I got an e-mail today. The last e-mail I wanted to get.

I have a friend from college…we lost touch and got back in touch…many times. I realize she is a friend that needs me when things are rough and forgets about me when things are good. Which isn’t a great kind of friend. But I have known her for almost 20 years and I just deal with it.  She was one year behind me in college. I just re-read the post, and it was even before my first IVF. WOW. Seems like a million years ago. I even say, “Hopefully I only have to do it two times”. Guess I was wrong. How wrong I was.

Well, guess what she wrote me today…after not hearing from her in a few months:

I have some news to share that I’ve been wanting to tell you, but I didn’t know the right way to tell you ~ I’m pregnant! About a month into my second trimester now. I contemplated calling or telling you in person and I have wanted to tell you for a while now, but I know how hard trying to have a baby has been on you and I didn’t want to make you feel like you had to react a certain way or be positive right away for me. The last time I broached the subject with you, you were very upset about the whole pregnancy thing (understandable) so I didn’t think it was a very good time to bring this up. I can only imagine what you are going through and the emotional roller coaster you are on so I thought that an email would be the best way. Please forgive me if I chose wrong, but I was really only trying to protect your feelings.

Guess what. You DID hurt my feelings. And IT ISN’T FAIR that your gay husband with fertility problems knocked you up when you travel so much for work….and it only took him 3 months (or less) if I count all the time you have been out of the vicinity. And you SMOKE A PACK A DAY. And you DRINK A BOTTLE OF WINE A NIGHT. And you are 20 POUNDS UNDERWEIGHT. How can you even say you imagine what I am going through? You cannot fucking imagine ANYTHING I go through on a daily basis. I know you are trying to cushion the blow, but it didn’t help.

And I realize now, that the last time I talked to her she was already pregnant. She probably wanted to tell me, but after my diatribe about shots and pills and procedures, and how naive she is about stress and anxiety and “just relax and it will happen”…she chickened out. So she didn’t tell me then, and thought it would be best to e-mail me after her 2nd trimester started. So lucky me, I got the e-mail today.

And this just makes me feel even stronger that IT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN FOR ME.

And I am having horrible thoughts. Like…don’t get too cocky, bitch. Lots can happen in the next 6 months. I know. I know. That is the most horrible thing to say. But I am SO tired of this shit. She fucking blinks an eye and gets pregnant, just by deciding it is “the right time”. And now they are looking for a multi-million dollar house in the hills for her baby-to-be and any siblings she may have (she always wanted four kids).

And here I am. Stuck with a fucking 12 year old bitch-brat-spoiled-whore-to-be step-daughter (again, I apologize, but I will fill you in on the last two days with PT on the next post) and a clueless husband who has no idea what I am going through. Why?

With my luck, PT will get pregnant and I will be stuck in a custody battle with X on who should get to raise the grandchild. That is, if X doesn’t die of cancer first. Then I guess I would get to raise the baby.

I apologize for my bluntness and how evil I am. But I had to vent. I had to get it out. I am in a BLACK MOOD.


6 Responses to “Why?”

  1. Seriously? Says:

    I won’t even say that I know what you are going through, but you aren’t a b*tch. It is strange that everyone thinks they know the best way to protect your feelings, and it’s strange that the people who should have the hardest time getting pregnant just do when they decide to. I had someone tell me that they are going to get pregnant in Aug-Sept because they don’t want to ruin their summer.

    You are not a b*tch, we all just have moments of pure frustration and anger.

  2. M Says:

    I’m sending you the biggest hugs on what you’re having to deal with. You are not a bitch at all. THere are just some times in life when things pile up, and it all comes out.

    Again, sending you big hugs.

  3. amber Says:

    I completely understand. I just do. Infertility while raising someone else’s kid is more difficult than anyone can know.

  4. Pamela Jeanne Says:

    I’m going mental just reading this! Why is it people assume that they can drop bombs on you and calmly walk away as though nothing happened. Seriously?! Are they that fricking dense? Supports my theory that some people have a lot further to go on the evolution scale…she’s clearly of the neandrathal types.

  5. Zee Says:

    I can SOOO relate to this — having once had a friend (of 20+ years, who knew my whole sad story) drop the P-bomb just as casually and insensitively, and then (this is the best part) tack onto the end of the e-mail “And I’ve already gained weight. How freakin’ unfair is that?” She was four weeks pregnant at the time.

    Needless to say, we don’t speak anymore.

    And you’re totally right. It’s unfair. Absolutely unfair. And it sucks. And you’re totally not a bitch for being pissed off or having “evil” thoughts. (Or, if you are, you’re definitely in good company here!)

    Sending good thoughts to you.

  6. Freyja Says:

    I don’t think you’re a bitch. I just think you’re honest enough to say the things that everyone thinks. Or maybe I’m just a bitch too. 😉 Either way no one here is judging you.

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