IVF#3 — New Hope?

I went in for my baseline ultrasound and consult yesterday. I have been on the BCP for two months and Lu.pron since May 30th. Thursday was my last day to have a drink, so you betcha I had a couple of pom martinis! I am pretty jacked up over work right now — busiest week of the year!

Anyway, I saw Dr. S who is really warm and friendly…much more so than Dr. P who is crusty and gruff (although he warms up after a while). I love that my ultrasounds are always done by the doctors, never a tech. He checked my lining, which was so thin it was almost non-existent. He had a hard time finding it! He said that was a good thing. Then he did an antral follicle count, 9 on each side. It is so hard for me to always hear how I am so “text book”….but WHY then won’t this happen for me?

Anyway, Dr. S had clearly been thinking about my sitch. He said that IVF#1 I was over-suppressed, and IVF#2 my E2 levels went up to quickly. So he wanted to find a middle ground. My protocol is:

a.m. and p.m. 5 units of micro-dose Lu.pron
a.m. 187.5 units of Gon.al-F
p.m. 225 units of Go.nal-F (G.onal-F dosing is in weird increments!)
p.m. 75 units of Meno.pur

Last time I was on the micro-dose Lu.pron, 225 units of Foll.stim twice a day, and 150 units of Meno.pur once a day.

I started baby aspirin yesterday too.

We are going to be “aggressive” according to Dr. S. He wants to do a 1 day transfer. He has a theory that my embryos fragment because they don’t like lounging in a petrie dish and would rather be snuggling in a nice, warm ute. He is going to transfer some of them on day 1, and some more on day 2. He doesn’t want to give them as much of a chance to break up by waiting three days.

Turns out TW definitely won’t be around for my ER this time either. I am glad he spanked the monkey and the goods are on ice. Who needs a man with IVF!

Happy Valentine’s Day

I actually got flowers - last night. TW went to the grocery to pick up milk and came back with a little pot with a baby rose plant in it. It was sweet, I don’t think I have gotten flowers for valentine’s day from him before! Of course C at work got flowers as a surprise this morning at home and then she got two dozen roses delivered today! That girl gets flowers once a month or more - I kid you not. She is married to her highschool sweet heart, they have been together since they were 15 and they are now 25…they are too cute it makes me want to throw up.

Today I hosted a big event at work, and I am absolutely exhausted. The visitors are here for half the day tomorrow as well, and can I tell you that I have never been so happy to have a three day weekend. Although, next week I have to do it all again as we have another event on Thursday/Friday (and it may rain to make things even more interesting!). In any event, on my way home from work, I decided to pop into the grocery to pick up some surprises for TW and PT. I got Valentine’s cards, heart sugar cookies in pink and purple and their favorite sushi. I brought everything home and told PT that all I asked was to have two pieces of her sushi (out of the 12 in the tray). Well, about 15 minutes later I look at her and she is scarfing down the last piece of sushi. I was livid!!! Did I have the right to be livid? I asked her why she didn’t save me any and she said she forgot. TW rushed to her defense and said no one is perfect, and that we all forget things. I am sorry but I don’t forget things! Truly, Truly, I don’t forget things. Ever. I almost started crying…I feel so forgotten so often!

Then I felt like a total bitch because PT is sick. She didn’t say anything, but she sounded congested and she kept asking if she could go to bed (which is HIGHLY unusual because she usually fights to stay up as late as we will let her). I thought she was trying to avoid studying and doing homework, but I finally broke out the digital thermometer (actually, my BBT thermometer that I don’t use anymore) and she has a fever of 102.7!!

Anyway, I guess the good news is that TW was able to deliver his back-up sperm sample without a hitch today. The IVF clinic called to tell me they got two vials and everything looks good. That made me breathe a little easier because I know TW won’t be around for my procedures. I lined up a good friend instead. And PT is with her mom. So I will take a couple of days off, read trashy mags and gab with my friend, watch episodes of My So Called Life, and movies from the DVR like Never Been Kissed, Lucky 7 (A favorite Lifetime Movie), and Overboard - that classic with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.

My last BCP is tonight — continue Lupron through trigger the week of 3/2. I start stimming on 2/22 as long as everything looks good at baseline on 2/20.

Ack!

Can I have anything more going on? I am planning these big events at work, one on 2/14, one on 2/21, one on 3/31. Plus I am helping to plan a big event (charity auction) on 4/26.

On top of that, I have my volunteering with the puppy rescue, my remodel…I got a call yesterday from the builder saying that the roofing material is going up in price by 20% on Friday and I had to choose by yesterday! Then he called me back and said I have to pick the gutters — yes the GUTTERS as well! I didn’t even know there was a choice for gutters! We had to write another humungous check to the builders too, but at least we can see some real progress on the house. The roof is being papered today, and then the windows will be installed. That is good, but I am going a little mental, can you tell?

And….IVF is right around the corner.

TW just left town until Sunday night. PT is coming back to us on Friday, so I will be alone with her all weekend. I hope we get along…we have been griping at each other more than usual. I think she is getting hormonal…I bet she is going to get her period any second! I can’t wait for there to be TWO of us with PMS, AF etc. Poor TW!

My parents are arriving on 3/8. I am not ready for them to be back in the country. They live in France most of the time. They found a place to stay for three months, a friend’s neighbor is going to Australia, so my parents will live in their home and take care of their dogs. Usually my parents live in the cottage next door to our house, but we are there because of the remodel. So they had to find somewhere else to go. I am a little irritated that they didn’t check with me on their dates. They never do. I mean, they know I am doing IVF and they know that TW’s schedule is whacked. You would think they would ask me what dates would be good in case I needed help. I turns out I DO need help. TW is going to be gone the week of my estimated ER and ET! And my parents are coming the next week! If they had only asked me I would have told them to come a week earlier. But this is how my parents are, they are in their own little world. They act like they live in a vacuum.

Today I am going to my clinic to turn in my consent forms, get my Lupron diluted, and to write a check for ICSI. Lupron starts on Friday!

On top of everything else, my “Alien Eyeball” is back. Every once in a while, one of my eyes gets BRIGHT red. The white turns completely red. It is totally embarrassing and everyone asks me what is wrong. I have been to the doctor multiple times, and no one can tell me what it is. It isn’t always the same eye either. It doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t itch. I just wake up with a bright red eyeball. I hate it! The first time we thought it was pink eye, but it isn’t. I don’t think it is allergies or “dry eye” because it is only ONE eye. It is so frustrating! I actually think it happens when I am stressed out…that seems to be the case (although some would say I am always stressed out).

 Okay, thanks for bearing with me today. I am all over the place.

Lupron Challenge

I just got the e-mail from my clinic. I “passed” my lupron challenge test. Aren’t you proud?
 
Just for comparison:
 
October: FSH = 8.2, baseline E2 = 43, after lupron E2 = 100 (increase of 57)
January: FSH = 6.5, baseline E2 = 48, after lupron E2 = 255 (increase of 177)
 
I can’t remember exactly what they are looking for…or why. But I looked in my booklet and it says that the cycle can start if:
 
1. FSH is less than 8.0 and E2 is less than 75 and after the lupron the E2 goes up by at least 30
2. FSH is 8.0 to 12.0 and E2 is less than 55, and after lupron the E2 goes up by at least 30
3. FSH is less than 12.0 and after the lupron the E2 goes up by at least 125
 
It says that cycles cannot start if:
 
1. FSH is higher than 12.0
2. FSH is 8.0 to 12.0 and E2 is 55 or greater
3. E2 is 75 or greater and after lupron E2 doesn’t go up by at least 125
4. After lupron E2 doesn’t go up by at least 30
 
Looks like I am in much better shape, huh? Little things make my hopes soar. I pick up BCP tonight and start them for 2 weeks. I will soon get a schedule for the rest of my protocol….cycle number 2, here we come!

Follie Report

First of all, Jenna and Pamela Jean have nominated me for the Blogger Flame of Fortitude Award (Click on Jenna’s link to read about the award). In turn, I would like to nominate the following bloggers, for perservering in the face of so many obstacles, keeping a sense of humor, and having room in their hearts despite so much personal angst, to offer support and love to their fellow bloggers. Missed Conceptions, Cece, Chris, Lub, Serenity, Lara, SarahS-P, Yodasmistress. There are many more that I read and love. If you haven’t stopped by their blogs lately, please do so, and say hello!

Okay - about me. Today I had an acupuncture appointment at 7:30am. I couldn’t relax. It was the first time that I was in acupuncture and my head was spinning, my mind couldn’t stop. I was so nervous about what the clinic would say at my follie report!

I had my follie check at 10:30am. Dr. P was not in the office, so I got to meet Dr. S. He is so wonderful! I actually wish Dr. S was my main doctor instead of Dr. P. They are both great, but I like Dr. S’s personality better - he seems much more warm and he has a twinkle in his eye. He checked me out with the dildo cam and saw that my lining is 13mm. I think that is good. My blood work came back at 852 (E2), up from 180 on Thursday.

But the follie count was not as high as I hoped. I have 4 on one side and 3 on the other, with two more lagging a little behind that may or may not catch up. The biggest one was almost 18mm and then there were several at 15mm and one at 11mm and one at 10mm.

He said they hope for 8-14 follies so I am right on on target. That is funny because I already feel like a failure. I only have 8, maybe. Dr. S was very positive; he had no issues with how things look. He said that my lining is excellent. I am just worried! I worry they will only get 7 or 8 eggs, and only 4 will fertilize and two will make it to day three. I know - I am jumping ahead here. But I am such a gloom and doom girl, I can’t help it. I wanted LOTS of eggs, LOTS of embies, LOTS to freeze. But it doesn’t look like it is going to happen this time. I wonder if ones body always responds the same way? If 8 is my number, will 8 always be my number?

The ER date is now probably Thursday or Friday. I have to say, I feel a little disappointed! I had to tell my friend M and I almost started crying. Knowing that TW isn’t in it emotionally, I was looking forward to spending the day with M. I hope that TW doesn’t disappoint me. The other stressor is that PT is with us this week, so we are going to have to figure out the logistics of the day — how I get to the clinic, how TW gets his “stuff” into the cup, dropping PT off at school. I asked the clinic to try and put us as late as possible. 10am would be perfect.

I have another appointment in the morning at 8:45am to check things again. I will keep you posted! I keep telling myself that this first IVF cycle is a trial run, but obviously I have not convinced myself of that yet.

Status.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I have been thinking a lot about everything today and I am going to toughen up and forge ahead. TW is on board. He isn’t on board emotionally, and I am just going to have to deal with it. I AM grateful that he hasn’t pulled the plug on my IVF plans and that he will go along with it because it is so important to me. I will learn to handle the lack of emotional support. I get that from my girlfriends and you out there in blogland!

I had my ultrasound today, and I don’t know what to think. I feel like I got a bunch of mixed messages. Yesterday was my 6th day of stims. I have no clue where I should be …. I should have read up on it before going in. Before the doctor checked me out, I told him that I felt nervous. He told me that we may not see much, because the stims take 5-6 days to kick in. So I relaxed a little bit. When he starting looking, he counted 3 follies on the left and 4 on the right. They were measurable, but there was only one on each side that was over 10mm. He said there were lots of small ones on both sides. I felt that things looked good (what do I know, though!) but after the exam when I asked the doctor if things looked okay, he said, “No”!!! He said that he would have hoped to see more! What the fuck??? He just told me not to worry if we couldn’t see much, and then in the next breath told me that things were not progressing. I asked him if he was worried and he said, “Not yet”. I asked him if we were going to have to cancel and he said “NO”. What happened to my doctor with the great bedside manner???

They took my blood and gave me my shot. I was stressed out. I felt like crying. I pictured not responding to the meds, and having the cancel the cycle. I never thought of that before — I have always been completely textbook when it comes to responding to treatments. But I guess it is a reality I have to face. Anything is possible. I called TW on my way to work after the appointment and of course didn’t get any reaction out of him. He just told me to be patient. What was I thinking. It is so hard wanting to reach out to him, knowing he can’t give me what I need.

I got my blood results back this afternoon - after 6 days of stims, my E2 level is 180. That seems super low to me. They increased my follistim dosage back to 225 units twice per day. I had to go the pharmacy twice….in the morning I picked up another 600 IU vial, and then in the afternoon they had me pick up a 300 IU vial. This is just lasting me until Monday morning for my next u/s and blood work. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE. Pick up the pace, ovaries!

I know that things can change quickly at this point. But having never been through this, I just don’t know what to expect or how my body is going to respond.

I asked my father-in-law to take care of PT on the 13th or 14th in case we have the ER one of those days. My gut is telling me we may move it later on, depending upon how things go. You know what is funny? At first I really wanted the ER to be on a day when TW was in town. But now I don’t care. At this point I would much rather my friend M come with me and take care of me. She gets it! I have lined her up, and believe it or not, I am hoping that the ER lands on 11/13 or 14 when TW is out of town!

I e-mailed K the acupuncturist, and she told me to try to relax, that things can progress very quickly at this point. Keep breathing.

I am eating like a pig. It must be nervous eating. Each night I make myself an ice-cream sundae with whipped cream and chocolate syrup. I usually have dessert once a month, if that! When I went to the pharmacy this afternoon to pick up my meds, I stopped by this bakery while they were getting my meds ready, and got a small piece of chocolate cake to go. It will be my dessert tonight. I am going to douse it with whipped cream and strawberries. I can’t wait.

As I was waiting to pay for my meds, I saw this lady with a large bag of meds standing next to me. I saw the box of Folli.stim in her bag. She looked about my age. I was dying to say something to her, but at first I kept my mouth shut. Then the pharmacist brought my Folli.stim out and asked me if I had used it before. The lady said, “OH! I am doing the same thing”. We were done at about the same time so we walked out together and ended up chatting for about 20 minutes outside the pharmacy. She is doing IUIs with injectables at a clinic I looked into using. She has a 2 year old and she is 40 years old….they spontaneously conceived their child and thought this time it would be just as easy. Not so much. Anyway, she seemed really sweet and open, so I asked if we could exchange e-mails. And we did. She lives a little far away but works in the same town as I do. We shall see if we start up a friendship. I really wouldn’t mind. I love my blogland friends, but I don’t know anyone IRL that is going through this.

That is my status. I am going to go eat a hotdog with sauerkraut and onions, and then my chocolate cake!

The Truth

The last few nights TW & I got into it. This is the first time in a while that we fought about IF. The other night he really made me mad…He accused me of being so focused on IVF that I was letting other important things go. Like being a step mother. WTF? I was so livid I could barely even talk. I told him that he is always so focused on PT that nothing else matters…but deep down I wonder if I will feel the same way if (when) I have a baby? Will I be so focused on my baby that nothing else will matter to me? I honestly hope not. But after wanting this for so long, if (when) it really happens, I don’t know that I can make any promises.

Here is what started the argument. A couple of weeks ago I brought up the fact that PT was starting puberty. I am quite sure that she will have her period any minute. A couple of moms from PT’s school took their 6th grade girls to this pre-teen class at the local children’s hospital. It is for moms and daughters. I told TW about it and he said it sounded like a good idea. I also told him that I was going to talk to PT about her period and ask her if she wants to carry a pad around in her back-pack, in case it happens at school.

This is a very mother/daughter moment….getting your period for the first time. The fact is, PT has a mother. I am not sure if her mother has talked to her about any of this, but after thinking about it a little harder, I realized that maybe I don’t want to be the one to talk to PT about it. I think PT would want to talk to her mother about it, and her mother would want to talk to PT about it. I don’t want to step on any toes. I am happy to talk to her in addition to anything her mom says, but I didn’t want to be the first one. So I sat on it and didn’t do anything.

So, the other night, TW and I were on our way back from a dinner party. I asked him if he took his pill for the 4th time that day (I have this obsession about asking, I guess it is more like nagging, but I am SO determined not to mess this IVF protocol up, I can’t help myself!). Instead of answering my question, TW said, “Have you talked to PT about her period yet? Have you signed her up for that class?” I said I had not, and he went through the roof. Mind you, it was MY fucking idea in the first place. I told him that I hadn’t done anything because I thought I should talk to PT’s mother first. He flipped it around and said that I hadn’t done anything because I was so obsessed with IVF that I can’t do anything that isn’t related to it. He said I am so worried about his pills that everything else has fallen off the radar. He said that I was making excuses - that I really didn’t WANT to talk to PT, that all I care about is IVF. And that once I have a baby, I better get my act together because I am going to have to think about the baby, and not just about myself. Basically that I am a self-absorbed bitch. He also added that my complaining about my headaches, and shots and appointments and whatever else — that I brought it all upon myself. That no one is forcing me to do any of this. And that I should just suck it up because it is a decision that I made. (Yes, he said it was a decision that I made on my own.)

No wonder I feel all alone in this. I actually AM all alone. I had no idea.

I didn’t continue the argument. There was no point. He had had two martinis earlier and was all fired up. Obviously he had been holding a lot of this inside, for a LONG time.

I waited a couple of days to let it pass. And I needed to gather my thoughts. So last night I brought it up and I tried to stay as calm as possible. I asked him about his statement that I made the decision and that I brought this upon myself. I told him that I though WE made the decision TOGETHER. He disagreed. He said that I was so hell bent on having a baby that he couldn’t tell me how he really felt. He would never have chosen IVF himself. He is going along with it, but inside he is kicking and screaming. I asked him if he wants a baby, and he said that he does, but that he doesn’t want to go through all these hoops to get there. He honestly feels that if it is meant to be, it will happen the “normal” way. Having sex. With his wife. Missing a period. Taking a pregnancy test. That is how he thinks it should happen, and that is still how he thinks it should happen, even after FIVE years of trying. And even after talking to the RE and the IVF doctor who told us that we would have a .0001 percent chance of ever conceiving naturally.

So. The truth. The truth is that he is doing this all for me. He is not into it. He doesn’t want to do it. He is going along with it. Because he doesn’t feel he has a choice. And he feels that since I have made this choice, that I should roll with the punches, no matter how awful it gets. He admitted that he wants to have more sympathy for me, and he wants to be empathic, but he doesn’t know how, because he really doesn’t agree with what we are doing. He thinks it is unnatural and we are using science to go against nature. What it comes down to is that he doesn’t think this was meant to be, and I am forcing it to happen.

I reminded him that he did tell me he was on board, before we paid for FOUR cycles of IVF. And that if it doesn’t work the first time, that we would do it again. And if it doesn’t work the second time, we were going to try one more time. The third time? If the third time isn’t a charm, then the fourth time it will be. He confirmed that he knew we would be doing it more than once if necessary and he told me he would do everything he needs to do to keep our chances as high as possible. But emotionally he isn’t there. He is just going through the motions because he loves me, and he knows how important it is to me. And he asked me: What happens if we do it four times and it doesn’t work. What then? Four more times? He said he can’t do it. That he is willing to do this for the four times we have committed to, but if it doesn’t work, we have to stop. And he asked me to promise. So I did.

I was weeping. Should I be grateful that he didn’t put his foot down 4 months ago and say, “Absolutely not!” when I brought up IVF? I guess so. But I don’t feel grateful. What I want is to shake him. I want to kick and scream and tell him to get his shit together. That he needs to be supportive and I need him to give me my shots, and give me a hug when I am feeling like crap, and rub my back and make me food. I want him to drive me to my appointments. I want him to ask me how I am doing! I want him to be interested in how my doctors appointments went. But he isn’t. And he doesn’t. And I can’t make him.

I married a guy who doesn’t have an emotional bone in his body. And I knew it when I married him. But I read some of these IF blogs and wonder who these guys are that go to every appointment and call the doctor themselves for test results, and give every shot and talk and talk and talk about IF with their wives. And write blogs! Who are these men?

TW is doing this for me. Just for me. Because he loves me. And he doesn’t want to stop me from trying to conceive. But he would rather not be doing this. He would rather be doing ANYTHING but this.

At least I know the truth now. But it doesn’t make it any easier.

I guess that is why I have been feeling so lonely.

Boring

I am boring, I really have nothing new to report. I had to pick up some more Folli.stim because I didn’t have enough until my next u/s appointment on Thursday morning. That stuff is $$$$. The vial is so tiny, it is smaller than a sample perfume at the department store. But it is $400!!! And that is with that special discount, the original price was $731!!! I am saving the vials that have tiny amounts left because the nurse at the clinic told me she can consolidate them for me. Maybe I will be able to put together an extra vial with remnants from several.

My tummy bruises are still there, but now a lovely greenish-yellowish, and today I bruised my thigh. TW hasn’t given me a shot in two days, but I am so used to doing it now, it really isn’t a big deal. I have been focusing on my thighs lately to give my poor pin-cushion tummy a rest.

TW claims he is getting the runs from doxycycline. Although this is quite possible, he was on it for 5 days in October before he gave his “back-up” sample, and he did not report any tummy trouble. So, I think he ate something from the taco truck that didn’t agree with him (the construction guys have been taking him to this taco truck, probably with ingredients trucked up directly from Mexico!). Anyway, I offered to see if the clinic would switch meds to something more gentle, but the only thing they offered was something three times per day instead of just twice. TW would never be able to remember to take something three times a day (yes, it drives me mental, but what am I gonna do?!). I asked him and he said he would stick to the 2 times a day pill. Whatever! As long as he takes them, I am happy.

I had acupuncture yesterday and it was great. I was on my stomach and she did her treatment on my back. I totally fell asleep - but I didn’t drool this time.

Time is ticking by! I have my u/s on Thursday to see how my follies are looking. Please follies, please, please, please grow!!!

I will check in with you on Thursday.

Baseline

I had my baseline ultrasound yesterday morning at 9am. I told the doctor about my ovary pain, and asked him if it was unusual. He said that the nurse had told him about it and he was going to look for a cyst during the ultrasound. I was a little confused because I knew that Lu.pron is a suppressant. And surprisingly, he told me that the first few days of Lu.pron acts as a stimulant, and then things quiet down after. So he said he thought my pain sounded like a Lu.pron induced cyst! I was kind of annoyed that the nurse had no clue about this. She specifically told me it would be impossible (or highly unlikely) to get a cyst on Lu.pron so my pain had to be menstrual cramps. She needs a refresher course. However, I am still feeling lucky that my clinic has 24 hour service if necessary.

The ultrasound was perfect. No cysts on either side. I love my doctor. He has a really nice bedside manner. When we were first meeting him in the consult, he was all business and kind of dry. But in the exam room he is really warm. He held my foot during the ultrasound and patted it when he warned me there would be a little more pressure, etc. He saw a bunch of “resting” follicles and was happy with how everything looked. He sat for a minute with his eyes closed and then announced my protocol: Lu.pron is reduced from 5 units to 2.5 units twice a day. Then Folli.stim is added at 225 units twice a day for two days. Starting on Sunday I continue the 2.5 units of Lu.pron twice per day, and the Folli.stim is 225 units in the morning and 125 units at night. I also started the baby aspirin, and TW started anti-biotics. How he figures this out, I have no idea, but I guess that is why I paid him the big bucks! My tummy is bruised, I hit a couple of bad spots with my Lu.pron so I had the nurse give me the Folli.stim in my arm.

Last night my friend M came over and watched movies and ate dinner with me, TW was on a trip. We watched the first DVD of the series My So Called Life. This show was on in the mid-90s and it was SO GOOD. It was canceled after 1 season and I thought I would die! It finally came out on DVD and I bought the whole series! I was so excited that I pre-ordered it on Amazon about 3 months ago. M had never watched it, but she has a 15 year old daughter so it was extremely real for her (the main character is played by a 15 year old Claire Daines, as a highschool freshman with lots of teen-age angst). M gave me my Folli. shot in my arm last night. It was the first time I had someone else give me a shot (besides the nurse!).

This morning I did my own Lu.pron shot, but I made TW give me the Folli shot in the back of my arm. He was really uncoordinated and after he put the needle in, before he injected the meds, he kind of let the needle slide back out half way so the meds weren’t injected as deep as they should have been…I hope it is okay! He also poked me by accident in a different spot before injecting me! And he forgot to stop pinching my skin before pressing the plunger down, and he forgot to leave the needle in for 5 seconds before pulling it out. It was his first time, so I should be patient. I should also be happy that he did it, because he hates needles and told me before he didn’t think he could do it. So, that was a step in the right direction, that he willingly stuck me in the arm. And when he was done, he told me he would get better at it. So I thanked him profusely (after berating him just a little bit….I can’t help myself!)

If all goes as planned, ER will be on 11/13. And Sweet Christmas! TW will be in town!!!

IF is everywhere (UPDATED)

 ***Missed Conceptions got a BFP this weekend! Please stop by and give her some love. She is nervous and needs all the support she can get!***
_____________________

Last night I was folding laundry and turned the tube on. They had an L.A. Ink Marathon going on TLC. I don’t know why, but I love that show! I don’t have a tatoo either. I used to dabble with the idea. The closest I got was about 10 years ago when my brother was visiting….it was about midnight and we were drunk and decided to get tatoos. We went to the closest place and although the doors were open, they closed at 11:30. So we went home and I never came close again.

Anyway, if you haven’t seen the show they usually have a short bio/interview with some of the clients that are getting tattoos. They talk about why they want the tattoo, what it symbolizes, etc. Usually the stories are pretty compelling. Yesterday I actually cried (yes, okay, I am doing that a lot lately).

There was the woman on the show, she looked to be in her early 40s or so. She was pretty, but looked like she had a hard life. Her husband looked TOUGH. At first I thought it would be a typical story — like wanting the wedding vows tattoed on her back (lots of those on this show!). But no. She talked about her four and a half year struggle with infertility. She said so may things that we all know all too well: that becoming a mother is such a natural thing. That she never thought about the possibility that it wouldn’t happen. That they both went through tests, she had multiple surgeries and treatments, her husband did as well, and they were diagnosed with our favorite: unexplained IF. They finally adopted a baby boy and she calls him Buddha as a nickname….she had a Buddha baby tattoed on the side of her lower leg. It was an adorable tattoo of a smiling baby in a Buddha pose, holding a baby blanket around himself. She said that giving birth doesn’t make you a mother, loving a child makes you a mother.

Then there was this guy, probably in his early 30s, who lost his daughter. She had a birth defect and never grew past 7 pounds, so she was like a tiny baby even though she was older. I think she was 5 when she died (I missed how old she was when she died but she was definitely a small child). He got a tattoo of her image. It was so sad hearing him talk about his sweet baby girl. He said that time doesn’t heal him, it makes it easier to talk about, but he will never be healed. It made me wonder how I would handle it if my future child had a severe birth defect. I know I have to think about these things, because I am 38 years old and it is certainly a possibility.