Hope has left the building

Transfer Day

Well….news is not too good. I was SO hopeful, I even wore my Gap “Two Weeks” shirt to the transfer. TW was with me and I was feeling great. The doctor (my favorite doctor) called us in and grabbed the fertilization report. I showed him my shirt before he started talking and he loved it.

Although all 7 eggs fertilized, I guess I got my congrats and my hopes up a little prematurely.

NONE of the embryos matured properly. NONE of them had 8 cells. ALL of them were fragmented, which I am not even sure what that means. FOUR of them were so poor that they aren’t even going to freeze them, they were fragmented so badly they couldn’t even tell how many cells were there. The other three were 5, 6, and 7 cells, but fragmented as well. As the doctor was speaking, my heart was beating so loudly all I could barely hear him. I was so close to tears I am surprised I didn’t cry in front of him. I did hear the term “Poor Egg Quality”, however.

He recommended that we put all three of the “good” (I use the term “good” very loosely) embryos in: the 5, 6, and 7 celled ones. I asked him point blank if he had seen a healthy pregnancy come out of embryos like mine and he said absolutely YES. He told me that the minute he was done telling me about my embryos that he wanted me to purge the information from my brain and think only positive thoughts. Yeah. Right. Luckily TW is so dumb naive optimistic, he is able to do this. The doctor gave us a 15-20% chance of a healthy pregnancy, and less than a 5% chance of triplets. When we first started this process, I was given a 35% chance of a healthy pregnancy, and a 45-50% chance with pristine embryos.

The doctor left to tell the embryologist that we were ready, and I burst into tears. When the doctor came back in I tried to compose myself, but he knew. He said, “What did I tell you? You need to think positive. It is amazing what the mind can do. In two and a half days you have to envision these embryos implanting. You have to picture yourself pregnant. You have to do it”. The transfer was actually pretty painful. No valium or painkillers this time. I don’t know if it was painful partly because I was in such emotional pain.

On the way home, I was crying the whole way. TW was trying to comfort me but he started getting impatient, because he kept saying I HAVE TO THINK POSITIVE. I just don’t know how! I don’t know how. TW on the other hand was talking about how I will have to quit my job because I am having triplets. He asked me which room of the new house would be the nursery, where the babies will sleep when they are tiny. What color I want to paint the nursery. Whether they will be boys or girls.

I want this SO badly. I had such high hopes yesterday. I know it is important to think positive, but no one installed the “Happy Thoughts” switch when I was born. I guess they forgot.

The fact is, I have three embies in my uterus right now. Please little ones, please, please stick. Beta is scheduled for 11/30 at 9am.

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13 Responses to “Hope has left the building”

  1. Trace Says:

    I’m so sorry you didn’t get the results you wanted and I know it is SO hard to stay positive. (((Baby Steps)))

  2. missedconceptions Says:

    Oh, Babystep. This is not the news that you wanted but it may not be bad news. You have much, much higher odds this cycle than any cycle before (what did they say — less that 1 in 1000 chance without IVF?) so you have made great strides. 15-20% are the odds for a “natural” cycle so you are now in the realm of normal fertility odds, where you have probably never been before.

    We need to grab hope by her f*cking hair and tie her down, don’t we?

  3. Yodasmistress Says:

    The “Happy Thoughts” switch is a special option only offered on husbands of infertile women.

    (((HUGS)))

  4. Heather Says:

    Damn. I know we all wanted great things – but it can still turn out great. I’m not throwing Hope out yet. So you have at least two people thinking positive thoughts for you!

  5. Kim Says:

    I can feel how much you want this… it just breaks my heart. It’s not over yet, something good can still come out of this. I have a feeling that you have three fighters there!!

  6. Pam Says:

    I know what it’s like to have to think positively even when you think it’s not possible. Just take one day at a time. Visualize the embryos burrowing into your lining. Do some meditating type breathing. I know it sounds hokey, but even I, the total sceptic, did it and I’ve managed to get through week 1 of the 2ww. 🙂 Hang in there.

  7. Erin Says:

    The two embryos I transferred were 6 and 7 celled and both had fragmentation. And both stuck! So, please try to stay positive! I’ll be doing so for you, just in case.

  8. sharah Says:

    Just try to take care of yourself, and remember: your thoughts, positive or negative, have no bearing on whether they stick or not. Do the best you can, and we’ll be thinking positive thoughts FOR you in the next few weeks!

  9. kona Says:

    (((Hugs))) for you Baby Step!! I am thinking positive for you, too!!

  10. Pamela Jeanne Says:

    I’m not sure if I’d like to whack the doctor or not. While I appreciate honesty, how does he expect you to think positive when he leads with negatives?

    Now, I’m going to focus on the good news, which is that he has seen successful pregnancies result from embies that resembled yours. Keep the faith! Stay strong…

  11. Rebecca Says:

    As I read your post, my heart was breaking right alongside yours. I wish you didn’t have to hear that. BUT this cycle is not over! You have 3 little guys inside of you, all you need is for one to implant. It’s possible, it’s really happened to other people who now have real babies from it. I’ll be counting down your 2ww with you.

  12. giantspeedbump Says:

    I am in the same boat at the same time, just one week ahead. We had 3 lesser quality embies transferred. I started out feeling positive but then by 7dpt I lost it (check out my blog). I know how tough it is to shift your brain when you start out with a sense of doom and grief in your heart. I can’t sugar coat it for you, because I’m fighting the same fight and it sucks. However I do know it’s completely possible for you to have a viable pregnancy, so you have to go with that for now. Hopefully you’ll get a pleasant surrpise.

  13. Serenity Says:

    Go read Mary Ellen at “Not According to Plan.” She’s on my blogroll. Seriously. Her last transfer? The VERY SAME thing as you. And what happened? She’s 8w pregnant.

    With triplets.

    Point is, you have a chance. A better chance than you’ve EVER had.

    One step at a time, ok hon? Hang in there. I will not let go of hope for you – try and stay as positive as you can, ok?

    xxx

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