waffles and a bowl of che.erios. I checked the time and it was 8:35am. She is supposed to be at her windsurfing/sailing camp (doesn’t that sound like fun!) at 9am. TW was also puttering and I asked him what the heck was going on…shouldn’t they be on their way? PT was sitting there licking her spoon. Come-on. It wasn’t a hot fudge sundae, it was a bowl of cheer.ios. But she was licking her spoon and she was still in her PJs. This drives me nuts — the slobs are also chronically late. So then TW says, “PT! Time to get dressed!” and she still sat there licking her spoon. I said, “God, PT. Even when you are super late you still move like a snail.” And she glared at me and got up, putting her dish and bowl in the sink (or course not the dishwasher). Then TW starts singing a song: “I am always late, because I am so great!” WTF? So I said, “OK, way to teach your daughter that being late is a virtue”. And his response was, “Great was the only thing I could think of that rhymes with Late”. OK TW, let me help you:

Ingrate
Irate
Irritate
Agitate
Aggravate

Hey – isn’t there an INXS song that could help him too?

See – there is no lack of words that rhyme with late! God, TW and I are so different. He can only think of positive words like “Great” and I can only think of negative words. I guess he is the yin to my yang (or I am the frown to his smile!)

Okalee Dokalee – here is the news on my progress for IVF#3:

Right ovary follicle count: 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 14
Left ovary follicle count: 17, 14, 14, 11 (and ‘several’ more that were smaller than 11…he didn’t count or measure them).

My E2 is up to 2057. They reduced my Gon.al-F dose from 187.5 in the a.m. and 225 in the p.m., to 150 twice a day. I have to go back on Sunday morning for another u/s and follie check.

Guess who offered to take me to my appointment for ER: My ‘friend’ – the one who gives all the advice? The one that is 4.5 months pregnant? NO FREAKING THANKS! I do have two lovely friends, J1 and H who are “on call”. It is so hard being a planner with IVF. TW is going to be out of town 6/22-26 which of course is exactly when I would need him. So if I have to go in on Monday, J1 is going to help. On Tuesday it will be H and if it is on Wednesday, H and J1 will share. I am totally covered, and I am so grateful for having such great friends! AND I am going to take Tuesday – Friday off from work! YAY!!!

Bad Wife – Good Step-Mom

First of all – I have to say that I agree with a lot of you – the NaComLeavMo concept is awesome and I love the comments. However, it is a shitload of work. I keep wanting to post and then I think — oh, I will check out some more blogs and make some comments. Then next thing I know, hours have gone by, and I haven’t posted, let alone read the comments that others are making on my own blog!

Reason number one that I am a bad wife (you be the judge):There is nothing in our fridge. I usually do all the grocery shopping, and I do it often. I have to drive right by our fave store on my way home from work, so I pop in to buy this or that. But for some reason over the past week, I haven’t shopped. And we have run out of everything. One would think that TW would catch a clue and maybe head to the store himself, so now it is kind of a test. How long will it take him to go to the store? Yesterday morning he wanted to make some sort of scramble. We had two eggs. And the only other thing he could find that would “go” with the eggs was baby carrots. So he made a baby carrot scramble. I thought it was pretty funny. Poor guy. I don’t think that a carrot scramble will be the new rage on the local breakfast menus.

Reason number two that I am a bad wife (you be the judge):I asked TW what he was going to get me for my birthday (which is tomorrow, by the way).  He responded, “I asked PT and she thought that a $50 gift certificate to Nordstrom would be the perfect gift”. I almost choked, then I started to cry (literally), then I tried to stab him in the eye with my half eaten corn on the cob. Nothing says, “I don’t like you very much” than a gift certificate to Nordstrom. Okay, nothing against Nordstrom, I actually do shop there quite a bit. But it is SO unimaginative. And, $50 would buy me one pant leg, maybe, if it is on sale. I know that PT thinks that $50 would buy her a car, but still. Why would he take a 12 year old’s advice? It turned into a big “to do” with tears on my end and anger on his. I came across as a crazy, greedy, bitch. And TW was like a deer in the headlights. Should I be such an ingrate? I mean — we are going through a hell of a remodel and bleeding money like stuck piggy banks. But truly, if he feels like he cannot afford to buy anything more than $50 for my birthday, I think we should just forgo the presents. I told him he could buy me a nice card. He could give me a foot rub or a back rub. He could cook me dinner AND do all the dishes. He could do some research and figure out a place we can hike with the dog, and take a picnic. There are lots of free or almost free things he could do. $50 would even buy me a mani/pedi/eyebrow job at my favorite salon. He just has to use his pea sized brain to figure it out. The figuring out is what counts…don’t you think? But I still do feel like a bad wife since he really wasn’t expecting such a violent reaction from such an innocent conversation. But he should know by now: I.LOVE.MY.BIRTHDAY. LOVE.LOVE.LOVE. So a $50 GC just doesn’t cut it.

Why I am a good step-mom – reason 1: I took X to the hospital yesterday. I drove 30 minutes, picked her and PT up, took X to the hospital, dropped PT off at school. I took the day off work to do it so I could be ready to pick X up when she needed a ride. I had to get her prescription, sit with her while she got her discharge instructions, get her into the car, get her into her apartment, set her up on the couch. I went to Trader Joe’s to get her some soup because she couldn’t eat solid food until after the general wore off completely. She thought someone was bringing food over but no one showed up. I also had to stay with her for 4 hours in case she had any trouble. At one point during the discharge instructions, the nurse put her hand on my arm and said, ‘You are such a good friend’. And X said, ‘Yes, she is’. It just felt so odd to hear her say that. This was a very emotional day for me, lots of mixed feelings bubbling up. I can’t hate her, but she has been so awful to us. And now she has cancer, and she has no one to turn to, except for the woman that her ex married. It is very strange.

Why I am a good step-mom – reason 2: I sat through an hour and a half of GRUELING music at the elementary school. It is so hard for me to even go there – because I look around at all the parents feeling like a fish out of water. I am the only woman that hasn’t pushed one of the kids out of my birth canal. I cannot even pretend to enjoy these fucking concerts. I look at my watch every 5 minutes and I physically cringe when someone misses a note. Everyone else thinks it is just adorable. And they clap and cheer and holler and take movies and pictures. Would I feel the same if one of my bio kids was up on the stage?? PT was in the very back row so we could barely see her. She wouldn’t have even known if we had left. I had to listen to the fucking songs that she practices every day. The dog howls so loud that he drowns out the viola that she is playing completely off tune. You know that corn cob I wanted to stab TW with? I wish I had had it so I could have poked my own ears out. So, I was watching this damn concert…and I noticed that every single kid at PT’s school is unattractive. Seriously. There are maybe 2 or 3 cute kids. Out of hundreds. What is the deal with that? How can there be so many ugly kids in one school? You would think that the law of averages would dictate that there would be 50% better than average and 50% below average. But truly, these kids are almost all below average. Someone hit them with an ugly stick. The girls have unibrows and mustaches. And the boys look like girls. Maybe it is the water. Okay – maybe I am not such a great step-mom after all. I was trying to prove I was a good step-mom because I sat through the concert, so give me a couple of points for that. 

I start Lu.pron shots tomorrow. I cannot believe I am starting IVF cycle #3. I am SO bored with the whole thing. Oh, the other day when I went to the clinic for some reason or other…I noticed that outside the clinic smells like dirty vagina. I know that is completely and totally disgusting to say. I think it is some sort of vile flower that grows on the trees. Have you ever entered the stall in the ladies room after an old lady has used it…and there is that ….. SMELL? It smells just like that. I truly hope my hootchie never smells like that. I will give TW the corn cob to kill me if it does. I just thought of the perfect birthday present for me. TW has his appointment tomorrow to whack off and deliver the goods to the clinic. How about he does it without complaining, and he gets to the lab on time, for once. That would make my day.

 

 

3 stories and why I need to lose 15 pounds

1. I went out to dinner with TW at an old restaurant that I hadn’t been to in ages. It started out as a nice night, we were having a nice conversation, good wine, yummy food. As always is the case, my mind wandered to the thought of babies and I said, ‘Can you see it? Can you imagine us with a little baby? Do you think it will happen?’ And to my horror TW’s response was, ‘Only God knows’. This, to me, is so similar to the “If it is meant to be” or “If it is in God’s plan” comment….the comment that makes me go into outer orbit. And it came out of my husband’s mouth. I almost completely lost it! I think my mouth dropped open and I could feel my eyes begin to tear up. And I went into my usual diatribe — about people like Britney Spears and Nicole Ritchie – THEY are meant to be mothers because God wants it so. And the guy in Alabama who dumped his 4 children ages 3, 2, 1 and 4 months over the bridge. And the woman in DC who killed all four of her children because they were possessed by the devil. THEY are the ones that God has chosen. And not me? Not me? I seriously could have stabbed him with my steak knife. I think he realized he said exactly the wrong thing but it still baffled me that the guy I am married to, the one that has been through this with me for so long, is so clueless!!! It ended up okay, believe it or not, it ended up in laughter. On the way home I yelled at him some (since I couldn’t yell at the restaurant) and then at the end of my vent, he yelled, “GOD IS GREAT” and I just busted into hysterically laughter. And then later at home we turned on the TV and watched the news. As usual the news was full of awful stories of murder and tragedy, and after each story I said, ‘That is in God’s plan” and then TW would yell “GOD IS GREAT. It was really dumb but at least we couldn’t fight anymore because we were laughing too hard.

2. At acupuncture on Saturday, K really got my hopes up. I am trying not to be mad at her because I love her so much. But at the beginning of each treatment, she takes my pulses on both wrists. Usually this is completely uneventful, I don’t even know what she is looking/listening for (she also always asks to check my tongue, I need to google that too!). In any event, after checking my pulses, K asked me if I had eaten (she always does this as well, but usually b/c my appointments are at 10am and I am not a breakfast girl — she is trying to change that). When I told her that I had lunch (a turkey sandwich and some chips), she said, “Huh. Okaaaaaaay….”. She sounded really curious so I asked her what was going on. She told me that my pulses were GREAT, REALLY GREAT, whatever that means. And then she got so bold as to say that my pulses sound like pregnant pulses! Then she immediately said she hates saying that, and that she never usually says it, but that sometimes she can tell….but that sometimes she is wrong. Then she said something feels really different. What the fuck. I asked her what about my pulses sounded “pregnant” and she said that they were just really strong. She also mentioned that my hands and feet were really hot and a little sweaty, and usually I am frozen. I actually did notice this heat myself, it is pretty cold here (45 degrees or so and mid thirties overnight) and I have felt pretty warm. The heat hasn’t been on at night, and I am taking off layers of clothing while TW is asking me to turn the heater on. So, I am not sure what is going on with me, but I really wish K hadn’t said anything about pregnancy. I have had my hopes up so high so many times! I am trying to just assume that acupuncture and herbs are doing something for me, in a good way. My body is changing for the better for the next IVF cycle. K was really apologetic for blurting it out, and kept saying she doesn’t know what is going on, I should keep an open mind, and we will just wait and see what happens. I am 8DPO (if I ovulated after her last treatment on 1/13). No other “symptoms” except for the elevated temperature (or I should say the feeling of elevated temperature since I am not doing BBT anymore). Aaaaaack!

3. Yesterday TW ran in a 10k race with his dad. I was going to stay home but he convinced me it was my wifely duty to go and cheer them on. So I went. I really didn’t want to go, especially after the “God is Great” conversation the night before. But I got up and bundled up like the little brother in A Christmas Story. And I was COLD, it was 33 degrees in the sun. I waited at the finish line and 1 hour after they started, here comes TW….grunting with every step and running with a really weird gait. He crossed the finish line and then it was clear that he was in severe pain…he sprained his ankle a mile before the finish line! It was a trail run through the woods, lots of obstacles and pits and rocks, etc. But this was totally his fault. He was running up a steep hill and three women passed him … he couldn’t have that! So, he decided to run as fast as he could down the steep hill on the other side. He said he was running so fast he was barely in control. And he sprained his ankle when it hit a seed pod. Serves him right! I mean, if he ran at a normal pace he would have gained at least 3 or 4 minutes on his time. But he had to run out of control and ended up injuring himself. And the three women he was trying to catch up to beat him anyway. And who is paying for his stupidity?? That would be me. He is the WORST patient!!! (But of course his sprained ankle isn’t stopping him from trying to have sex with me three times a day…I seriously wonder what has gotten into him! I wonder if his hormones have normalized in some magical way?) I will be so curious to see what his counts are when he gives a sample for our next IVF.

I was hankering for a snack today and decided a salad sounds good, and healthy too. So I got out the lettuce, spinach, cherry tomatoes and cucumber and put a bunch in a bowl. And then I decided to make home made blue cheese dressing, with mayonnaise, sour cream, blue cheese, garlic, lemon juice, pepper, green onions…I added a little non-fat yogurt for posterity but UGH, I have turned this salad into a snack worse than an ice cream sundae!

I have been corresponding with the IVF clinic about our next cycle and I will go in for CD3 blood work when AF arrives. I asked them if they still had TW’s sample from last time, he gave them a sample to freeze as a back-up. I assumed that they had it, since we used fresh sperm for the 1st IVF. The clinic informed me that per the contract, they destroy any unused sperm. ANNOYING, and I totally forgot. So TW has to go on antibiotics for 5 days again and then “do his thing”. TW’s travel schedule is going to be hectic the next two months so I am banking on going through IVF#2 by myself. But it sure would have been nice if they kept that sperm. So I asked if we could keep it next time if we don’t use it and they said we could but it would be an extra $720 dollars to store it! OMG, forget it. I swear, IVF clinics are money making machines.

Yikes – thanks for bearing with me through this monster post!

Follie Report Part Deux and Emotional Upheaval (Updated)

 ***UPDATED **

It is very strange. In some ways I feel totally normal. Like I can’t tell that I have all these weird hormones coursing through my body. I have barely any physical symptoms, none of the ones I was warned about. But my temper. And my tears. I am on a very short fuse. VERY.SHORT. Last night I brought some cookies home that one of my co-workers had made. I had tasted one earlier in the day and didn’t really care for it, but brought some home for TW and PT in case they would like them. I brought 4 cookies home. I served up dinner, and afterwards I asked them if they wanted a cookie. They both said they did, so I got up and brought one back for each of them. They gobbled them up. Then PT asked TW if he wanted another one. So she went into the kitchen and brought one back for each of them. Mind you, I had no desire to eat one of the cookies. But I said, “How many are left” (knowing full well that there weren’t any left). Both PT and TW immediately offered me their cookie, and I started to cry. I told them I didn’t want the cookie, which was true. But I was crying like a baby. I wanted them to offer me a cookie before they took the last two. This is common courtesy, right? Especially after I brought the cookies home in the first place. But crying about it instead of telling them how I feel? I am acting like a baby. And I know it. But I can’t help it. Then to make things worse, I got up to take their dishes to the kitchen, and TW grabbed my sweats and pants-ed me. He does this ALL THE TIME, and I usually just pull them up and walk away. It bugs me but he thinks it is hilarious. He has done this about a thousand times since I have known him. This was NOT the right night to do this. I turned into Linda Blair in the exorcist. I think my head spun around 5 times and I am surprised I didn’t projectile vomit all over him. But I screamed. SCREAMED. “DON’T FUCKING DO THAT TO ME!!!!! IT IS SO DISRESPECTFUL!!! DON’T FUCKING DO IT!!!” I was hysterical. I couldn’t stop crying. I was sobbing and could barely breathe. I ran into my room and belly flopped on the bed, and buried my head in the pillows. Amazingly, TW chased after me. He crawled on the bed and took the pillows off my head, and covered my face in kisses. He said he was sorry and said he wouldn’t bug me anymore. He apologized that they took the cookies without asking if I wanted one. He told me to come back to the family room when I felt better. And after 10 minutes I did. I had let it all out. And I felt better.

Had another u/s this morning. Dr. P was there, he seemed like he was in a good mood. The nurse who told me it was impossible to have a cyst on Lup.ron was there too…I had to bite my tongue from explaining that one CAN have a cyst on Lu.pron according to the doctor! I just let it go.

Here is the follie report: Right ovary – 18mm, 18mm, 17mm, 13. Left ovary – 17mm, 16mm, 13mm, 11mm. The left is a little slow on the uptake, huh? But, it is what it is. They gave me one more shot of Folli.stim (225 units) this morning, and sent me back to the crazy pharmacy to pick up one more 300 IU vial just in case I need it (or to return to the clinic, since I ‘borrowed’ some of theirs this morning). I feel like I am bleeding money! But as long as that is the only thing I am bleeding, I can handle it. E2 report will be coming in a few hours. They think I will trigger tonight or tomorrow night. Retrieval will be on Thursday or Friday – I am FREAKING out! I decided to take all of next week off (well the 3 days I would have normally worked)…then we have Thanksgiving on Thursday/Friday. God, I am so nervous.

**UPDATE**. My E2 was 1264 and I got an e-mail that my stimming is over. Yahoo! I am to take 10,000 units of HcG tonight at 11:30 PST exactly. My egg retrieval will be at 11am on Thursday!

The pharmacy I go to is worse than the post office. There are about 10 people working like bees behind the scenes, and only one girl at the register. Every time I go, they say that they are “getting my stuff ready”.  How hard is it to get a box of Folli.stim ready? It isn’t like they have to do anything…no counting of pills, or measuring anything. But whatever. It is what it is. This is my new motto: IT IS WHAT IT IS.

So, I plunked down on the chair, waiting for them to get whatever ready that they needed to get ready. I picked up my book: “Happiness Sold Separately” (I am a couple of books behind on the Barren Bitches Book Brigade). I was reading a particularly poignant passage where the main character was reflecting on how she treated her husband during fertility treatments, and whether she had driven him to have an affair…she was describing the way her marriage had deteriorated before her eyes. I felt so fearful, like it was happening to my marriage before my eyes. And if it does happen, it would be mostly my fault. I know it, and I want to stop it, but I can’t. Well, I hope I can. Maybe I can? I was on the brink of tears. And then a mom came and sat down next to me with her adorable two year old. They had to wait for the pharmacy to get their stuff ready too. So she asked the little boy if he wanted to read a book, and he said he did. So she pulled a copy of Thomas the Train out of her bag and started reading it out loud to him. I could see the little boy in profile, he had creamy skin that I just wanted to touch. And his eyelashes were longer than any that I have ever seen. And he had that little soft baby voice. My heart just melted. And the mom came to a passage where Thomas served tea and cupcakes to his friends. And the little boy said, “I love tea and cupcakes” in his tiny voice. It was too much for me. My eyes sprang a leak and I had to exit stage right to compose myself.

Please let me be a mom. Please.

Status.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I have been thinking a lot about everything today and I am going to toughen up and forge ahead. TW is on board. He isn’t on board emotionally, and I am just going to have to deal with it. I AM grateful that he hasn’t pulled the plug on my IVF plans and that he will go along with it because it is so important to me. I will learn to handle the lack of emotional support. I get that from my girlfriends and you out there in blogland!

I had my ultrasound today, and I don’t know what to think. I feel like I got a bunch of mixed messages. Yesterday was my 6th day of stims. I have no clue where I should be …. I should have read up on it before going in. Before the doctor checked me out, I told him that I felt nervous. He told me that we may not see much, because the stims take 5-6 days to kick in. So I relaxed a little bit. When he starting looking, he counted 3 follies on the left and 4 on the right. They were measurable, but there was only one on each side that was over 10mm. He said there were lots of small ones on both sides. I felt that things looked good (what do I know, though!) but after the exam when I asked the doctor if things looked okay, he said, “No”!!! He said that he would have hoped to see more! What the fuck??? He just told me not to worry if we couldn’t see much, and then in the next breath told me that things were not progressing. I asked him if he was worried and he said, “Not yet”. I asked him if we were going to have to cancel and he said “NO”. What happened to my doctor with the great bedside manner???

They took my blood and gave me my shot. I was stressed out. I felt like crying. I pictured not responding to the meds, and having the cancel the cycle. I never thought of that before — I have always been completely textbook when it comes to responding to treatments. But I guess it is a reality I have to face. Anything is possible. I called TW on my way to work after the appointment and of course didn’t get any reaction out of him. He just told me to be patient. What was I thinking. It is so hard wanting to reach out to him, knowing he can’t give me what I need.

I got my blood results back this afternoon – after 6 days of stims, my E2 level is 180. That seems super low to me. They increased my follistim dosage back to 225 units twice per day. I had to go the pharmacy twice….in the morning I picked up another 600 IU vial, and then in the afternoon they had me pick up a 300 IU vial. This is just lasting me until Monday morning for my next u/s and blood work. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE. Pick up the pace, ovaries!

I know that things can change quickly at this point. But having never been through this, I just don’t know what to expect or how my body is going to respond.

I asked my father-in-law to take care of PT on the 13th or 14th in case we have the ER one of those days. My gut is telling me we may move it later on, depending upon how things go. You know what is funny? At first I really wanted the ER to be on a day when TW was in town. But now I don’t care. At this point I would much rather my friend M come with me and take care of me. She gets it! I have lined her up, and believe it or not, I am hoping that the ER lands on 11/13 or 14 when TW is out of town!

I e-mailed K the acupuncturist, and she told me to try to relax, that things can progress very quickly at this point. Keep breathing.

I am eating like a pig. It must be nervous eating. Each night I make myself an ice-cream sundae with whipped cream and chocolate syrup. I usually have dessert once a month, if that! When I went to the pharmacy this afternoon to pick up my meds, I stopped by this bakery while they were getting my meds ready, and got a small piece of chocolate cake to go. It will be my dessert tonight. I am going to douse it with whipped cream and strawberries. I can’t wait.

As I was waiting to pay for my meds, I saw this lady with a large bag of meds standing next to me. I saw the box of Folli.stim in her bag. She looked about my age. I was dying to say something to her, but at first I kept my mouth shut. Then the pharmacist brought my Folli.stim out and asked me if I had used it before. The lady said, “OH! I am doing the same thing”. We were done at about the same time so we walked out together and ended up chatting for about 20 minutes outside the pharmacy. She is doing IUIs with injectables at a clinic I looked into using. She has a 2 year old and she is 40 years old….they spontaneously conceived their child and thought this time it would be just as easy. Not so much. Anyway, she seemed really sweet and open, so I asked if we could exchange e-mails. And we did. She lives a little far away but works in the same town as I do. We shall see if we start up a friendship. I really wouldn’t mind. I love my blogland friends, but I don’t know anyone IRL that is going through this.

That is my status. I am going to go eat a hotdog with sauerkraut and onions, and then my chocolate cake!

The Truth

The last few nights TW & I got into it. This is the first time in a while that we fought about IF. The other night he really made me mad…He accused me of being so focused on IVF that I was letting other important things go. Like being a step mother. WTF? I was so livid I could barely even talk. I told him that he is always so focused on PT that nothing else matters…but deep down I wonder if I will feel the same way if (when) I have a baby? Will I be so focused on my baby that nothing else will matter to me? I honestly hope not. But after wanting this for so long, if (when) it really happens, I don’t know that I can make any promises.

Here is what started the argument. A couple of weeks ago I brought up the fact that PT was starting puberty. I am quite sure that she will have her period any minute. A couple of moms from PT’s school took their 6th grade girls to this pre-teen class at the local children’s hospital. It is for moms and daughters. I told TW about it and he said it sounded like a good idea. I also told him that I was going to talk to PT about her period and ask her if she wants to carry a pad around in her back-pack, in case it happens at school.

This is a very mother/daughter moment….getting your period for the first time. The fact is, PT has a mother. I am not sure if her mother has talked to her about any of this, but after thinking about it a little harder, I realized that maybe I don’t want to be the one to talk to PT about it. I think PT would want to talk to her mother about it, and her mother would want to talk to PT about it. I don’t want to step on any toes. I am happy to talk to her in addition to anything her mom says, but I didn’t want to be the first one. So I sat on it and didn’t do anything.

So, the other night, TW and I were on our way back from a dinner party. I asked him if he took his pill for the 4th time that day (I have this obsession about asking, I guess it is more like nagging, but I am SO determined not to mess this IVF protocol up, I can’t help myself!). Instead of answering my question, TW said, “Have you talked to PT about her period yet? Have you signed her up for that class?” I said I had not, and he went through the roof. Mind you, it was MY fucking idea in the first place. I told him that I hadn’t done anything because I thought I should talk to PT’s mother first. He flipped it around and said that I hadn’t done anything because I was so obsessed with IVF that I can’t do anything that isn’t related to it. He said I am so worried about his pills that everything else has fallen off the radar. He said that I was making excuses – that I really didn’t WANT to talk to PT, that all I care about is IVF. And that once I have a baby, I better get my act together because I am going to have to think about the baby, and not just about myself. Basically that I am a self-absorbed bitch. He also added that my complaining about my headaches, and shots and appointments and whatever else — that I brought it all upon myself. That no one is forcing me to do any of this. And that I should just suck it up because it is a decision that I made. (Yes, he said it was a decision that I made on my own.)

No wonder I feel all alone in this. I actually AM all alone. I had no idea.

I didn’t continue the argument. There was no point. He had had two martinis earlier and was all fired up. Obviously he had been holding a lot of this inside, for a LONG time.

I waited a couple of days to let it pass. And I needed to gather my thoughts. So last night I brought it up and I tried to stay as calm as possible. I asked him about his statement that I made the decision and that I brought this upon myself. I told him that I though WE made the decision TOGETHER. He disagreed. He said that I was so hell bent on having a baby that he couldn’t tell me how he really felt. He would never have chosen IVF himself. He is going along with it, but inside he is kicking and screaming. I asked him if he wants a baby, and he said that he does, but that he doesn’t want to go through all these hoops to get there. He honestly feels that if it is meant to be, it will happen the “normal” way. Having sex. With his wife. Missing a period. Taking a pregnancy test. That is how he thinks it should happen, and that is still how he thinks it should happen, even after FIVE years of trying. And even after talking to the RE and the IVF doctor who told us that we would have a .0001 percent chance of ever conceiving naturally.

So. The truth. The truth is that he is doing this all for me. He is not into it. He doesn’t want to do it. He is going along with it. Because he doesn’t feel he has a choice. And he feels that since I have made this choice, that I should roll with the punches, no matter how awful it gets. He admitted that he wants to have more sympathy for me, and he wants to be empathic, but he doesn’t know how, because he really doesn’t agree with what we are doing. He thinks it is unnatural and we are using science to go against nature. What it comes down to is that he doesn’t think this was meant to be, and I am forcing it to happen.

I reminded him that he did tell me he was on board, before we paid for FOUR cycles of IVF. And that if it doesn’t work the first time, that we would do it again. And if it doesn’t work the second time, we were going to try one more time. The third time? If the third time isn’t a charm, then the fourth time it will be. He confirmed that he knew we would be doing it more than once if necessary and he told me he would do everything he needs to do to keep our chances as high as possible. But emotionally he isn’t there. He is just going through the motions because he loves me, and he knows how important it is to me. And he asked me: What happens if we do it four times and it doesn’t work. What then? Four more times? He said he can’t do it. That he is willing to do this for the four times we have committed to, but if it doesn’t work, we have to stop. And he asked me to promise. So I did.

I was weeping. Should I be grateful that he didn’t put his foot down 4 months ago and say, “Absolutely not!” when I brought up IVF? I guess so. But I don’t feel grateful. What I want is to shake him. I want to kick and scream and tell him to get his shit together. That he needs to be supportive and I need him to give me my shots, and give me a hug when I am feeling like crap, and rub my back and make me food. I want him to drive me to my appointments. I want him to ask me how I am doing! I want him to be interested in how my doctors appointments went. But he isn’t. And he doesn’t. And I can’t make him.

I married a guy who doesn’t have an emotional bone in his body. And I knew it when I married him. But I read some of these IF blogs and wonder who these guys are that go to every appointment and call the doctor themselves for test results, and give every shot and talk and talk and talk about IF with their wives. And write blogs! Who are these men?

TW is doing this for me. Just for me. Because he loves me. And he doesn’t want to stop me from trying to conceive. But he would rather not be doing this. He would rather be doing ANYTHING but this.

At least I know the truth now. But it doesn’t make it any easier.

I guess that is why I have been feeling so lonely.

Baseline

I had my baseline ultrasound yesterday morning at 9am. I told the doctor about my ovary pain, and asked him if it was unusual. He said that the nurse had told him about it and he was going to look for a cyst during the ultrasound. I was a little confused because I knew that Lu.pron is a suppressant. And surprisingly, he told me that the first few days of Lu.pron acts as a stimulant, and then things quiet down after. So he said he thought my pain sounded like a Lu.pron induced cyst! I was kind of annoyed that the nurse had no clue about this. She specifically told me it would be impossible (or highly unlikely) to get a cyst on Lu.pron so my pain had to be menstrual cramps. She needs a refresher course. However, I am still feeling lucky that my clinic has 24 hour service if necessary.

The ultrasound was perfect. No cysts on either side. I love my doctor. He has a really nice bedside manner. When we were first meeting him in the consult, he was all business and kind of dry. But in the exam room he is really warm. He held my foot during the ultrasound and patted it when he warned me there would be a little more pressure, etc. He saw a bunch of “resting” follicles and was happy with how everything looked. He sat for a minute with his eyes closed and then announced my protocol: Lu.pron is reduced from 5 units to 2.5 units twice a day. Then Folli.stim is added at 225 units twice a day for two days. Starting on Sunday I continue the 2.5 units of Lu.pron twice per day, and the Folli.stim is 225 units in the morning and 125 units at night. I also started the baby aspirin, and TW started anti-biotics. How he figures this out, I have no idea, but I guess that is why I paid him the big bucks! My tummy is bruised, I hit a couple of bad spots with my Lu.pron so I had the nurse give me the Folli.stim in my arm.

Last night my friend M came over and watched movies and ate dinner with me, TW was on a trip. We watched the first DVD of the series My So Called Life. This show was on in the mid-90s and it was SO GOOD. It was canceled after 1 season and I thought I would die! It finally came out on DVD and I bought the whole series! I was so excited that I pre-ordered it on Amazon about 3 months ago. M had never watched it, but she has a 15 year old daughter so it was extremely real for her (the main character is played by a 15 year old Claire Daines, as a highschool freshman with lots of teen-age angst). M gave me my Folli. shot in my arm last night. It was the first time I had someone else give me a shot (besides the nurse!).

This morning I did my own Lu.pron shot, but I made TW give me the Folli shot in the back of my arm. He was really uncoordinated and after he put the needle in, before he injected the meds, he kind of let the needle slide back out half way so the meds weren’t injected as deep as they should have been…I hope it is okay! He also poked me by accident in a different spot before injecting me! And he forgot to stop pinching my skin before pressing the plunger down, and he forgot to leave the needle in for 5 seconds before pulling it out. It was his first time, so I should be patient. I should also be happy that he did it, because he hates needles and told me before he didn’t think he could do it. So, that was a step in the right direction, that he willingly stuck me in the arm. And when he was done, he told me he would get better at it. So I thanked him profusely (after berating him just a little bit….I can’t help myself!)

If all goes as planned, ER will be on 11/13. And Sweet Christmas! TW will be in town!!!