8dp1dt

Gosh, I really don’t have much to report. The house is coming along, lots of little details to take care of. The contractor says he thinks we will be done on August 15th. That is SIX WEEKS from now! OMG. TW is a total nightmare project manager. I told him yesterday that I am ripping the landscaping project out of his dirty hands immediately. I keep telling him that the first words out of his mouth should be our measily budget. We have a gorgeous set of landscape plans, and the estimate was for $125,000. That is not happening right now. So I keep telling him that when he talks to landscapers, he should show them the plans, tell them our budget and say we are going to do this in phases. The ultimate goal is to end up with our landscaping looking just like the plans. But for now, we will live with what we can afford…focusing on the front yard for ‘curb appeal’. For some reason TW refuses to do this. Instead, he shows the plans to the landscapers and doesn’t say a peep. So they think we have deep pockets and come back with these exorbitant estimates. Our street address is deceiving. Yes, there are lots of wealthy people on our block, but we don’t fit that description!!! I am sure that these landscapers assume that we can just write a huge check without batting an eye. Anyway, I am very frustrated because if the house is going to be done in 6 weeks, we really need to get a move on. Oh…and yesterday TW said he picked pavers for our driveway. I did a calculation, and if we used those pavers, we would have a $60,000 driveway. OMG. He needs to take elementary school math again.

Oh — my contractor saw me get pulled over! I am so mortified. The next time I saw him, he greeted me with, “Hey Fugitive”. Then he start laughing hysterically. I know he is never going to let me live this one down. I also saw one of the kids who bags my groceries ride his bike by – he looked right at me. Note to self: Don’t get pulled over in the neighborhood!

Ugh. I am 8dp1dt. Shouldn’t I feel SOMETHING? Anything? I called my clinic b/c the progesterone is driving me nuts. I feel like I have the worst yeast infection I have ever had (except this happens each cycle, so I know it is the suppositories). The clinic said my only other option is PIO IM injections. I politely declined. I will deal with the bajingo bullets thank you very much.

PT is going to her mom’s for three whole weeks tomorrow. Is it horrible that I look forward to this time of year? Three whole weeks without PT is heaven. I know that TW hates it, but I love the break. I am not even going to feel guilty.

Yesterday I went to acupunture…I love it. I wish I was a bajillionaire so I could go every day. She was so cute…I told her that TW is convinced I am pregnant. When she asked me why, I said, ‘Probably because I am such a bitch all the time’. And you know what she said? She said she cannot imagine me being a bitch – ever. I guess she doesn’t know me all that well! But it gave me the warm fuzzies. And then I told her how wrong she is.

We have no plans for the 4th. Just how I like it. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday weekend! 6 more days until beta!

Follie Report (IVF#3) and other stuff…

So, I managed to go two whole days without killing anyone or screaming anymore. Amazing. Last night I gave myself three shots of Go.nal-F. Because I had three pens with 75 units in each, and I needed to administer 225 units. So I figured I would use myself as a pin cushion so I don’t waste any of the amazingly precious magic liquid. Ouchie-Mamma.

Sutter is up to his old tricks, burying his bones. He dug one up and brought it in the house, but then he ignored it for two days. Then he buried it again. But last night in the middle of the night I heard a critter in the backyard (probably a raccoon) digging up the bone. And alas, this morning when Sutter wanted his special heat and pebble, dirt and sand, marinated marrow bone, it was gone. Poor puppy (but Yay, me!)

Anyway, this morning I was puttering (I am so good at puttering it should be on my resume…I could wake up two hours before I need to be at work and then have to rush to get ready because I putter so much!) and then sat down to my laptop at the kitchen table. PT was eating two eg.go waffles and a bowl of che.erios. I checked the time and it was 8:35am. She is supposed to be at her windsurfing/sailing camp (doesn’t that sound like fun!) at 9am. TW was also puttering and I asked him what the heck was going on…shouldn’t they be on their way? PT was sitting there licking her spoon. Come-on. It wasn’t a hot fudge sundae, it was a bowl of cheer.ios. But she was licking her spoon and she was still in her PJs. This drives me nuts — the slobs are also chronically late. So then TW says, “PT! Time to get dressed!” and she still sat there licking her spoon. I said, “God, PT. Even when you are super late you still move like a snail.” And she glared at me and got up, putting her dish and bowl in the sink (or course not the dishwasher). Then TW starts singing a song: “I am always late, because I am so great!” WTF? So I said, “OK, way to teach your daughter that being late is a virtue”. And his response was, “Great was the only thing I could think of that rhymes with Late”. OK TW, let me help you:

Ingrate
Irate
Irritate
Agitate
Aggravate

Hey – isn’t there an INXS song that could help him too?

See – there is no lack of words that rhyme with late! God, TW and I are so different. He can only think of positive words like “Great” and I can only think of negative words. I guess he is the yin to my yang (or I am the frown to his smile!)

Okalee Dokalee – here is the news on my progress for IVF#3:

Right ovary follicle count: 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 14
Left ovary follicle count: 17, 14, 14, 11 (and ‘several’ more that were smaller than 11…he didn’t count or measure them).

My E2 is up to 2057. They reduced my Gon.al-F dose from 187.5 in the a.m. and 225 in the p.m., to 150 twice a day. I have to go back on Sunday morning for another u/s and follie check.

Guess who offered to take me to my appointment for ER: My ‘friend’ – the one who gives all the advice? The one that is 4.5 months pregnant? NO FREAKING THANKS! I do have two lovely friends, J1 and H who are “on call”. It is so hard being a planner with IVF. TW is going to be out of town 6/22-26 which of course is exactly when I would need him. So if I have to go in on Monday, J1 is going to help. On Tuesday it will be H and if it is on Wednesday, H and J1 will share. I am totally covered, and I am so grateful for having such great friends! AND I am going to take Tuesday – Friday off from work! YAY!!!

As promised…

I am changing the topic, and as promised, here is an e-mail my mom sent me after IVF#2 failed. Hold on to your hats….it starts out okay and then just, well. You need to read it:

Hi Babystep,
       I hope you are feeling a little better.  My heart has been
with you all day.  if I told you “I know what your going thru ” you
will say how can anyone know ? So I am not saying I know exactly what
you feel. But I have had similar experiences,   twice I was ready to
adopt but fortunately dad was not ready  and his family was totally
against it so I settled down to try one more time. and it was three
times the magic.  Same thing might happen to you too. Who knows ? I
think you owe it to yourself to try at least one more time. I was
weeping all the time but once I got all that sadness out of me things
worked out
       Do you want us to come and visit you ? or do you want to come
with TW and we could have a simple meal or go to a small place near
by ? That is doable.   But if you want to spend the time with TW
and do something fun then you should.  I suppose he can comfort you
better than we can I suppose since he is in it with you.
       Who says “motherhood is that great?”  It is a big physical
pain , then you make a lot of sacrifices , physical and emotional
some times you are cherished for that and sometimes you get kicked in
the teeth.  Who can say what lies in the future.  As you know I carry
around a heavy heart many waking hours. I don’t even know what I am
trying to say. So being a “mom” is not always that fulfilling as it
has been drummed up to be. Of course I am saying it now but I wanted
a child just as badly as you do.
       So since it is totally out of our hands  and you have done
everything you could possibly do. Now it is the time to accept as
life is and go on. I’d still like you to try one more time at least.
We are taking the dogs  to the dog park but we will be back in an
hour. So call or come by if you like. Love and kisses.
                               Mom

So…yeah. That is my mom in a nutshell. She has her head so far up her ass, she needs a seeing eye dog. (I just made that one up today!) I sent it to my brother and we actually had a good laugh. I can’t take anything my mom says seriously, because she is crazy. She has no filter, and I don’t know if it is part language barrier or what — but a lot of times she has the best of intentions and then she just goes off on a wild tangent and I am left scratching my head. For example, at TW and my 1 year anniversary, she wrote me a note that says, “Congratulations on your 1 year anniversary. I hope that the two of you will be very happy until one of you dies”. Half of her e-mails are written at 1am after she has been out cavorting with her French village people, and she is drunk and half asleep. Those are actually the best because she starts typing gobbledy-gook and usually ends up signing off with something like,

i am getting very sleepy…i should go now before i start typing heebee-jeebee.
love and kissnz;kj;duormmnnnnn

and she clearly fell asleep on the keyboard.

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So, yesterday after work, I walked in the house and TW and PT were sitting at the kitchen table. I said hi, and asked what was going on, and PT said, “I got my period!”. TW was just sitting there acting like PT didn’t say anything (but he lost all color in his face). I said, “When?” PT responded, “Yesterday!” So I said, “Why didn’t you say anything yesterday then?” PT responded, “Because I didn’t know! I thought I just crapped my pants!”. OMG. I almost died laughing. TW had his mouth hanging open and PT and I were cackling like a couple of hyenas. Apparently PT went to the bathroom and there was a bunch of brown sludge on her panties….so she thought she pooped! Wouldn’t you feel it if you pooped in your pants? Anyway, the next day she asked her friend Amanda (who is already 5 foot 5 with big boobs and child-bearing hips) and Amanda confirmed that sometimes the first day of your period is brown, not red. So, mystery solved. PT did not just crap her pants. She is a woman now (yeah, right.)

Oh No.

Anyone see the movie “Stepmom“? It is such a good movie. Susan Sarandon plays a mom extraordinaire who is divorced from a pretty good guy played by Ed Harris. Ed Harris gets engaged to Julia Roberts. There are two kids, a 13 year old girl and a 7 year old boy (or something like that) that are in a shared custody arrangement. Susan Sarandon gets cancer and the family has to come together, despite the differences between the two powerful women in the story. I have watched this movie probably a dozen times. And at the end I always bawl. I think being a stepmom and watching it brings up different feelings than it would for others, but still, I highly recommend.

A little history: TW and PT’s mom (I will call her X) never got married. He was in the Marines, and as Marines do, frequented the local watering hole when he was stationed here or there. X was a frequent lurker at the watering hole, hoping to catch a Marine or two. They got together whenever TW was in town, and at one point she moved to AZ when he was stationed there. The truth of the matter is that they didn’t really get along all that well, but they liked having sex. Clearly they had unprotected sex because PT was the result of this on-again, off-again relationship. X announced she was pregnant. TW said she needed to decide what to do, and he would be on board. X decided to keep the baby and TW left the Marines (he had done his required term). They moved in together and TW supported her through her pregnancy. He wanted to see if marriage should be an option for them. When the baby was born, X sounds like she had post-partum depression, because the story goes that she didn’t get out of bed. TW was in grad school and working, he would feed everyone breakfast and get back early evening. X would still be in bed, the baby would be screaming in a filthy diaper, the house would be a wreck. TW would clean up, cook dinner, feed everyone, and the whole thing would start again the next day. Finally he started taking the baby to his mom’s during the day so that she would get some TLC since X seemed to be unable to parent.

Things got even worse. TW and X started fighting like cats and dogs. TW ended up moving out and there was a horrific court battle over custody. As is the case many times, the courts sided with X and she got much more custody than TW. Over the years TW started getting more and more custody and currently it is split 50/50. Some highlights of X’s behavior:

• Called Child Protective Services on TW when PT was 2 years old and launched a huge child abuse investigation which was thrown out due to lack of evidence. But not until after they interviewed TW’s co-workers, the teachers, family members, etc. Totally humiliating and horrible. X said that PT came home with a cigarette burn on her arm (TW doesn’t smoke) and that her vagina was always sore and red when she got back from a visit with him. The doctors concluded that the sore vagina was due to long soaks in cheap bubble bath at X’s house. The “cigarette burn” was actually a burn from X’s kitchen. X even called TW towards the end of the saga to apologize, saying she had no idea it would get so out of control. She admitted that she lied.
• X put TW in jail for the weekend. It was TW’s official weekend for custody, and he was on his way to pick PT up on Friday after work. He called X when he was on the way, and said he was 20 minutes out. X said that he should just turn around because she was taking PT to Texas for the weekend. TW said “It is MY weekend” and that he was coming to get her. So TW got to X’s house and the cops were waiting for him. He had a copy of the court order in his car (he always had to have it on him because of X’s antics) and showed the cops. X had a copy of a letter she wrote to her attorney asking permission to take PT to Texas. The letter was just a letter asking permission. The judge hadn’t even seen it, there was no court order or response. X was hysterical saying that TW was trying to kidnap her daughter. They cuffed TW and threw him in the back of the car. They said that the judge would clear it up if it really was his weekend. They carted him off to jail, and since it was Friday at 5pm, he had to wait until Monday morning to speak to the judge to get released.
• She called CPS on me. When TW and I first moved in together, PT was in kindergarten. I arrived home from work and there was a note on the door, saying that CPS had come by for a home check. We were to call within 24 hours. We called, and they said there had been an anonymous complaint and that an investigation was launched. We went through about a month of interviews and visits and they threw the case out. One day the CPS social worker stopped by unannounced and it was like a Norman Rockwell scene: hot chocolate and board games in front of the fire, Grandfather was over for the day, dog sleeping on the hearth. They even said that when they visited X’s house, they were more concerned about the child’s wellbeing because of the filth and bad neighborhood that they lived in. I know it was an anonymous “tip” but who else would have called CPS?
• There was a court assessment for changing custody. Luckily X was too stupid to realize you cannot tell a 5 year old to lie because they will usually fuck it up. In the court document it is recorded that PT said to the court assessor, “My mommy made me promise that I would tell you that I don’t like my dad and that I don’t want to live with him anymore”. Ha!
• We asked X if we could take PT a few hours early on a Friday so we could take her to Disneyland for her birthday. X said it would be fine so we bought a non-refundable package travel deal. Then two weeks before we were supposed to go, I sent an e-mail reminding her and she said that she never gave us permission. She said that she was throwing a big birthday party for PT and the invitations were already out. Mind you, we were picking up PT a couple of hours early on a FRIDAY. (We were going to take PT out of 1st grade for the day). X claimed that the party was at 9am on a school day. But in any event, we didn’t have formal permission so we had to lose the money, AND PT lost out on going to Disneyland.
• More minor incidents include X keeping PT out of school whenever she gets wind that TW is going to chaperon a field trip. This has happened multiple times. TW ran a couple of girl scout meetings and PT didn’t show up on those days. She never brings her to team practice for sports, never checks her homework, says horrible things about me and TW to PT on a frequent basis (for example she told PT that her dad didn’t want her, and that he tried to force her to have an abortion).

The last two or three years, things have calmed down quite a bit. X got a real job (prior jobs were day-care aide, changing poopie diapers) as a 2nd grade teacher. She started allowing PT to participate in after school activities and TW and X have even been amicable enough that they call each other for help if one or the other is busy and need transportation for PT. Which has been HUGE. I have even met X for lunch a couple of times. I thought it would soften her up a bit, and I think it did. And we actually had a pretty nice time. I realized that if circumstances were different, we may have even had a friendship.

X has breast cancer. I found out yesterday. I feel so awful and guilty because I used to have horrible, horrible thoughts about the woman. Like wishing she would disappear. Wishing she would meet some guy and run away forever. Wanting to plant drugs in her house so she would go to jail. (I don’t know if I can even type the next one…) Hoping that she would die in a plane crash. My life would be SO much easier if she didn’t exist. That is how I felt daily when I first got engaged to TW. To the point that I wished I had known what a bitch she was because I would have rethought the whole marriage/stepmom thing.

But as I say, things have really gotten better.

I saw X this morning at an event for the girls. TW told me last night that she has cancer (she told him), but being a GUY, he really didn’t know what to say to her. So I talked to her about what was going on, what her prognosis is, what her treatment plan is. She puts on a pretty good public face. She just found out on Wednesday. I was tearing up and then she started too. I gave her a big hug. I told her that if she needed ANYTHING, I would be there for her. Her family is far away, and she isn’t seeing anyone. Her only friends are work friends. She doesn’t have a good support network.

I just feel awful. I hope she makes it out alright. I know that women survive breast cancer all the time now, but it is so SCARY. And I worry about PT if her mom gets really sick. They are so attached to each other, a bond that I have always been really jealous of. And one that I know I won’t be able to replicate if something happens to X. I wonder what our lives will be like, if X dies and PT lives with us full time. I wonder if I will be able to handle it. I wish I could look into the future right now.

Happy Valentine’s Day

I actually got flowers – last night. TW went to the grocery to pick up milk and came back with a little pot with a baby rose plant in it. It was sweet, I don’t think I have gotten flowers for valentine’s day from him before! Of course C at work got flowers as a surprise this morning at home and then she got two dozen roses delivered today! That girl gets flowers once a month or more – I kid you not. She is married to her highschool sweet heart, they have been together since they were 15 and they are now 25…they are too cute it makes me want to throw up.

Today I hosted a big event at work, and I am absolutely exhausted. The visitors are here for half the day tomorrow as well, and can I tell you that I have never been so happy to have a three day weekend. Although, next week I have to do it all again as we have another event on Thursday/Friday (and it may rain to make things even more interesting!). In any event, on my way home from work, I decided to pop into the grocery to pick up some surprises for TW and PT. I got Valentine’s cards, heart sugar cookies in pink and purple and their favorite sushi. I brought everything home and told PT that all I asked was to have two pieces of her sushi (out of the 12 in the tray). Well, about 15 minutes later I look at her and she is scarfing down the last piece of sushi. I was livid!!! Did I have the right to be livid? I asked her why she didn’t save me any and she said she forgot. TW rushed to her defense and said no one is perfect, and that we all forget things. I am sorry but I don’t forget things! Truly, Truly, I don’t forget things. Ever. I almost started crying…I feel so forgotten so often!

Then I felt like a total bitch because PT is sick. She didn’t say anything, but she sounded congested and she kept asking if she could go to bed (which is HIGHLY unusual because she usually fights to stay up as late as we will let her). I thought she was trying to avoid studying and doing homework, but I finally broke out the digital thermometer (actually, my BBT thermometer that I don’t use anymore) and she has a fever of 102.7!!

Anyway, I guess the good news is that TW was able to deliver his back-up sperm sample without a hitch today. The IVF clinic called to tell me they got two vials and everything looks good. That made me breathe a little easier because I know TW won’t be around for my procedures. I lined up a good friend instead. And PT is with her mom. So I will take a couple of days off, read trashy mags and gab with my friend, watch episodes of My So Called Life, and movies from the DVR like Never Been Kissed, Lucky 7 (A favorite Lifetime Movie), and Overboard – that classic with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.

My last BCP is tonight — continue Lupron through trigger the week of 3/2. I start stimming on 2/22 as long as everything looks good at baseline on 2/20.

Follie Report Part Deux and Emotional Upheaval (Updated)

 ***UPDATED **

It is very strange. In some ways I feel totally normal. Like I can’t tell that I have all these weird hormones coursing through my body. I have barely any physical symptoms, none of the ones I was warned about. But my temper. And my tears. I am on a very short fuse. VERY.SHORT. Last night I brought some cookies home that one of my co-workers had made. I had tasted one earlier in the day and didn’t really care for it, but brought some home for TW and PT in case they would like them. I brought 4 cookies home. I served up dinner, and afterwards I asked them if they wanted a cookie. They both said they did, so I got up and brought one back for each of them. They gobbled them up. Then PT asked TW if he wanted another one. So she went into the kitchen and brought one back for each of them. Mind you, I had no desire to eat one of the cookies. But I said, “How many are left” (knowing full well that there weren’t any left). Both PT and TW immediately offered me their cookie, and I started to cry. I told them I didn’t want the cookie, which was true. But I was crying like a baby. I wanted them to offer me a cookie before they took the last two. This is common courtesy, right? Especially after I brought the cookies home in the first place. But crying about it instead of telling them how I feel? I am acting like a baby. And I know it. But I can’t help it. Then to make things worse, I got up to take their dishes to the kitchen, and TW grabbed my sweats and pants-ed me. He does this ALL THE TIME, and I usually just pull them up and walk away. It bugs me but he thinks it is hilarious. He has done this about a thousand times since I have known him. This was NOT the right night to do this. I turned into Linda Blair in the exorcist. I think my head spun around 5 times and I am surprised I didn’t projectile vomit all over him. But I screamed. SCREAMED. “DON’T FUCKING DO THAT TO ME!!!!! IT IS SO DISRESPECTFUL!!! DON’T FUCKING DO IT!!!” I was hysterical. I couldn’t stop crying. I was sobbing and could barely breathe. I ran into my room and belly flopped on the bed, and buried my head in the pillows. Amazingly, TW chased after me. He crawled on the bed and took the pillows off my head, and covered my face in kisses. He said he was sorry and said he wouldn’t bug me anymore. He apologized that they took the cookies without asking if I wanted one. He told me to come back to the family room when I felt better. And after 10 minutes I did. I had let it all out. And I felt better.

Had another u/s this morning. Dr. P was there, he seemed like he was in a good mood. The nurse who told me it was impossible to have a cyst on Lup.ron was there too…I had to bite my tongue from explaining that one CAN have a cyst on Lu.pron according to the doctor! I just let it go.

Here is the follie report: Right ovary – 18mm, 18mm, 17mm, 13. Left ovary – 17mm, 16mm, 13mm, 11mm. The left is a little slow on the uptake, huh? But, it is what it is. They gave me one more shot of Folli.stim (225 units) this morning, and sent me back to the crazy pharmacy to pick up one more 300 IU vial just in case I need it (or to return to the clinic, since I ‘borrowed’ some of theirs this morning). I feel like I am bleeding money! But as long as that is the only thing I am bleeding, I can handle it. E2 report will be coming in a few hours. They think I will trigger tonight or tomorrow night. Retrieval will be on Thursday or Friday – I am FREAKING out! I decided to take all of next week off (well the 3 days I would have normally worked)…then we have Thanksgiving on Thursday/Friday. God, I am so nervous.

**UPDATE**. My E2 was 1264 and I got an e-mail that my stimming is over. Yahoo! I am to take 10,000 units of HcG tonight at 11:30 PST exactly. My egg retrieval will be at 11am on Thursday!

The pharmacy I go to is worse than the post office. There are about 10 people working like bees behind the scenes, and only one girl at the register. Every time I go, they say that they are “getting my stuff ready”.  How hard is it to get a box of Folli.stim ready? It isn’t like they have to do anything…no counting of pills, or measuring anything. But whatever. It is what it is. This is my new motto: IT IS WHAT IT IS.

So, I plunked down on the chair, waiting for them to get whatever ready that they needed to get ready. I picked up my book: “Happiness Sold Separately” (I am a couple of books behind on the Barren Bitches Book Brigade). I was reading a particularly poignant passage where the main character was reflecting on how she treated her husband during fertility treatments, and whether she had driven him to have an affair…she was describing the way her marriage had deteriorated before her eyes. I felt so fearful, like it was happening to my marriage before my eyes. And if it does happen, it would be mostly my fault. I know it, and I want to stop it, but I can’t. Well, I hope I can. Maybe I can? I was on the brink of tears. And then a mom came and sat down next to me with her adorable two year old. They had to wait for the pharmacy to get their stuff ready too. So she asked the little boy if he wanted to read a book, and he said he did. So she pulled a copy of Thomas the Train out of her bag and started reading it out loud to him. I could see the little boy in profile, he had creamy skin that I just wanted to touch. And his eyelashes were longer than any that I have ever seen. And he had that little soft baby voice. My heart just melted. And the mom came to a passage where Thomas served tea and cupcakes to his friends. And the little boy said, “I love tea and cupcakes” in his tiny voice. It was too much for me. My eyes sprang a leak and I had to exit stage right to compose myself.

Please let me be a mom. Please.

Debriefing Halloween & Other Stuff

Ack, PT is watching a horrible movie. I was watching with her but just couldn’t take it anymore. “She’s the Man”. Don’t see it. Luckily the computer is 5 feet away from the TV in this tiny house we are living in, so I can work on this without completely abandoning PT.

Two nights ago I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital at 2am. I woke up with a horrible side pain on my lower left side, like on my ovary. I didn’t think it was the Lu.pron since it is a suppressor, but I wasn’t sure. I tried to Dr. Google it at 3am and although all the side effects listed on various sites said, “Pain” there was very little information on what kind of pain. Doesn’t the word “pain” seem a little vague??? What kind of pain? Anyway, I ended up calling the nurse on call at 5am and she told me to take some advil and try to go back to sleep. She said if the pain was still there at 7:30am when they open, that I should come in for an ultrasound. Well, the pain did go away after the advil and hasn’t been back since. Maybe it was something to do with my period, but it felt really weird, almost like really strong O pain. Who knows. I am worried that there is something wrong going on with my girlie parts. I guess I will find out on Friday (tomorrow).

I picked up 5 bags of candy on the way to work yesterday (Halloween), to get into the spirit. We had a huge bowl of candy on the front desk, and I was really good up until about 10 minutes to 5, when I scarfed down 3 mini reese’s PBCs and 3 mini Hershey’s bars (did you know they make them with cashews now??).

Anyway, C came to work dressed up as a bee. The costume was adorable. She wore black clothes and had an antenna headband and wings and a little stinger pinned to her butt. At the end of the day she offered me the costume b/c she knew I was going Trick or Treating with PT and her friend. I was on the fence about actually going Trick or Treating or staying home and handing out candy. I ended up choosing going out because I hate the going back and forth to the door thing…with the doggie freaking out each time there is a knock on the door, etc.

I got home from work and TW was carving pumpkins with PT and her friend M. I have to say, my heart swells with love and pride when I watch TW interacting with PT and her friends. He really, truly, is the best father. He is funny and caring and attentive….our baby is going to be SO lucky. Anyway, they were just finishing up carving when I walked in the door, and then the girls got ready. I put on the bee costume, PT was dressed as a fairy, and M was Spider Woman. We left right as it got dark and walked the streets for about an hour and a half. Apparently going out with the kids is the dad’s job! Every group of kids was accompanied by the dads, and none of them were dressed up. At one point I was waiting for the girls at the base of a driveway and there was a group of 3 dads waiting for their kids (they were all drinking beers!), and none of them had costumes on. I smiled and looked at them and said, “Guess I didn’t get the memo!” and they just looked at me cross-eyed. Sometimes I hate my neighborhood, everyone is so clique-y and snooty!

Yes, it is hard to be an IFer and go out for Halloween. But at the same time, I like seeing all the cute kids dressed up and having so much fun. PT and M got about 11 pounds of candy each – I kid you not. And I think I ate about 5 pounds myself. I feel like such a lard-ass. I don’t think the lup.ron is helping in that regard either. I feel so bloated all the time!

TW left on a trip this morning and won’t be back until late tomorrow night. He is going to miss my base-line ultrasound tomorrow. I hope things go well…I don’t really know what they are looking for, but my instructions say if the u/s looks good, I will start Folli.stim tomorrow. I will also start baby aspirin, and TW will start his doxy.cycline (I packed two pills for him to bring with him). I have to write the BIG check tomorrow too, for 4 cycles of IVF. We want to lock in the price for a 38 year old with an FSH level below 10….I am 38 and a half now, and if the first cycle doesn’t work and I am 39 when we try the 2nd, the prices get jacked up.

Went to acupuncture today. She is so positive, I just love her. She is very hopeful for us. She keeps saying she KNOWS that IVF will work for us. She doesn’t know if it will work the very first time, but she “knows” it will work. God, I hope she is right.

Oh — two nights ago we got Chinese food and my fortune said, “No obstacles will stand in the way of your success this month”. Seeing as it was just two days before the end of October, I am going to assume that it applies to November. I kissed the fortune (yes, literally kissed it!) and put it in my wallet for good luck. I guess I am back to my superstitious self!

Busy Weekend

I had a pretty busy weekend, for a weekend that we had nothing planned since we were supposed to be up in the Mountains!

PT had a soccer game on Saturday morning. Since we were supposed to be heading out of town, she did not bring her soccer gear to our place. So we called X to ask if she could bring the jersey, shorts, socks, cleats and shin guards, etc. X is a “coach”. I put that in quotes because she is basically more of a cheerleader, she has never played soccer in her life and doesn’t even know the rules. She just jumps up and down and yells a lot. Anyway, we show up to the game – you would think X would be happy since we weren’t going to be there. Well, X only brought the shorts and jersey, not the cleats or shin guards. Then she went off on me totally within ear-shot, like it was all my fault. Poor TW had to drive all the way home (30 minutes) to pick up the stuff. Since X was going to bring everything, we figured she would bring EVERYTHING. It is just like everything else with X – nothing is ever simple. Anyway, once we got that all squared away, PT ended up scoring TWO goals  and her team won 3-1! It was very exciting. But I was really pissed that some how I was blamed for X’s own inability to be normal. Plus I never even spoke to her about the soccer gear. It was between TW and X. WHATEVER. But then at the end of the game, X came running up to me and was chatting with me like we were old friends. I think she has borderline personality disorder or something. She is a freak.

That afternoon I ditched TW and PT and went and had my nails done with two girlfriends. It was nice to get out and see J1 and A after a pretty long while. J1’s sister is the one that just adopted the baby. After our nails, we went to see the baby. He is too cute for words. Just so perfect! When A held him for the first time, she burst into tears. I was surprised I didn’t do the same thing. J1 is definitely sandwiched between the two generations. Her sister has a week old baby and her dad is suffering with severe Parkinsons/dementia and just had a heart attack two weeks ago. He needs constant care. What a tough situation.

That evening we told PT that she could choose anywhere she wanted to go for dinner. We went to California Pizza Kitchen (of course) and then Cold Stone afterwards. OMG I was so full I thought I would burst. It isn’t helping that the BCP is making me feel like a fat pig (with acne, mind you!). But my coldstone was amazing: Sweet Cream ice cream with heath bars and roasted almonds. YUMMY.

Sunday I blew off puppy class. I had already told the teacher I wouldn’t be there because we were going to be out of town. So I blew it off. It was PT’s 12th birthday on the 5th, so I told her I would take her shopping. J1 and A came with us. We went to the mall and had a nice lunch at Nordstrom’s Cafe and PT picked out some cute clothes. Speaking of cute clothes: the first thing I saw was this orange coat….the same exact coat as I bought last year in red. But I have had this hankering for an orange coat for a year — and now they make it in that color. And it was on sale for $60. So I bought it! They didn’t have it in my size, but Nordstrom will ship for free if you pay for it at the store, so a different store is shipping it. And then — I saw the cream colored one. And I bought that one too. Now I have three of the same coat. One red, one cream, one orange (will arrive in a week). Am I a whack job, or what? Here is the coat. This picture doesn’t do it justice because the lining is this really cool pattern that adds a lot to the design!

I don’t know what is wrong with me. PT can be perfectly sweet, and she bugs me. Not all the time, but there are days I just can’t tolerate anything she does. The way she talks, the way she eats, what she orders at a restaurant, how she holds her fork. I keep telling myself it is part of being a step-mom when I want my own child so badly. I feel terribly guilty when I get these bad feelings towards her. Sweet Christmas, she is 12 years old and behaving better than most 12 year olds that I have met! So what the heck is wrong with me? I need to be more conscious of this, it really isn’t fair to PT. When I married TW, I promised to take good care of her, and I really do my best. But some days it is really hard. Some days I feel selfish and wish she wasn’t around. Ugh. I feel SO guilty saying that.

I had acupuncture today, it was a quick appointment. K was running 10 minutes late and then for some reason we started blathering and by the time she put the needles in, I only had 20 minutes. She assures me that it is enough time. I have to watch it with the chatting, I can get super chatty (can you tell)?

I called the pharmacy and my meds are ready, I am going to pick them up tomorrow. I asked for the total amount: $1999.70. YIKES. However, the protocol said between $2000 and $4000 per cycle. Guess I was on the bottom range…that is a nice surprise! I am so ready to get going on this.

 

 

 

A Day In The Life.

P.S. I am sitting at my home office, and construction is going on all around me. Jack-hammers and chain saws in my ears. There is a bright green porta-potty in my front yard. No sentiments, they are just tearing the place down around me. *whimper*. Not really. We have been waiting for this moment for TWO YEARS. I can’t believe it is finally happening!

Yesterday I took Sutter to the dog park. It amazes me how often there are opportunities to talk about IF, and the question is — should I say something or not? The characters in the story will be identified by the dog’s names. I have been going to this dog park 4-5 times a week for the last 6 months, so I have made some friends…we haven’t done anything outside of hanging out at the dog park, but I am always happy to see them when I am there (plus Sutter loves the dogs!)

First, I was talking to Marlo’s mom about random things. Mostly about our puppies and what freaks they are at 8 months. Sutter and Marlo have been in puppy school since they were 10 weeks old. I think they are in love with each other.  So I have gotten to know Marlo’s mom and dad pretty well over the last few months. I mentioned that TW was out of town, and so I was going to pick up sushi to take home with me (TW isn’t a sushi fan like I am). Marlo’s mom said, “I love sushi!” and then immediately, “but I can’t eat it right now”. OMG. Is she pregnant??? The expression on her face after she blurted it out was one of a little surprise…like she shouldn’t have said it. I glanced at her tummy – flat as ever. Maybe she just found out? I was burning to say something but kept it to myself. I am still dying to ask her, but don’t know if I should. The moment has passed. She has been married just over a year….that’s it. I of course assume that they decided to start trying and got pregnant the first month. According to my RE at the IVF clinic, that is how it happens for 1 out of every 4 couples!!!

Later, I was talking to Marlo’s mom and Maddie’s mom. They have both met PT several times. Maddie’s mom commented on how tall PT is. This question, although very innocent, always gets to me. Because PT is taller than I am, and she is only 11 years old. I am 5 foot 2 on a good day. PT’s mother is almost 6 feet tall! People always comment on PT’s height, and then I have to tell them, well, her MOTHER is tall. And then inevitably the next set of questions is: OH! How long were TW and X married? And “Isn’t it hard being a step-mom?” And “Isn’t it hard on PT to go back and forth between houses?” BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. I should tape record my answers and play them back. It is always the exact same thing. *SIGH*.

Marlo and Maddie’s moms know that PT is my step-daughter so it wasn’t that big a deal when Maddie’s mom commented on PT’s height. I told her that X is super tall and then she asked me all sorts of questions – do I get along with X, does TW get along with X, etc. And then. The. Next. Inevitable. Question.

“Don’t you want kids of your own?????”

Fuck. I HATE this. I usually just say, “We are talking about it”, or something like that. Maddie’s mom is a single 34 year old, looking for a husband (or boyfriend for that matter)…so I am sure she has her own struggles. For all I know she looks at my life – house in a nice town, step-daughter, dog, cute husband, etc. – and is envious of me! Everything is relative, right? In any event, I answered the question with: “We are working on it but it isn’t happening”. She hesitated and said, “OH! Well….sorry…..” I told her not to worry about it. WHY do people think asking if I want kids is an appropriate question if they don’t want the real answer? I felt like I should elaborate, so I said, “You know, we have been married 5 years and we wanted to wait a little while, but now I am getting old and things aren’t happening as quickly as we would like”. Then Maddie’s mom and Marlo’s mom both asked me how old I was, and said I look so young, and blah, blah, blah. At that moment two guys came and sat at our table so we changed the subject abruptly. Maddie’s mom was occupied talking to the men, and Marlo’s mom leaned over to me and said, “There is this great book…do you mind talking about this?” and I told her it was fine. So she said, “There is this great book called Taking Charge of Your Fertility…”. OMG. I almost started laughing out loud!!! I told her I have it, that I have practically memorized it, and that I am addicted to taking my BBT. She looked a little embarrassed and was quiet. I then leaned over to her and said, “We have tried everything, we are going to do IVF”. Something about the conversation seemed to tell me she isn’t pregnant yet. Maybe she is trying and isn’t eating sushi just to be precautious…maybe she is just in her 2ww. Do people buy the TCOYF book if they have JUST started? My gut tells me it is usually after a few months of trying without luck.

Later, Jake’s mom and and dad showed up at the dog park. They are in their early 40s. I was chatting with them, small talk, and then mentioned that my house was about to be demo’d for a remodel. Jake’s dad asked me what we were doing to the house, and I told him we were making a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house into a 4 bedroom 3 bathroom. Guess what he said: “You only have one kid, right”? I said, “Yes”. And he said, “What, are you planning to have two or three more kids?” WHY?!?!? Why does everyone always go straight to these questions? So I said, “Actually we are planning to have 10 more kids and then we are going to call Extreme Home Makeover.”

Mind you, these three interactions were all within my one hour stint at the dog park last night. I want to put a stamp on my forehead that says, “Please don’t ask me about kids unless you want the gory details”.

Rough Start to the Day…

First of all, Happy Conception Day everyone! Remember to stay home from work today and procreate.

Ack. What a rough day already. I went to Starbucks as usual, and who should drive up, but X and PT. To MY Starbucks. First of all, I have to comment that I offered to pick up PT from X’s work in the morning (X is a 2nd grade teacher now) and drive PT to school so that she wouldn’t have to get to school too early. This would mean I would drive 10 miles to pick up PT and, and then 10 miles back to her school. You can drop the kids off as early as 8am but 8:15am the playground opens. If they get there before 8am, there is no adult supervision and I don’t like the idea. I was thinking that X must have to be at work at about the same time that PT needs to be at school, so this offer was to ensure that PT doesn’t get to school too early. Anyway, X said it was not a problem, she had plenty of time to get PT to school and then get to work on time. But today I saw them at the Starbucks one block from PTs school – it was only 7:25am. Meaning, PT is being dropped off at 7:30am. I know that X just didn’t want me to have any extra time with PT. She is so freaking selfish — it would allow PT to sleep in a little, it would be more convenient for X (her work is 1/2 way between PTs school and their house). And I was offering to be late to my work every day that I did this. Whatever. I was just trying to help.

Anyway, you should have seen the scene X made. I was pretty mortified. They did say good morning but it was very curt, like we were just distant acquaintances. PT smiled at me and said hi, but her mom had her in a death grip. Both of X’s arms were around PT’s shoulders, and she was squeezing and hugging and kissing her. Then she forced PT to turn so her back was facing me. I was standing in line a little behind them. There were other mom’s from PT’s school there. It really sucked. X always puts on this kind of show in front of other people. The other mom’s were looking at my with pity in their eyes…I was completely embarrassed. When X got her coffee, they marched out without saying goodbye.

I have been fucking raising this girl since she was 4 years old. And to be treated like I am a stranger really stinks. I called TW when I got in the car, and I was just bawling. I am sure that I am also being hyper sensitive with all my TTC issues, it is just really hard to be a step-mom when I am obsessed with TTC. This sucks, sucks, sucks.

On another note, I got a huge binder from Dr. Z’s office along with a packet of financial information. IVF IS EXPENSIVE, PEOPLE! They have some financial plans, but there are so many things that are extra, like ICSI and all the meds. I was flipping through the binder and reading the description of all the meds, and the needles and the instructions for taking each thing, and my heart started racing, and I started to cry! What is wrong with me?!?! It scares the shit out of me. I am so overwhelmed. Did others feel this way right before they started their first IVF cycle? I haven’t even picked a clinic yet and I am paralized with fear.

Please go over and say hi to Amy — she got great news yesterday! She saw Dr. Z as well, and her first IVF cycle stuck! Makes me lean towards Dr. Z, but I need to consult with the N Clinic before making a decision.