Advice from someone in a BAD MOOD

1. If you are a personal trainer and you teach a class in strength training, please be someone that can inspire. Don’t show up to class 50 pounds overweight, with flab on your FOREARMS, a bad dye job, 6 rolls on your belly, and 5 chins. Don’t tell me on the first day of class that you used to look different, you used to be in good shape. Don’t sit on your rump the whole time you teach class, watching us work our asses off. Don’t say, “And UP and hold, hold, hold and UP and hold, hold, hold” in the same monotonous voice because you are too fucking lazy to count. When you send us on our way to do the free weights, don’t sit on the bench and rub a feign knee injury, like that is the reason you don’t burn more than 12.5 calories a day. Let’s face it. You are a LAZY whore. How did you get this job? How could you be PAID for this? How could you make me PAY for this? And don’t ask me if everything is okay when I march out 30 minutes after class starts. NO. Things are NOT okay. And NO, I am NOT coming back.

2. If you already look like a pig, with a bald head and the most porcine nose I have ever seen, do not wear a light pink shirt with a pink tie to emphasize your porkishness. Do not stand in front of a room of people giving a presentation about your new CRM software. Instead of listening, we will fixate on your shirt, too taught to button at the bottom, and the pale, white skin covered in red hair sticking through the gap. By the way, your black pin-stripe suit from 1982, really needs a belt to go with it. We will stare at your wedding ring and wonder who, who, WHO is unfortunate enough to share your matrimonial bed. I guess she is unfortunate unless she happens to be Ms. Piggy. She is probably home now, suckling your 8 children, one on each teat. Bet you rush home every night for your slop. Do you have a rat named Templeton in your pen that forages after you are done?

3. If you are the bio mother to someone who now has a step-mother. BE NICE. Don’t call CPS on her. Don’t tell your daughter that she is evil. Don’t call her to yell at her and threaten that if the girl ever calls her “Mommy” again, there will be hell to pay. Because you know what? You may get breast cancer some day. And you don’t have any friends. And who will you need to call for help? That would be HER. And she is going to help, but she won’t forget.

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8 Responses to “Advice from someone in a BAD MOOD”

  1. Trace Says:

    You may be in a funk, but you are funny.

  2. docgrumbles Says:

    Yep, what goes around, comes around.

    And, I would’ve walked out of that class, too.

  3. Freyja Says:

    Some days it just don’t pay to get outta bed. Usually on those days I have a third drink…

  4. giantspeedbump Says:

    Third drink indeed. I love that you were honest enough to write it out.

  5. Rebecca Says:

    I think one of those pomegranate cocktails are in order right now. (((HUGS)))

  6. Pamela Jeanne Says:

    Can I mix up you up another Pom Martini? Or it Pom-tini?

  7. DC Says:

    I have been lurking on your blog for months and you are so funny and inspirational! I especially love your hysterical rants. 🙂

    I (finally!) started my own blog. If you’re interested, please check it out at http://lupuspie.blogspot.com

  8. Q Says:

    I’m sorry you were in a bad mood, but I ROFLed at one and two.

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