I am here. I am surviving…

I am hanging in there. I actually feel surprisingly good. I think I have moved on, which is impressing even myself. I have some bad moments, but for the most part, I am ready to forge ahead. I think for a while my posts will be labeled “random babbling” because that is all I have to give right now. I hope you can bear with me!

Tonight I met Amy R. We met for coffee and she is just wonderful and smart and funny and kind, just like I knew she would be. We talked about IVF, IVF, IVF. As some of you may know, she did her first cycle in September and had a chemical. We are probably going to cycle at about the same time, after the holidays. It is nice to convert a virtual friendship to a RL friendship…I don’t have any friends IRL that are going through this.


My parents sent me a care package. The teddy bear that the evil chocolate lab puppy destroyed motivated them to send me a stuffed bear. Ironically it is a polar bear, which has some significant meaning, but my parents did not know this. About two years ago I thought I was pregnant. This was before we had done any testing, before I was a bitter infertile. We were just trying the “natural way” blissfully unaware. Anyway, my period was late. Very late. Like 10 days late. And I am like clockwork. For some reason I didn’t POAS, and in retrospect I have no idea why I didn’t take a test. The day I decided to take a test, I got my period (of course). And I lost it. That was a really hard day. That night I was reading the local paper and they were doing a series on global warming. The article was about the plight of the polar bear. I have always loved polar bears, I just think they are the cutest things. With the climate changing, the ice is melting much earlier than it usually does. Of course the polar bears have no idea about this, and decide to swim to shore as they usually do. However, they can only survive swimming about 75 miles at a time. And in order to get home, they now need to swim 250 miles. So the poor bears go for their annual swim, but at about 75 miles they are only 1/3 of the way there. And they die of exhaustion. They are finding polar bear bodies floating in the ocean miles and miles away from the shore. It is the saddest fucking thing. And I wondered – do they know they are going to die? Or do they just keep swimming, thinking that they will be there any minute? Do they keep swimming, hoping that they will see land and they will make it? I know I am putting human emotions and rational thoughts in an animal’s brain, but I can’t help it. That is how I am. In any event, this article just killed me. I could not get rid of the image of these poor bears drowning like that. And that night, I had a dream that my “baby” was a polar bear baby. It was swimming and swimming and could not make it to the “shore” so it died. That dream is still with me, I think about it all the time.

If you care about the polar bear like I do, please sign this card.


9 Responses to “I am here. I am surviving…”

  1. Amy R Says:

    Thank you for those sweet words 🙂 You actually inspired me to update my blog! It was really nice that your parents sent you a care package, but what an awful dream that was 😦 Hopefully sleeping with your bear will bring you nice happy dreams. xo!

  2. Heather Says:

    That is so sad. I feel like a polar bear now. I just keep trying to stay afloat.

  3. Ashley Bass Says:

    I am glad your doing well. I have been checking your blog everyday waiting to hear word from you. On the polar bear note, so sad! I signed the card!

  4. swim Says:

    I have been checking to see how you are doing. I’m glad you are doing ok. Your parents sound so very sweet with their care package. I’m going to sign the card now… I love polar bears.

  5. lub Says:

    What a sad polar bear story. I am going to sign. I hope you are hanging in there. Thinking o fyou…

  6. Trying to Understand Says:

    I’ve been thinking of you this past week. Glad to hear your hanging in there. Me too……. the polar bear story is a good one…….

  7. Pamela Jeanne Says:

    Glad to hear that you’re hanging in there. (I’m looking forward to meeting you IRL in January sometime!) In the meantime, I’m signing the polar bear card and wishing you continued strength.

  8. Yodasmistress Says:

    I work with endangered species for a living. The stories I could tell you. It makes me cry sometimes if I just sit down and think about it.

    Some fertil b*tch with 5 kids had the audacity to tell me that the world isn’t overpopulated last week. Every time I think about how much I love animals it makes me think about how much I hate people… which then makes me feel guility about TTC. Ah but that is a blog in and of itself. Stay tuned and I’m sure you’ll see it crop up soon enough.

  9. CD1 « Baby Step Says:

    […] Watching the polar bear swim reminded me of my dream. […]

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