Distractions

First off, I want to give a huge shout-out to Calliope for making my new header for me. Doesn’t it ROCK? I love it!!

I am SO distracted and anxious/nervous/excited. Tomorrow cannot get here soon enough. I am sitting here at work, but not doing much of anything — besides surfing the internet. I am completely addicted to this site. If you click on it, wait a moment for an ad to cycle through and then it will bring you to the live camera that is focused on a mamma lion and her 4 babies in a zoo in Norway. They have the lights on a timer so it does get dark over there at about 11am my time, so I only get to see them for a few hours in the morning. Sometimes mamma is nursing or grooming them, other times the babies are romping around. I saw the camera pan out the other day, and there is a door to the outside, so sometimes none of them are in front of the camera. The mamma is gorgeous and the babies are so cute I want to eat them. You should check it out!

This morning I talked to my mom. Ugh. It is so trying just talking to her on the phone. She talks on and on and on without even taking a breath. Then all of a sudden she starts saying, ‘HELLO? HELLO?’ because she thinks I have hung up or the connection was lost. But she talks so incessantly there is no way for me to get a word in edgewise, and that is why I am silent. I have stopped even saying, “Yeah” or “Uh-Huh” to prove that I am listening, since it really doesn’t matter.  Of course she did her “Remember so-and-so? Her daughter just went through two IVFs and they failed. But her other daughter had an abortion last month. Isn’t that ironic?” — WHY does she tell me these things? In the middle of my sentence she always interrupts and starts her own story — but I try to keep talking. It never works and I have to shut up. Then she says, “What were you saying?” and interrupts me again when I try one more time. She is a horrible listener; I think it is because she is always thinking of the next thing she wants to say instead of paying attention to what I am saying. Then my dad picked up the other extension and I could hear the TV in the background, super loud. My mom started complaining to my dad about the TV being too loud, and my dad told her it wasn’t that loud. Then my dad told me to speak up because he couldn’t hear me, and when I told him I was practically yelling, he got pissy. Then my mom asked my dad what he was watching and they had their own conversation while I was just listening to them bicker. Then my dad hung up saying he couldn’t hear anything. Next, my mom started telling me about her social life. She said, “Our social life has picked up right where it left off. EVERYONE wants to invite us to lunch or dinner. I guess we are doing something right. We are the most popular couple in the village!” Blah, Blah, Blah. Then she told me about this party they went to on Friday night. “We met so many really nice people. But so-and-so was SO loud and obnoxious. And his wife was SO wrinkled, she looked like a little prune. And she was at least 20 years younger then me; I am SO lucky to have such great skin. Everyone tells me how beautiful I am, and how young I look!” Blah, Blah, Blah. This is a typical conversation. Ahhh. The joys of phone conversations with my mom. 

Yesterday I went bra shopping for everyday bras. What a nightmare that was. Not pretty. But I did end up getting four new bras, two ivory and two black. They are the kind that “look great under a t-shirt”. All I wear is v-neck t-shirts in the summer. I have to admit, they DO look great under a t-shirt! MUCH better than my old, tired bras. I got the kind with no seams, no tags. And they have shape to the cup, almost like a little bit of padding. Totally comfy and they make my boobs look extra full and perky. How exciting! BUT the only issue is that they won’t fit in my undie drawer because of the poof in the cups. I didn’t want to smash them down. How do you store these things? I ended up hanging them up in the closet on hangers — is that totally weird? I also have no idea how to wash them…anyone know? Does the poof get smashed if you wash them? I assume I need to handwash them in WooL.ite and hang them up to dry…HELP!

UGH. So hyper and restless today. It felt very weird not to have any shots this morning! First time since May 30th that I had zero shots to do. I hope I get some sleep tonight- the clinic gives me a diazapam to help with that, then I can take another one an hour before ER. My friend is picking me up at 8:30am to take me to my appointment. I will post tomorrow evening when I “come to” after my sedation wears off enough. Wish me luck!!!

As promised…

I am changing the topic, and as promised, here is an e-mail my mom sent me after IVF#2 failed. Hold on to your hats….it starts out okay and then just, well. You need to read it:

Hi Babystep,
       I hope you are feeling a little better.  My heart has been
with you all day.  if I told you “I know what your going thru ” you
will say how can anyone know ? So I am not saying I know exactly what
you feel. But I have had similar experiences,   twice I was ready to
adopt but fortunately dad was not ready  and his family was totally
against it so I settled down to try one more time. and it was three
times the magic.  Same thing might happen to you too. Who knows ? I
think you owe it to yourself to try at least one more time. I was
weeping all the time but once I got all that sadness out of me things
worked out
       Do you want us to come and visit you ? or do you want to come
with TW and we could have a simple meal or go to a small place near
by ? That is doable.   But if you want to spend the time with TW
and do something fun then you should.  I suppose he can comfort you
better than we can I suppose since he is in it with you.
       Who says “motherhood is that great?”  It is a big physical
pain , then you make a lot of sacrifices , physical and emotional
some times you are cherished for that and sometimes you get kicked in
the teeth.  Who can say what lies in the future.  As you know I carry
around a heavy heart many waking hours. I don’t even know what I am
trying to say. So being a “mom” is not always that fulfilling as it
has been drummed up to be. Of course I am saying it now but I wanted
a child just as badly as you do.
       So since it is totally out of our hands  and you have done
everything you could possibly do. Now it is the time to accept as
life is and go on. I’d still like you to try one more time at least.
We are taking the dogs  to the dog park but we will be back in an
hour. So call or come by if you like. Love and kisses.
                               Mom

So…yeah. That is my mom in a nutshell. She has her head so far up her ass, she needs a seeing eye dog. (I just made that one up today!) I sent it to my brother and we actually had a good laugh. I can’t take anything my mom says seriously, because she is crazy. She has no filter, and I don’t know if it is part language barrier or what — but a lot of times she has the best of intentions and then she just goes off on a wild tangent and I am left scratching my head. For example, at TW and my 1 year anniversary, she wrote me a note that says, “Congratulations on your 1 year anniversary. I hope that the two of you will be very happy until one of you dies”. Half of her e-mails are written at 1am after she has been out cavorting with her French village people, and she is drunk and half asleep. Those are actually the best because she starts typing gobbledy-gook and usually ends up signing off with something like,

i am getting very sleepy…i should go now before i start typing heebee-jeebee.
love and kissnz;kj;duormmnnnnn

and she clearly fell asleep on the keyboard.

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So, yesterday after work, I walked in the house and TW and PT were sitting at the kitchen table. I said hi, and asked what was going on, and PT said, “I got my period!”. TW was just sitting there acting like PT didn’t say anything (but he lost all color in his face). I said, “When?” PT responded, “Yesterday!” So I said, “Why didn’t you say anything yesterday then?” PT responded, “Because I didn’t know! I thought I just crapped my pants!”. OMG. I almost died laughing. TW had his mouth hanging open and PT and I were cackling like a couple of hyenas. Apparently PT went to the bathroom and there was a bunch of brown sludge on her panties….so she thought she pooped! Wouldn’t you feel it if you pooped in your pants? Anyway, the next day she asked her friend Amanda (who is already 5 foot 5 with big boobs and child-bearing hips) and Amanda confirmed that sometimes the first day of your period is brown, not red. So, mystery solved. PT did not just crap her pants. She is a woman now (yeah, right.)

Mother’s Day

First off, thank you to KE and Blue Haired Woman for tagging me. I promise to get going on that ASAP, when I have a moment (hard to do long posts at work!)…

Mother’s Day was tough. What is the deal with random people saying, “Happy Mother’s Day” to me when I am walking around, minding my own business, without any kids with me?? It would be one thing if PT was with me, but of course she was with her mom on Mother’s Day. So — what is the deal? I want to tell people to mind their own business but I know they are just trying to be nice. It is amazing how these simple little comments can be so loaded for me now.

Even TW didn’t say “Happy Mother’s Day” to me, which really pissed me off. True, PT wasn’t here, but still. Have I not been an active participant in raising his child since she was FOUR YEARS OLD? So, the only people that said “Happy Mother’s Day” to me were strangers. And my Sister-in-Law sent me an e-card. Which was nice. Then my mom ruined it. We were having brunch and I told her that SIL sent me an e-card. And you know what my mom said? She said, “That is really strange”. WTF? No. It is really strange that no one acknowledges step-mothers on Mother’s Day. Not only that, it is even stranger that it is considered weird to acknowledge a step-mother on Mother’s Day. We were at a buffet brunch and right after that exchange my mom and dad left to get more food. I burst into tears and said, “I want to be a mom, I just can’t. It isn’t fair”. TW was supportive but at the same time I wanted to punch him in the eye for not acknowledging that I am a 1/2 time mom to his stupid kid.

God, the only thing that is keeping me going right now is the remodel. I am focusing on it a lot. Things are going to move quickly — the hard wood is going down and once it is stained (which should happen next week), everything is going to move, move, move. Like sinks and fixtures are going in, granite and stone floors, YAY. I am VERY excited. The only thing that sucks is that we built an extra room for a nursery and I have no idea if it will be used for that purpose or not. It is a cute little room with a big window and a nice sized closet. I guess I can put a treadmill and a TV/DVD in it, and maybe one of those big exercise balls and some free-weights. If I can’t get pregnant, I am going to get HOT. Instead of a MILF I will be an IFILF (Infertile-I’d-Like-To-Fuck).  Okay, I will think of that as a back-up plan in case things don’t work out. Ugh. So hard to stay positive.

Money is stressing me out right now. We are so far over budget I am wondering if a miracle happens, and I do get pregnant, how we will even afford a kid! TW is supposed to get a raise in December, and I should be getting one too. And once we move back into the big house, we can rent the cottage out. So that should all help. But it is still a little stressful.

Deep breaths.

Surprise!

My brother is here. We decided to surprise our mom. He told me about a month ago that he was coming out here to see his friend G who lives 2 hours from me, and they were going to a motorcycle show about 40 minutes from me. So — he wasn’t really coming to see US, he was coming to see G and motorcycles and making a side trip to see us. He NEVER comes to see us. The last time he came, was before my doggie Cleo died of cancer — she had been through radiation and chemo to no avail…I had just gone through two failed IUIs and I was having a really rough time. Cleo was given a clean bill of health and 5 days after her last treatment, I checked her throat (she had oral melanoma) and I could see that the tumors were growing back with a vengeance.  There was nothing more we could do. My brother’s ‘wife’ sent him to see me. I am certain it wasn’t his idea — he would NEVER think of it. But I talked to my SIL and then two days later my brother called to say he was coming to visit…then it was the SIL that bought the plane tix, etc.

Anyway, that was about a year and a half ago. My brother lives in NYC with his evil “wife” (I put it in quotes because they never got married but had a huge “commitment ceremony” that looked so much like a wedding, I am sure half of the guests were fooled). He claims he doesn’t have enough vacation time to come out here, but (for example) they were just in New Orleans for Jazz Fest and later this month they are going to the Galapagos islands for 9 days (SO JEALOUS!). They were in Costa Rica for New Years and France last Thanksgiving. SO….anyway…

My brother isn’t into family. He is childless by choice (his wife — not so much). He told his wife when they were first dating that he NEVER wanted kids. She thought he would change his mind. She is now 43 and I think has finally come to terms that kids are not in her future. But she stayed with him knowingly — she KNEW that he didn’t want kids. There were a handful of years where I was waiting for a big announcement that she was pregnant…I really thought she was have an “ooops” on purpose. But it hasn’t happened and now that she is turning 44 pretty soon, I seriously doubt it will happen (well, with my luck it may still happen). I don’t know how she got past it. For the first 3 or 4 years she talked about kids constantly — she would say she dreamt she was pregnant, and at one point she was researching adoption until my brother said, ‘DUH…I don’t want kids!’ I don’t think I would have married TW if he told me straight up that he didn’t want kids. It would have been a deal breaker. That is all moot now, of course…but anyway.

I invited my parents over for dinner a month ago. They are here from France until mid-June and they are such social butterflies it is almost impossible to get an “appointment” with them. After my brother called to say he would be in town, I called my dad and we conived about surprising my mom. So my dad was in on it. Yesterday was the big day. My brother’s friend G drove him down from the motorcycle show, and he arrived at about 4pm. I made a big dinner - turkey and 3-bean chili, cornbread, home made caesar salad, home-made guac and salsa, and we had all the fixin’s like sour cream, cheese, chopped onion, cilantro. And for dessert I made this chocolate truffle cake, but I drizzled it with raspberry jam and sprinkled tons of slivered almonds and fresh raspberries on top. Ugh, if you look at the recipe…it is no wonder I have gained 5 pounds in the last few months!!!

So my brother arrived and we drank some beers and hung out, finishing dinner. Then my mom and dad arrived at around 7pm. I hid my brother in the back room and sat my parents down with a drink. Then I said, “Oh! Mom — I have an early mother’s day present for you! Wait one sec” and I went to get my brother. I pushed him into the room and BOY was my mom surprised.  But then it just got annoying. My mom has nothing nice to say about my brother. Just that he causes her so much heart ache. Because he never visits and he rarely calls and he claims he has no vacation time but travels all over the world. That his priorities are fucked up. But the minute she is in the same room as him, she WORSHIPS him. And I disappear. I am the one that stayed in our home-town. But when my parents realized that my brother wasn’t coming back, they decided that there was nothing keeping them here (ummm…hello?) so they moved to France. I am the one they turn to anytime they need help. I am the one that talks to them at least once a week when they are in France and e-mails almost every day. My brother? He does shit. All he does is complain about them, and he sees them maybe once every two years. So watching my parents fawn all over him is so hard. I feel really jealous. He is their golden boy, no matter what he does. And somehow, my parents’ behavior always suprises me. And then so does my reaction.

 

My mom has the best of intentions but…

Talking to my mom is always trying. I think she has the best of intentions, but sometimes I am not so sure. She can be manipulative and passive aggressive. She has a Master’s degree in psychotherapy, but I have always thought that she would be the WORST therapist ever. She is a horrible listener and she is extremely self-involved. Perhaps when she was seeing clients (she retired from the field 25 years ago) it was a different story than when she dealt with her own daughter. I have always felt that I am not good enough. I have always felt a strong sense that there is something coming between our relationship. Ironically she had two miscarriages before she had me, and she will say things like, “no one has ever wanted anything as much as I wanted you”….but I feel like once I was here, she immediately started taking me for granted. I hope that I don’t behave the same way when I am blessed to have a baby.

In any event, I spoke with her today on the phone. My parents live in France for 9 months out of the year, and I speak with them once a week on the phone. Usually my father answers saying, “Allo?” and then when he hears it is me, he says hi and passes it on to my mom. My mom is always in competition with the world….who is the most fashionable, who is the best cook, who is the best hostess, who has the most friends - WHO HAS THE MOST GRANDCHILDREN…it gets VERY tiring - probably most of all because she does not see this at all. She thinks she is humble, gracious, generous.

Anyway, we spoke today for a few minutes and she launched into the following points:

“I hear more and more people say that they are having trouble having babies. It is like an epidemic!”

“Maybe it is because you were on the pill for so long”

“S’s daughter went through her 5th IVF treatment and she is still not pregnant!”

“P’s cousin also tried 3 IUIs and 4 IVFs and now they are going to adopt!”

“But there are so many women that easily get pregnant after they are in their mid 40s! Like M’s wife -she is 46! And D and J - she is 45!”

My response to this is that it is extremely rare, that it probably happens 1 in 1000 times…her response:

“No! What about B! And M! And K? They are all over 40!”

At that point, I lost my temper. And I said, “WHAT IS YOUR POINT?”

My mother couldn’t respond. She had nothing to say (for once). Then she fumbled and said, “I am trying to make the point that women get pregnant all the time, and it will happen to you too. Just relax, it will happen, I promise.”

We hung up. I am sure she is thinking I am being a brat. But I just couldn’t handle this conversation one more time. And her point was lost on me. Especially after I sent my parents an e-mail after our meeting with the N Clinic. I could not let this go. So I wrote her an e-mail:

You are probably thinking I went off the handle today, and I am sorry if you do feel that way. I want you to know that I am feeling hyper sensitive about fertility and babies and no matter if someone has the best of intentions it is very easy to get me going. Hearing that all sorts of people are getting pregnant after they are 40 years old isn’t making me feel any better. Hearing that so many people have all sorts of problems getting pregnant isn’t making me feel better. Hearing that I need to relax and it “will happen” isn’t making me feel better. Hearing that people tried IVF 5 times with no luck is not helping.

What I need now, is just someone to say they understand how I feel. That they are here for me no matter what happens. That they hope for the best for me. That maybe it will work! That I will be a good mom. That people had good results with IVF. That people can be happy without children.

I know that you are removed from this kind of emotion now — you are over 70, retired, don’t have a care in the world !! But I do also know that way back when, you did have the same desire that I have, and that you probably remember what it felt like to want something so bad, and not know whether it is in the cards or not. Do you remember what it felt like when you heard, “Just relax!” when you were trying to get pregnant? Relaxing is not going to help me. I am over 38 years old and the sperm I have to work with are TOO relaxed. If we were more relaxed, we would be in a coma.

I want you to LISTEN. That is the thing I need the most. I need someone to just listen to me. Sometimes it will be redundant, sometimes it will be boring, sometimes it may be irritating. But that is what I need. I need a good listener who can be there for me when I need to vent, when I am feeling like everyone in the world is fertile except for me, that I am cursed, that I don’t deserve to be a mom. To listen to my crazy thoughts.

Can you do that?

I am sure that this e-mail will just manage to make her angry, or convince her that I am a drama queen (she already thinks so). But I had to get it off my chest.

I feel better already.