Status.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I have been thinking a lot about everything today and I am going to toughen up and forge ahead. TW is on board. He isn’t on board emotionally, and I am just going to have to deal with it. I AM grateful that he hasn’t pulled the plug on my IVF plans and that he will go along with it because it is so important to me. I will learn to handle the lack of emotional support. I get that from my girlfriends and you out there in blogland!

I had my ultrasound today, and I don’t know what to think. I feel like I got a bunch of mixed messages. Yesterday was my 6th day of stims. I have no clue where I should be …. I should have read up on it before going in. Before the doctor checked me out, I told him that I felt nervous. He told me that we may not see much, because the stims take 5-6 days to kick in. So I relaxed a little bit. When he starting looking, he counted 3 follies on the left and 4 on the right. They were measurable, but there was only one on each side that was over 10mm. He said there were lots of small ones on both sides. I felt that things looked good (what do I know, though!) but after the exam when I asked the doctor if things looked okay, he said, “No”!!! He said that he would have hoped to see more! What the fuck??? He just told me not to worry if we couldn’t see much, and then in the next breath told me that things were not progressing. I asked him if he was worried and he said, “Not yet”. I asked him if we were going to have to cancel and he said “NO”. What happened to my doctor with the great bedside manner???

They took my blood and gave me my shot. I was stressed out. I felt like crying. I pictured not responding to the meds, and having the cancel the cycle. I never thought of that before — I have always been completely textbook when it comes to responding to treatments. But I guess it is a reality I have to face. Anything is possible. I called TW on my way to work after the appointment and of course didn’t get any reaction out of him. He just told me to be patient. What was I thinking. It is so hard wanting to reach out to him, knowing he can’t give me what I need.

I got my blood results back this afternoon – after 6 days of stims, my E2 level is 180. That seems super low to me. They increased my follistim dosage back to 225 units twice per day. I had to go the pharmacy twice….in the morning I picked up another 600 IU vial, and then in the afternoon they had me pick up a 300 IU vial. This is just lasting me until Monday morning for my next u/s and blood work. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE. Pick up the pace, ovaries!

I know that things can change quickly at this point. But having never been through this, I just don’t know what to expect or how my body is going to respond.

I asked my father-in-law to take care of PT on the 13th or 14th in case we have the ER one of those days. My gut is telling me we may move it later on, depending upon how things go. You know what is funny? At first I really wanted the ER to be on a day when TW was in town. But now I don’t care. At this point I would much rather my friend M come with me and take care of me. She gets it! I have lined her up, and believe it or not, I am hoping that the ER lands on 11/13 or 14 when TW is out of town!

I e-mailed K the acupuncturist, and she told me to try to relax, that things can progress very quickly at this point. Keep breathing.

I am eating like a pig. It must be nervous eating. Each night I make myself an ice-cream sundae with whipped cream and chocolate syrup. I usually have dessert once a month, if that! When I went to the pharmacy this afternoon to pick up my meds, I stopped by this bakery while they were getting my meds ready, and got a small piece of chocolate cake to go. It will be my dessert tonight. I am going to douse it with whipped cream and strawberries. I can’t wait.

As I was waiting to pay for my meds, I saw this lady with a large bag of meds standing next to me. I saw the box of Folli.stim in her bag. She looked about my age. I was dying to say something to her, but at first I kept my mouth shut. Then the pharmacist brought my Folli.stim out and asked me if I had used it before. The lady said, “OH! I am doing the same thing”. We were done at about the same time so we walked out together and ended up chatting for about 20 minutes outside the pharmacy. She is doing IUIs with injectables at a clinic I looked into using. She has a 2 year old and she is 40 years old….they spontaneously conceived their child and thought this time it would be just as easy. Not so much. Anyway, she seemed really sweet and open, so I asked if we could exchange e-mails. And we did. She lives a little far away but works in the same town as I do. We shall see if we start up a friendship. I really wouldn’t mind. I love my blogland friends, but I don’t know anyone IRL that is going through this.

That is my status. I am going to go eat a hotdog with sauerkraut and onions, and then my chocolate cake!

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9 Responses to “Status.”

  1. Yodasmistress Says:

    I don’t know anyone IRL who is going through IF either. I have my blogland friends and then the girls over on Loungeplace. (We have a group going through IVF right now – if you’re interested there is a link on my page.)

    I know this is really hard to hear but I think you need to be ok with the fact that this cycle may not work out. Over the summer there were about 12 ladies in the IVF group on LP, of them only 2 got pregnant. Some had prior IVF cycles but most had not. Several of the ladies didn’t get the follicular recruitment they were hoping for. Some were cancelled and some were converted to IUI. It happens. This first IVF is all about learning how your body responds to the meds. I know you’ve been waiting a looooong time and I can only imagine the emotional and physical hell of ovarian hyperstimulation. So these words are easy for me to say. Just remember – you paid for four cycles. They don’t have to get it “right” this cycle. They just have to learn enough to get it right next time.

    All the same, I wish you the VERY best of luck for this cycle. I like to think of medicated cycles along the same philosophy my DH does football – Any Given Sunday. Chin up.

  2. kona Says:

    Good luck with this cycle. Hoping things will improve, and it all goes as planned. I can understand the anxiety! Sounds like you are doing well trying to cope with all that. I’ve been eating for stress, too. I tell myself to I will eat healthy, and I do for the most part, but then I have extra portions of bread and some candy here & there. It’s hard not to eat when you are stressed! The potential IRL friend sounds helpful. It’s always easier to take these journeys with someone who understands.

  3. Rebecca Says:

    I just read your last couple of posts – I’m so sorry for your emotional hell. In terms of the eating, I, unfortunately, can complete relate. I’ve taken to eating ice cream at 10pm every night – what the hell?

    I’ve been diagnosed with OHSS. Why can’t these meds do what they’re supposed to do? It’s been pretty hellish and I can’t imagine putting myself through this next cycle if this doesn’t work.

    I’m thinking of you. I have good thoughts for you for this cycle. You really never know what can happen.

  4. bluehairedwoman Says:

    All the best to you for this IVF cycle. i hope it’s the only one you’ll need.

    feel free to ask whatever questions you may have. sometimes we have to be our own advocates because, although doctors have the degrees, sometimes we know our bodies better than anyone else.

    the important thing to remember is that stimming slowly and steadily is the best way to go. we don’t want to see sudden growths that may leave other follies behind.

    hope you don’t mind, i added you to my blogroll. good luck! 🙂

  5. Kim Says:

    I am so thankful for my ‘real life’ IF friends, also. My blogging friends are amazing, but there’s nothing quite like having someone around who is easily accessible and truly ‘gets it’. Honestly, I talk with them MUCH MORE about this then R. It’s not that I don’t WANT to include him, it’s that he’ll NEVER care as much as I care… and not hearing the same interest/attention/emotion that I have toward whatever issue at that time just crushes me, so I just… don’t.

    But anyway, I’m thinking of you… new reader, but now hooked :O).

  6. Kim Says:

    You’ve got all of the good thoughts and prayers that I can give :O). We’re sort of on the same schedule, except the IUI/IVF thing. I’ll be CD11 tomorrow. Maybe we’ll end up in the 2ww together. Either way, I’ll be looking for an update from you tomorrow.

  7. sarasp Says:

    Yay on getting a potential treatment buddy. It can only make things more tolerable.

  8. Chris Says:

    There is a reason IVF is called a roller coaster. Unfortunately, all you can do is not have any expectations and just go with it through the ups and downs. As long as you are still moving forward with your cycle all is well. That’s all you can ask for at this point. By day 6 I didn’t have a whole lot going on, but by day 9 it was a totally different story! Hang in there!

  9. Jenna Says:

    This post brings back so many wild memories. I had a hard time reading it. The emotions of the cycle are difficult to digest all at once, which is why it’s sometimes best to let yourself handle only what you can each moment. If you need to cry, cry. If screaming and kicking feels right, then find a pillow and pound away. Eating too… all is fair right now.

    Try not to second guess your feelings or discount them. Sadly, there is just no manual for this process.

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