Follow-up

I found this e-mail from “my friend” that I mentioned in the last post. She sent this to me after asking me how I was doing…when I answered that I wasn’t so hot, this was her response. She actually was writing me for the first time in 6 months because she wanted my parents’ e-mail address so she could see if she and her husband could stay with them in France. See? She only is in touch when things are rough and needs a shoulder to cry on, or if she needs something else from me.

You know? She was definitely already pregnant when she wrote all this bullshit to me, because she is now 4 months pregnant and this e-mail came on April 30th. But I guess she chickened out telling me because you should have seen the e-mail I wrote her back. I ripped her a new one, but in such a way that she probably didn’t realize it. (I can be polite when I need to be).

I am so sorry you are down about getting pregnant. This probably isn’t going to be much help, but in the celebrity magazines (I like flipping thru the pictures at night in bed and being catty about it with DH, ha ha) I keep reading how certain celebs try 2, 3 sometimes 4 times before it happens –and even some give up and then presto, it happens on it’s own. Stress is such a big factor.  Also, I hope your place has a good track record cus DH keeps telling me about this place he found in the area that ‘guarantees’ you will get pregnant (going full term is another story). Let me know if you want the info. I’m sure you’ve already read every book on the planet, but I read somewhere it also depends what you eat that day/week -something about changing the chemistry in the uterus. Seems to me they are implanting you with fertilized embryos, so I would think it’s some slight chemical imbalance down there that needs to be worked out. What do they tell you?

Great advice, huh? AND, I would have never guessed she was pregnant since she mentioned the IVF clinics that her husband has researched…I thought they were still thinking about IVF. She is so clueless!  It all depends what I eat that day. And I need to stop stressing out. And, they are “implanting me with fertlized embryos” … so I must have a slight chemical imbalance. That is why I am not pregnant yet. God, I don’t care if I never talk to her again. Seriously.

Follie Report Part Deux and Emotional Upheaval (Updated)

 ***UPDATED **

It is very strange. In some ways I feel totally normal. Like I can’t tell that I have all these weird hormones coursing through my body. I have barely any physical symptoms, none of the ones I was warned about. But my temper. And my tears. I am on a very short fuse. VERY.SHORT. Last night I brought some cookies home that one of my co-workers had made. I had tasted one earlier in the day and didn’t really care for it, but brought some home for TW and PT in case they would like them. I brought 4 cookies home. I served up dinner, and afterwards I asked them if they wanted a cookie. They both said they did, so I got up and brought one back for each of them. They gobbled them up. Then PT asked TW if he wanted another one. So she went into the kitchen and brought one back for each of them. Mind you, I had no desire to eat one of the cookies. But I said, ”How many are left” (knowing full well that there weren’t any left). Both PT and TW immediately offered me their cookie, and I started to cry. I told them I didn’t want the cookie, which was true. But I was crying like a baby. I wanted them to offer me a cookie before they took the last two. This is common courtesy, right? Especially after I brought the cookies home in the first place. But crying about it instead of telling them how I feel? I am acting like a baby. And I know it. But I can’t help it. Then to make things worse, I got up to take their dishes to the kitchen, and TW grabbed my sweats and pants-ed me. He does this ALL THE TIME, and I usually just pull them up and walk away. It bugs me but he thinks it is hilarious. He has done this about a thousand times since I have known him. This was NOT the right night to do this. I turned into Linda Blair in the exorcist. I think my head spun around 5 times and I am surprised I didn’t projectile vomit all over him. But I screamed. SCREAMED. “DON’T FUCKING DO THAT TO ME!!!!! IT IS SO DISRESPECTFUL!!! DON’T FUCKING DO IT!!!” I was hysterical. I couldn’t stop crying. I was sobbing and could barely breathe. I ran into my room and belly flopped on the bed, and buried my head in the pillows. Amazingly, TW chased after me. He crawled on the bed and took the pillows off my head, and covered my face in kisses. He said he was sorry and said he wouldn’t bug me anymore. He apologized that they took the cookies without asking if I wanted one. He told me to come back to the family room when I felt better. And after 10 minutes I did. I had let it all out. And I felt better.

Had another u/s this morning. Dr. P was there, he seemed like he was in a good mood. The nurse who told me it was impossible to have a cyst on Lup.ron was there too…I had to bite my tongue from explaining that one CAN have a cyst on Lu.pron according to the doctor! I just let it go.

Here is the follie report: Right ovary - 18mm, 18mm, 17mm, 13. Left ovary - 17mm, 16mm, 13mm, 11mm. The left is a little slow on the uptake, huh? But, it is what it is. They gave me one more shot of Folli.stim (225 units) this morning, and sent me back to the crazy pharmacy to pick up one more 300 IU vial just in case I need it (or to return to the clinic, since I ‘borrowed’ some of theirs this morning). I feel like I am bleeding money! But as long as that is the only thing I am bleeding, I can handle it. E2 report will be coming in a few hours. They think I will trigger tonight or tomorrow night. Retrieval will be on Thursday or Friday - I am FREAKING out! I decided to take all of next week off (well the 3 days I would have normally worked)…then we have Thanksgiving on Thursday/Friday. God, I am so nervous.

**UPDATE**. My E2 was 1264 and I got an e-mail that my stimming is over. Yahoo! I am to take 10,000 units of HcG tonight at 11:30 PST exactly. My egg retrieval will be at 11am on Thursday!

The pharmacy I go to is worse than the post office. There are about 10 people working like bees behind the scenes, and only one girl at the register. Every time I go, they say that they are “getting my stuff ready”.  How hard is it to get a box of Folli.stim ready? It isn’t like they have to do anything…no counting of pills, or measuring anything. But whatever. It is what it is. This is my new motto: IT IS WHAT IT IS.

So, I plunked down on the chair, waiting for them to get whatever ready that they needed to get ready. I picked up my book: “Happiness Sold Separately” (I am a couple of books behind on the Barren Bitches Book Brigade). I was reading a particularly poignant passage where the main character was reflecting on how she treated her husband during fertility treatments, and whether she had driven him to have an affair…she was describing the way her marriage had deteriorated before her eyes. I felt so fearful, like it was happening to my marriage before my eyes. And if it does happen, it would be mostly my fault. I know it, and I want to stop it, but I can’t. Well, I hope I can. Maybe I can? I was on the brink of tears. And then a mom came and sat down next to me with her adorable two year old. They had to wait for the pharmacy to get their stuff ready too. So she asked the little boy if he wanted to read a book, and he said he did. So she pulled a copy of Thomas the Train out of her bag and started reading it out loud to him. I could see the little boy in profile, he had creamy skin that I just wanted to touch. And his eyelashes were longer than any that I have ever seen. And he had that little soft baby voice. My heart just melted. And the mom came to a passage where Thomas served tea and cupcakes to his friends. And the little boy said, “I love tea and cupcakes” in his tiny voice. It was too much for me. My eyes sprang a leak and I had to exit stage right to compose myself.

Please let me be a mom. Please.

The Truth

The last few nights TW & I got into it. This is the first time in a while that we fought about IF. The other night he really made me mad…He accused me of being so focused on IVF that I was letting other important things go. Like being a step mother. WTF? I was so livid I could barely even talk. I told him that he is always so focused on PT that nothing else matters…but deep down I wonder if I will feel the same way if (when) I have a baby? Will I be so focused on my baby that nothing else will matter to me? I honestly hope not. But after wanting this for so long, if (when) it really happens, I don’t know that I can make any promises.

Here is what started the argument. A couple of weeks ago I brought up the fact that PT was starting puberty. I am quite sure that she will have her period any minute. A couple of moms from PT’s school took their 6th grade girls to this pre-teen class at the local children’s hospital. It is for moms and daughters. I told TW about it and he said it sounded like a good idea. I also told him that I was going to talk to PT about her period and ask her if she wants to carry a pad around in her back-pack, in case it happens at school.

This is a very mother/daughter moment….getting your period for the first time. The fact is, PT has a mother. I am not sure if her mother has talked to her about any of this, but after thinking about it a little harder, I realized that maybe I don’t want to be the one to talk to PT about it. I think PT would want to talk to her mother about it, and her mother would want to talk to PT about it. I don’t want to step on any toes. I am happy to talk to her in addition to anything her mom says, but I didn’t want to be the first one. So I sat on it and didn’t do anything.

So, the other night, TW and I were on our way back from a dinner party. I asked him if he took his pill for the 4th time that day (I have this obsession about asking, I guess it is more like nagging, but I am SO determined not to mess this IVF protocol up, I can’t help myself!). Instead of answering my question, TW said, “Have you talked to PT about her period yet? Have you signed her up for that class?” I said I had not, and he went through the roof. Mind you, it was MY fucking idea in the first place. I told him that I hadn’t done anything because I thought I should talk to PT’s mother first. He flipped it around and said that I hadn’t done anything because I was so obsessed with IVF that I can’t do anything that isn’t related to it. He said I am so worried about his pills that everything else has fallen off the radar. He said that I was making excuses - that I really didn’t WANT to talk to PT, that all I care about is IVF. And that once I have a baby, I better get my act together because I am going to have to think about the baby, and not just about myself. Basically that I am a self-absorbed bitch. He also added that my complaining about my headaches, and shots and appointments and whatever else — that I brought it all upon myself. That no one is forcing me to do any of this. And that I should just suck it up because it is a decision that I made. (Yes, he said it was a decision that I made on my own.)

No wonder I feel all alone in this. I actually AM all alone. I had no idea.

I didn’t continue the argument. There was no point. He had had two martinis earlier and was all fired up. Obviously he had been holding a lot of this inside, for a LONG time.

I waited a couple of days to let it pass. And I needed to gather my thoughts. So last night I brought it up and I tried to stay as calm as possible. I asked him about his statement that I made the decision and that I brought this upon myself. I told him that I though WE made the decision TOGETHER. He disagreed. He said that I was so hell bent on having a baby that he couldn’t tell me how he really felt. He would never have chosen IVF himself. He is going along with it, but inside he is kicking and screaming. I asked him if he wants a baby, and he said that he does, but that he doesn’t want to go through all these hoops to get there. He honestly feels that if it is meant to be, it will happen the “normal” way. Having sex. With his wife. Missing a period. Taking a pregnancy test. That is how he thinks it should happen, and that is still how he thinks it should happen, even after FIVE years of trying. And even after talking to the RE and the IVF doctor who told us that we would have a .0001 percent chance of ever conceiving naturally.

So. The truth. The truth is that he is doing this all for me. He is not into it. He doesn’t want to do it. He is going along with it. Because he doesn’t feel he has a choice. And he feels that since I have made this choice, that I should roll with the punches, no matter how awful it gets. He admitted that he wants to have more sympathy for me, and he wants to be empathic, but he doesn’t know how, because he really doesn’t agree with what we are doing. He thinks it is unnatural and we are using science to go against nature. What it comes down to is that he doesn’t think this was meant to be, and I am forcing it to happen.

I reminded him that he did tell me he was on board, before we paid for FOUR cycles of IVF. And that if it doesn’t work the first time, that we would do it again. And if it doesn’t work the second time, we were going to try one more time. The third time? If the third time isn’t a charm, then the fourth time it will be. He confirmed that he knew we would be doing it more than once if necessary and he told me he would do everything he needs to do to keep our chances as high as possible. But emotionally he isn’t there. He is just going through the motions because he loves me, and he knows how important it is to me. And he asked me: What happens if we do it four times and it doesn’t work. What then? Four more times? He said he can’t do it. That he is willing to do this for the four times we have committed to, but if it doesn’t work, we have to stop. And he asked me to promise. So I did.

I was weeping. Should I be grateful that he didn’t put his foot down 4 months ago and say, “Absolutely not!” when I brought up IVF? I guess so. But I don’t feel grateful. What I want is to shake him. I want to kick and scream and tell him to get his shit together. That he needs to be supportive and I need him to give me my shots, and give me a hug when I am feeling like crap, and rub my back and make me food. I want him to drive me to my appointments. I want him to ask me how I am doing! I want him to be interested in how my doctors appointments went. But he isn’t. And he doesn’t. And I can’t make him.

I married a guy who doesn’t have an emotional bone in his body. And I knew it when I married him. But I read some of these IF blogs and wonder who these guys are that go to every appointment and call the doctor themselves for test results, and give every shot and talk and talk and talk about IF with their wives. And write blogs! Who are these men?

TW is doing this for me. Just for me. Because he loves me. And he doesn’t want to stop me from trying to conceive. But he would rather not be doing this. He would rather be doing ANYTHING but this.

At least I know the truth now. But it doesn’t make it any easier.

I guess that is why I have been feeling so lonely.

Irritated….no, BEYOND irritated.

Oh — first off, I was supposed to report on the First Happiness Challenge. I decided to: eat breakfast 3-4 times per week (I am NOT a breakfast person, but I was so sick of everyone telling me that breakfast is the most important meal of the day!)…ride my bike or swim 4 times a week….and walk the puppy (or take him to the dog park) every day.

I sucked at this. I was off to a good start for about a week. I learned that eating breakfast does not make me happy though….it throws me off. Somehow I am hungrier all day if I eat breakfast. Maybe I am not eating the right things? So after about a week, I said “Screw breakfast, I am happier without it!”. I guess that is part of what this challenge is all about — do what makes us happy, right?

I haven’t exercized in two weeks either. I also was great for the first two weeks, biking and swimming. Then I got a bad cold and didn’t have the energy. Then we got knee deep (literally) in crap, moving out of the big house….haven’t had time for much of anything!

Even my poor puppikins was neglected. No dog park last week (or walks) at all. I did take him on Sunday and yesterday. THAT makes me happy. I am glad I am back on track. Although this weird guy told me that my dog needs training. Yeah — YOU need training, Mister! You need someone to train you with a pinch collar they way you are abusing your dog. Also, these two guys were sitting on the bench smoking pot. ??? The dog park is a little hit or miss.

I hope others had more luck with the happiness challenge. I think the timing was bad for me

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So, we transferred our internet and cable from the big house to the little house. When we first moved, we realized that the cable company never turned off the internet or cable service! So I was originally just going to turn off the cable in the big house. However, when I spoke to the cable company, they gave me a compelling reason to transfer it over right away — 50% off for 9 months. If we waited to transfer later, it would be full price, plus set-up fees, etc. So, I pretended I didn’t know that the service was working. The CSR told me that they need to send someone out to make sure everything was working correctly. I told her that it probably wasn’t necessary since everything was working perfectly before my parents moved out. But she insisted. So, we had to make sure someone was at the house between 3pm and 5pm yesterday.

Well, everything was working perfectly when I left for work yesterday, I tested it. I even called the cable company to try to cancel the appointment, but they said it was necessary. Guess what. After the guy left, NOTHING worked. I was on the phone for a good two hours last night trying to figure out how to connect to the internet. HOW IRRITATING IS THAT??? If the a-hole hadn’t come to our house, I wouldn’t have wasted two hours of my life talking to the stupid cable people, trying to fix whatever he did to break our internet connection!!!

It doesn’t help that I am a raging lunatic from PMS. AF still hasn’t shown up!! Just spotting, spotting, spotting. No, I haven’t POAS. I refuse.

Apologies and another vent

I am sorry if I offended any preggo ladies and also ladies that are overweight. I know that the weight issue is a difficult one. I have struggled with my weight my whole life, and have a horrible body image. I have read on a lot of the IVF clinic sites that a BMI of under 25 is ideal for IVF, and I am just on the edge…24.5….so I guess I am on the high end of normal. I would love to have a BMI of 20 or 21. If I weighed 116 pounds my BMI would be 21.9 -but that would mean I would have to lose 15 pounds. I weighed 121 on my wedding day and felt great. I am now 131 pounds. Even if I lost 10 pounds I would be really happy, but it is just SO hard. I work out and try to watch what I eat but my metabolism isn’t what it used to be.

My mom has always put pressure on me about my weight. I am only 5 foot 1 or so, so even 5 pounds looks like a lot on me. I remember when I was 12 years old my mom stocked the freezer up with Lean Cuisine for me….and she used to always say, “I don’t know why you are so chubby, it doesn’t look like you eat that much!” I remember when I was little, when my uncle would be at our house - he would poke my tummy during meals and say, “If you keep eating like this you will get fat!” Ugh. Good times! Needless to say I have always been hyper sensitive about eating and my weight. I remember visiting my parents in France (they live there 9 months out of the year) a couple of years ago, and we were looking over the menu at a restaurant for lunch. My mom said, ‘Oh look Babystep! They have a ‘Fitness Plate’!” I was so pissed! I was like, “Yeah, what is your point?” — it was a plate with cottage cheese and tomato or something equally vile. I was in France for Christ’s sake, I wanted steak tartare and fries and lots of wine! Watch out if you are eating a meal with me and you make a comment on my clean plate or that my serving is huge — I go into outer orbit. TW learned that the hard way!

To make things more difficult I am a complete foodie and can eat most men under the table.

Anyway, I didn’t mean to say that people who are overweight don’t deserve to get pregnant and have babies, that was not my intention at all. I have just been really trying to watch it over the last 4 years thinking that it would help if I was in good shape, and obviously it hasn’t done anything for me.

I am 5DPO and I HATE the two week wait. I start going completely mental. I am super sensitive. Last night we had a softball game (playoffs) — I am on a co-ed team. It is a pretty big league and people bring their kids to watch, etc. I was surrounded by cute families — dad’s throwing balls to their toddlers, little babies in strollers and sitting on their parents’ laps. I watch the secret exchanges between a mom and a baby and I just YEARN. I wonder if I will ever feel that connection with a baby of my own. It makes me feel really empty and sad. I was also watching this young dad, all dressed up in soccer clothes and his toddler of about two wearing a matching soccer outfit. They were kicking the ball back and forth to one another and it was just the cutest thing. I think it would be amazing if TW had a son. They would rough house and play baseball — things that TW does with PT but it would be completely different with a little boy. Of course if I have a little girl I would be ecstatic too - I really just want a healthy child.

I sat next to a guy, about my age, who has been with his girlfriend (she is 41 and has a 20 year old son from a prior relationship) for about 4 years. He was telling me that he has told her at the 5 year mark he will make the decision on whether to get married or not. I asked him if he had any kids and he doesn’t. He said he would like to. And I thought — WATCH them get pregnant without even trying. And I felt sad for myself. Of course then the conversation turned to me, and he told me that PT has grown so much in the last three years (since I started playing softball). We talked about her for a bit, and he said, “Don’t you want any kids of your own“? I HATE THAT QUESTION. It implies that I don’t want kids of my own, that I have made a conscious decision NOT to have kids. Of course I don’t go into any gory details with people I am not close to, so my standard answer is, “We are thinking about it”.

C and P (the two people that work for me at my office) are on the softball team. C is 25 years old and engaged to the boy she has been going out with since they were 15. Her standard response to the baby question is, “GAWD no, not now! We are waiting AT LEAST 10 years.” I haven’t said anything but I want to tell her not to wait that long, that she doesn’t know how fertile she will be in 10 years, that she shouldn’t take her fertility for granted. But I don’t say anything, it really isn’t my place (plus she doesn’t know that I am going through IF hell). P is 29 years old and got married 2 years ago to his college sweet heart. They have a house and in this area that is no small feat. So they are house poor and waiting to have kids until they feel more financially stable. Again, I hope they don’t end up suffering like me and TW. If I could do it all over I would have started trying when I was first married at 32. At least we would have figured out that we had IF issues earlier on and maybe we would even have a baby by now. It is just not worth waiting until the time is “right” –you can always make an excuse to wait. That is what we did, and now we are paying the price. Of course I am not advocating young couples with no money planning to have kids when they can barely afford to feed themselves, but in P’s situation I am sure they could manage. Now — I wonder if I will be happy for them when they make their big announcement, sometime in the future? It is so sad that I always feel jealousy and bitterness first, and then just a little bit of happiness and excitement seep into my emotions. I wish it was the other way around.

I am just so bloody tired of this whole mess.