Bad Wife - Good Step-Mom

First of all - I have to say that I agree with a lot of you - the NaComLeavMo concept is awesome and I love the comments. However, it is a shitload of work. I keep wanting to post and then I think — oh, I will check out some more blogs and make some comments. Then next thing I know, hours have gone by, and I haven’t posted, let alone read the comments that others are making on my own blog!

Reason number one that I am a bad wife (you be the judge):There is nothing in our fridge. I usually do all the grocery shopping, and I do it often. I have to drive right by our fave store on my way home from work, so I pop in to buy this or that. But for some reason over the past week, I haven’t shopped. And we have run out of everything. One would think that TW would catch a clue and maybe head to the store himself, so now it is kind of a test. How long will it take him to go to the store? Yesterday morning he wanted to make some sort of scramble. We had two eggs. And the only other thing he could find that would “go” with the eggs was baby carrots. So he made a baby carrot scramble. I thought it was pretty funny. Poor guy. I don’t think that a carrot scramble will be the new rage on the local breakfast menus.

Reason number two that I am a bad wife (you be the judge):I asked TW what he was going to get me for my birthday (which is tomorrow, by the way).  He responded, “I asked PT and she thought that a $50 gift certificate to Nordstrom would be the perfect gift”. I almost choked, then I started to cry (literally), then I tried to stab him in the eye with my half eaten corn on the cob. Nothing says, “I don’t like you very much” than a gift certificate to Nordstrom. Okay, nothing against Nordstrom, I actually do shop there quite a bit. But it is SO unimaginative. And, $50 would buy me one pant leg, maybe, if it is on sale. I know that PT thinks that $50 would buy her a car, but still. Why would he take a 12 year old’s advice? It turned into a big “to do” with tears on my end and anger on his. I came across as a crazy, greedy, bitch. And TW was like a deer in the headlights. Should I be such an ingrate? I mean — we are going through a hell of a remodel and bleeding money like stuck piggy banks. But truly, if he feels like he cannot afford to buy anything more than $50 for my birthday, I think we should just forgo the presents. I told him he could buy me a nice card. He could give me a foot rub or a back rub. He could cook me dinner AND do all the dishes. He could do some research and figure out a place we can hike with the dog, and take a picnic. There are lots of free or almost free things he could do. $50 would even buy me a mani/pedi/eyebrow job at my favorite salon. He just has to use his pea sized brain to figure it out. The figuring out is what counts…don’t you think? But I still do feel like a bad wife since he really wasn’t expecting such a violent reaction from such an innocent conversation. But he should know by now: I.LOVE.MY.BIRTHDAY. LOVE.LOVE.LOVE. So a $50 GC just doesn’t cut it.

Why I am a good step-mom - reason 1: I took X to the hospital yesterday. I drove 30 minutes, picked her and PT up, took X to the hospital, dropped PT off at school. I took the day off work to do it so I could be ready to pick X up when she needed a ride. I had to get her prescription, sit with her while she got her discharge instructions, get her into the car, get her into her apartment, set her up on the couch. I went to Trader Joe’s to get her some soup because she couldn’t eat solid food until after the general wore off completely. She thought someone was bringing food over but no one showed up. I also had to stay with her for 4 hours in case she had any trouble. At one point during the discharge instructions, the nurse put her hand on my arm and said, ‘You are such a good friend’. And X said, ‘Yes, she is’. It just felt so odd to hear her say that. This was a very emotional day for me, lots of mixed feelings bubbling up. I can’t hate her, but she has been so awful to us. And now she has cancer, and she has no one to turn to, except for the woman that her ex married. It is very strange.

Why I am a good step-mom - reason 2: I sat through an hour and a half of GRUELING music at the elementary school. It is so hard for me to even go there - because I look around at all the parents feeling like a fish out of water. I am the only woman that hasn’t pushed one of the kids out of my birth canal. I cannot even pretend to enjoy these fucking concerts. I look at my watch every 5 minutes and I physically cringe when someone misses a note. Everyone else thinks it is just adorable. And they clap and cheer and holler and take movies and pictures. Would I feel the same if one of my bio kids was up on the stage?? PT was in the very back row so we could barely see her. She wouldn’t have even known if we had left. I had to listen to the fucking songs that she practices every day. The dog howls so loud that he drowns out the viola that she is playing completely off tune. You know that corn cob I wanted to stab TW with? I wish I had had it so I could have poked my own ears out. So, I was watching this damn concert…and I noticed that every single kid at PT’s school is unattractive. Seriously. There are maybe 2 or 3 cute kids. Out of hundreds. What is the deal with that? How can there be so many ugly kids in one school? You would think that the law of averages would dictate that there would be 50% better than average and 50% below average. But truly, these kids are almost all below average. Someone hit them with an ugly stick. The girls have unibrows and mustaches. And the boys look like girls. Maybe it is the water. Okay - maybe I am not such a great step-mom after all. I was trying to prove I was a good step-mom because I sat through the concert, so give me a couple of points for that. 

I start Lu.pron shots tomorrow. I cannot believe I am starting IVF cycle #3. I am SO bored with the whole thing. Oh, the other day when I went to the clinic for some reason or other…I noticed that outside the clinic smells like dirty vagina. I know that is completely and totally disgusting to say. I think it is some sort of vile flower that grows on the trees. Have you ever entered the stall in the ladies room after an old lady has used it…and there is that ….. SMELL? It smells just like that. I truly hope my hootchie never smells like that. I will give TW the corn cob to kill me if it does. I just thought of the perfect birthday present for me. TW has his appointment tomorrow to whack off and deliver the goods to the clinic. How about he does it without complaining, and he gets to the lab on time, for once. That would make my day.

 

 

Advice from someone in a BAD MOOD

1. If you are a personal trainer and you teach a class in strength training, please be someone that can inspire. Don’t show up to class 50 pounds overweight, with flab on your FOREARMS, a bad dye job, 6 rolls on your belly, and 5 chins. Don’t tell me on the first day of class that you used to look different, you used to be in good shape. Don’t sit on your rump the whole time you teach class, watching us work our asses off. Don’t say, “And UP and hold, hold, hold and UP and hold, hold, hold” in the same monotonous voice because you are too fucking lazy to count. When you send us on our way to do the free weights, don’t sit on the bench and rub a feign knee injury, like that is the reason you don’t burn more than 12.5 calories a day. Let’s face it. You are a LAZY whore. How did you get this job? How could you be PAID for this? How could you make me PAY for this? And don’t ask me if everything is okay when I march out 30 minutes after class starts. NO. Things are NOT okay. And NO, I am NOT coming back.

2. If you already look like a pig, with a bald head and the most porcine nose I have ever seen, do not wear a light pink shirt with a pink tie to emphasize your porkishness. Do not stand in front of a room of people giving a presentation about your new CRM software. Instead of listening, we will fixate on your shirt, too taught to button at the bottom, and the pale, white skin covered in red hair sticking through the gap. By the way, your black pin-stripe suit from 1982, really needs a belt to go with it. We will stare at your wedding ring and wonder who, who, WHO is unfortunate enough to share your matrimonial bed. I guess she is unfortunate unless she happens to be Ms. Piggy. She is probably home now, suckling your 8 children, one on each teat. Bet you rush home every night for your slop. Do you have a rat named Templeton in your pen that forages after you are done?

3. If you are the bio mother to someone who now has a step-mother. BE NICE. Don’t call CPS on her. Don’t tell your daughter that she is evil. Don’t call her to yell at her and threaten that if the girl ever calls her “Mommy” again, there will be hell to pay. Because you know what? You may get breast cancer some day. And you don’t have any friends. And who will you need to call for help? That would be HER. And she is going to help, but she won’t forget.

Oh No.

Anyone see the movie “Stepmom“? It is such a good movie. Susan Sarandon plays a mom extraordinaire who is divorced from a pretty good guy played by Ed Harris. Ed Harris gets engaged to Julia Roberts. There are two kids, a 13 year old girl and a 7 year old boy (or something like that) that are in a shared custody arrangement. Susan Sarandon gets cancer and the family has to come together, despite the differences between the two powerful women in the story. I have watched this movie probably a dozen times. And at the end I always bawl. I think being a stepmom and watching it brings up different feelings than it would for others, but still, I highly recommend.

A little history: TW and PT’s mom (I will call her X) never got married. He was in the Marines, and as Marines do, frequented the local watering hole when he was stationed here or there. X was a frequent lurker at the watering hole, hoping to catch a Marine or two. They got together whenever TW was in town, and at one point she moved to AZ when he was stationed there. The truth of the matter is that they didn’t really get along all that well, but they liked having sex. Clearly they had unprotected sex because PT was the result of this on-again, off-again relationship. X announced she was pregnant. TW said she needed to decide what to do, and he would be on board. X decided to keep the baby and TW left the Marines (he had done his required term). They moved in together and TW supported her through her pregnancy. He wanted to see if marriage should be an option for them. When the baby was born, X sounds like she had post-partum depression, because the story goes that she didn’t get out of bed. TW was in grad school and working, he would feed everyone breakfast and get back early evening. X would still be in bed, the baby would be screaming in a filthy diaper, the house would be a wreck. TW would clean up, cook dinner, feed everyone, and the whole thing would start again the next day. Finally he started taking the baby to his mom’s during the day so that she would get some TLC since X seemed to be unable to parent.

Things got even worse. TW and X started fighting like cats and dogs. TW ended up moving out and there was a horrific court battle over custody. As is the case many times, the courts sided with X and she got much more custody than TW. Over the years TW started getting more and more custody and currently it is split 50/50. Some highlights of X’s behavior:

• Called Child Protective Services on TW when PT was 2 years old and launched a huge child abuse investigation which was thrown out due to lack of evidence. But not until after they interviewed TW’s co-workers, the teachers, family members, etc. Totally humiliating and horrible. X said that PT came home with a cigarette burn on her arm (TW doesn’t smoke) and that her vagina was always sore and red when she got back from a visit with him. The doctors concluded that the sore vagina was due to long soaks in cheap bubble bath at X’s house. The “cigarette burn” was actually a burn from X’s kitchen. X even called TW towards the end of the saga to apologize, saying she had no idea it would get so out of control. She admitted that she lied.
• X put TW in jail for the weekend. It was TW’s official weekend for custody, and he was on his way to pick PT up on Friday after work. He called X when he was on the way, and said he was 20 minutes out. X said that he should just turn around because she was taking PT to Texas for the weekend. TW said “It is MY weekend” and that he was coming to get her. So TW got to X’s house and the cops were waiting for him. He had a copy of the court order in his car (he always had to have it on him because of X’s antics) and showed the cops. X had a copy of a letter she wrote to her attorney asking permission to take PT to Texas. The letter was just a letter asking permission. The judge hadn’t even seen it, there was no court order or response. X was hysterical saying that TW was trying to kidnap her daughter. They cuffed TW and threw him in the back of the car. They said that the judge would clear it up if it really was his weekend. They carted him off to jail, and since it was Friday at 5pm, he had to wait until Monday morning to speak to the judge to get released.
• She called CPS on me. When TW and I first moved in together, PT was in kindergarten. I arrived home from work and there was a note on the door, saying that CPS had come by for a home check. We were to call within 24 hours. We called, and they said there had been an anonymous complaint and that an investigation was launched. We went through about a month of interviews and visits and they threw the case out. One day the CPS social worker stopped by unannounced and it was like a Norman Rockwell scene: hot chocolate and board games in front of the fire, Grandfather was over for the day, dog sleeping on the hearth. They even said that when they visited X’s house, they were more concerned about the child’s wellbeing because of the filth and bad neighborhood that they lived in. I know it was an anonymous “tip” but who else would have called CPS?
• There was a court assessment for changing custody. Luckily X was too stupid to realize you cannot tell a 5 year old to lie because they will usually fuck it up. In the court document it is recorded that PT said to the court assessor, “My mommy made me promise that I would tell you that I don’t like my dad and that I don’t want to live with him anymore”. Ha!
• We asked X if we could take PT a few hours early on a Friday so we could take her to Disneyland for her birthday. X said it would be fine so we bought a non-refundable package travel deal. Then two weeks before we were supposed to go, I sent an e-mail reminding her and she said that she never gave us permission. She said that she was throwing a big birthday party for PT and the invitations were already out. Mind you, we were picking up PT a couple of hours early on a FRIDAY. (We were going to take PT out of 1st grade for the day). X claimed that the party was at 9am on a school day. But in any event, we didn’t have formal permission so we had to lose the money, AND PT lost out on going to Disneyland.
• More minor incidents include X keeping PT out of school whenever she gets wind that TW is going to chaperon a field trip. This has happened multiple times. TW ran a couple of girl scout meetings and PT didn’t show up on those days. She never brings her to team practice for sports, never checks her homework, says horrible things about me and TW to PT on a frequent basis (for example she told PT that her dad didn’t want her, and that he tried to force her to have an abortion).

The last two or three years, things have calmed down quite a bit. X got a real job (prior jobs were day-care aide, changing poopie diapers) as a 2nd grade teacher. She started allowing PT to participate in after school activities and TW and X have even been amicable enough that they call each other for help if one or the other is busy and need transportation for PT. Which has been HUGE. I have even met X for lunch a couple of times. I thought it would soften her up a bit, and I think it did. And we actually had a pretty nice time. I realized that if circumstances were different, we may have even had a friendship.

X has breast cancer. I found out yesterday. I feel so awful and guilty because I used to have horrible, horrible thoughts about the woman. Like wishing she would disappear. Wishing she would meet some guy and run away forever. Wanting to plant drugs in her house so she would go to jail. (I don’t know if I can even type the next one…) Hoping that she would die in a plane crash. My life would be SO much easier if she didn’t exist. That is how I felt daily when I first got engaged to TW. To the point that I wished I had known what a bitch she was because I would have rethought the whole marriage/stepmom thing.

But as I say, things have really gotten better.

I saw X this morning at an event for the girls. TW told me last night that she has cancer (she told him), but being a GUY, he really didn’t know what to say to her. So I talked to her about what was going on, what her prognosis is, what her treatment plan is. She puts on a pretty good public face. She just found out on Wednesday. I was tearing up and then she started too. I gave her a big hug. I told her that if she needed ANYTHING, I would be there for her. Her family is far away, and she isn’t seeing anyone. Her only friends are work friends. She doesn’t have a good support network.

I just feel awful. I hope she makes it out alright. I know that women survive breast cancer all the time now, but it is so SCARY. And I worry about PT if her mom gets really sick. They are so attached to each other, a bond that I have always been really jealous of. And one that I know I won’t be able to replicate if something happens to X. I wonder what our lives will be like, if X dies and PT lives with us full time. I wonder if I will be able to handle it. I wish I could look into the future right now.

Happy Valentine’s Day

I actually got flowers - last night. TW went to the grocery to pick up milk and came back with a little pot with a baby rose plant in it. It was sweet, I don’t think I have gotten flowers for valentine’s day from him before! Of course C at work got flowers as a surprise this morning at home and then she got two dozen roses delivered today! That girl gets flowers once a month or more - I kid you not. She is married to her highschool sweet heart, they have been together since they were 15 and they are now 25…they are too cute it makes me want to throw up.

Today I hosted a big event at work, and I am absolutely exhausted. The visitors are here for half the day tomorrow as well, and can I tell you that I have never been so happy to have a three day weekend. Although, next week I have to do it all again as we have another event on Thursday/Friday (and it may rain to make things even more interesting!). In any event, on my way home from work, I decided to pop into the grocery to pick up some surprises for TW and PT. I got Valentine’s cards, heart sugar cookies in pink and purple and their favorite sushi. I brought everything home and told PT that all I asked was to have two pieces of her sushi (out of the 12 in the tray). Well, about 15 minutes later I look at her and she is scarfing down the last piece of sushi. I was livid!!! Did I have the right to be livid? I asked her why she didn’t save me any and she said she forgot. TW rushed to her defense and said no one is perfect, and that we all forget things. I am sorry but I don’t forget things! Truly, Truly, I don’t forget things. Ever. I almost started crying…I feel so forgotten so often!

Then I felt like a total bitch because PT is sick. She didn’t say anything, but she sounded congested and she kept asking if she could go to bed (which is HIGHLY unusual because she usually fights to stay up as late as we will let her). I thought she was trying to avoid studying and doing homework, but I finally broke out the digital thermometer (actually, my BBT thermometer that I don’t use anymore) and she has a fever of 102.7!!

Anyway, I guess the good news is that TW was able to deliver his back-up sperm sample without a hitch today. The IVF clinic called to tell me they got two vials and everything looks good. That made me breathe a little easier because I know TW won’t be around for my procedures. I lined up a good friend instead. And PT is with her mom. So I will take a couple of days off, read trashy mags and gab with my friend, watch episodes of My So Called Life, and movies from the DVR like Never Been Kissed, Lucky 7 (A favorite Lifetime Movie), and Overboard - that classic with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.

My last BCP is tonight — continue Lupron through trigger the week of 3/2. I start stimming on 2/22 as long as everything looks good at baseline on 2/20.

So frustrated!

Pre-teens are TOUGH. PT and I got into it last night. I got home from work and my FIL was with her, playing a board game. They said homework was all done, and everyone seemed really relaxed. To make everything even better, PT broke the bow for her Viola so she can’t play (HALLELUJAH!). Isn’t that awful? I just cannot stand it when she plays viola, it makes me want to kill myself. And the dog howls too, so it isn’t just me. Anyway, we were relaxed and happy, PT was a little chatty and hyper. She sat with me while I cooked dinner (I made a huge pot of soup from the roasted chicken I made the other night…nothing like homemade chicken soup!). She helped me peel potatoes and carrots and we were getting a long great.

Then TW called on his way home from work and I guess he asked more questions about homework. OOOPS. PT then announced she had a vocab test the next day, but she forgot the book. I could hear TW yelling on his end of the phone (this is a a struggle we have two or three times a week: PT decides she doesn’t need to bring a book home from school because she did the homework and thinks she is ready for the test without studying). We get in fights about it all the time. We tell her that she HAS to bring the book home even if she thinks she is ready and that it doesn’t hurt to study a little more. But then the next time, she doesn’t bring her book home….again.

Last night was so frustrating. PT told her dad that she was ready for the vocab test and that is why she didn’t bring her book home. She needed to know the definitions, synonyms and antonyms for 20 words. So TW told her to write it all down. And guess what. She only remembered 10 words and only the meanings for three of them. GOOD JOB. The test was first thing in the morning, so it wasn’t like she could study at recess or lunch.

And the most infuriating part? PT has a “student planner” where she is supposed to write down all her homework assignments, tests, etc. When you look in that damned planner, she draws smiley faces all over the place, writes down things like, “Bake Sale” and “PE” but she doesn’t think to write “Vocab Test” down. I asked her why she doesn’t write her vocab tests down, and her response was, “We have a vocab test every Friday, so why do I need to write it down?” ARRRRRGHHHH!

We are trying to tell her that good study habits are SO important before 7th grade starts. She doesn’t care, or doesn’t get it. It is so hard for me because I was such a good student, I ate it all up, I studied extra, I did all my homework, I got extra credit, it just came so easy for me. So I don’t get this satisfaction with mediocrity that PT has. She brought a report card home and it was filled with B- and C+ and was totally happy with it. I know that the report card isn’t horrible (it could be way worse), but we know she has the potential to get all A’s. She just doesn’t care.

This is one place where we see how little influence we actually have. PT is with us half the time.  Her mother doesn’t do homework with her, doesn’t check it, doesn’t ask if it is done. So half the time, PT is left to her own devices. The other half the time, we are trying to make up for that. It is TOUGH.

The Truth

The last few nights TW & I got into it. This is the first time in a while that we fought about IF. The other night he really made me mad…He accused me of being so focused on IVF that I was letting other important things go. Like being a step mother. WTF? I was so livid I could barely even talk. I told him that he is always so focused on PT that nothing else matters…but deep down I wonder if I will feel the same way if (when) I have a baby? Will I be so focused on my baby that nothing else will matter to me? I honestly hope not. But after wanting this for so long, if (when) it really happens, I don’t know that I can make any promises.

Here is what started the argument. A couple of weeks ago I brought up the fact that PT was starting puberty. I am quite sure that she will have her period any minute. A couple of moms from PT’s school took their 6th grade girls to this pre-teen class at the local children’s hospital. It is for moms and daughters. I told TW about it and he said it sounded like a good idea. I also told him that I was going to talk to PT about her period and ask her if she wants to carry a pad around in her back-pack, in case it happens at school.

This is a very mother/daughter moment….getting your period for the first time. The fact is, PT has a mother. I am not sure if her mother has talked to her about any of this, but after thinking about it a little harder, I realized that maybe I don’t want to be the one to talk to PT about it. I think PT would want to talk to her mother about it, and her mother would want to talk to PT about it. I don’t want to step on any toes. I am happy to talk to her in addition to anything her mom says, but I didn’t want to be the first one. So I sat on it and didn’t do anything.

So, the other night, TW and I were on our way back from a dinner party. I asked him if he took his pill for the 4th time that day (I have this obsession about asking, I guess it is more like nagging, but I am SO determined not to mess this IVF protocol up, I can’t help myself!). Instead of answering my question, TW said, “Have you talked to PT about her period yet? Have you signed her up for that class?” I said I had not, and he went through the roof. Mind you, it was MY fucking idea in the first place. I told him that I hadn’t done anything because I thought I should talk to PT’s mother first. He flipped it around and said that I hadn’t done anything because I was so obsessed with IVF that I can’t do anything that isn’t related to it. He said I am so worried about his pills that everything else has fallen off the radar. He said that I was making excuses - that I really didn’t WANT to talk to PT, that all I care about is IVF. And that once I have a baby, I better get my act together because I am going to have to think about the baby, and not just about myself. Basically that I am a self-absorbed bitch. He also added that my complaining about my headaches, and shots and appointments and whatever else — that I brought it all upon myself. That no one is forcing me to do any of this. And that I should just suck it up because it is a decision that I made. (Yes, he said it was a decision that I made on my own.)

No wonder I feel all alone in this. I actually AM all alone. I had no idea.

I didn’t continue the argument. There was no point. He had had two martinis earlier and was all fired up. Obviously he had been holding a lot of this inside, for a LONG time.

I waited a couple of days to let it pass. And I needed to gather my thoughts. So last night I brought it up and I tried to stay as calm as possible. I asked him about his statement that I made the decision and that I brought this upon myself. I told him that I though WE made the decision TOGETHER. He disagreed. He said that I was so hell bent on having a baby that he couldn’t tell me how he really felt. He would never have chosen IVF himself. He is going along with it, but inside he is kicking and screaming. I asked him if he wants a baby, and he said that he does, but that he doesn’t want to go through all these hoops to get there. He honestly feels that if it is meant to be, it will happen the “normal” way. Having sex. With his wife. Missing a period. Taking a pregnancy test. That is how he thinks it should happen, and that is still how he thinks it should happen, even after FIVE years of trying. And even after talking to the RE and the IVF doctor who told us that we would have a .0001 percent chance of ever conceiving naturally.

So. The truth. The truth is that he is doing this all for me. He is not into it. He doesn’t want to do it. He is going along with it. Because he doesn’t feel he has a choice. And he feels that since I have made this choice, that I should roll with the punches, no matter how awful it gets. He admitted that he wants to have more sympathy for me, and he wants to be empathic, but he doesn’t know how, because he really doesn’t agree with what we are doing. He thinks it is unnatural and we are using science to go against nature. What it comes down to is that he doesn’t think this was meant to be, and I am forcing it to happen.

I reminded him that he did tell me he was on board, before we paid for FOUR cycles of IVF. And that if it doesn’t work the first time, that we would do it again. And if it doesn’t work the second time, we were going to try one more time. The third time? If the third time isn’t a charm, then the fourth time it will be. He confirmed that he knew we would be doing it more than once if necessary and he told me he would do everything he needs to do to keep our chances as high as possible. But emotionally he isn’t there. He is just going through the motions because he loves me, and he knows how important it is to me. And he asked me: What happens if we do it four times and it doesn’t work. What then? Four more times? He said he can’t do it. That he is willing to do this for the four times we have committed to, but if it doesn’t work, we have to stop. And he asked me to promise. So I did.

I was weeping. Should I be grateful that he didn’t put his foot down 4 months ago and say, “Absolutely not!” when I brought up IVF? I guess so. But I don’t feel grateful. What I want is to shake him. I want to kick and scream and tell him to get his shit together. That he needs to be supportive and I need him to give me my shots, and give me a hug when I am feeling like crap, and rub my back and make me food. I want him to drive me to my appointments. I want him to ask me how I am doing! I want him to be interested in how my doctors appointments went. But he isn’t. And he doesn’t. And I can’t make him.

I married a guy who doesn’t have an emotional bone in his body. And I knew it when I married him. But I read some of these IF blogs and wonder who these guys are that go to every appointment and call the doctor themselves for test results, and give every shot and talk and talk and talk about IF with their wives. And write blogs! Who are these men?

TW is doing this for me. Just for me. Because he loves me. And he doesn’t want to stop me from trying to conceive. But he would rather not be doing this. He would rather be doing ANYTHING but this.

At least I know the truth now. But it doesn’t make it any easier.

I guess that is why I have been feeling so lonely.

Debriefing Halloween & Other Stuff

Ack, PT is watching a horrible movie. I was watching with her but just couldn’t take it anymore. “She’s the Man”. Don’t see it. Luckily the computer is 5 feet away from the TV in this tiny house we are living in, so I can work on this without completely abandoning PT.

Two nights ago I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital at 2am. I woke up with a horrible side pain on my lower left side, like on my ovary. I didn’t think it was the Lu.pron since it is a suppressor, but I wasn’t sure. I tried to Dr. Google it at 3am and although all the side effects listed on various sites said, “Pain” there was very little information on what kind of pain. Doesn’t the word “pain” seem a little vague??? What kind of pain? Anyway, I ended up calling the nurse on call at 5am and she told me to take some advil and try to go back to sleep. She said if the pain was still there at 7:30am when they open, that I should come in for an ultrasound. Well, the pain did go away after the advil and hasn’t been back since. Maybe it was something to do with my period, but it felt really weird, almost like really strong O pain. Who knows. I am worried that there is something wrong going on with my girlie parts. I guess I will find out on Friday (tomorrow).

I picked up 5 bags of candy on the way to work yesterday (Halloween), to get into the spirit. We had a huge bowl of candy on the front desk, and I was really good up until about 10 minutes to 5, when I scarfed down 3 mini reese’s PBCs and 3 mini Hershey’s bars (did you know they make them with cashews now??).

Anyway, C came to work dressed up as a bee. The costume was adorable. She wore black clothes and had an antenna headband and wings and a little stinger pinned to her butt. At the end of the day she offered me the costume b/c she knew I was going Trick or Treating with PT and her friend. I was on the fence about actually going Trick or Treating or staying home and handing out candy. I ended up choosing going out because I hate the going back and forth to the door thing…with the doggie freaking out each time there is a knock on the door, etc.

I got home from work and TW was carving pumpkins with PT and her friend M. I have to say, my heart swells with love and pride when I watch TW interacting with PT and her friends. He really, truly, is the best father. He is funny and caring and attentive….our baby is going to be SO lucky. Anyway, they were just finishing up carving when I walked in the door, and then the girls got ready. I put on the bee costume, PT was dressed as a fairy, and M was Spider Woman. We left right as it got dark and walked the streets for about an hour and a half. Apparently going out with the kids is the dad’s job! Every group of kids was accompanied by the dads, and none of them were dressed up. At one point I was waiting for the girls at the base of a driveway and there was a group of 3 dads waiting for their kids (they were all drinking beers!), and none of them had costumes on. I smiled and looked at them and said, “Guess I didn’t get the memo!” and they just looked at me cross-eyed. Sometimes I hate my neighborhood, everyone is so clique-y and snooty!

Yes, it is hard to be an IFer and go out for Halloween. But at the same time, I like seeing all the cute kids dressed up and having so much fun. PT and M got about 11 pounds of candy each - I kid you not. And I think I ate about 5 pounds myself. I feel like such a lard-ass. I don’t think the lup.ron is helping in that regard either. I feel so bloated all the time!

TW left on a trip this morning and won’t be back until late tomorrow night. He is going to miss my base-line ultrasound tomorrow. I hope things go well…I don’t really know what they are looking for, but my instructions say if the u/s looks good, I will start Folli.stim tomorrow. I will also start baby aspirin, and TW will start his doxy.cycline (I packed two pills for him to bring with him). I have to write the BIG check tomorrow too, for 4 cycles of IVF. We want to lock in the price for a 38 year old with an FSH level below 10….I am 38 and a half now, and if the first cycle doesn’t work and I am 39 when we try the 2nd, the prices get jacked up.

Went to acupuncture today. She is so positive, I just love her. She is very hopeful for us. She keeps saying she KNOWS that IVF will work for us. She doesn’t know if it will work the very first time, but she “knows” it will work. God, I hope she is right.

Oh — two nights ago we got Chinese food and my fortune said, “No obstacles will stand in the way of your success this month”. Seeing as it was just two days before the end of October, I am going to assume that it applies to November. I kissed the fortune (yes, literally kissed it!) and put it in my wallet for good luck. I guess I am back to my superstitious self!

Busy Weekend

I had a pretty busy weekend, for a weekend that we had nothing planned since we were supposed to be up in the Mountains!

PT had a soccer game on Saturday morning. Since we were supposed to be heading out of town, she did not bring her soccer gear to our place. So we called X to ask if she could bring the jersey, shorts, socks, cleats and shin guards, etc. X is a “coach”. I put that in quotes because she is basically more of a cheerleader, she has never played soccer in her life and doesn’t even know the rules. She just jumps up and down and yells a lot. Anyway, we show up to the game - you would think X would be happy since we weren’t going to be there. Well, X only brought the shorts and jersey, not the cleats or shin guards. Then she went off on me totally within ear-shot, like it was all my fault. Poor TW had to drive all the way home (30 minutes) to pick up the stuff. Since X was going to bring everything, we figured she would bring EVERYTHING. It is just like everything else with X - nothing is ever simple. Anyway, once we got that all squared away, PT ended up scoring TWO goals  and her team won 3-1! It was very exciting. But I was really pissed that some how I was blamed for X’s own inability to be normal. Plus I never even spoke to her about the soccer gear. It was between TW and X. WHATEVER. But then at the end of the game, X came running up to me and was chatting with me like we were old friends. I think she has borderline personality disorder or something. She is a freak.

That afternoon I ditched TW and PT and went and had my nails done with two girlfriends. It was nice to get out and see J1 and A after a pretty long while. J1’s sister is the one that just adopted the baby. After our nails, we went to see the baby. He is too cute for words. Just so perfect! When A held him for the first time, she burst into tears. I was surprised I didn’t do the same thing. J1 is definitely sandwiched between the two generations. Her sister has a week old baby and her dad is suffering with severe Parkinsons/dementia and just had a heart attack two weeks ago. He needs constant care. What a tough situation.

That evening we told PT that she could choose anywhere she wanted to go for dinner. We went to California Pizza Kitchen (of course) and then Cold Stone afterwards. OMG I was so full I thought I would burst. It isn’t helping that the BCP is making me feel like a fat pig (with acne, mind you!). But my coldstone was amazing: Sweet Cream ice cream with heath bars and roasted almonds. YUMMY.

Sunday I blew off puppy class. I had already told the teacher I wouldn’t be there because we were going to be out of town. So I blew it off. It was PT’s 12th birthday on the 5th, so I told her I would take her shopping. J1 and A came with us. We went to the mall and had a nice lunch at Nordstrom’s Cafe and PT picked out some cute clothes. Speaking of cute clothes: the first thing I saw was this orange coat….the same exact coat as I bought last year in red. But I have had this hankering for an orange coat for a year — and now they make it in that color. And it was on sale for $60. So I bought it! They didn’t have it in my size, but Nordstrom will ship for free if you pay for it at the store, so a different store is shipping it. And then — I saw the cream colored one. And I bought that one too. Now I have three of the same coat. One red, one cream, one orange (will arrive in a week). Am I a whack job, or what? Here is the coat. This picture doesn’t do it justice because the lining is this really cool pattern that adds a lot to the design!

I don’t know what is wrong with me. PT can be perfectly sweet, and she bugs me. Not all the time, but there are days I just can’t tolerate anything she does. The way she talks, the way she eats, what she orders at a restaurant, how she holds her fork. I keep telling myself it is part of being a step-mom when I want my own child so badly. I feel terribly guilty when I get these bad feelings towards her. Sweet Christmas, she is 12 years old and behaving better than most 12 year olds that I have met! So what the heck is wrong with me? I need to be more conscious of this, it really isn’t fair to PT. When I married TW, I promised to take good care of her, and I really do my best. But some days it is really hard. Some days I feel selfish and wish she wasn’t around. Ugh. I feel SO guilty saying that.

I had acupuncture today, it was a quick appointment. K was running 10 minutes late and then for some reason we started blathering and by the time she put the needles in, I only had 20 minutes. She assures me that it is enough time. I have to watch it with the chatting, I can get super chatty (can you tell)?

I called the pharmacy and my meds are ready, I am going to pick them up tomorrow. I asked for the total amount: $1999.70. YIKES. However, the protocol said between $2000 and $4000 per cycle. Guess I was on the bottom range…that is a nice surprise! I am so ready to get going on this.

 

 

 

Holding Pattern…

We are in a holding pattern. I am taking my BCP each morning, TW is taking his anti-biotics. He has two more days of them, then he has an appointment on Friday morning to drop off his “specimen”. I keep bugging him that this isn’t like the usual sperm analysis where he didn’t need an appointment. Since he has to be on anti-biotics for 5 days before doing his thing, he has to do it on Friday. He better not “F” this up!!! I should have more faith, I know. I just get so wound up about things I have no control over. I am waiting for the IVF clinic to e-mail me a detailed schedule of what to expect. But for now, I just pop my little red pills each morning waiting for bigger things to come.

On another note, the most amazing things happened: X called us this morning (at 6:30am, mind you) asking US for help with PT! This has NEVER happened before. I guess PT has a minimum day and X won’t get off work until 4pm or so. We found out last week that X was having PT walk to Starbucks after school to wait for her until 4pm. We were NOT happy with this. In this day and age, a 12 year old has no business walking around. Yes, we live in a safe neighborhood but you hear horror stories all the time. When we found out that PT would be at the Starbucks, TW went by there to check on her. She was with a few other girls (I am totally surprised that all the moms allow this!), but TW said there was a shady looking character in there, with a skull cap and tattoos all over his body. He was probably fine, but still he stuck out like a sore thumb. TW called X about the issue and she said, ‘It is MY week, so I make my own arrangements!’ TW was trying to offer to help - he said he would pick up PT from school and help her with homework until X could come and get her. But X said it was none of his business. ??? I guess she thought better of it because this morning she asked if TW could pick her up from school and have her until 4pm. Much better. Maybe we are making some progress.

J1’s sister brought a baby home yesterday! S tried all the fertility treatments (just short of IVF). They did injectables and IUIs with donor sperm, but nothing stuck. The doctors told S that it was probably her egg quality. Anyway, they moved on to adoption about 2 years ago. There were a bunch of near misses - they are doing an open adoption where the biological parents have a say in who gets to adopt. So a few times it was close but then … they all fell through. They got a call this Sunday that a baby was being born and the original adopting couple backed out. So S went up to the hospital to meet the biological mom, and they were told to go back to the hospital the next day (Monday) to pick up their baby! After two long years (and more if you count TTC) they have a baby! The amazing thing is that after all the long waiting, it happened so quickly, if that makes sense. They didn’t even have a car seat, they had to buy one on the way to the hospital. So they brought the little guy home yesterday. I am going to meet him today. I practically grew up in J1’s house so this is like my 2nd family.

I have to admit I felt a little sad at the same time I was happy for them. The poor little baby. The poor 22 year old bio mom. It makes me sad that people get pregnant before they are ready and have to give up their kids. Of course it is good for people like S who will make a wonderful home for this tiny infant. It made me sad to think that the little boy, 3 days old, was whisked away from his mother and given to someone else. I know he won’t remember anything, obviously, and I am sure he will have a great life. But somehow it makes me sad at the same time.

So, S has to go to work today and tell them — “By the way I am going on maternity leave TODAY!”

A Day In The Life.

P.S. I am sitting at my home office, and construction is going on all around me. Jack-hammers and chain saws in my ears. There is a bright green porta-potty in my front yard. No sentiments, they are just tearing the place down around me. *whimper*. Not really. We have been waiting for this moment for TWO YEARS. I can’t believe it is finally happening!

Yesterday I took Sutter to the dog park. It amazes me how often there are opportunities to talk about IF, and the question is — should I say something or not? The characters in the story will be identified by the dog’s names. I have been going to this dog park 4-5 times a week for the last 6 months, so I have made some friends…we haven’t done anything outside of hanging out at the dog park, but I am always happy to see them when I am there (plus Sutter loves the dogs!)

First, I was talking to Marlo’s mom about random things. Mostly about our puppies and what freaks they are at 8 months. Sutter and Marlo have been in puppy school since they were 10 weeks old. I think they are in love with each other.  So I have gotten to know Marlo’s mom and dad pretty well over the last few months. I mentioned that TW was out of town, and so I was going to pick up sushi to take home with me (TW isn’t a sushi fan like I am). Marlo’s mom said, “I love sushi!” and then immediately, “but I can’t eat it right now”. OMG. Is she pregnant??? The expression on her face after she blurted it out was one of a little surprise…like she shouldn’t have said it. I glanced at her tummy - flat as ever. Maybe she just found out? I was burning to say something but kept it to myself. I am still dying to ask her, but don’t know if I should. The moment has passed. She has been married just over a year….that’s it. I of course assume that they decided to start trying and got pregnant the first month. According to my RE at the IVF clinic, that is how it happens for 1 out of every 4 couples!!!

Later, I was talking to Marlo’s mom and Maddie’s mom. They have both met PT several times. Maddie’s mom commented on how tall PT is. This question, although very innocent, always gets to me. Because PT is taller than I am, and she is only 11 years old. I am 5 foot 2 on a good day. PT’s mother is almost 6 feet tall! People always comment on PT’s height, and then I have to tell them, well, her MOTHER is tall. And then inevitably the next set of questions is: OH! How long were TW and X married? And “Isn’t it hard being a step-mom?” And “Isn’t it hard on PT to go back and forth between houses?” BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. I should tape record my answers and play them back. It is always the exact same thing. *SIGH*.

Marlo and Maddie’s moms know that PT is my step-daughter so it wasn’t that big a deal when Maddie’s mom commented on PT’s height. I told her that X is super tall and then she asked me all sorts of questions - do I get along with X, does TW get along with X, etc. And then. The. Next. Inevitable. Question.

“Don’t you want kids of your own?????”

Fuck. I HATE this. I usually just say, “We are talking about it”, or something like that. Maddie’s mom is a single 34 year old, looking for a husband (or boyfriend for that matter)…so I am sure she has her own struggles. For all I know she looks at my life - house in a nice town, step-daughter, dog, cute husband, etc. - and is envious of me! Everything is relative, right? In any event, I answered the question with: “We are working on it but it isn’t happening”. She hesitated and said, “OH! Well….sorry…..” I told her not to worry about it. WHY do people think asking if I want kids is an appropriate question if they don’t want the real answer? I felt like I should elaborate, so I said, “You know, we have been married 5 years and we wanted to wait a little while, but now I am getting old and things aren’t happening as quickly as we would like”. Then Maddie’s mom and Marlo’s mom both asked me how old I was, and said I look so young, and blah, blah, blah. At that moment two guys came and sat at our table so we changed the subject abruptly. Maddie’s mom was occupied talking to the men, and Marlo’s mom leaned over to me and said, “There is this great book…do you mind talking about this?” and I told her it was fine. So she said, “There is this great book called Taking Charge of Your Fertility…”. OMG. I almost started laughing out loud!!! I told her I have it, that I have practically memorized it, and that I am addicted to taking my BBT. She looked a little embarrassed and was quiet. I then leaned over to her and said, “We have tried everything, we are going to do IVF”. Something about the conversation seemed to tell me she isn’t pregnant yet. Maybe she is trying and isn’t eating sushi just to be precautious…maybe she is just in her 2ww. Do people buy the TCOYF book if they have JUST started? My gut tells me it is usually after a few months of trying without luck.

Later, Jake’s mom and and dad showed up at the dog park. They are in their early 40s. I was chatting with them, small talk, and then mentioned that my house was about to be demo’d for a remodel. Jake’s dad asked me what we were doing to the house, and I told him we were making a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house into a 4 bedroom 3 bathroom. Guess what he said: “You only have one kid, right”? I said, “Yes”. And he said, “What, are you planning to have two or three more kids?” WHY?!?!? Why does everyone always go straight to these questions? So I said, “Actually we are planning to have 10 more kids and then we are going to call Extreme Home Makeover.”

Mind you, these three interactions were all within my one hour stint at the dog park last night. I want to put a stamp on my forehead that says, “Please don’t ask me about kids unless you want the gory details”.