Quick Post

I don’t know what happened to the “I am so excited” emotion that I had earlier today. Now I am just in a slump. AF is here with a vengeance. I had the worst cramps today, driving home from the dog park, I felt like I was going to pass out. I took two advil (Advil is okay, I’m not pregnant!) and now I feel a little better. Probably the 1/2 bottle of champagne (champagne is okay, I am not pregnant!) is helping too. TW is out of town and I got $30 of sushi (Sushi is okay, I am not pregnant!) and a bottle of champagne for my dinner. What the hell, may as well live a little. I watched a movie which was pretty funny (“The Ex” with Amanda Peet, Zach Braff and Jason Bateman), but there was a lot of tiny baby stuff, which sucked for me tonight. Today at work, P had to call me to his desk to show me something. When I got there, he just wanted to show me picture, after picture, after picture of his “adorable” nephew. He is obviously chomping at the bit for his own. Just wait, he will tell me next week that his wife is having a baby. At the dog park tonight, there was this adorable girl with a tight t-shirt over her 6 month belly. I was fixated on it. I am surrounded by happy fertile people. I am scared that the closest I will feel to motherhood is my dog. I love my dog. But I want a baby. How am I supposed to choose the right doctor? What if I choose the wrong one? What if it doesn’t matter because I won’t get pregnant anyway? I am convinced I have horrible endo now, because my cramps are so bad. Maybe I have some horrible disease or condition that won’t let me get pregnant. Maybe TW’s sperm are dying and by the time we go to IVF, he won’t have any left. What if we run out of money anyway, and we won’t be able to afford IVF let alone the house. We will have a half demolished house that will be repo’d by the bank, and we will be living out of my BMW sedan (because TW won’t let me by an SUV). We will have to give away the dog, and let PT go to her mom full time. We will eat cold canned beans with a plastic spoon (we will share one spoon because we won’t be able to afford two).

Anyway, as you can see – I am GLOOM AND DOOM. Just call me GD for short. My head hurts. My heart hurts. Good night.


7 Responses to “Quick Post”

  1. Heather Says:

    Holy Cow, Woman! Take a deep breath, Sweetie. All those things are possible but you two will face them together. The IF community is here and we have lots of info and support for you for whatever you may need.

  2. Pamela Jeanne Says:

    Clearly you were sucked up into the fertile vortex today which magnified all of the things missing from an infertile’s life. Through that lens IF can look more than scary and overwhelming. Taking a page from Heather’s book, it’s much easier to handle if you take it one day at a time.

    P.S. Bravo on the champagne and sushi dinner. I like your style.

  3. Michelle Says:

    I am sorry you are so overwhelmed right now. Just know that we are here for you. Your side comments on blank is okay, I am not pregnant totally fit where I am right now also. I don’t have AF and could possibly have ovulated, but with fj’s newly announced 1% morph, I am sure that I am not pregnant and therefore am trying to “enjoy” the luxuries that I couldn’t experience if I were. Believe me, I’d give up the miller light and sushi in a heartbeat if, well, you know.

  4. Michelle Says:

    Thanks for the post and the positive thoughts… I guess it CAN happen and maybe we will look into the endorcinolgy. Thanks. 🙂

  5. kona Says:

    I’m sorry you were feeling so gloom & doom. ((Hugs))
    Some days are like that. They just suck. I hope today and the next week is much better. A little indulgence sounded like just what you needed.

  6. Amy R Says:

    I’m sorry girl 😦 These rough and overwhelming moments will come and go.They will definitely GO. I promise. And sushi ALWAYS helps 🙂

  7. Rebecca Says:

    I was also hit with AF today and even though I knew it was coming (stupid non-ovulating ovaries) it still put me in the worst mood ever! Right now, we’re building a house and everyday we have more and more expenses that make me feel all I’ll be eating for the rest of my life is tuna – you are definitely not alone!

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