To Blurt or not to Blurt

I am in a weird state of being. I have been keeping IF a secret for so long that I now find myself wanting to blurt it out to random people. I haven’t done it, but I have a hard time keeping it to myself. I caught a ride home with a professor the other day, and wanted to blurt it out to him. There is this girl I see at the dog park, and I have to bite my tongue because I feel the urge to tell her…I barely know her. I just find that it is on the tip of my tongue all the time, like I don’t have the control to keep it in.

Today I did end up telling someone that I don’t know all that well. She is the founder of the puppy rescue organization that I volunteer with. She sent me a bunch of e-mails asking me to follow-up on this and that, and I wrote her back and then picked up the phone to call her. At first I was just going to tell her about moving and my remodel project and working full time, and let her know that I need a couple of weeks to get my stuff in order before I could focus on puppies again. I did say all that, and then I ended up saying, “And….I am going to be doing In vitro next month”. She said, “YOU ARE?” and I thought she was going to launch into a lecture about how I am young, how I should relax, blah, blah, blah. But you know what she said? She said SHE DID IT. She did it 17 years ago. You know, I think this is why I wanted to tell her. I had a feeling that she was an IFer like me. She doesn’t have kids ….I don’t know why but I just knew.

She and I had a great talk. She told me that she and her husband tried from the time she was 33 until she was 38 – the final attempt was one IVF cycle. They tried everything known to the medical world. It did not end up happily. She got her period after IVF and literally wanted to crawl into a hole and die. She said she was so obsessed with babies for 5 years that she was paralyzed. She couldn’t handle seeing babies or pregnant ladies, she would see someone pregnant that she thought was a loser and would automatically feel self loathing – that all these horrible people could get pregnant without trying and that she was cursed… she was bitter when her friends got pregnant (all of this sounds familiar!!) and she could not imagine living her life without a child of her own.

But then something happened. She let it all go. She accepted the fact that it was not in the grand plan for her. That she was here for another purpose. She said it took some time, she focused her energies on other things at first, to keep her mind off of the pain. But with time, her focus took a real purpose, it was no longer just to pass the time or keep herself occupied. And she started this rescue organization and has made a difference in the lives of hundreds of puppies and the families who adopt them. And she focused her time on her nieces and nephews, she has helped to raise some of her family’s devilish teenagers when they needed to leave home to regroup, she has traveled the world. She has done all sorts of things that she feels she would not have been able to do if she had had her baby. By the time she was 40 she no longer yearned. Her life was fulfilling and happy. And now, at 55 years old, she actually thanks God that he didn’t put it in her plan. She is sure she would have been a great mother if things had gone that way, but she feels that her life was meant to be this way. And she feels truly, honestly blessed.

It was so great to hear that it is possible. That if things don’t work out, I won’t always feel this sense of longing, of emptiness, of something huge missing from my life. She told me if I ever want to talk, she will be here. And even though I don’t know her all that well, I felt so close to her.

So, maybe my blurting had a purpose after all.

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3 Responses to “To Blurt or not to Blurt”

  1. Leah Says:

    Wow, you really hit the jackpot of understanding with her. She sounds amazing and inspirational. I pray with all of my might that at some point in the future I can put this IF shit behind me and become the person that I used to be — happy and strong. Not this emotionally (and financially) drained shell of a human who tosses icy glares at every pregnant person and new Mom in a 10 mile radius.

    She’s given me hope, so thank you for sharing!

  2. SaraS-P Says:

    I am amazed how often outing myself as someone who has seen an RE and has had miscarriages leads to finding out that someone has been through the same or similar sitiuations. It is a way to find real world support.

  3. Chris Says:

    It’s so great to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is life after infertility and one day we really will put it all behind us and all will be resolved, one way or another, and we will love our lives. I can’t wait for that day. Thanks for sharing your story.

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