One more day (less than 24 hours!)

11dp3dt

OMG. OMG. OMG. I am on the verge of tears. I just have NO idea what the results will be, but my heart is leaning towards a BFN. Don’t people who have successful IVF cycles KNOW IT before beta? Don’t they have some sort of feeling about it? I just feel so …. NOT pregnant. Not that I know what being pregnant feels like. I am glad I haven’t POAS. Believe it or not, I am not even tempted.

Well, despite my better efforts, the evil SIL is coming here to take PT shopping today. At 3pm. She must think I am really stupid. If she truly bought a $54 jacket for PT, if she was being honest, then why the heck would she drive 3 hours down here and 3 hours back to spend another $54 dollars on a new jacket for PT. Wouldn’t she ask for the jacket back so she could try to return it herself? The truth comes out - she is a LIAR.  I am so thankful I have a 8-5 job and I can just say that I have to work, sorry, cannot participate. TW can have fun with his psychotic sister. I am going to stay late at work to avoid any contact. In the mood I am in, there is no way I can slap a smile on my face and play nice with the BEE-ATCH.

My BFF J2 called me last night. She told me that I should try the Five Senses Exercise when I need to get my mind off things. To choose five things that I will get pleasure from, one for each of the five senses: touch, sound, sight, taste, smell. Sutter Puppy fulfilled four of those things easily. I always feel better when I look at him. He was asleep when I was talking to J2 and I glanced over at him and it warmed my heart. I touched his silky soft ears and listened to him “purr” when I rubbed his belly. I smelled his puppy breath (it is starting to mutate into stinky dog breath, but there is still some puppy smell there!) and buried my face in his fur. He is as close to a baby as I have right now. The only thing I couldn’t do is the taste part! Yes, last week he French kissed me by accident - GROSS - but I opted for an ice cream sundae with chocolate sauce and whipped cream. YUM. I am supposed to do the Five Senses each day. Today I will pick things that have nothing to do with my puppy or ice cream. It is a good distraction. Thank you J2!

One more day and a wake up….and I will know the answer.

Follie Report Part Deux and Emotional Upheaval (Updated)

 ***UPDATED **

It is very strange. In some ways I feel totally normal. Like I can’t tell that I have all these weird hormones coursing through my body. I have barely any physical symptoms, none of the ones I was warned about. But my temper. And my tears. I am on a very short fuse. VERY.SHORT. Last night I brought some cookies home that one of my co-workers had made. I had tasted one earlier in the day and didn’t really care for it, but brought some home for TW and PT in case they would like them. I brought 4 cookies home. I served up dinner, and afterwards I asked them if they wanted a cookie. They both said they did, so I got up and brought one back for each of them. They gobbled them up. Then PT asked TW if he wanted another one. So she went into the kitchen and brought one back for each of them. Mind you, I had no desire to eat one of the cookies. But I said, ”How many are left” (knowing full well that there weren’t any left). Both PT and TW immediately offered me their cookie, and I started to cry. I told them I didn’t want the cookie, which was true. But I was crying like a baby. I wanted them to offer me a cookie before they took the last two. This is common courtesy, right? Especially after I brought the cookies home in the first place. But crying about it instead of telling them how I feel? I am acting like a baby. And I know it. But I can’t help it. Then to make things worse, I got up to take their dishes to the kitchen, and TW grabbed my sweats and pants-ed me. He does this ALL THE TIME, and I usually just pull them up and walk away. It bugs me but he thinks it is hilarious. He has done this about a thousand times since I have known him. This was NOT the right night to do this. I turned into Linda Blair in the exorcist. I think my head spun around 5 times and I am surprised I didn’t projectile vomit all over him. But I screamed. SCREAMED. “DON’T FUCKING DO THAT TO ME!!!!! IT IS SO DISRESPECTFUL!!! DON’T FUCKING DO IT!!!” I was hysterical. I couldn’t stop crying. I was sobbing and could barely breathe. I ran into my room and belly flopped on the bed, and buried my head in the pillows. Amazingly, TW chased after me. He crawled on the bed and took the pillows off my head, and covered my face in kisses. He said he was sorry and said he wouldn’t bug me anymore. He apologized that they took the cookies without asking if I wanted one. He told me to come back to the family room when I felt better. And after 10 minutes I did. I had let it all out. And I felt better.

Had another u/s this morning. Dr. P was there, he seemed like he was in a good mood. The nurse who told me it was impossible to have a cyst on Lup.ron was there too…I had to bite my tongue from explaining that one CAN have a cyst on Lu.pron according to the doctor! I just let it go.

Here is the follie report: Right ovary - 18mm, 18mm, 17mm, 13. Left ovary - 17mm, 16mm, 13mm, 11mm. The left is a little slow on the uptake, huh? But, it is what it is. They gave me one more shot of Folli.stim (225 units) this morning, and sent me back to the crazy pharmacy to pick up one more 300 IU vial just in case I need it (or to return to the clinic, since I ‘borrowed’ some of theirs this morning). I feel like I am bleeding money! But as long as that is the only thing I am bleeding, I can handle it. E2 report will be coming in a few hours. They think I will trigger tonight or tomorrow night. Retrieval will be on Thursday or Friday - I am FREAKING out! I decided to take all of next week off (well the 3 days I would have normally worked)…then we have Thanksgiving on Thursday/Friday. God, I am so nervous.

**UPDATE**. My E2 was 1264 and I got an e-mail that my stimming is over. Yahoo! I am to take 10,000 units of HcG tonight at 11:30 PST exactly. My egg retrieval will be at 11am on Thursday!

The pharmacy I go to is worse than the post office. There are about 10 people working like bees behind the scenes, and only one girl at the register. Every time I go, they say that they are “getting my stuff ready”.  How hard is it to get a box of Folli.stim ready? It isn’t like they have to do anything…no counting of pills, or measuring anything. But whatever. It is what it is. This is my new motto: IT IS WHAT IT IS.

So, I plunked down on the chair, waiting for them to get whatever ready that they needed to get ready. I picked up my book: “Happiness Sold Separately” (I am a couple of books behind on the Barren Bitches Book Brigade). I was reading a particularly poignant passage where the main character was reflecting on how she treated her husband during fertility treatments, and whether she had driven him to have an affair…she was describing the way her marriage had deteriorated before her eyes. I felt so fearful, like it was happening to my marriage before my eyes. And if it does happen, it would be mostly my fault. I know it, and I want to stop it, but I can’t. Well, I hope I can. Maybe I can? I was on the brink of tears. And then a mom came and sat down next to me with her adorable two year old. They had to wait for the pharmacy to get their stuff ready too. So she asked the little boy if he wanted to read a book, and he said he did. So she pulled a copy of Thomas the Train out of her bag and started reading it out loud to him. I could see the little boy in profile, he had creamy skin that I just wanted to touch. And his eyelashes were longer than any that I have ever seen. And he had that little soft baby voice. My heart just melted. And the mom came to a passage where Thomas served tea and cupcakes to his friends. And the little boy said, “I love tea and cupcakes” in his tiny voice. It was too much for me. My eyes sprang a leak and I had to exit stage right to compose myself.

Please let me be a mom. Please.

Status.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I have been thinking a lot about everything today and I am going to toughen up and forge ahead. TW is on board. He isn’t on board emotionally, and I am just going to have to deal with it. I AM grateful that he hasn’t pulled the plug on my IVF plans and that he will go along with it because it is so important to me. I will learn to handle the lack of emotional support. I get that from my girlfriends and you out there in blogland!

I had my ultrasound today, and I don’t know what to think. I feel like I got a bunch of mixed messages. Yesterday was my 6th day of stims. I have no clue where I should be …. I should have read up on it before going in. Before the doctor checked me out, I told him that I felt nervous. He told me that we may not see much, because the stims take 5-6 days to kick in. So I relaxed a little bit. When he starting looking, he counted 3 follies on the left and 4 on the right. They were measurable, but there was only one on each side that was over 10mm. He said there were lots of small ones on both sides. I felt that things looked good (what do I know, though!) but after the exam when I asked the doctor if things looked okay, he said, “No”!!! He said that he would have hoped to see more! What the fuck??? He just told me not to worry if we couldn’t see much, and then in the next breath told me that things were not progressing. I asked him if he was worried and he said, “Not yet”. I asked him if we were going to have to cancel and he said “NO”. What happened to my doctor with the great bedside manner???

They took my blood and gave me my shot. I was stressed out. I felt like crying. I pictured not responding to the meds, and having the cancel the cycle. I never thought of that before — I have always been completely textbook when it comes to responding to treatments. But I guess it is a reality I have to face. Anything is possible. I called TW on my way to work after the appointment and of course didn’t get any reaction out of him. He just told me to be patient. What was I thinking. It is so hard wanting to reach out to him, knowing he can’t give me what I need.

I got my blood results back this afternoon - after 6 days of stims, my E2 level is 180. That seems super low to me. They increased my follistim dosage back to 225 units twice per day. I had to go the pharmacy twice….in the morning I picked up another 600 IU vial, and then in the afternoon they had me pick up a 300 IU vial. This is just lasting me until Monday morning for my next u/s and blood work. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE. Pick up the pace, ovaries!

I know that things can change quickly at this point. But having never been through this, I just don’t know what to expect or how my body is going to respond.

I asked my father-in-law to take care of PT on the 13th or 14th in case we have the ER one of those days. My gut is telling me we may move it later on, depending upon how things go. You know what is funny? At first I really wanted the ER to be on a day when TW was in town. But now I don’t care. At this point I would much rather my friend M come with me and take care of me. She gets it! I have lined her up, and believe it or not, I am hoping that the ER lands on 11/13 or 14 when TW is out of town!

I e-mailed K the acupuncturist, and she told me to try to relax, that things can progress very quickly at this point. Keep breathing.

I am eating like a pig. It must be nervous eating. Each night I make myself an ice-cream sundae with whipped cream and chocolate syrup. I usually have dessert once a month, if that! When I went to the pharmacy this afternoon to pick up my meds, I stopped by this bakery while they were getting my meds ready, and got a small piece of chocolate cake to go. It will be my dessert tonight. I am going to douse it with whipped cream and strawberries. I can’t wait.

As I was waiting to pay for my meds, I saw this lady with a large bag of meds standing next to me. I saw the box of Folli.stim in her bag. She looked about my age. I was dying to say something to her, but at first I kept my mouth shut. Then the pharmacist brought my Folli.stim out and asked me if I had used it before. The lady said, “OH! I am doing the same thing”. We were done at about the same time so we walked out together and ended up chatting for about 20 minutes outside the pharmacy. She is doing IUIs with injectables at a clinic I looked into using. She has a 2 year old and she is 40 years old….they spontaneously conceived their child and thought this time it would be just as easy. Not so much. Anyway, she seemed really sweet and open, so I asked if we could exchange e-mails. And we did. She lives a little far away but works in the same town as I do. We shall see if we start up a friendship. I really wouldn’t mind. I love my blogland friends, but I don’t know anyone IRL that is going through this.

That is my status. I am going to go eat a hotdog with sauerkraut and onions, and then my chocolate cake!

The Truth

The last few nights TW & I got into it. This is the first time in a while that we fought about IF. The other night he really made me mad…He accused me of being so focused on IVF that I was letting other important things go. Like being a step mother. WTF? I was so livid I could barely even talk. I told him that he is always so focused on PT that nothing else matters…but deep down I wonder if I will feel the same way if (when) I have a baby? Will I be so focused on my baby that nothing else will matter to me? I honestly hope not. But after wanting this for so long, if (when) it really happens, I don’t know that I can make any promises.

Here is what started the argument. A couple of weeks ago I brought up the fact that PT was starting puberty. I am quite sure that she will have her period any minute. A couple of moms from PT’s school took their 6th grade girls to this pre-teen class at the local children’s hospital. It is for moms and daughters. I told TW about it and he said it sounded like a good idea. I also told him that I was going to talk to PT about her period and ask her if she wants to carry a pad around in her back-pack, in case it happens at school.

This is a very mother/daughter moment….getting your period for the first time. The fact is, PT has a mother. I am not sure if her mother has talked to her about any of this, but after thinking about it a little harder, I realized that maybe I don’t want to be the one to talk to PT about it. I think PT would want to talk to her mother about it, and her mother would want to talk to PT about it. I don’t want to step on any toes. I am happy to talk to her in addition to anything her mom says, but I didn’t want to be the first one. So I sat on it and didn’t do anything.

So, the other night, TW and I were on our way back from a dinner party. I asked him if he took his pill for the 4th time that day (I have this obsession about asking, I guess it is more like nagging, but I am SO determined not to mess this IVF protocol up, I can’t help myself!). Instead of answering my question, TW said, “Have you talked to PT about her period yet? Have you signed her up for that class?” I said I had not, and he went through the roof. Mind you, it was MY fucking idea in the first place. I told him that I hadn’t done anything because I thought I should talk to PT’s mother first. He flipped it around and said that I hadn’t done anything because I was so obsessed with IVF that I can’t do anything that isn’t related to it. He said I am so worried about his pills that everything else has fallen off the radar. He said that I was making excuses - that I really didn’t WANT to talk to PT, that all I care about is IVF. And that once I have a baby, I better get my act together because I am going to have to think about the baby, and not just about myself. Basically that I am a self-absorbed bitch. He also added that my complaining about my headaches, and shots and appointments and whatever else — that I brought it all upon myself. That no one is forcing me to do any of this. And that I should just suck it up because it is a decision that I made. (Yes, he said it was a decision that I made on my own.)

No wonder I feel all alone in this. I actually AM all alone. I had no idea.

I didn’t continue the argument. There was no point. He had had two martinis earlier and was all fired up. Obviously he had been holding a lot of this inside, for a LONG time.

I waited a couple of days to let it pass. And I needed to gather my thoughts. So last night I brought it up and I tried to stay as calm as possible. I asked him about his statement that I made the decision and that I brought this upon myself. I told him that I though WE made the decision TOGETHER. He disagreed. He said that I was so hell bent on having a baby that he couldn’t tell me how he really felt. He would never have chosen IVF himself. He is going along with it, but inside he is kicking and screaming. I asked him if he wants a baby, and he said that he does, but that he doesn’t want to go through all these hoops to get there. He honestly feels that if it is meant to be, it will happen the “normal” way. Having sex. With his wife. Missing a period. Taking a pregnancy test. That is how he thinks it should happen, and that is still how he thinks it should happen, even after FIVE years of trying. And even after talking to the RE and the IVF doctor who told us that we would have a .0001 percent chance of ever conceiving naturally.

So. The truth. The truth is that he is doing this all for me. He is not into it. He doesn’t want to do it. He is going along with it. Because he doesn’t feel he has a choice. And he feels that since I have made this choice, that I should roll with the punches, no matter how awful it gets. He admitted that he wants to have more sympathy for me, and he wants to be empathic, but he doesn’t know how, because he really doesn’t agree with what we are doing. He thinks it is unnatural and we are using science to go against nature. What it comes down to is that he doesn’t think this was meant to be, and I am forcing it to happen.

I reminded him that he did tell me he was on board, before we paid for FOUR cycles of IVF. And that if it doesn’t work the first time, that we would do it again. And if it doesn’t work the second time, we were going to try one more time. The third time? If the third time isn’t a charm, then the fourth time it will be. He confirmed that he knew we would be doing it more than once if necessary and he told me he would do everything he needs to do to keep our chances as high as possible. But emotionally he isn’t there. He is just going through the motions because he loves me, and he knows how important it is to me. And he asked me: What happens if we do it four times and it doesn’t work. What then? Four more times? He said he can’t do it. That he is willing to do this for the four times we have committed to, but if it doesn’t work, we have to stop. And he asked me to promise. So I did.

I was weeping. Should I be grateful that he didn’t put his foot down 4 months ago and say, “Absolutely not!” when I brought up IVF? I guess so. But I don’t feel grateful. What I want is to shake him. I want to kick and scream and tell him to get his shit together. That he needs to be supportive and I need him to give me my shots, and give me a hug when I am feeling like crap, and rub my back and make me food. I want him to drive me to my appointments. I want him to ask me how I am doing! I want him to be interested in how my doctors appointments went. But he isn’t. And he doesn’t. And I can’t make him.

I married a guy who doesn’t have an emotional bone in his body. And I knew it when I married him. But I read some of these IF blogs and wonder who these guys are that go to every appointment and call the doctor themselves for test results, and give every shot and talk and talk and talk about IF with their wives. And write blogs! Who are these men?

TW is doing this for me. Just for me. Because he loves me. And he doesn’t want to stop me from trying to conceive. But he would rather not be doing this. He would rather be doing ANYTHING but this.

At least I know the truth now. But it doesn’t make it any easier.

I guess that is why I have been feeling so lonely.

Dream: UPDATED

 UPDATE: I just heard back from the IVF clinic. My FSH is 8.2 and my estrogen was 43. The Lu.pron increased my estrogen by 57 points. This is a passing result. HOWEVER, I was shocked by my high FSH level. Last year it was below 6. This year it is over 8! I had no idea it would go up so much in one year. I guess that is proof positive that menopause and egg frying happens pretty quick at my “advanced age”. In any event: I passed the test! I have a call in to the financial coordinator because I am qualifyied for a multiple cycle package. They have called in my prescription for BCP, I will pick them up this afternoon. I start the BCP tomorrow. We are doing this!
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I had the WEIRDEST dream last night. I was pregnant with QUADS - Oh. My. God. I had just found out I was pregnant and had the first u/s. The doctor printed out a copy of it for me and each baby was like a miniature adult person hanging out in my uterus: my mom, my brother, my dad, and TW. I kept looking at the picture and thinking, ‘What a striking resemblance!’

Later in the dream I went to the bathroom and started to bleed. I was panicking that I was losing my babies and I knew it was because I hadn’t been using progesterone supplements. I was calling around every pharmacy to see if they had some in stock, and no one had anything. Some said that they had never heard of progesterone and didn’t know what I was talking about.

I woke up from the dream in a panic. Stress manifests in my dreams. I think I am worried about multiples from IVF (twins would be fine, but triplets or more would be REALLY hard!!), but also that I will lose my babies if my IVF clinic won’t give me extra progesterone (remember, Dr. P. claims that LPD may not exist). Having never been pregnant I just don’t know what is going to happen…fear of the unknown is the worst kind of fear in my book.

Of course, stressing about being pregnant with multiples and miscarrying is jumping the gun a little - I haven’t even started Lu.pron yet! In fact, the clinic has not even called me with my test results, so I don’t know what the heck is going to happen. I wish they would just call so I would know what the plan is. I will keep you all posted.

AF is here.

So, any of those who had been holding out hope (I wasn’t one of them)….AF has arrived in full force. I was smart last night and popped two advil before bed - one would think after the last 6 months of horrible cramps, this would be automatic for me! I hate taking meds so I try to avoid them…maybe this is why IVF is so scary to me. I don’t ever take anything even for a headache. Pumping up my hormones so my ovaries go into overdrive (ovary-drive?) has me shaking in my boots (shaking in my flip-flops).

But, I am doing it. I am calling the clinic on my way to work to schedule the lupron challenge. I am also going to pick up the sterile cup so TW can spank it. He can drop his off early - he says he will do it next week. They are going to do whatever testing they need to do (they check out the sperm to see how to best process it) and then they will freeze it for future use.

I am going to call up one of my life insurance companies and cash in a policy. My dad bought me this policy with cash value when I was 9 years old. The death benefit is only $50,000 (I have a lot more through my work), but the cash value is almost $14,000. This will be a huge help for IVF. I talked to my money guy and the policy is a terrible policy so I don’t feel so bad cashing it in. My parents are also helping out, so I should have two cycles covered including meds. Hopefully we will only need to do it twice….but we can squeeze out the $$ for one more if we really need to. Please let it work the first time!

My anxiety level is HIGH. I feel my heart pounding in my chest, and I have a weird nervous stomach. I have been like this since the consult on 9/19. I am going to tell K the acupuncturist that I need some help with my stress levels - I am sure this is not good for IVF. How is one supposed to relax during this process???

I spoke to a friend of mine from college, also a “late bloomer” in that she just got married a year and a half ago at 35. She and her husband are just starting to think about having a baby, so she went off the pill but they are trying NOT to conceive right now. They will start TTC in a year or so (I told her not to wait…) …This is the weird part: her husband has already visited 3 IVF clinics, and she says he is super excited about IVF (before they even try naturally). She said that IVF is his preferred mode of getting pregnant. Has he heard that having sex with his wife could work? I am wondering if there is more to this than meets the eye…he was married before and didn’t have any kids. Perhaps he already knows that he has a problem? C (my friend) is about 90 pounds wet, and she smokes. At first I assumed this meant it may take longer for her, but then again, look at Nichole Ritchie. Maybe if I drop 35 pounds and start smoking, we won’t have to do IVF.

The horrible part: if C calls me next month and tells me that she is preggo, I don’t know how I will handle it.

I’m BAAACK

I am back and work has started back up with a vengeance. I am realizing that maybe blogging during work won’t happen as much as I thought it could….I started this during the summer when things were very calm. Orientation is starting this week and the kids are back! I almost hit 5 of them on my way to the office because none of them look both ways before crossing the street on their bikes — didn’t they learn anything in kindergarten??

So, the weekend was okay — a little too much driving for such a short trip. And I ate like crap the WHOLE weekend. I had a burger and fries on the way up (we didn’t leave until 8pm on Friday night!), then on Saturday we were at an air show and I ate a hotdog and a slice of pizza, then that night we had burgers and fries again, the next morning I had eggs, corned beef hash, potatoes and a biscuit and then Chinese food that night. OMG, kill me now. I am back on track now, thank goodness. I swam twice this week already and had my yogurt, fruit and salad for lunch both Monday and Tuesday.

Over the weekend we hung out with two of TW’s friends. One guy has three kids - his mom confided in me about 5 years ago that he and his wife were having fertility issues - which I thought was odd since I had never met the mom before. But later that year, they announced that they were having twins. The couple themselves never told us that they had fertility treatments, but I can only assume. They now have twin 4 year olds and a two year old. I am DYING to ask them if they had “help”, but I don’t really feel comfortable, and of course TW won’t ask either.

The other friend is in the military and his wife is as well. She is on a ship for the next year, and he told us that when she returns that they are going into baby making mode. They have been married for 10 years (they were super young when they got married, now they are in their early 30s). He sounded so confident that it would just happen right away. I do hope it does, but at the same time….who knows? There are so many instances, almost every day, that my IF is on the tip of my tongue but I hold myself back from saying anything. I am debating whether I should tell more people at work…especially the two that report to me. They are both young (she is 25 and he is 2 and bright eyed and bushy tailed. He has been married for 2 years and they plan to start TTC in about 3 years. She is getting married in two weeks and doesn’t think she wants to TTC for TEN YEARS. Is it inappropriate for me to tell them what is going on? I am tempted because work is going to start getting SUPER busy and if I have to take time off for appointments, if I don’t feel well from all the meds, etc. wouldn’t it be better if they had an explanation than if they just thought I was having some sort of mental breakdown?

Had another acupuncture treatment on Monday morning. She is working on my lower back as well as “pregnancy support”. She wants me to start coming more often now that IVF is definitely in store. I really like the treatments. I went at 7:30am so I basically thought of it as one more hour of rest before work! I read the protocol for the N clinic and it is so much less complex than Dr. Z. I almost wonder if it is involved enough! For example, Dr. Z requires PIO for a while after transfer, The N Clinic only does progesterone suppositories for 12 days. I am going to ask if I can do them for longer….or I will just ask my OB. I am so curious about how the two clinics have such completely different protocols and they both claim to work magic.

Dr. Z had one of his success stories e-mail me so that I could ask questions, etc. She e-mailed me yesterday and said she has a 21 month old from her first cycle and is now 5.5 months pregnant from her 2nd cycle. We e-mailed back and forth a couple of times, and then I just got annoyed. In each of her four e-mails, she mentioned she was pregnant. Okay, I understand that she must have also gone through a lot to get pregnant, but I am just so intolerant. The first e-mail she told me she was pregnant, which was fine. The second e-mail she had to tell me she had “pregnancy brain”. The third e-mail she told me she falls asleep at 9pm because she is pregnant. The fourth e-mail she mentioned pregnancy brain again. Yes, I get it!!! You are pregnant!!!! I know that this person is supposed to instill hope in me, but I am done with her.

I do think I am having an emotional crisis. I just burst into tears b/c TW left to go to breakfast on his bike, and I am so convinced he will come back late for our appointment with the N Clinic. I told him like 50 times that he better not be late. He was ready to chop my head off.

Ugh - we are having some events for the new students at work tomorrow and Friday, and both days we planned on having a nice lunch outside under the oak trees (like we always do). Guess what: 60% chance of rain. It is the same plan every year and it NEVER rains. We never even think about a rain plan. I have 200 people coming to lunch! I have no idea what the hell we are going to do.

Our house is still exactly how it was last week. We should be packing, boxing crap up, getting rid of stuff…Salvation Army was supposed to come yesterday to pick up some furniture and they never showed up! They didn’t even call. I guess this is what we will be doing this weekend. SO much to do.

Yes, feeling a little stressed.

Stress.

I am so stressed out right now. I have to remind myself to keep breathing. I can’t sit still, I can’t concentrate on work. I have my financial and clinical consultant with Dr. Z’s office tomorrow morning at 10am. I hope I don’t lose it on the phone!

TW just called me and said we have the permits for the remodel!!! That was exciting news. I was excited for about 30 seconds. Then I just stressed out some more. We have SO MUCH TO DO. We need to go through all our shit, we need to pack, we need to store things, we need to move. I want to start this weekend but TW is dragging me out of town for a quick trip, and I really don’t want to go. How are we going to get everything done?!?!?!

My work is starting to pick up - it isn’t summer anymore. I am not ready. I still have summer on the brain.

I wonder if I am strong enough to handle IVF and a remodel at the same time.