I am alive

Hello everyone. First of all, I want to thank everyone that keeps stopping by to check on me. I am here. I am alive. I am just on a very much needed break from TTC. At first I thought I would be able to take a break and still blog…but my life is SO boring…I was having a hard time thinking of anything to write (besides my non-baby blues). So I need to apologize for abandoning the TTC community for last couple of months or so. I have also found it hard to visit some of my friends’ blogs — so many of you have finally had your babies, and I am SO happy for you, but at the same time, I feel very much left behind sometimes.

TW and I have been diligently taking our vitamins and will do another IVF in the next couple of months. I may start coming back here again, but until then I am trying to clear my head and start afresh. Our remodel is 99% done. If you are curious, here is a slide show of the house as it is now. We should be moving in about 3 weeks if all goes as planned. After 12 long months we are SO ready to get out of the 700 sq ft cottage with one bathroom!

http://s349.photobucket.com/albums/q385/777manor/August%202008
/August%2027/?albumview=slideshow

(You may have to update your flash player to see the photos).

As you can see, it was quite a huge project. And I pat myself on the back because I managed it with very little help from TW, and without a designer. AND did two IVFs in the process, while working full time! It has been a very busy 12 months.

So thank you everyone for all your support. I promise to stop by to say hi on your blogs, sometime real soon. I will be back, I am sure of it. Just taking a breather.

Love to all,

Babystep

Status

I have been MIA. It seems like EVERYONE is getting pregnant around me, in blog-land, every where I turn IRL too. I keep having these morbid images of lying on my death bed — ALL ALONE. Of course, this is not the reason to have a baby, right? To make sure you don’t die alone? I don’t know why I keep thinking about these horrible things. I am thinking about going to the doctor to see if I should go on some anti-depressants temporarily. To get out of this funk. I just bumped into my co-worker that has been TTC. She said they are still trying, and nothing is happening. I asked how long she has been trying, and she said 1 year. I almost laughed out loud. It sounds like no time at all.

I talked to the doctor the other day and he gave me and TW these vitamins that are supposed to be really good – they better be, for the price. $104 per box. One box lasts 4 weeks. So that is $208 per month ON VITAMINS. These better be some fucking magical vitamins with super powers. The doctor also wants to do a water u/s on me to make sure my fibroids haven’t grown during my IVF treatments. Apparently quickly rising estrogen can cause growth in fibroids. I have some fibroids but no one has ever been too concerned. They are not inside my uterus, but outside. I hate water ultrasounds. I had one before and it hurt like a mother fucker…although I think the nurse who was squeezing the water was completely inept. My appointment for the water u/s is next Wednesday. Watch them say something like I don’t have a uterus after all. Nothing would surprise me.

Oh — my mom, in her way, sent me flowers after my BFN. The card said, “I love you anyway”. What the fuck? We spoke on the phone a few days later and she started doing the same old thing — listing all her friends who have grandkids, and who used fertility treatments, etc. Then she said, “And Sue’s daughter just went through her FOURTH IVF…”. I cut her off because I didn’t want to hear it. And then she said, “NO…I am telling you it DIDN’T work!” So I said, “And how is this news supposed to help me?” And her response was, “Because now you know you aren’t the only WIERDO who can’t have a baby!” Gee mom, thanks.

TW’s sister has disowned us for not agreeing to let their whore daughter live with us for free, in our brand new house, for two years. I am pleased with the outcome. No more holidays with the in-laws. An added bonus! This is the only happy news that I have gotten in a while.

Results.

BFN. Fuck.

The Three Hour Wait (14dp1dt)

I am sad I posted such a negative post yesterday. Now I am not feeling negative, I am not feeling positive, I am just ANXIOUS and on PINS AND NEEDLES!  I just want to know, either way, so I can go on with my life. They took my blood at 8:30 (Pacific time) this morning and I should get a call by Noon-1pm. I will post immediately when I find out!

I had a HUGE distraction the last two days. TW’s sister e-mailed him basically telling us that her daughter (almost 18, stripper type dangly belly-ring, tattoo “whore stamp”, tons of make-up, HUGE boobs that she shows off every minute of every day, smokes pot, gets drunk, hangs out with gangsters) is MOVING IN WITH US for two years. WTF? She didn’t ask us, she just TOLD us. Oh – and she didn’t tell ME, she only told TW. I went so ballistic, I am surprised that China didn’t think there was another earthquake! TW is so non-confrontational, he didn’t know what to do. I was so scared he was going to cave. SIL even had the gall to tell him that if he didn’t agree to it, HE was ruining their relationship forever. She tried to convince us that the daughter “is a good girl”, evidenced by the fact that she always comes home by her 1am curfew. I am sorry but a 1am curfew would not work with our lifestyle! And do I want to share my brand new house the minute we move in? I THINK NOT. There are so many things wrong with this scenario that I don’t even know where to start, or how to end.

Supposedly (SIL is a big liar) they are in financial trouble and they want TW’s niece to move in with us to go to junior college by our house. So that they don’t have to support her. WTF!!! If this was truly the case, and they had half a brain, they would have called a family meeting to plead their case. And we would have had time to think about it, and they would have understood whether we said “yes” or “no”. But this is not how it played out. They just did it via e-mail. The e-mail basically had a move-in date, the date of her JC orientation, and the first day of class. We were totally blind sided. Then SIL had the nerve to say, “OH! I thought this was already all worked out!” when TW said it was the first he heard of it. In any event, TW stood his ground. And SIL tried to manipulate him and guilt him and play every trick in the book. TW called his dad, and luckily his dad was totally on my side and told TW that he should not do it. And he didn’t cave (most likely because I told him I would hire a divorce lawyer if the little b**** moved in with us!). If she is so great, why doesn’t SIL want her around anymore? Anyway, I really didn’t need this stress during my 2WW. But it sure did take my mind off the impending beta! And if you ask me, ruining the relationship between us and SIL is an added bonus.

13dp1dt

I am done. I know this IVF didn’t work. I have nothing. I feel nothing. I feel exactly the same as the last two times. And we all know how those worked out.

I am dreading tomorrow. My 3rd failed IVF. My 3rd BFN from IVF.

My intuition is always right. I keep wondering — am I doing something wrong? I follow all the instructions, every single one. Why can’t this work for me?

12dp1dt

Okay guys, thanks for thinking positive thoughts for me. I noticed something weird — the veins on my chest are here are night, but gone in the morning. The soreness fluctuates too. When I first get up in the morning, they are super sore. But once I get up and move around, they are less sore. My tummy feels unsettled but it could just be nerves. I feel nauseous and hungry at the same time. One difference from the last two cycles — ZERO spotting. IVF#1 and #2, I started to spot days before my beta, despite my progesterone. This time I have no spotting at all. I keep thinking I feel something, like a little gush of fluid, and I run to the bathroom for a panty check to see if I am spotting. And there is nothing there, or just clear, watery CM. I am a little crampy but I have heard many, many people say that they are crampy before their BFPs. Okay, I have to admit that my hopes are up (I hate to admit it!!!) again.

Okay, on to my distractions. Last night, TW and I were invited to a friend’s house for dinner. They are actually my parents’ friends, in their mid-70s. They like to invite us when my parents are in France, sort of like surrogate parents. Ironically their daughter-in-law is also going through IVF (two failed cycles)…but it is really hush-hush (their son is a local celebrity). My mom and her friend were gabbing and somehow it came out, but I am not supposed to know (and I was a little annoyed that my mom was blabbing about me too). Anyway, I was in the kitchen with the wife last night and told her that if their DIL wanted to talk to someone in real life who is in the EXACT same sitch, that I am here. I am not sure that the DIL will take me up on it, she is SUPER closed lipped about the whole thing.

Anyway, here is the annoying story about dinner. We were invited at 6pm. Actually, they gave us a choice: 6pm or 6:30pm. I chose 6pm because TW likes to eat on the early side, plus he knows that when we are invited to someone’s house for dinner, there is always about an hour before we actually eat. So we get there at six and then S (the hostess) tell us that she invited another guest, but he isn’t coming until 7pm. She proceeded to tell us some stories about the guest and his wife — the wife is WEIRD. She said that three or four times they invited the couple over, and the wife ended up saying she was too tired and she stayed in the car, in the driveway, while everyone ate dinner. WTF? So S was relieved that the wife wasn’t coming.

So, we are all sitting in the living room, S and A and TW are sipping cocktails while I am having my bubbly water. It is 7:15pm and the phone rings. It is the other guest, R. He asks if he can “bring someone”. S asks him if he wants to bring his wife, and he said yes. S was annoyed because she hadn’t cooked for 6 but she of course said it would be fine. We wait, and wait. S kept saying, ‘We should just start without them…no…let’s wait a couple more minutes’. We were STARVING!!! At 8:15pm, they finally pull up, but the wife is on her cell phone and keeps motioning through the window that she will be one more minute. She finally comes into the house at 8:45pm! UGH. So by the time we left, we had been there for FOUR hours. And the food was terrible too. S made Ethiopian food — I am adventurous when it comes to food, so I was excited to try it. She made two dishes, one with chicken and one that was veggie. They were identical looking (reddish), and the texture of both was like mashed potatoes, with little chunks. I couldn’t tell the difference between the two.  It didn’t really taste like anything…except SUPER HOT and SPICY. Now I want to go to an Ethiopian restaurant to see what it really is supposed to be like!

Two more days and a wake up before beta!

11dp1dt

My boobs aren’t even the bit sore anymore. And all the veins that I saw (or may have seen) are gone. Hope is slipping away…

Last night at the grocery store, I found a bottle of non-alcoholic sparkling wine. Yeah. It tasted as gross as it sounds. I dumped the whole thing down the drain after a glass. I would rather go without!

10dp1dt

I have never tested at home after IVF. I am SO tempted, but I am not going to do it. I just think it is a bad idea. I don’t trust those pee sticks as far as I can throw them. I have lasted this long…I can do it, right? Anyway, I gave away all my pee sticks to my acupuncturist, so I would have to go out and buy some. Which I am NOT going to do. TW is so convinced I am preggo, it is hard not to believe him. Yesterday we went next door to check out the progress on the house, and we went into the little room that will be the nursery (should we ever need one). It is going to be painted this really nice, warm, buttery yellow color called “Full Sun”. I figured that it is a pretty gender neutral color, and we can accent it with blue or pink, and if it ends up not being a nursery, it will still be a really nice color…ANYWAY, TW kept saying that the nursery will be nice, but that the “babies” will sleep with us in our room (he thinks I am going to have twins). I think that his enthusiasm is sweet and it is hard not to get caught up in it…but I also know that there is a very good chance that this IVF didn’t work. I am trying to just take it one day at a time. It is so hard. Of course, TW isn’t even going to be in town on the 9th – beta day. He wasn’t here for ER, ET and now he won’t be here on beta day. How convenient!

I keep staring at my chest. I lift up my shirt and stare in the mirror, looking for signs that my boobs are changing. I don’t even know if this would happen so early…I am being really silly. My chest seems more vein-y to me…but I could just be imagining it. I noticed two big veins on my chest, not on my boobs but on my chest area below my collar bone, running towards my boob. And there is also a little purple vein on my left boobie that hasn’t been there before. My boobs are SUPER sore, but I know that all of this could be part of the progesterone supplements. Ugh. I wish I didn’t even write about it b/c it sounds SO ridiculous when I reread this paragraph.

I just need to distract myself. Easier said than done! The good news is that the landscaper, after I spoke with him, agreed to do the whole front of the house, plus grading and drainage around the whole property — following our landscape plans — for the price we wanted!!! I am SO thrilled. We are going to do the backyard next year, but the front of the house is going to be GORGEOUS. He wants me to draw up a proposal detailing everything that will be included and we are all going to sign it on Monday. He started today with a huge Bob.Cat. If nothing else, I am going to be living in my DREAM house in less than 2 months.

I am watching the WORST movie right now, on TV. It is called “The Breed” – it is a Wes Craven flick. It is about a pack of genetically altered wild dogs that terrorize a group of college kids that come to this island getaway for the weekend. It is such a bad movie. The dogs are all German Shepherd looking, and some maybe Belgian Malinois. The scary part: My Sutter looks just like these crazy rabid dogs! I was at the park today and this lady was there with her little Sheltie. She took one look at my dog, and basically said he was scary looking and left. Hmmmph. I think my dog is beautiful. Maybe he does look a little satanic but I love him. You be the judge. The first one was the week I got him. The second one is how he looks now.

Three more days and a wake up, and I will have the answer. Fingers crossed.

8dp1dt

Gosh, I really don’t have much to report. The house is coming along, lots of little details to take care of. The contractor says he thinks we will be done on August 15th. That is SIX WEEKS from now! OMG. TW is a total nightmare project manager. I told him yesterday that I am ripping the landscaping project out of his dirty hands immediately. I keep telling him that the first words out of his mouth should be our measily budget. We have a gorgeous set of landscape plans, and the estimate was for $125,000. That is not happening right now. So I keep telling him that when he talks to landscapers, he should show them the plans, tell them our budget and say we are going to do this in phases. The ultimate goal is to end up with our landscaping looking just like the plans. But for now, we will live with what we can afford…focusing on the front yard for ‘curb appeal’. For some reason TW refuses to do this. Instead, he shows the plans to the landscapers and doesn’t say a peep. So they think we have deep pockets and come back with these exorbitant estimates. Our street address is deceiving. Yes, there are lots of wealthy people on our block, but we don’t fit that description!!! I am sure that these landscapers assume that we can just write a huge check without batting an eye. Anyway, I am very frustrated because if the house is going to be done in 6 weeks, we really need to get a move on. Oh…and yesterday TW said he picked pavers for our driveway. I did a calculation, and if we used those pavers, we would have a $60,000 driveway. OMG. He needs to take elementary school math again.

Oh — my contractor saw me get pulled over! I am so mortified. The next time I saw him, he greeted me with, “Hey Fugitive”. Then he start laughing hysterically. I know he is never going to let me live this one down. I also saw one of the kids who bags my groceries ride his bike by – he looked right at me. Note to self: Don’t get pulled over in the neighborhood!

Ugh. I am 8dp1dt. Shouldn’t I feel SOMETHING? Anything? I called my clinic b/c the progesterone is driving me nuts. I feel like I have the worst yeast infection I have ever had (except this happens each cycle, so I know it is the suppositories). The clinic said my only other option is PIO IM injections. I politely declined. I will deal with the bajingo bullets thank you very much.

PT is going to her mom’s for three whole weeks tomorrow. Is it horrible that I look forward to this time of year? Three whole weeks without PT is heaven. I know that TW hates it, but I love the break. I am not even going to feel guilty.

Yesterday I went to acupunture…I love it. I wish I was a bajillionaire so I could go every day. She was so cute…I told her that TW is convinced I am pregnant. When she asked me why, I said, ‘Probably because I am such a bitch all the time’. And you know what she said? She said she cannot imagine me being a bitch – ever. I guess she doesn’t know me all that well! But it gave me the warm fuzzies. And then I told her how wrong she is.

We have no plans for the 4th. Just how I like it. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday weekend! 6 more days until beta!

6dp1dt

I got my first moving violation today. PT was with me in the car. When I said “moving violation” she got all concerned like it was a SUPER serious thing, like I was going to go to jail. Amazingly, I wasn’t chatting on my cell phone for the first time ever (the new law goes into effect today). But I did roll through a stop sign. We were on our way to pick up Sutter Puppy from the vet. He spent the night — SO SAD. I tried to use it as an excuse, when the cop asked me why I went through the stop sign, I said I was very concerned for my dog, and we were on our way to get him from the vet. I thought he would give me a warning but unfortunately I got a ticket. On-line traffic school – HERE I COME!

Yesterday TW and I were on our way to play ball with the dog. The dog started licking his chops and making this really funny face…I just knew he was going to barf. Then his stomach started doing that ‘pumping’ thing that dogs do. I yelled, “PULL OVER” but TW is so slow on the uptake, he didn’t pull over and the dog barfed all over the seat of the car. So we turned around and I cleaned up the mess…and we tried one more time. You know dogs…they barf and then they act like nothing happened — and it is even a bigger bonus if they get to eat it (GROSS, I KNOW). Anyway, I cleaned up and we tried one more time. De ja vue. The dog did the exact same thing, and I yelled “PULL OVER!” again – TW failed to respond and the dog barfed all over the carpet in the car. WHAT IS WRONG WITH TW??? We got into a huge argument about it. He said that we couldn’t pull over because it is the bike lane and we can’t park there. We weren’t parking there, we were going to let our sick dog out of the car to barf outside. Anyway, there is no arguing with TW. We took him to the vet and the puppy ended up staying the night. $500 later he is home with a bottle of “Pepcid”. WOO HOO!

I am not even going to comment on symptoms…who knows if I have them or not. TW keeps telling me to stay positive for “the babies”. He is SO convinced that I am pregnant it is actually quite sweet. I wish his confidence would rub off on me. Two ladies on my IVF board heard today that their cycles failed. It really sucks donkey balls. We need some good news, people!