Follie Report Part Deux and Emotional Upheaval (Updated)

 ***UPDATED **

It is very strange. In some ways I feel totally normal. Like I can’t tell that I have all these weird hormones coursing through my body. I have barely any physical symptoms, none of the ones I was warned about. But my temper. And my tears. I am on a very short fuse. VERY.SHORT. Last night I brought some cookies home that one of my co-workers had made. I had tasted one earlier in the day and didn’t really care for it, but brought some home for TW and PT in case they would like them. I brought 4 cookies home. I served up dinner, and afterwards I asked them if they wanted a cookie. They both said they did, so I got up and brought one back for each of them. They gobbled them up. Then PT asked TW if he wanted another one. So she went into the kitchen and brought one back for each of them. Mind you, I had no desire to eat one of the cookies. But I said, “How many are left” (knowing full well that there weren’t any left). Both PT and TW immediately offered me their cookie, and I started to cry. I told them I didn’t want the cookie, which was true. But I was crying like a baby. I wanted them to offer me a cookie before they took the last two. This is common courtesy, right? Especially after I brought the cookies home in the first place. But crying about it instead of telling them how I feel? I am acting like a baby. And I know it. But I can’t help it. Then to make things worse, I got up to take their dishes to the kitchen, and TW grabbed my sweats and pants-ed me. He does this ALL THE TIME, and I usually just pull them up and walk away. It bugs me but he thinks it is hilarious. He has done this about a thousand times since I have known him. This was NOT the right night to do this. I turned into Linda Blair in the exorcist. I think my head spun around 5 times and I am surprised I didn’t projectile vomit all over him. But I screamed. SCREAMED. “DON’T FUCKING DO THAT TO ME!!!!! IT IS SO DISRESPECTFUL!!! DON’T FUCKING DO IT!!!” I was hysterical. I couldn’t stop crying. I was sobbing and could barely breathe. I ran into my room and belly flopped on the bed, and buried my head in the pillows. Amazingly, TW chased after me. He crawled on the bed and took the pillows off my head, and covered my face in kisses. He said he was sorry and said he wouldn’t bug me anymore. He apologized that they took the cookies without asking if I wanted one. He told me to come back to the family room when I felt better. And after 10 minutes I did. I had let it all out. And I felt better.

Had another u/s this morning. Dr. P was there, he seemed like he was in a good mood. The nurse who told me it was impossible to have a cyst on Lup.ron was there too…I had to bite my tongue from explaining that one CAN have a cyst on Lu.pron according to the doctor! I just let it go.

Here is the follie report: Right ovary – 18mm, 18mm, 17mm, 13. Left ovary – 17mm, 16mm, 13mm, 11mm. The left is a little slow on the uptake, huh? But, it is what it is. They gave me one more shot of Folli.stim (225 units) this morning, and sent me back to the crazy pharmacy to pick up one more 300 IU vial just in case I need it (or to return to the clinic, since I ‘borrowed’ some of theirs this morning). I feel like I am bleeding money! But as long as that is the only thing I am bleeding, I can handle it. E2 report will be coming in a few hours. They think I will trigger tonight or tomorrow night. Retrieval will be on Thursday or Friday – I am FREAKING out! I decided to take all of next week off (well the 3 days I would have normally worked)…then we have Thanksgiving on Thursday/Friday. God, I am so nervous.

**UPDATE**. My E2 was 1264 and I got an e-mail that my stimming is over. Yahoo! I am to take 10,000 units of HcG tonight at 11:30 PST exactly. My egg retrieval will be at 11am on Thursday!

The pharmacy I go to is worse than the post office. There are about 10 people working like bees behind the scenes, and only one girl at the register. Every time I go, they say that they are “getting my stuff ready”.  How hard is it to get a box of Folli.stim ready? It isn’t like they have to do anything…no counting of pills, or measuring anything. But whatever. It is what it is. This is my new motto: IT IS WHAT IT IS.

So, I plunked down on the chair, waiting for them to get whatever ready that they needed to get ready. I picked up my book: “Happiness Sold Separately” (I am a couple of books behind on the Barren Bitches Book Brigade). I was reading a particularly poignant passage where the main character was reflecting on how she treated her husband during fertility treatments, and whether she had driven him to have an affair…she was describing the way her marriage had deteriorated before her eyes. I felt so fearful, like it was happening to my marriage before my eyes. And if it does happen, it would be mostly my fault. I know it, and I want to stop it, but I can’t. Well, I hope I can. Maybe I can? I was on the brink of tears. And then a mom came and sat down next to me with her adorable two year old. They had to wait for the pharmacy to get their stuff ready too. So she asked the little boy if he wanted to read a book, and he said he did. So she pulled a copy of Thomas the Train out of her bag and started reading it out loud to him. I could see the little boy in profile, he had creamy skin that I just wanted to touch. And his eyelashes were longer than any that I have ever seen. And he had that little soft baby voice. My heart just melted. And the mom came to a passage where Thomas served tea and cupcakes to his friends. And the little boy said, “I love tea and cupcakes” in his tiny voice. It was too much for me. My eyes sprang a leak and I had to exit stage right to compose myself.

Please let me be a mom. Please.

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6 Responses to “Follie Report Part Deux and Emotional Upheaval (Updated)”

  1. Kim Says:

    Girly, you have every single prayer/positive thought that I can offer. I absolutely love reading your blog because we seem to ‘feel things’ the same way. Soon you’ll have all of those hormones out of your system and hopefully they’ll be replaced with brand new crazy pregnant ones :O).

  2. swim Says:

    Your follie report is fantastic. Best of luck with ER.

  3. Yodasmistress Says:

    I want you to be a mom.

    As for the stimming/E2 situation. Your levels sound good. Did you state what protocol you are doing? It is fairly widely accepted that your E2 should be around 100 – 200 per mature follie. However, I read that if you are doing the GnRH-antagonist protocol it is especially important for the you to be in that range in order to get quality eggs. I don’t know if it’s coincidence or not or what but for Bluehairedwoman’s cycle (which was that protocol), her E2 was indiciative of a much lower follie count than what she actually had harvested. But then almost everything she had harvested didn’t fertilize. So anyway, I don’t know what that means. BUT, you have about six follies that are approx mature size. And your E2 is about right or that. So it sounds to me (I’m not a doctor – just an internet-junkie-info-whore) like you are right on track. I’m really excited for you. I can’t wait for Thursday!

    P.S. I’m just now starting “Happiness Sold Seperately” too. Normally I would finish it within a few days but I’m the matriarch of the family now so I’ve got a shit-ton of prep work to do for Turkey day so who knows?

    P.P.S. Please don’t feel too bad about the emotions. It reall, honestly is not your fault – I mean you’re pumped full of homrones – how are you supposed to act?

    P.P.S. I think them taking the last of the cookies without first asking you if you wanted them is pretty crappy. But you gotta remember – preteen & man often have the same EQ which is soooo subpar to a woman.

  4. bleu Says:

    I just wanted to wish you every dream come true and send you so much positive energy this week.

  5. Trace Says:

    I get emotional like that when I go to the mall. Especially at Christmas. I look at all the families w/their kids and end up blinking back tears. Now I mostly shop online.

  6. kona Says:

    ((Babystep))-
    Your post almost made me cry. I am thinking and praying positive thoughts for you!!!!! Hang in there.

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