I have a problem.

I cannot stop reading blogs about loss. I saw a link to the headquarters of loss blogs and I have spent hours reading them. And it is like watching a movie where you know the ending is shocking or horrible….my heart is racing and I read entry after entry until the tragedy happens. Then I cry. And then I go on to the next one. Watching the story unfold, the pregnant woman and her husband, blissfully unaware what is in store…then crash.

What is wrong with me. These people that have endured these losses are in my heart. And their babies are in my heart. And it is SO unfair.

And I don’t know why I can’t stop reading.

But it makes me feel better. About my own situation. And don’t get me wrong. I am not getting ANY enjoyment out of this. But every story I read, I think — see — you don’t want this to happen to YOU, do you? If I never get pregnant, then it can never happen to me. Because if it happened to me, I think I would die. Literally. If this IVF doesn’t work, and the next one, and the next one…then I am safe. I am childless, but I haven’t suffered like that. Yes, I am suffering now, but not like that. I guess it just makes me feel that it can always be worse.

Is that the way to live?

There is a line in a song by Train called “Drops of Jupiter” that says, “Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land”.

Is it better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all?

I cannot answer these questions.

Beta on March 20.

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8 Responses to “I have a problem.”

  1. Freyja Says:

    I’m in the process of writing a post on my blog in response. I started it in here. But when I wondered if I had exceeded the character maximum for the box it occurred to me that my thoughts are probably suited to a blog post vs a comment in a blog post. 😉

  2. Ashley Bass Says:

    Oh yea…I know what you mean…I just have to make myself step away. It is not because I do not care. I greive for all of the losses. I just can’t stress myself out. I did this when I first found out I was pg. I just was so scared of m/c’ing. That is why I was so absent from my blog for the longest time after becoming pg. You just have to try to not stress out. Concentrate on the here and now!

  3. Joonie Says:

    You raise a very interesting question. I had a miscarriage at 9.5 weeks last year and it has changed me forever. Would I rather had not known that kind pain? I don’t know. It’s hard to say. It is a part of me now and has made me who I am. I’m sure if I were to get pregnant again, it’ll all come back to me and make it harder. For you, I wish a successful pregnancy and never having to live though loss of this magnitude.

  4. Heather Says:

    Since my pos beta, I have the opposite reaction. I just can’t read those things. I want to, I want to go and give my support – but I can’t. I can’t click on those blogs. I’m too scared.

    I still cry for all of those babies. It breaks my heart.

  5. Amy Says:

    I just read your blog and I had such similar feelings yesterday! I happened to write about it yesterday as well. I read Natalie’s blog and one previously that broke my heart, “Not According To Plan”.

  6. SaraS-P Says:

    I think it is a huge disadvantage of being so knowledgeable of all the possibilities… you start to doubt that a pregnancy can actually lead to a baby. There have been a lot of truly tragic losses lately and there is never a reason why.

    I hope your beta goes well, and, you know, leads to much more than just a pregnancy.

  7. PamelaJeanne Says:

    oh honey, that’s why I had to stop treatment. The losses were so overwhelming I couldn’t take it any longer…wishing you get the news March 20 that will light up your face.

  8. Kirsten Eide Says:

    How are you feeling?????? Only 3 days til Beta!!!

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