What I had to endure today.

P, my beloved staff member, came to my office with a letter in his hand, and shut the door. My heart stopped – was he quitting during our busiest season??? OMG. Well, it turned out the letter was just for my signature (I yelled at him about that…) But he did want to talk about his career. He has been in the same level position for 5 years and he wants to move up. I don’t blame him one bit. He worked for me at my last job, and when I took this job, I brought him with me. It was a lateral move for him, but he came anyway. That was almost 3 years ago. He has been married for three years, and guess what! He and his wife are going to start trying to have kids! Hooray for them! P knows what I have been going through. I only thought it was fair to tell him what was going on, since I was gone so much during the IVF cycle. Anyway, I felt a little pang of jealousy. I was only two years older than he and his wife when we decided to start trying to have kids. I was naive and happy and excited. I went to my OB for a “pre-conception” appointment. What a joke! That was 5 years ago. Now I am a bitter infertile. I do hope for their sake that it comes easy for them, but I know I am going to be SO jealous when he comes to me in 4 months to say his wife is three months pregnant! The long and the short is that there is no where for him to go unless he leaves his job. So I am bracing myself for his departure — I already talked to HR and we really can’t give him another raise or reclassify his job – it would be unfair to the others with the same level job. (I work in academia and there are so many rules!!!). Just another added stress. P has a job interview tomorrow morning. I hope he doesn’t get it. (Yeah, I am a BEE-ATCH).

Meanwhile, C, my other staff member just got married in October. An older co-worker stopped by, saying that somehow he missed the fact that she got married, congratulations, etc. etc. And then he started talking to her about having kids! She says she wants to wait 10 years before she starts (she just turned 25), but the guy was saying she should just go for it, and before she knows it they will be starting kindergarten, then highschool, then college, then they will be married…Yeah, because that is how easy life is.

Okay, but I am realizing things could be worse. Last night I went to the dog park for the first time in a long while. I bumped into this girl M, who I see pretty often. We ended up chatting and somehow (I am not sure how), the subject of kids/fertility came up. Ah yes. She said something about thinking that by now, she would be married with kids. I asked her how old she is – 39. She is waiting, waiting, waiting for the right guy to come around, so she can get married and have kids. She said she hopes that it will happen before she is 42. And to make her story even harder to bear, she was married when she was 25, to a total a-hole that didn’t want kids. She ended up getting pregnant by accident when she was 27 and her husband made her get an abortion. She thinks about that baby all the time. She has been divorced now for 10 years. It is so sad. It got me thinking — that would be SO MUCH WORSE. I have a husband that I love very much (even though he drives me mental). I have PT, and have been a mother to her for the last 8 years. This girl is renting an apartment, she is single and lonely, watching the big FOUR-OH approach day by day. And she is contemplating single mother-hood (donor sperm), IF her eggs are still good.

I think what I am enduring is pale in comparison to M right now. I feel like such an ingrate.


6 Responses to “Endurance”

  1. Ashley Bass Says:

    It is so great you have that thought. There are always other people who are in a far worse off situation sometimes, but that doesn’t make it any easier. However, it does make you look more at what you have and be even more thankful.

  2. Trace Says:

    Whenever people say they want to wait the snarky part of me thinks, are you sure? It may not be as easy as you think.

  3. babystep Says:

    Yes, I actually have told C that she may not want to wait TEN years. She knows what I am going through too.

  4. Cece Says:

    Someone told me once not your pain is your pain – if you start comparing yours to other peoples, you’ll never feel worthy enough to complain. Sure – it’s sad about the girl who had the abortion, but what you are going through sucks too!

  5. Freyja Says:

    Something my husband had always pointed out during my various and sundry episodes of self-wallowing is that SOMEBODY always has it worse. That knowledge makes him feel better but I always counter that SOMEBODY has it better. I dunno what the right answer is but I am so confused by it all. I keep repeating that Sheryl Crow line in my head over and over every day and maybe some day I’ll actually believe it: “It’s not having what you want; It’s wanting what you got.”

  6. PamelaJeanne Says:

    Whoa. What a convergence of emotionally charged discussions. Endurance is right!

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