5dp1dt

The 2WW is interminable, isn’t it? ALL I can think about is…what is happening down there. Is this or that a sign? Are the progesterone suppositories playing tricks on me (YES THEY ARE!). I am only 5 days post transfer and since mine was a one day transfer I am two days behind. I probably shouldn’t feel anything yet, and if I do, it is all in my head. My boobs are so sore it is crazy, but I always get this way after I start my supplements, and both times I had sore boobs during IVFs I got a BFN. So know it is nothing to get excited about.

I watched two movies this weekend: Juno and Knocked Up. Hmmm, notice a theme?

I joined Facebook. I didn’t think I would ever do Facebook or MySpace, but my friend J asked me to join so we could play scrabble on line. FUN! And I found all sorts of people from college and highschool and other eras of my life. I could surf around FB all day. There are some silly things which I find just amusing but it is really cool to see what people are up to. Of course, inevitably I have found MANY people from highschool have pictures of their kids on their profiles and it stings a little. Everyone is ahead of me.

Yesterday our new next door neighbor had a wine tasting party. We were happy and flattered to be invited so I went and got a nice potted plant to bring and I had been looking forward to it for days. It was supposed to start at 4pm and I hate being the first people there, so I thought we would go about 15 minutes late. Well…that was a bad idea because they were actually starting right at 4pm. The neighbor actually called us to see if we had forgotten! How embarrassing. So I sent TW running over there and I just had to throw some shoes on and put on some lipstick. When I walked over, I said I got “stuck in traffic” which got a huge laugh since we literally live next door. But when I was walking up the driveway, I saw this car with a sign on the side that said, “Wines at Home” or something like that. OH GOD. TW was going to kill me. It was not just a friendly wine tasting…it was a wine SELLING/BUYING party.

This always really pisses me off. I find it completely sneaky and deceitful. The invitation we got (phone message) said that the neighbors wanted to get to know us better and introduce us to some of their friends. He said that their friend is an artisan wine buyer and that we would get to taste some unusual wines. I love that kind of shit (although I knew I wouldn’t be partaking this time around), and thought TW would enjoy it too (even though he isn’t as much of a wine lover as I am). So we happily accepted the invitation.

It turned out to be just like a Tupperware or Avon or Pampered Chef party, except the products were wine, wine glasses, wine accessories and gifts. There were 6 wines to try (while I was sipping water) and there was high pressure to buy. Like, “If you purchase a case today, you will get free shipping!” or “If you join our wine club, you will get an extra bottle the first month!”. And she wanted us all to sign up to do a wine tasting party in our own homes. The “host” came to the house for $60, and brought the wine and glasses, while our neighbor provided the appetizers and invited the people. The wine chick was so loud and obnoxious, told horrible jokes, and was in our face. And poor TW is pretty reserved. And for some reason she was picking on him and he was just shrinking in his chair. And she kept coming up to him with food and trying to make him eat it while tasting the wine, calling him out, asking him questions — he had daggers in his eyes every time I looked at him. She was really aggressive. TW only liked (and when I say “like” it is pretty generous) one of the wines. The woman did manage to sell a few bottles to other people, but the whole experience was extremely annoying and disappointing. TW and I had a good laugh when we dumped all of her marketing material in the recycling bin once we got home. If you are going to hold one of these events — be honest. We felt completely duped. Here I was thinking that the neighbors wanted to get to know us, but it wasn’t like that at all. That sucks.

Kill me now…

I have this “friend”. She is from my college days and lives near me. We only see each other a couple of times per year. She drops off the face of the earth for a while and then I contact her and we have dinner, and then no contact for months…I am always (almost always) the one to make contact…but she e-mailed me out of the blue yesterday — because, yes, she wants something. She and her husband are going to France for a wedding and they would like to stay with my parents for a few days. Whatever. She asked me how I was doing (she knows I am TTC) and so I briefly wrote back that we are still trying and not having any luck. And this is what she wrote back…mind you…she has NO clue about any of this stuff. She and her husband have been married less than two years and are not TTC. Although, for some reason they have already researched IVF clinics, and it is mostly her husband that is doing the research. He has been married before, and he didn’t have any kids, so I am assuming that he already knows that he has a sperm problem. Why else would a guy be researching IVF clinics before even trying on their own? It sounds a little fishy to me.

Anyway, here is her e-mail:

“I am so sorry you are down about getting pregnant. This probably isn’t going to be much help, but in the celebrity magazines I keep reading how certain celebs try 2, 3 sometimes 4 times before it happens –and even some give up and then presto, it happens on it’s own. Stress is such a big factor.  Also, I hope your place has a good track record cuz’ M keeps telling me about this place he found in the Peninsula that ‘guarantees’ you will get pregnant. Let me know if you want the info. I’m sure you’ve already read every book on the planet, but I read somewhere it also depends what you eat that day/week -something about changing the chemistry in the uterus. Seems to me they are implanting you with fertilized embryos, so I would think it’s some slight chemical imbalance down there that needs to be worked out. What do they tell you?”

THANKS for the advice Dr. C! Yes, it must be some slight chemical imbalance “down there” that needs to be worked out. I never thought of that, and neither did my doctors!!! I should probably eat something different on the day of my embryo transfer. OMG could she add anything else annoying into this e-mail? At least she didn’t say, “Just adopt!” I wrote her a RANT back, she probably will never speak to me again, but I just wasn’t in the mood for her blathering!

On another note, my friend that blew me off on Sunday wrote me an e-mail. I didn’t make any contact. She apologized about backing out and explained how exhausted she was because she worked two nights until 8pm and for about 5 hours on Saturday, and she was feeling overwhelmed and not enthused about coming to the event that she promised to come to and help with. I haven’t responded, I am leaving her hanging for a bit longer. I know that is a petty way to behave, but I feel petty right now. I will forgive her, but I have to be in the right mood to talk to her. My thing is that I was WAY more tired and she was, I had to be. I had worked until 10pm for the whole week, all day Saturday and by the time she flaked on me, I had already worked 6 hours on Sunday, and I had to work on Monday too. So hearing that she was too tired didn’t help her case. I know I am being harsh, but I just don’t have the energy to deal right now. I will probably contact her in a couple of days. Thanks for all your support on this one!!

Endurance

What I had to endure today.

P, my beloved staff member, came to my office with a letter in his hand, and shut the door. My heart stopped - was he quitting during our busiest season??? OMG. Well, it turned out the letter was just for my signature (I yelled at him about that…) But he did want to talk about his career. He has been in the same level position for 5 years and he wants to move up. I don’t blame him one bit. He worked for me at my last job, and when I took this job, I brought him with me. It was a lateral move for him, but he came anyway. That was almost 3 years ago. He has been married for three years, and guess what! He and his wife are going to start trying to have kids! Hooray for them! P knows what I have been going through. I only thought it was fair to tell him what was going on, since I was gone so much during the IVF cycle. Anyway, I felt a little pang of jealousy. I was only two years older than he and his wife when we decided to start trying to have kids. I was naive and happy and excited. I went to my OB for a “pre-conception” appointment. What a joke! That was 5 years ago. Now I am a bitter infertile. I do hope for their sake that it comes easy for them, but I know I am going to be SO jealous when he comes to me in 4 months to say his wife is three months pregnant! The long and the short is that there is no where for him to go unless he leaves his job. So I am bracing myself for his departure — I already talked to HR and we really can’t give him another raise or reclassify his job - it would be unfair to the others with the same level job. (I work in academia and there are so many rules!!!). Just another added stress. P has a job interview tomorrow morning. I hope he doesn’t get it. (Yeah, I am a BEE-ATCH).

Meanwhile, C, my other staff member just got married in October. An older co-worker stopped by, saying that somehow he missed the fact that she got married, congratulations, etc. etc. And then he started talking to her about having kids! She says she wants to wait 10 years before she starts (she just turned 25), but the guy was saying she should just go for it, and before she knows it they will be starting kindergarten, then highschool, then college, then they will be married…Yeah, because that is how easy life is.

Okay, but I am realizing things could be worse. Last night I went to the dog park for the first time in a long while. I bumped into this girl M, who I see pretty often. We ended up chatting and somehow (I am not sure how), the subject of kids/fertility came up. Ah yes. She said something about thinking that by now, she would be married with kids. I asked her how old she is - 39. She is waiting, waiting, waiting for the right guy to come around, so she can get married and have kids. She said she hopes that it will happen before she is 42. And to make her story even harder to bear, she was married when she was 25, to a total a-hole that didn’t want kids. She ended up getting pregnant by accident when she was 27 and her husband made her get an abortion. She thinks about that baby all the time. She has been divorced now for 10 years. It is so sad. It got me thinking — that would be SO MUCH WORSE. I have a husband that I love very much (even though he drives me mental). I have PT, and have been a mother to her for the last 8 years. This girl is renting an apartment, she is single and lonely, watching the big FOUR-OH approach day by day. And she is contemplating single mother-hood (donor sperm), IF her eggs are still good.

I think what I am enduring is pale in comparison to M right now. I feel like such an ingrate.

3 stories and why I need to lose 15 pounds

1. I went out to dinner with TW at an old restaurant that I hadn’t been to in ages. It started out as a nice night, we were having a nice conversation, good wine, yummy food. As always is the case, my mind wandered to the thought of babies and I said, ‘Can you see it? Can you imagine us with a little baby? Do you think it will happen?’ And to my horror TW’s response was, ‘Only God knows’. This, to me, is so similar to the “If it is meant to be” or “If it is in God’s plan” comment….the comment that makes me go into outer orbit. And it came out of my husband’s mouth. I almost completely lost it! I think my mouth dropped open and I could feel my eyes begin to tear up. And I went into my usual diatribe — about people like Britney Spears and Nicole Ritchie - THEY are meant to be mothers because God wants it so. And the guy in Alabama who dumped his 4 children ages 3, 2, 1 and 4 months over the bridge. And the woman in DC who killed all four of her children because they were possessed by the devil. THEY are the ones that God has chosen. And not me? Not me? I seriously could have stabbed him with my steak knife. I think he realized he said exactly the wrong thing but it still baffled me that the guy I am married to, the one that has been through this with me for so long, is so clueless!!! It ended up okay, believe it or not, it ended up in laughter. On the way home I yelled at him some (since I couldn’t yell at the restaurant) and then at the end of my vent, he yelled, “GOD IS GREAT” and I just busted into hysterically laughter. And then later at home we turned on the TV and watched the news. As usual the news was full of awful stories of murder and tragedy, and after each story I said, ‘That is in God’s plan” and then TW would yell “GOD IS GREAT. It was really dumb but at least we couldn’t fight anymore because we were laughing too hard.

2. At acupuncture on Saturday, K really got my hopes up. I am trying not to be mad at her because I love her so much. But at the beginning of each treatment, she takes my pulses on both wrists. Usually this is completely uneventful, I don’t even know what she is looking/listening for (she also always asks to check my tongue, I need to google that too!). In any event, after checking my pulses, K asked me if I had eaten (she always does this as well, but usually b/c my appointments are at 10am and I am not a breakfast girl — she is trying to change that). When I told her that I had lunch (a turkey sandwich and some chips), she said, “Huh. Okaaaaaaay….”. She sounded really curious so I asked her what was going on. She told me that my pulses were GREAT, REALLY GREAT, whatever that means. And then she got so bold as to say that my pulses sound like pregnant pulses! Then she immediately said she hates saying that, and that she never usually says it, but that sometimes she can tell….but that sometimes she is wrong. Then she said something feels really different. What the fuck. I asked her what about my pulses sounded “pregnant” and she said that they were just really strong. She also mentioned that my hands and feet were really hot and a little sweaty, and usually I am frozen. I actually did notice this heat myself, it is pretty cold here (45 degrees or so and mid thirties overnight) and I have felt pretty warm. The heat hasn’t been on at night, and I am taking off layers of clothing while TW is asking me to turn the heater on. So, I am not sure what is going on with me, but I really wish K hadn’t said anything about pregnancy. I have had my hopes up so high so many times! I am trying to just assume that acupuncture and herbs are doing something for me, in a good way. My body is changing for the better for the next IVF cycle. K was really apologetic for blurting it out, and kept saying she doesn’t know what is going on, I should keep an open mind, and we will just wait and see what happens. I am 8DPO (if I ovulated after her last treatment on 1/13). No other “symptoms” except for the elevated temperature (or I should say the feeling of elevated temperature since I am not doing BBT anymore). Aaaaaack!

3. Yesterday TW ran in a 10k race with his dad. I was going to stay home but he convinced me it was my wifely duty to go and cheer them on. So I went. I really didn’t want to go, especially after the “God is Great” conversation the night before. But I got up and bundled up like the little brother in A Christmas Story. And I was COLD, it was 33 degrees in the sun. I waited at the finish line and 1 hour after they started, here comes TW….grunting with every step and running with a really weird gait. He crossed the finish line and then it was clear that he was in severe pain…he sprained his ankle a mile before the finish line! It was a trail run through the woods, lots of obstacles and pits and rocks, etc. But this was totally his fault. He was running up a steep hill and three women passed him … he couldn’t have that! So, he decided to run as fast as he could down the steep hill on the other side. He said he was running so fast he was barely in control. And he sprained his ankle when it hit a seed pod. Serves him right! I mean, if he ran at a normal pace he would have gained at least 3 or 4 minutes on his time. But he had to run out of control and ended up injuring himself. And the three women he was trying to catch up to beat him anyway. And who is paying for his stupidity?? That would be me. He is the WORST patient!!! (But of course his sprained ankle isn’t stopping him from trying to have sex with me three times a day…I seriously wonder what has gotten into him! I wonder if his hormones have normalized in some magical way?) I will be so curious to see what his counts are when he gives a sample for our next IVF.

I was hankering for a snack today and decided a salad sounds good, and healthy too. So I got out the lettuce, spinach, cherry tomatoes and cucumber and put a bunch in a bowl. And then I decided to make home made blue cheese dressing, with mayonnaise, sour cream, blue cheese, garlic, lemon juice, pepper, green onions…I added a little non-fat yogurt for posterity but UGH, I have turned this salad into a snack worse than an ice cream sundae!

I have been corresponding with the IVF clinic about our next cycle and I will go in for CD3 blood work when AF arrives. I asked them if they still had TW’s sample from last time, he gave them a sample to freeze as a back-up. I assumed that they had it, since we used fresh sperm for the 1st IVF. The clinic informed me that per the contract, they destroy any unused sperm. ANNOYING, and I totally forgot. So TW has to go on antibiotics for 5 days again and then “do his thing”. TW’s travel schedule is going to be hectic the next two months so I am banking on going through IVF#2 by myself. But it sure would have been nice if they kept that sperm. So I asked if we could keep it next time if we don’t use it and they said we could but it would be an extra $720 dollars to store it! OMG, forget it. I swear, IVF clinics are money making machines.

Yikes - thanks for bearing with me through this monster post!

Follie Report Part Deux and Emotional Upheaval (Updated)

 ***UPDATED **

It is very strange. In some ways I feel totally normal. Like I can’t tell that I have all these weird hormones coursing through my body. I have barely any physical symptoms, none of the ones I was warned about. But my temper. And my tears. I am on a very short fuse. VERY.SHORT. Last night I brought some cookies home that one of my co-workers had made. I had tasted one earlier in the day and didn’t really care for it, but brought some home for TW and PT in case they would like them. I brought 4 cookies home. I served up dinner, and afterwards I asked them if they wanted a cookie. They both said they did, so I got up and brought one back for each of them. They gobbled them up. Then PT asked TW if he wanted another one. So she went into the kitchen and brought one back for each of them. Mind you, I had no desire to eat one of the cookies. But I said, ”How many are left” (knowing full well that there weren’t any left). Both PT and TW immediately offered me their cookie, and I started to cry. I told them I didn’t want the cookie, which was true. But I was crying like a baby. I wanted them to offer me a cookie before they took the last two. This is common courtesy, right? Especially after I brought the cookies home in the first place. But crying about it instead of telling them how I feel? I am acting like a baby. And I know it. But I can’t help it. Then to make things worse, I got up to take their dishes to the kitchen, and TW grabbed my sweats and pants-ed me. He does this ALL THE TIME, and I usually just pull them up and walk away. It bugs me but he thinks it is hilarious. He has done this about a thousand times since I have known him. This was NOT the right night to do this. I turned into Linda Blair in the exorcist. I think my head spun around 5 times and I am surprised I didn’t projectile vomit all over him. But I screamed. SCREAMED. “DON’T FUCKING DO THAT TO ME!!!!! IT IS SO DISRESPECTFUL!!! DON’T FUCKING DO IT!!!” I was hysterical. I couldn’t stop crying. I was sobbing and could barely breathe. I ran into my room and belly flopped on the bed, and buried my head in the pillows. Amazingly, TW chased after me. He crawled on the bed and took the pillows off my head, and covered my face in kisses. He said he was sorry and said he wouldn’t bug me anymore. He apologized that they took the cookies without asking if I wanted one. He told me to come back to the family room when I felt better. And after 10 minutes I did. I had let it all out. And I felt better.

Had another u/s this morning. Dr. P was there, he seemed like he was in a good mood. The nurse who told me it was impossible to have a cyst on Lup.ron was there too…I had to bite my tongue from explaining that one CAN have a cyst on Lu.pron according to the doctor! I just let it go.

Here is the follie report: Right ovary - 18mm, 18mm, 17mm, 13. Left ovary - 17mm, 16mm, 13mm, 11mm. The left is a little slow on the uptake, huh? But, it is what it is. They gave me one more shot of Folli.stim (225 units) this morning, and sent me back to the crazy pharmacy to pick up one more 300 IU vial just in case I need it (or to return to the clinic, since I ‘borrowed’ some of theirs this morning). I feel like I am bleeding money! But as long as that is the only thing I am bleeding, I can handle it. E2 report will be coming in a few hours. They think I will trigger tonight or tomorrow night. Retrieval will be on Thursday or Friday - I am FREAKING out! I decided to take all of next week off (well the 3 days I would have normally worked)…then we have Thanksgiving on Thursday/Friday. God, I am so nervous.

**UPDATE**. My E2 was 1264 and I got an e-mail that my stimming is over. Yahoo! I am to take 10,000 units of HcG tonight at 11:30 PST exactly. My egg retrieval will be at 11am on Thursday!

The pharmacy I go to is worse than the post office. There are about 10 people working like bees behind the scenes, and only one girl at the register. Every time I go, they say that they are “getting my stuff ready”.  How hard is it to get a box of Folli.stim ready? It isn’t like they have to do anything…no counting of pills, or measuring anything. But whatever. It is what it is. This is my new motto: IT IS WHAT IT IS.

So, I plunked down on the chair, waiting for them to get whatever ready that they needed to get ready. I picked up my book: “Happiness Sold Separately” (I am a couple of books behind on the Barren Bitches Book Brigade). I was reading a particularly poignant passage where the main character was reflecting on how she treated her husband during fertility treatments, and whether she had driven him to have an affair…she was describing the way her marriage had deteriorated before her eyes. I felt so fearful, like it was happening to my marriage before my eyes. And if it does happen, it would be mostly my fault. I know it, and I want to stop it, but I can’t. Well, I hope I can. Maybe I can? I was on the brink of tears. And then a mom came and sat down next to me with her adorable two year old. They had to wait for the pharmacy to get their stuff ready too. So she asked the little boy if he wanted to read a book, and he said he did. So she pulled a copy of Thomas the Train out of her bag and started reading it out loud to him. I could see the little boy in profile, he had creamy skin that I just wanted to touch. And his eyelashes were longer than any that I have ever seen. And he had that little soft baby voice. My heart just melted. And the mom came to a passage where Thomas served tea and cupcakes to his friends. And the little boy said, “I love tea and cupcakes” in his tiny voice. It was too much for me. My eyes sprang a leak and I had to exit stage right to compose myself.

Please let me be a mom. Please.

Busy Weekend

I had a pretty busy weekend, for a weekend that we had nothing planned since we were supposed to be up in the Mountains!

PT had a soccer game on Saturday morning. Since we were supposed to be heading out of town, she did not bring her soccer gear to our place. So we called X to ask if she could bring the jersey, shorts, socks, cleats and shin guards, etc. X is a “coach”. I put that in quotes because she is basically more of a cheerleader, she has never played soccer in her life and doesn’t even know the rules. She just jumps up and down and yells a lot. Anyway, we show up to the game - you would think X would be happy since we weren’t going to be there. Well, X only brought the shorts and jersey, not the cleats or shin guards. Then she went off on me totally within ear-shot, like it was all my fault. Poor TW had to drive all the way home (30 minutes) to pick up the stuff. Since X was going to bring everything, we figured she would bring EVERYTHING. It is just like everything else with X - nothing is ever simple. Anyway, once we got that all squared away, PT ended up scoring TWO goals  and her team won 3-1! It was very exciting. But I was really pissed that some how I was blamed for X’s own inability to be normal. Plus I never even spoke to her about the soccer gear. It was between TW and X. WHATEVER. But then at the end of the game, X came running up to me and was chatting with me like we were old friends. I think she has borderline personality disorder or something. She is a freak.

That afternoon I ditched TW and PT and went and had my nails done with two girlfriends. It was nice to get out and see J1 and A after a pretty long while. J1’s sister is the one that just adopted the baby. After our nails, we went to see the baby. He is too cute for words. Just so perfect! When A held him for the first time, she burst into tears. I was surprised I didn’t do the same thing. J1 is definitely sandwiched between the two generations. Her sister has a week old baby and her dad is suffering with severe Parkinsons/dementia and just had a heart attack two weeks ago. He needs constant care. What a tough situation.

That evening we told PT that she could choose anywhere she wanted to go for dinner. We went to California Pizza Kitchen (of course) and then Cold Stone afterwards. OMG I was so full I thought I would burst. It isn’t helping that the BCP is making me feel like a fat pig (with acne, mind you!). But my coldstone was amazing: Sweet Cream ice cream with heath bars and roasted almonds. YUMMY.

Sunday I blew off puppy class. I had already told the teacher I wouldn’t be there because we were going to be out of town. So I blew it off. It was PT’s 12th birthday on the 5th, so I told her I would take her shopping. J1 and A came with us. We went to the mall and had a nice lunch at Nordstrom’s Cafe and PT picked out some cute clothes. Speaking of cute clothes: the first thing I saw was this orange coat….the same exact coat as I bought last year in red. But I have had this hankering for an orange coat for a year — and now they make it in that color. And it was on sale for $60. So I bought it! They didn’t have it in my size, but Nordstrom will ship for free if you pay for it at the store, so a different store is shipping it. And then — I saw the cream colored one. And I bought that one too. Now I have three of the same coat. One red, one cream, one orange (will arrive in a week). Am I a whack job, or what? Here is the coat. This picture doesn’t do it justice because the lining is this really cool pattern that adds a lot to the design!

I don’t know what is wrong with me. PT can be perfectly sweet, and she bugs me. Not all the time, but there are days I just can’t tolerate anything she does. The way she talks, the way she eats, what she orders at a restaurant, how she holds her fork. I keep telling myself it is part of being a step-mom when I want my own child so badly. I feel terribly guilty when I get these bad feelings towards her. Sweet Christmas, she is 12 years old and behaving better than most 12 year olds that I have met! So what the heck is wrong with me? I need to be more conscious of this, it really isn’t fair to PT. When I married TW, I promised to take good care of her, and I really do my best. But some days it is really hard. Some days I feel selfish and wish she wasn’t around. Ugh. I feel SO guilty saying that.

I had acupuncture today, it was a quick appointment. K was running 10 minutes late and then for some reason we started blathering and by the time she put the needles in, I only had 20 minutes. She assures me that it is enough time. I have to watch it with the chatting, I can get super chatty (can you tell)?

I called the pharmacy and my meds are ready, I am going to pick them up tomorrow. I asked for the total amount: $1999.70. YIKES. However, the protocol said between $2000 and $4000 per cycle. Guess I was on the bottom range…that is a nice surprise! I am so ready to get going on this.

 

 

 

The one day wait

TW and I had a fight last night. We are so different, sometimes I wonder how we even made it this far. Our styles are different. When I have a small task to do, I like to take care of it ASAP so it is out of the way. TW on the other hand thinks, “This task is very small, I can put it off until later”. These two attitudes do not live happily with one another. I had made an appointment for him to “donate” on Friday, October 12th - delivery at 9am. His flight schedule is clear that day, PT is with her mom, and it should be a laid back day for him. However, I asked him to block off a few hours on his calendar that morning so that the dispatchers wouldn’t schedule him for a flight. He kept saying he would do the entry on the calendar, but then I would check and nothing was put down. So last night I blew up. He kept saying it was no big deal, that he could do it later. He was just sitting in front of the TV like a lump, and he kept saying he just wanted to relax. I don’t understand how walking over to the computer (literally 5 steps from the couch), and entering two lines into his calendar precludes him from relaxing. It just makes me feel completely unsupported. Especially since he knows how wound up I am about this….everything has to be well coordinated and if he fucks up the schedule I will never let it go. He finally got up and did it but acted like I asked him to cut off his left testicle with a rusty butter knife. I was in tears. And guess what? This morning I checked the calendar, and he entered it on the wrong day. WTF! Now we have to go through this again. I don’t understand the dragging of the feet. It is extremely passive aggressive and I cannot tolerate it. I wish he would just tell me what is going on with him, but when I ask he says that I am just over reacting. Marriage is a lot of work, people! Especially when IF comes into play. This morning we were fine, he said he would fix the calendar and he apologized for his behavior last night. But I am still grumpy.

I had my blood drawn yesterday morning at 8:30am to check my FSH and E2 levels. I hope nothing horribly drastic has happened to my numbers — last year at this time my FSH was 5.6 and I was very happy with it.

I am SO glad that my IVF clinic is a mile from my work! It is going to make things very convenient. However, carrying a loaded syringe to my office with me (in a clear plastic pouch) was a little rough. I was instructed to give myself the Lup.ron injection at 4:30pm on the dot….so yes, I shot myself up at work! P leaves at 4:30pm so I waited for him to go, then I shut my office door, cleaned my belly with a sterile alcohol pad, and then poked myself. The needle went in easily - thank God for my spare tire (I never thought I would say that…). However, the plunger was a little stuck so I applied more pressure and POW it all went in at once. I thought I was supposed to gradually push the plunger in, but oh well. Nothing can be done about it now!

This morning I went back to the clinic on my way to work for my “Delta blood draw”. The Lu.pron is supposed to make my E2 levels go up by at least 3o points. If the levels don’t rise, then I can’t do IVF this cycle. Apparently the response can change month to month, so failing the test now won’t mean I am precluded from ever passing…but of course I am nervous anyway! I am in the one day wait. I will find out tomorrow whether we are doing this or not.

Irritated….no, BEYOND irritated.

Oh — first off, I was supposed to report on the First Happiness Challenge. I decided to: eat breakfast 3-4 times per week (I am NOT a breakfast person, but I was so sick of everyone telling me that breakfast is the most important meal of the day!)…ride my bike or swim 4 times a week….and walk the puppy (or take him to the dog park) every day.

I sucked at this. I was off to a good start for about a week. I learned that eating breakfast does not make me happy though….it throws me off. Somehow I am hungrier all day if I eat breakfast. Maybe I am not eating the right things? So after about a week, I said “Screw breakfast, I am happier without it!”. I guess that is part of what this challenge is all about — do what makes us happy, right?

I haven’t exercized in two weeks either. I also was great for the first two weeks, biking and swimming. Then I got a bad cold and didn’t have the energy. Then we got knee deep (literally) in crap, moving out of the big house….haven’t had time for much of anything!

Even my poor puppikins was neglected. No dog park last week (or walks) at all. I did take him on Sunday and yesterday. THAT makes me happy. I am glad I am back on track. Although this weird guy told me that my dog needs training. Yeah — YOU need training, Mister! You need someone to train you with a pinch collar they way you are abusing your dog. Also, these two guys were sitting on the bench smoking pot. ??? The dog park is a little hit or miss.

I hope others had more luck with the happiness challenge. I think the timing was bad for me

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So, we transferred our internet and cable from the big house to the little house. When we first moved, we realized that the cable company never turned off the internet or cable service! So I was originally just going to turn off the cable in the big house. However, when I spoke to the cable company, they gave me a compelling reason to transfer it over right away — 50% off for 9 months. If we waited to transfer later, it would be full price, plus set-up fees, etc. So, I pretended I didn’t know that the service was working. The CSR told me that they need to send someone out to make sure everything was working correctly. I told her that it probably wasn’t necessary since everything was working perfectly before my parents moved out. But she insisted. So, we had to make sure someone was at the house between 3pm and 5pm yesterday.

Well, everything was working perfectly when I left for work yesterday, I tested it. I even called the cable company to try to cancel the appointment, but they said it was necessary. Guess what. After the guy left, NOTHING worked. I was on the phone for a good two hours last night trying to figure out how to connect to the internet. HOW IRRITATING IS THAT??? If the a-hole hadn’t come to our house, I wouldn’t have wasted two hours of my life talking to the stupid cable people, trying to fix whatever he did to break our internet connection!!!

It doesn’t help that I am a raging lunatic from PMS. AF still hasn’t shown up!! Just spotting, spotting, spotting. No, I haven’t POAS. I refuse.

Vent.

 WARNING - PITY PARTY FOR ONE

I cannot be happy for pregnant people anymore (with a couple of rare exceptions, Kona & Brinko & Kelley — you are three of them!). And I find myself just glaring/staring at the bellies as I pass them by.

I am healthy. I am not overweight. I work out 4-5 times per week. I don’t eat crap. I get acupuncture twice a month. I don’t smoke. I take my daily vitamins. I don’t do drugs. I only drink wine (and I have basically quit as of late). I get enough sleep. I have a good job, we have a nice house. I am well educated.  I have a MS degree in counseling psychology. I am good with our money. WHY CAN’T THIS HAPPEN FOR ME??!?!?!

The other day I went to a large meeting of administrators on the college campus. It was in an auditorium. I ended up sitting next to a woman I worked with several years ago. She is grossly overweight, she is bi-sexual and not in a relationship (she lives with her mother). She drinks a lot and smokes cigarettes. She does not take care of herself AT ALL. What was the first thing out of her mouth? “Guess what - I am pregnant!”. I almost fell over.

At Starbucks this morning there was a woman sitting outside. She must have been about 100 pounds overweight and she was smoking. She had the cutest little baby with her.

Then don’t get me started on people like Nicole Ritchie and Anna Nicole Smith (may she rest in peace). Talk about two women who didn’t/don’t take care of themselves AT ALL.

I honestly feel like I am cursed. I don’t understand how I am trying to do everything right, and this one thing, this one thing that comes so naturally to everyone, will not happen for me.

I am 4DPO. I hate the 2WW.

Kids by the Dozen

I was watching this show last night called “Kids by the Dozen” on TLC. It is a show that documents a different family each time…the families have at least 12 kids. Last night there was a family in Minnesota that had SIXTEEN children. The oldest was 27 and the youngest was about 3. Of course the mom stays at home to take care of the kids, but she has lots of help (the teenage kids). The family seemed a little too enmeshed with one another, it was a little weird. Since they have so many mouths to feed, the father has to work several jobs, many of which take him away from home for long periods of time. So basically the mother is raising these kids on her own. Some of the older children have moved away to college and beyond but there are still plenty that have stuck around.

I couldn’t help but SEETHE. What are these people thinking? This woman is ALWAYS pregnant. I felt like she has usurped the fertility that I should have. Save some for other people, woman! Maybe there is only room for a certain number of souls, and since she had 16 kids, 11 or 12 people (like me) won’t be able to have them.

It just grossed me out. I don’t see the point. They were religious people (I couldn’t tell if they were Mormon or what) but they were obviously struggling for money and the mom was SO tired and stressed out. I don’t see how this life that they chose is good for any of them. Get some condoms or keep it in your pants, dad!

That is my vent for the day. I get irritated enough when I see a family with four little kids, but sixteen is just ludicrous.

The Z clinic e-mailed me to remind me of my phone consult next week, but they haven’t received my medical records yet (grrrr…I paid $60 bucks to my clinic for the request!), so if they don’t get them soon, I will have to reschedule.