The Three Hour Wait (14dp1dt)

I am sad I posted such a negative post yesterday. Now I am not feeling negative, I am not feeling positive, I am just ANXIOUS and on PINS AND NEEDLES!  I just want to know, either way, so I can go on with my life. They took my blood at 8:30 (Pacific time) this morning and I should get a call by Noon-1pm. I will post immediately when I find out!

I had a HUGE distraction the last two days. TW’s sister e-mailed him basically telling us that her daughter (almost 18, stripper type dangly belly-ring, tattoo “whore stamp”, tons of make-up, HUGE boobs that she shows off every minute of every day, smokes pot, gets drunk, hangs out with gangsters) is MOVING IN WITH US for two years. WTF? She didn’t ask us, she just TOLD us. Oh – and she didn’t tell ME, she only told TW. I went so ballistic, I am surprised that China didn’t think there was another earthquake! TW is so non-confrontational, he didn’t know what to do. I was so scared he was going to cave. SIL even had the gall to tell him that if he didn’t agree to it, HE was ruining their relationship forever. She tried to convince us that the daughter “is a good girl”, evidenced by the fact that she always comes home by her 1am curfew. I am sorry but a 1am curfew would not work with our lifestyle! And do I want to share my brand new house the minute we move in? I THINK NOT. There are so many things wrong with this scenario that I don’t even know where to start, or how to end.

Supposedly (SIL is a big liar) they are in financial trouble and they want TW’s niece to move in with us to go to junior college by our house. So that they don’t have to support her. WTF!!! If this was truly the case, and they had half a brain, they would have called a family meeting to plead their case. And we would have had time to think about it, and they would have understood whether we said “yes” or “no”. But this is not how it played out. They just did it via e-mail. The e-mail basically had a move-in date, the date of her JC orientation, and the first day of class. We were totally blind sided. Then SIL had the nerve to say, “OH! I thought this was already all worked out!” when TW said it was the first he heard of it. In any event, TW stood his ground. And SIL tried to manipulate him and guilt him and play every trick in the book. TW called his dad, and luckily his dad was totally on my side and told TW that he should not do it. And he didn’t cave (most likely because I told him I would hire a divorce lawyer if the little b**** moved in with us!). If she is so great, why doesn’t SIL want her around anymore? Anyway, I really didn’t need this stress during my 2WW. But it sure did take my mind off the impending beta! And if you ask me, ruining the relationship between us and SIL is an added bonus.

11dp1dt

My boobs aren’t even the bit sore anymore. And all the veins that I saw (or may have seen) are gone. Hope is slipping away…

Last night at the grocery store, I found a bottle of non-alcoholic sparkling wine. Yeah. It tasted as gross as it sounds. I dumped the whole thing down the drain after a glass. I would rather go without!

10dp1dt

I have never tested at home after IVF. I am SO tempted, but I am not going to do it. I just think it is a bad idea. I don’t trust those pee sticks as far as I can throw them. I have lasted this long…I can do it, right? Anyway, I gave away all my pee sticks to my acupuncturist, so I would have to go out and buy some. Which I am NOT going to do. TW is so convinced I am preggo, it is hard not to believe him. Yesterday we went next door to check out the progress on the house, and we went into the little room that will be the nursery (should we ever need one). It is going to be painted this really nice, warm, buttery yellow color called “Full Sun”. I figured that it is a pretty gender neutral color, and we can accent it with blue or pink, and if it ends up not being a nursery, it will still be a really nice color…ANYWAY, TW kept saying that the nursery will be nice, but that the “babies” will sleep with us in our room (he thinks I am going to have twins). I think that his enthusiasm is sweet and it is hard not to get caught up in it…but I also know that there is a very good chance that this IVF didn’t work. I am trying to just take it one day at a time. It is so hard. Of course, TW isn’t even going to be in town on the 9th – beta day. He wasn’t here for ER, ET and now he won’t be here on beta day. How convenient!

I keep staring at my chest. I lift up my shirt and stare in the mirror, looking for signs that my boobs are changing. I don’t even know if this would happen so early…I am being really silly. My chest seems more vein-y to me…but I could just be imagining it. I noticed two big veins on my chest, not on my boobs but on my chest area below my collar bone, running towards my boob. And there is also a little purple vein on my left boobie that hasn’t been there before. My boobs are SUPER sore, but I know that all of this could be part of the progesterone supplements. Ugh. I wish I didn’t even write about it b/c it sounds SO ridiculous when I reread this paragraph.

I just need to distract myself. Easier said than done! The good news is that the landscaper, after I spoke with him, agreed to do the whole front of the house, plus grading and drainage around the whole property — following our landscape plans — for the price we wanted!!! I am SO thrilled. We are going to do the backyard next year, but the front of the house is going to be GORGEOUS. He wants me to draw up a proposal detailing everything that will be included and we are all going to sign it on Monday. He started today with a huge Bob.Cat. If nothing else, I am going to be living in my DREAM house in less than 2 months.

I am watching the WORST movie right now, on TV. It is called “The Breed” – it is a Wes Craven flick. It is about a pack of genetically altered wild dogs that terrorize a group of college kids that come to this island getaway for the weekend. It is such a bad movie. The dogs are all German Shepherd looking, and some maybe Belgian Malinois. The scary part: My Sutter looks just like these crazy rabid dogs! I was at the park today and this lady was there with her little Sheltie. She took one look at my dog, and basically said he was scary looking and left. Hmmmph. I think my dog is beautiful. Maybe he does look a little satanic but I love him. You be the judge. The first one was the week I got him. The second one is how he looks now.

Three more days and a wake up, and I will have the answer. Fingers crossed.

6dp1dt

I got my first moving violation today. PT was with me in the car. When I said “moving violation” she got all concerned like it was a SUPER serious thing, like I was going to go to jail. Amazingly, I wasn’t chatting on my cell phone for the first time ever (the new law goes into effect today). But I did roll through a stop sign. We were on our way to pick up Sutter Puppy from the vet. He spent the night — SO SAD. I tried to use it as an excuse, when the cop asked me why I went through the stop sign, I said I was very concerned for my dog, and we were on our way to get him from the vet. I thought he would give me a warning but unfortunately I got a ticket. On-line traffic school – HERE I COME!

Yesterday TW and I were on our way to play ball with the dog. The dog started licking his chops and making this really funny face…I just knew he was going to barf. Then his stomach started doing that ‘pumping’ thing that dogs do. I yelled, “PULL OVER” but TW is so slow on the uptake, he didn’t pull over and the dog barfed all over the seat of the car. So we turned around and I cleaned up the mess…and we tried one more time. You know dogs…they barf and then they act like nothing happened — and it is even a bigger bonus if they get to eat it (GROSS, I KNOW). Anyway, I cleaned up and we tried one more time. De ja vue. The dog did the exact same thing, and I yelled “PULL OVER!” again – TW failed to respond and the dog barfed all over the carpet in the car. WHAT IS WRONG WITH TW??? We got into a huge argument about it. He said that we couldn’t pull over because it is the bike lane and we can’t park there. We weren’t parking there, we were going to let our sick dog out of the car to barf outside. Anyway, there is no arguing with TW. We took him to the vet and the puppy ended up staying the night. $500 later he is home with a bottle of “Pepcid”. WOO HOO!

I am not even going to comment on symptoms…who knows if I have them or not. TW keeps telling me to stay positive for “the babies”. He is SO convinced that I am pregnant it is actually quite sweet. I wish his confidence would rub off on me. Two ladies on my IVF board heard today that their cycles failed. It really sucks donkey balls. We need some good news, people!

5dp1dt

The 2WW is interminable, isn’t it? ALL I can think about is…what is happening down there. Is this or that a sign? Are the progesterone suppositories playing tricks on me (YES THEY ARE!). I am only 5 days post transfer and since mine was a one day transfer I am two days behind. I probably shouldn’t feel anything yet, and if I do, it is all in my head. My boobs are so sore it is crazy, but I always get this way after I start my supplements, and both times I had sore boobs during IVFs I got a BFN. So know it is nothing to get excited about.

I watched two movies this weekend: Juno and Knocked Up. Hmmm, notice a theme?

I joined Facebook. I didn’t think I would ever do Facebook or MySpace, but my friend J asked me to join so we could play scrabble on line. FUN! And I found all sorts of people from college and highschool and other eras of my life. I could surf around FB all day. There are some silly things which I find just amusing but it is really cool to see what people are up to. Of course, inevitably I have found MANY people from highschool have pictures of their kids on their profiles and it stings a little. Everyone is ahead of me.

Yesterday our new next door neighbor had a wine tasting party. We were happy and flattered to be invited so I went and got a nice potted plant to bring and I had been looking forward to it for days. It was supposed to start at 4pm and I hate being the first people there, so I thought we would go about 15 minutes late. Well…that was a bad idea because they were actually starting right at 4pm. The neighbor actually called us to see if we had forgotten! How embarrassing. So I sent TW running over there and I just had to throw some shoes on and put on some lipstick. When I walked over, I said I got “stuck in traffic” which got a huge laugh since we literally live next door. But when I was walking up the driveway, I saw this car with a sign on the side that said, “Wines at Home” or something like that. OH GOD. TW was going to kill me. It was not just a friendly wine tasting…it was a wine SELLING/BUYING party.

This always really pisses me off. I find it completely sneaky and deceitful. The invitation we got (phone message) said that the neighbors wanted to get to know us better and introduce us to some of their friends. He said that their friend is an artisan wine buyer and that we would get to taste some unusual wines. I love that kind of shit (although I knew I wouldn’t be partaking this time around), and thought TW would enjoy it too (even though he isn’t as much of a wine lover as I am). So we happily accepted the invitation.

It turned out to be just like a Tupperware or Avon or Pampered Chef party, except the products were wine, wine glasses, wine accessories and gifts. There were 6 wines to try (while I was sipping water) and there was high pressure to buy. Like, “If you purchase a case today, you will get free shipping!” or “If you join our wine club, you will get an extra bottle the first month!”. And she wanted us all to sign up to do a wine tasting party in our own homes. The “host” came to the house for $60, and brought the wine and glasses, while our neighbor provided the appetizers and invited the people. The wine chick was so loud and obnoxious, told horrible jokes, and was in our face. And poor TW is pretty reserved. And for some reason she was picking on him and he was just shrinking in his chair. And she kept coming up to him with food and trying to make him eat it while tasting the wine, calling him out, asking him questions — he had daggers in his eyes every time I looked at him. She was really aggressive. TW only liked (and when I say “like” it is pretty generous) one of the wines. The woman did manage to sell a few bottles to other people, but the whole experience was extremely annoying and disappointing. TW and I had a good laugh when we dumped all of her marketing material in the recycling bin once we got home. If you are going to hold one of these events — be honest. We felt completely duped. Here I was thinking that the neighbors wanted to get to know us, but it wasn’t like that at all. That sucks.

2dp1dt

The progesterone supplements are already kicking my ass. My boobs got sore about 10 minutes after I put the first one in…I guess that is a good sign, that the meds are quickly absorbed. I got up to pee at least 8 times last night – no exaggeration.

My friend convinced me to start a Facebook page, something I have resisted forever. Boy is that stuff addictive. I found all sorts of people I haven’t thought of in a long time. I ended up playing on-line scrabble with this boy from highschool! Of course, I got another SURPRISE baby announcement…this girl I went to grad school with (we graduated in 1998 and lost touch a few years ago, but she came to my wedding in 2002) has her page up there with picture of her new baby, born last month. Last time I saw her two years ago she was completely single! How do these things happen so quickly – TO OTHER PEOPLE?

When I saw the page and the pictures of the baby, I completely burst into tears. TW is back (he got back late last night) and he reprimanded me. He said, ‘YOU are pregnant now. If you are depressed, your babies can feel it. You have to be positive for your babies’. It actually made me snap out of it. Last night when he got back he talked to the embryos and rubbed my tummy. 🙂

I cannot believe I am only two days into the 2WW. I took the day off today, I was going to work from home but decided to screw it. TW is home and we are going to have a nice 3-day weekend (without PT who is at overnight camp until Tuesday). Really looking forward to it.

Hope and Despair…vacillating endlessly

At the end of 9dp3dt

Gawd. I literally am hopeful for five minutes then doubtful the next. I have visions of calling my parents with good news, which get overpowered by images of burying myself under the blankets for days on end in tears. I picture myself telling my brother the good news over Christmas, he toasting me with champagne while I sip a non-alcoholic beverage. Then I envision partying (aka drowning my sorrows) with my friend M when we go up to the mountains for a few days after Christmas. I am imagining the “congratulations” phone call from the IVF clinic. Then I picture myself trying to hold myself together on Friday afternoon when they tell me my beta was undetectable. I have plans on Friday night. I feel like I should cancel them just in case I get bad news…I won’t be any shape to see anyone. Or should I leave the plans in place in case I am over the moon with joy! I have never felt so much like a someone with multiple personality disorder. Call me Sybil.

I keep checking my bo.obs – they are sore, but they look just the same…and I know that progesterone supplements make my boo.bs sore.

I have had a headache for two days. Symptom of pregnancy? Or just symptom of stress?

Today I had this weird half nauseous/half hungry feeling for hours. Like I felt really hungry, and my tummy was growling, but my mouth was salivating too much and I felt kind of sick. And I felt starving all day.

I got up to pee twice two nights in a row. Once at around midnight, the next time at around 4am. Then I had to pee when I actually got up at 6am. I am peeing about every hour during the day, and my bladder feels like it is going to burst each time! But am I drinking more water than usual? I don’t know!

I have had a few weird crampy feelings in my stomach and some twinges in my ovaries off and on. Are these in my head?

I spotted a tiny bit yesterday, but it stopped. Is this a sign of implantation? (Could that be right? at 8dp3dt?) Or is it my yeast infection or irritation from the suppositories?

What I don’t have: sensitivity to smells, being over heated, being super tired, dark nip.ples, veins in my chest.

I know that some women don’t get symptoms until 4-6 weeks. I know that these “symptoms” I do have could just be completely in my head. It is probably too early. I am over analyzing every little thing.

One thing I do know. I am NOT going to POAS.

What a complete mind fuck. This is the most torture I have ever put myself through. Voluntarily. $26,000 worth of voluntary. Sometimes I think: WHAT WAS I THINKING.

What am I going to do if I get a negative beta?

What am I going to do if I get a positive one!

My new friend

8dp3dt

My new friend “C” was really nice. Her story was pretty amazing. She married a guy 15 years her senior when she was 25. When she was about 30 they started TTC, but nothing happened. Her husband has three kids from a prior marriage (they were in grade school when they got married) so they were completely surprised when the RE told them that sperm motility was the issue. They went straight to IVF. The first cycle, they got 7 eggs (just like me) and put two in. They froze two and the other three didn’t make it. She got pregnant the first time! Surprisingly her low beta numbers turned out to be twins. She carried the twins to term, but one of them died three days after he was born. So sad. I wasn’t really sure what the complication was. She said something about the baby’s penis having retained some fluid and getting an infection, but I didn’t really understand what happened….I didn’t want to ask questions, she was getting teary talking about it. But her other baby thrived and is now in 2nd grade.

After the trauma of losing a baby, her husband was completely against embryo transfers of more than one embryo. He was just too scared of having multiples. So they did FIVE more IVFs, transferring one embryo only. None of them stuck. For the last attempt, they put two embryos in, and she has her 4 year old son.

When we were having coffee at the Starbucks, this other woman walked in that I recognized, but didn’t know. She was also a mom at PT’s school. C knows her and after the other woman left, C told me that the woman also did IVF! She had triplets and one of them was lost as well, but she has her twins in 2nd grade. It made me wonder…how many other kids at PT’s school came from IF treatments? For the last 5+ years, every time I went to PTs school for whatever reason, I always looked around feeling sorry myself, looking at all the moms and thinking they all had it so easy. But obviously that was not the right attitude. The stat is something like 20% of couples have trouble conceiving. So, out of the 500 or so families at PT’s school, maybe 50-75 dealt with IF? (I dropped it from 20% to 10-15% because I guess some couples who go through IF never end up having kids…so obviously they wouldn’t be at PT’s school). But this was really eye opening. Sometimes I am so self absorbed. Even though I realize that IF hits so many people, it is hard not to just focus on ME, ME, ME.

C was really sweet, but kind of dingy. I told her that I had questionable egg quality based upon my fertilization report. She said, “What is a fertilization report?” And she asked a bunch of questions about IVF that I thought someone who had been through it seven times would already know…I realize she did it starting 7 years back and maybe things have changed somewhat, but still. I thought SHE would be more of expert, but she seemed to just look at the whole process as some sort of miracle. It seems like she went through the motions for IVF, but didn’t do any reading about it and never tried to UNDERSTAND what was going on in her body. I guess everyone is different. I couldn’t go through this process without trying to understand everything.

She also kept repeating herself that she KNOWS I am pregnant, she just knows it. I like positive attitudes, and I certainly need them, but sometimes it is annoying. She kept saying, “You have good egg quality!” but I had just told her that we weren’t sure about that. She wants me to call her on Friday so we can meet that night (the night of my beta). I am so nervous. I guess I will see how I feel. If I have a negative beta, I think I will be crawling under a rock for a while.

One thing I have been thinking about that really threw me at acupuncture on Saturday. Of all people, K has always been SUPER positive during this process. She has always said I don’t need any luck, that IVF was going to work for me, blah, blah. For some reason when K does this it isn’t annoying…maybe because I feel like she has experience dealing with IF people in her practice and she has seen the success stories with her own two eyes. But this last session, when she asked me how I felt and I told her that I didn’t think it worked, she didn’t try to talk me out of that feeling. She just said, ‘Oh, okay’ and became quiet. Then I was the one that tried to explain that maybe it did work, I don’t have symptoms but it may not mean anything, some people don’t have any symptoms this early….and K agreed with me, but she was kind of quiet about it. Then later she even slipped and said, “So next time you try IVF…” So, I have a feeling K doesn’t think it worked either.

Trying to just hold out until Friday, but having another BFN after all this is going to be really hard to bear.

I know I should wait…

7dp3dt

I am wasting posts with my annoying drivel. I should probably wait a few days so that I have something interesting to say! But I am bored and distracted. So I am going to use this blog to waste a few minutes.

I had acupuncture yesterday and she told me to buy some acidophilis for my yeast infection. I ran out and bought some and started taking it, but it hasn’t helped yet. It is weird to think I am ingesting billions of bacteria on purpose! But it is supposed to replace the bacteria that the doxycycline killed last week. I hope it gets the yeast problem under control. Believe me, progesterone suppositories + yeast infection = wanting to jump out the window.

My acupuncturist always takes my pulses and yesterday she said that my pulses were “hungry” and asked if I had eaten anything yet. I hadn’t. I always wonder when she takes my pulses — do pregnant women have pregnant pulses? Would she be able to tell if I am pregnant before I get my beta? I guess it is moot b/c my next appointment is on Saturday morning and my beta is on Friday. GAWD. The 2WW is so slow. I am only half way there. It seems that my ET was SO long ago but it was at 11:30am last Sunday!

So far symptoms can be completely attributed to progesterone supplements: really sore boobs, bloated, gassy, cranky, hungry all the time, constipated, peeing every three seconds. WOW. I am such a joy to live with right now!

My plan to ask for the receipt from my SIL for PT’s jacket backfired on me. She went into this huge tale (LIE) about how she bought it at this one department store, and that she even thought that the sleeves looked a little short, but that the sales girl said the kids are wearing thermal shirts underneath jackets with short sleeves now, it is all the rage. This department store she mentioned always puts a sticker on the tag so that if the receipt is lost, you can still return it. This jacket had NO TAGS anywhere. Don’t you leave tags on gifts when you give them? I just cut the small part with the price off. My SIL lies so much, she begins to believe her own lies. It is quite amazing. Anyway, the next thing she said was that PT would be getting a gift certificate for that store in the mail. Which was fine! I thought “I WON!”. Then the next message was that my SIL wanted to drive down here today and take PT shopping. OMG. Seeing SIL twice in one weekend is enough to make me gag and I don’t even have morning sickness (yet). I think she is feeling tres guilty that we called her on her bullshit finally. Anyway, I e-mailed her back that the Sunday after Thanksgiving is the WORST day to drive during the whole year, and that we had plans anyway (LIE). She was mad, but I don’t care. She thinks the world revolves around her and no one ever has plans to do anything, we just wait around for her to announce that she is coming and expects everyone to bow.

Today I am meeting a girl for the first time. A mutual friend met her in Hawaii last year when their families were in adjacent townhouses for 10 days. This new friend lives only 2 blocks from me, and her kids go to PT’s school! I am sure I am going to recognize her when I see her…this should be interesting. And the topper: She was IF for years and both her kids are from IVF! I can’t wait to meet her. She sounds super sweet. She promised to keep my IF/IVF a secret b/c the last thing TW wants is for the news to spread through the school gossip mill. She actually promised over her kids’ dead bodies, which I think I can completely trust. 😛 She left me a long message on my cell phone when we were trying to coordinate a meeting, and mentioned that her oldest son was a fighter…her first beta was so low (13) that everyone at the IVF clinic was already giving her condolences and telling her that it was not a viable pregnancy. But they kept doing betas and the the number got bigger and bigger…and she had a perfectly healthy baby. Miracles happen every day.

I hope one can happen for me too.

Not that much to report…

6dp3dt

The 2WW has slowed to a halt. I called the clinic yesterday because I got a STACK of what looked like bills for ICSI, assisted hatching, anesthesia…when the guy answered I thought it was the answering service because usually a woman answers. I asked whom I was speaking with, and it was Dr. S! He was very sweet and told me that the “bills” were just FYI. Then he made a little small talk with me. I told him that the 2WW was kicking my but. I can’t believe that my transfer was less than one week ago, it feels like a million years ago.

I think I have a horrible yeast infection. This makes sense because I usually get one after antibiotics, but I haven’t taken any in so long it slipped my mind. I am so bummed I didn’t ask Dr. S about it when I had him on the phone. But yesterday morning when I called I just thought I had some irritation from the bajingo bullets (progesterone suppositories) so I didn’t mention it. But by last night I was in pure agony. And this morning too. We are supposed to go to the local college football game today, and TW wants to ride bikes. I don’t think I can handle 8 miles of bike riding (each way) the way my coochie feels right now. Plus, putting more bullets up there during my infection SUCKS. But I don’t know what to do. Obviously I don’t want to stop the progesterone, but this is just hell. I have acupuncture today, maybe she can help?? (Don’t ask me how).

In addition, my progesterone is giving me all these phantom preggo symptoms…really sore boobs, bloaty, gassy, tired, cranky. What a mind fuck.

And to make things even more fun, I did a walk-through at the construction site, and they have framed a wall in the middle of my “open kitchen” that is going to mess everything up! They better not tell me it is “structural” or I am going to have a heart attack!

Highlights from Thanksgiving:

• I didn’t get food poisoning, for the first time ever (I think my SIL is trying to kill me)
• We were stuck is so much traffic on the way there that we went through a fast-food drive-through!!! I ate a chicken sandwich, onion rings and a lemonade! OMG. I am a complete garbage disposal.
• I discovered that Izzy’s pomegranate and blackberry soda can curve my appetite to self-medicate with alcohol, even during the most annoying of all holiday events: TG at the SIL’s.
• SIL asked us to bring TWO cases of Corona beer. There were 7 people there. One was a minor, I wasn’t drinking, TW was driving so he wasn’t drinking, my FIL doesn’t drink beer. Hmmm. Seems suspiciously like they just wanted us to stock their fridge with beer for the next few weeks.
• SIL gave us a gift to bring back for PT (her birthday was on 10/5!). It was a relatively cute Roxy jacket, but guess what – no tags anywhere on it. It was clearly from my niece’s closet. I e-mailed the SIL this morning asking for a gift receipt because (I claimed) the sleeves were too small. Hmmmph! So there! I am so tired of her treating us like we are the Salvation Army!

Ugh. When will 11/30 get here!!!