I am hanging in there – by a thread


Yesterday I got into a confrontation with someone in a parking lot in front of a store. I was sitting in my car, checking my voicemail, and I feel someone crash their door into the side of my car. I look to my right and this chick was getting out of her car. I am usually pretty mild mannered (with everyone but my husband!) but something came over me. The anger, the fear, the emotions of the last few days bubbled up and I had to let them out. I marched out of the car and walked right up to her. I said, “Excuse me, you just hit my car with your door”. And she looked at me wide-eyed and said, “I did not!”. And this made me go into outer orbit. I mean, if she had said, “Yes, I am so sorry, I lost hold of the door” or something to that effect, I would have let it go. But she lied. To my face. And I couldn’t take it. I yelled, “Are you FUCKING kidding me? You are looking me in the eye and lying to me? You opened your door and slammed it into my car. And I was sitting in my car when you did it. And there is a ding in my door. And you are going to tell me you didn’t do this?” And she STILL wouldn’t admit that she did it. So I kept yelling at her. Then I opened her door slowly and showed her that her door was in exactly the right position to ding my door. And she finally admitted that she did it. And I said thank you, and I left.

IF is crazy making.

Today was a little rough too, definitely not as positive as yesterday (yes, believe it or not, despite the outburst described above, it was still a pretty good day). But hell, I wasn’t always happy before I knew I was IF, why would I always be happy after such a rough IVF cycle? So, I am giving myself a break. I don’t have to be positive every single minute of every single day. I used to be the girl that everyone would say, ‘You should smile more’ even when I was just walking around, minding my own business. It is just me. It wasn’t like I would scowl at people, but I just have a neutral face. I have seen people that walk around smiling all the time, and sorry, they look like freaks.

I went and chose a front entry door with sidelights and a transom, and that was kind of fun. But then I got home and because of all the construction and the stupid long term care facility that is walking distance from my house, there was NO parking. I couldn’t park at all. I had to drive all the way down the block and park in front of someone else’s house. OMG. I lost it again. I came so close to keying the car that was parked in front of my house, but I controlled the urge. Instead I wrote a nasty note in thick sharpy marker. It said, “1) Please do not block our mailbox, the mail carrier cannot deliver the mail and he has complained about this. 2) THANK YOU for parking here. I had to park half way down the block and this is MY HOUSE”. I stuck it under their windshield wipers. Hmmm. I think I am going nuts. But it made me feel better anyway.

The clinic called today. J, the nurse who was in the room for the embryo transfer called me while I was taking a nap (a much needed nap…obviously I am quite cranky!). I wasn’t going to answer and then I saw it was the clinic. She had this very empathetic, sympathetic, sorrowful, calm, quiet voice as she said, “The biologist has been watching the four remaining embryos. I am sorry, but they did not progress”. Which I guess is a nice way of saying that they all croaked. I cheerfully responded, “Oh, well yeah, thank you very much for calling. Happy Thanksgiving!”. Then I hung up and had a good cry. It made me so sad. That these little embryos, these potential little babies, died in a dish in a lab. It is so depressing that even when sperm meets egg, nothing comes out of it. And somehow it made me less hopeful for my three. I mean, I realize that the dish isn’t the optimal environment for embryo growth. But when she said the other four didn’t progress, I pictured the three inside me dying too. I know I am not supposed to think that way, but how can I help it.

I guess the good news is, I can still enjoy a simple pleasure here and there. I had a snack of a pippin apple (they are so hard to find these days!) sliced thinly, with some extra sharp cheddar cheese. I savored every bite. I am alive. I am here. I am breathing. I am feeling. I am me. And I will go to bed each night, and I will wake up each morning. Every day. Every day.

10 days until beta.


7 Responses to “I am hanging in there – by a thread”

  1. Erin Says:

    Ok, first of all – good for you for telling that door slammer how it is. What an ass! Second, I get told to smile all the time, too! BY HOMELESS PEOPLE. That’s how bad it is. Sorry if I don’t go around grinning like a fool all the time!

    And finally, hopefully it’s a good sign that my RE didn’t even try to freeze my remaining embryos. They were that crappy.

    Try to have a happy Thanksgiving and hopefully you’ll find a parking spot near your house sometime soon! 😉

  2. giantspeedbump Says:

    Way to go with the car door…the way I’m feeling I’d have done the exact same thing! Right on!
    Sorry about the 4 “leftover embies”, it is sad to think of them fizzling out…but that’s not necessarily what’s happening in your uterus!!! Keep your chin up!

  3. missedconceptions Says:

    WTF are these people doing messing with you THIS WEEK? I think that you should do whatever you need to do to make it through, and if that includes tell people off who are clearly in the wrong, then tell them off.

    Don’t think about the 4 — think about the three you have. And, yes, to answer your question, if you can *act* positive, even when you don’t feel positive, it will rub off on you. I have faked positive feelings many a time, if only because that was all I could do other than go stark-raving mad.

  4. Heather Says:

    I’m sorry it has been rough. I’m very sorry they didn’t “progress”.

    I am very proud of you for standing up to the wicked door woman.

  5. Pamela Jeanne Says:

    Oh so much to comment on here. First, yes, IF is crazy making stuff. I’ve lost it on more occasions that I’d like to admit. The most recent was a few months back when a woman cut in front of me in a pharmacy line and acted like I wasn’t there. I became unglued. I was in business clothes and she was clearly a mommy. While it felt good at the time, I focused so much rage on her it scared me more than a little in hindsight…

    As for your little embies that didn’t go the distance in the lab. I’m so sorry. I know how many dreams you had wrapped up in them. I know. I know. I know…

  6. Kim Says:

    Ugh, I’m so sorry that your little ones didn’t make it :O(.

    As for IF making you crazy, I’m right there with you. I am constantly saying that, ‘I’m either going to get pregnant or I’m going to get divorced… and committed’.

  7. Yodasmistress Says:

    I wish I could say that I can’t believe that bitch lied about your car but the truth of that matter is that is almost what I expect from the world today. So many people just really, truly suck!

    I used to be a lot more morose in my youth than I am now. I was ANGRY a lot too. I smile a lot more now than I used to. I’m not sure if I’m actually happier though? You know that is an interesting question – does smiles = happy?

    I’m sorry your still invitro babies died. Just try to remember that the strongest ones are invivo!

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